I will not write about Gimmel Tamuz. It is not an easy topic for me to talk about. Those things are off limits for me. I think about it, but when it comes to talking, I don't see a point. Talking won't get you very far anyway. So I just don't talk about it, and hope it will go away. Fat chance of that happening.
I am leaving to the airport in 2 hours. I have not packed yet. I have not slept yet. I'm not ready to go. So why am I sitting here, waisting time, instead of getting things done? Your guess is as good as mine.
I have such a big conscience. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night because of it. Anytime I do something 'wrong', it is there, whispering in my ear, no Altie, not good, stop, go back. It is very annoying. I hate hearing voices in my head. I wish I could lose it, kick it out, destroy it. I wish, for once I could do something without regretting it, feeling like a bad person. I wish I could do, without thinking so much.
But then I remember those times my conscience saved me from myself, from doing something I would forever regret, and never be able to forgive, even to myself. And then I'm happy for this little thing we have called a conscience.
Sometimes.
You sometimes hate your conscience? That's cool. I didn't know there were people who did. I sometimes wish I could do the same thing, but to my yetzer hara. Oh, how fun that would be....
ReplyDeletenot hate, just wish it wasnt there.
ReplyDeleteBecause if you didn't have a G-dly soul you wouldn't care whether you did the right thing or not. Yup, sound like your conscience is alive and kicking.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather a conscience alive and kicking than a yetzer hara alive and kicking....
ReplyDeleteWell, thank G-d that you have both.
ReplyDeleteWhat if I want to kill the latter?
ReplyDeleteDon't kill it, use it to serve the one above.
ReplyDeletei hate having a consciance. how do u live with it?
ReplyDeleteTRS- Yeah, but then he bothers you till forever.
ReplyDeleteAltie- Let's trade: you give me your conscience and I'll give you my yetzer hara. That way they both get to live and neither of us have to put up with what we hate. :)
But how do I live with it? I dunno, I'm used to it...besides, he helps me not do what I don't want to do, and do things that I do want to do.
Bothers=helps?
ReplyDeleteHuh?
ReplyDeleteNo....
If not, then what?
ReplyDeleteY"h bothers me...bothers kpshuto.
ReplyDeleteActually, the YH is there to help you. Hashem put the YH inside you to help you serve Him, like the mashal of the zonah in Tanya. Of course, as the Rebbe explains, sometimes the zoneh hires a zoneh, but at the end of the day, the YH is there for a purpose, just like you are here for a purpose.
ReplyDeletegood. now that we have ascertained that....
ReplyDeletei still wish we didnt have a consciance sometimes. it takes all the fun of doing something wrong
It wouldn't be fun if you didn't have a conscience.
ReplyDeleteyes it would. u could do stuff without worrying that its wrong
ReplyDeleteAh, TRS...I knowL that. But I still don't like him, and he's still annoying. And I don't think I'm supposeto like him, either.
ReplyDeleteAltie- then what? You'd do every wrong thing in the book, and gain what exactly?