The City

I turn on the music and just sit in the car. It is late at night and I can't find a space. I park by a hydrant, hoping I won't get a ticket. But there is a cop on my block, so I wait for him to leave. It is after midnight. I want to go inside, I want to go to sleep, I want to eat something. But I am stuck here in my car, waiting for the cop to leave.

I chill. Put my seat back, enjoy the music. Wonder who else is up at this hour. I text my friend, she texts me back, I'm sick of that so I call her. But she is busy. Bummer.

Chillin. That's what they say. It's nice. But I wish I had someone to chill with, instead of just me and the music.

My song comes on, the one I like. I have a few of those. I sing along, as I am wont to do when I'm the only one in the car. It's calming.

Escape. People think of it as a bad thing. But I think it's healthy. To get away from everything for a little bit, give yourself space, time to think, or better yet, not think. So I went to The City. And there is only one City, with a capital T and C.

There was a big sign that said, UNTHINK. Ya, it spoke to me, that's what I was trying to do.

I walk through Time Square. The billboards and flashing lights make everything feel alive. There's an awesome vibrating feeling in the air, like you are a part of something big, you are creating history. The best part is, I feel it every time I go to Manhattan.

I call my father to ask him which way is Central park. Ya I'm like a guy in that way. No sense of direction whatsoever, and I hardly ever ask for help. My motto is, figure it out yourself. And if you can't, then you're an idiot. Oh well.

I headed towards the park. It was getting dark, and by the time I got there I decided it was just creepy enough and late enough that I shouldn't go in by myself. So instead I went to the apple store right near there. It is an AWESOME store. You walk in and there is just tooons of laptops and ipods everywhere, for you to try out. I am like salivating, even though I just bought a laptop. (Sorry sweety, I still like you.)

I listen to the music, and dream of buying an itouch. Ya, the one I want for Christmas. Oh well. At least I can check it out here, and enjoy it for a bit.

Next stop, Gap. Then H&M. I bought a hat, cuz I decided I must buy something if I'm in The City.

It's getting late. I had a great time chillin, I love going to The City. But my UNTHINK time is over. It's time to go back, to life, to everything.

It's just a subway ride away. I can go to The City to escape and UNTHINK anytime I want. Great feeling.

I wanna sit on Santa's knee

I wanna sit on Santa's knee.
I wanna tug his white beard to see if it is real,
I wanna say, hey Santa, this year for Christmas I want an itouch. And a new phone. And a car would be cool. You think you can do that for me? And it's okay if it doesn't fit down the chiminey, just leave it in my driveway. Thanks.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna believe in wishing wells.
I wanna throw a shiny penny in,
watch it sink to the bottom,
make a wish, and believe it'll come true.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna believe in the tooth fairy.
I wanna put all my old teeth under my pillow,
go to sleep, and wake up in the morning with money instead.
I wanna imagine that she builds castles with all the teeth she collects.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna dress up on Halloween, like a ghost or a goblin.
I wanna gut a pumpkin and put it in my front yard.
I wanna go trick-or-treating,
and throw eggs at passing cars.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna sing Christmas carrolls, and sip eggnog by the fireplace.
I wanna put up a tree in my living room,
and adorn my front lawn with colorful lights.
I wanna sing, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna make a turkey for Thanksgiving.
I wanna make stuffing, and cranberry sauce, and wild rice with craisins.
I wanna eat until I can't eat anymore, and there is no room left even for desert.
I wanna get drunk on wine, and fall asleep without doing the dishes.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

But Santa will never be Jewish. And boy is he missing out.

I light the Menorah on Chanukah, and get presents and money. And I have my very own Santa. He has a long beard too. He doesn't say 'ho ho ho', but he has a wallet that says, I'm made of money. And he pays my cell phone bill. Dad's are better than Santa any day.

I put a shiny penny in the tzedaka box, instead of letting it sink meaninglessly to the bottom of a well, where someone will no doubt extract it someday, to buy a coffee with it. And hey, I get rewarded for that.

I save my teeth, instead of giving them to the tooth fairy. I think she has enough already, no need to burden her with more. And the concept of getting money for a natural occurance like teeth falling out makes me laugh at the absurdity. She can keep her money, I'll keep my teeth.

I dress up on Purim, give out and recieve baskets filled with all kinds of candy and junkfood, and the good part is, people come to give me, I don't need to go knocking on doors for it. And best of all, we have a commandment to get drunk. What more could a person ask for.

I sing Am yisroal chai, we want Moshiach now, and all kinds of crazy niggunim that make you want to dance. I chop up the tree and put it on top of my sukkah, which gives everything a nice smell. I've never had eggnog, and the thought of drinking raw egg makes me nauseous.

I eat and eat on pesach, and wine and dine, and never stop. I have Turkey whenever I am in the mood, and pumpkin pie too. And Thanksgiving is every day, not just once a year when you are feeling charitable towards G-d, and say grace.

They believe in superstitions like walking under a ladder, seeing a black cat cross the street, and breaking a mirror will bring bad luck. But we have our own bubbe maises, like sit at the corner of  table and you won't get married for seven years, putting out zatar will keep away evil spirits, saying poo poo poo will prevent bad things from happening, and so on.

They will never know the taste of kuggel and gefilte fish, or chollent on Shabbos afternoon. They won't have the sweet taste of learning Torah, or the feeling of satisfaction after breaking a fast. They will never understand all the 613 plus commandments we have, or all the crazy nutty customs we do. They just won't.

I wanna sit on Santa's knee. But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I love being Jewish, it's awesome.

Today's gonna be a good day

It's Rosh kislev. I didn't go to a farbrengin, I didn't do anything special, and I forgot that it is an auspicious day. Maybe I'll go to a farbrengin, maybe I'll even do something special for it, and hey, I just remembered that today is an auspicious day in Chabad! It's a good start!

Lubavitcher Rebbe Returns Home after Heart Attack (1977)
For the first time since suffering a major heart attack five weeks earlier, on the eve of Shemini Atzeret, the Rebbe left his office in 770 Eastern Parkway and returned to his home, signaling his recovery. Chassidim all over rejoiced at the good news.
From that day on, the Rebbe redoubled his efforts on behalf of the Jewish nation and all of humanity, and for the dissemination of Torah and chassidism. From then on, the first of Kislev is celebrated as a day of thanksgiving and rejoicing.


 I davened today. I'm happy about that :)

It's a good feeling.

Please read this

This post on CMBC's blog is amazing. She is a great writer, please read it at her blog, and leave a comment!

No more

There is a red headline among all the regular news. Red means danger, important, pay attention to me. So I do. But I don't like what I see. A sea of red, one after the other. And it doesn't stop, even when I shut my eyes. It doesn't go away.

The page is so normal. Engagements that day, mazal tov, chosson classes, morah music, basement for rent, shoe sale, lost cell phone, scroll down, and down. A typical day on the news site of shmais.com.

But this is wrong. Terrorists? Mumbai? Holtzberg, shluchim I never heard of? Why G-d, why?

November 27 2008. I came home the day before from Israel, for my sister's wedding. I had no idea what was going on. Didn't see any news on the way. Nothing. The first I heard about it was when I got home. And then it started.

All the news said say tehillim. But I don't remember saying tehillim. I don't remember much about that day. Just thinking, please let the news be good.

Hoping to hear good news, thats what it said. Cuz a Jew always lives with hope, even when the sword is on your neck. Keep praying, keep giving tzedaka, a Jew doesn't give up hope.

But then the news came. It was all over. They didn't make it. And it became more real. I'm sorry G-d, I'm sorry I didn't pray harder, I'm sorry I didn't give more charity, I'm sorry for so many things, but why couldn't you have saved them? Is that asking for too much??

So much good came out of it- I know.
It brought Jews closer together- I know.
It made us stronger- I know.
Gavi and Rivka would have been happy to see all the hachlatas that were made- I know.
Everything happens for a reason- I know.

And on and on and on.

But can you tell me why a little boy had to be left without parents? Can you tell me why 2 special people had to die while doing the Rebbe's outreach? Can you tell me why G-d, who is so great, couldn't have saved them, when the world prayed so hard for their safety?

You can't. No one can answer those questions besides for G-d Himself. And I ask, yet He remains silent.

And I continue to stare at the page, and all the articles written, preaching of faith, and courage, and the need to go on. But I don't want to go on. I want to go back. I want to do that day over again. I want to watch a video of the Holtzbergs on shlichus, and know that they are safe in their chabad house. I want to erase that day from history. I want to pray until I can't pray anymore, cry until my eyes are dry, and say tehillim like there is no tomorrow. I want another chance. I want to make it go away.

But G-d has spoken. There is no going back.

I don't have anymore questions. They are useless. I want Moshiach. I want them back. I want a day with no more tzaros. No more deaths, no more prison sentences, no more pain, no more suffering. No more tears, no more broken hearts, no more no more no more!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want Moshiach, G-d. Is that too much to ask?

In the middle of the night

In the middle of the night is the best time to think. If I lived my whole life early in the AM, I might be farther along then I am now.

5 am, can't sleep. I go upstairs to get a drink, and then the magazines catch my eye. The house is so quiet and peaceful, it's never like that in the day. So I stay, curled up on the couch, ready for a good read.

Some things pull at my heart. Like the article about the lady who lost her baby, how it died because of faulty formula. Or the one about the girl who struggled with shidduchim.

 But that's not all. There are some good articles too. Like the lady who lost weight, and got her life back in order. And the one about the amazing couple on shlichus, who are helping bring Jewish teenagers back to yidishkeit.

Sunrise, or sunset? Is the cup half empty, or is it half full? Good or bad? How can you tell? I don't know.

I sympathize on some of the stories, I cry over others. And then there are the ones that I can relate to, that make me think, that story sounds like mine. She is going through exactly what I am feeling right now, and look, she got through it okay. It gives me strength to go on, to finish my story.

It is good to share your story, so that someday someone who needs to hear it will hear it, and it will change their life. Maybe in years from now I'll share mine, and it will help someone too.

My eyes are closing, it's after 6, and my bed is calling. I say goodnight to the silent house, and as I curl up under my blanket, everything seems so clear. Thinking and planning, making lists, and setting goals. Everything is clear in the middle of the night.

I can't wait until morning, when I can get those plans moving.

Not today

Sometimes, I am ready for whatever God throws at me. I am strong, I have faith, I believe that whatever happens was part of His plan, and that everything is for the best. Sometimes, I see a tragedy, and interpret it as something else. Even though it hurts in my heart, my mind tells me that God knows what He's doing. Sometimes, even when bad things happen, I don't question God. I deal with it. I handle it.

But sometimes I wake up and say, please God, don't let anything bad happen today, because I can't handle it. Today God, please cut me some slack. Let it be a good day, God, because right now I can't deal with anymore pain or suffering.

Please not today.

Fading away

Remember the time we turned on blasting music in our room, and we danced? Yes, even I danced. And we got it on video. And the neighbor came upstairs, and boy did he scream!

Remember those nights we would sit and talk way after midnight? And I would read something I wrote for my blog, and you would tell me in an awed voice, 'someday you are gonna be a famous author, and I'll be able to say, we used to be roommates!'

Remember when I had a stalker, and you helped me? I couldn't deal with it, and you made sure it all turned out okay.

Remember when you were homesick, and I talked you through it?

Remember when we went to the park, and lit candles, and burned stuff? And then we prank called people?

Remember when we sat on our bench and talked for hours? And when we went walking, and tried to go every night? 

Remember when we used to laugh together, like we shared an inside joke?

Do you remember? Do you remember everything like I do?

Then tell me why you see me online and you say 'hi how are you' I smile and say, 'good thank g-d'. And it's the same every day. And you ask me what I'm doing in life, and I tell you what I'm up to. And we exchange news. And that's it. And again the next day. And I think, not much can change in a day, can it?

Tell me why I think of our friendship wistfully, like it happened in the past. And why I forgot your birthday. Tell me why I wish things can go back to how they once were, but I can't make it work in the present. Tell me why I don't have your number, and if I did, I wouldn't call you.

Tell me, please. Tell me why people move on, and leave only memories behind.

Our friendship fades away, and I do nothing to stop it. And I wonder, deep in my heart, is it my fault, or is it something inevitable, that can't be helped?

I will still say hi to you when I see you online, and even make the little smiley face that tells you I am happy to talk to you. And I will still go through the routine of asking how you are, and answering the question back, even if I know that we are leaving a lot unsaid. Things are different now.

I'm learning to let go, let memories be memories, and realize that some friendships were not meant to last.

It hurts when they fade away... but maybe I have to learn to let it be.

Relationships

People come into your life for a reason, a season or
a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to
do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is
usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you
physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met,
our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now,

it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas
of your life.

It is said that love is blind but
friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you
were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

My friend

How can you make a new friend in a week? I always used to think that was impossible. My friends, I've known them for a while, at the very least a year, since sem. Some I've know for way longer than that. So a week? Really? Some say it can be done.

He appeared in my car, quite like that. Yes, I made him wear a seat-belt, though I'm not sure if he actually did. Frenchie, that's what I called him, in the endearing way I do to foreigners, when I'm secretly thinking, you are dumber than you look, and we both know it. But after speaking to him for a bit, I realized this guy has some brains. And he's very pushy. Oh ya, when he wants to get his way, he does.

We hung out. I beat him in ping pong, though he'll never admit to it. He was funny, always teasing, and trying to get his way. And he pushes you, in a good way, to make you do things you weren't sure you wanted to do, but after you did them you were happy about it.

He claims that sometimes he's full of bullshit. Like when he analyzes you, and gets it pretty accurate. Maybe he has no idea what he is talking about, but maybe, just maybe, he is pretty good at reading people.

He curses like a fire engine, and it grates on my nerves constantly. He doesn't mince his words, and if he thinks you are bullshitting him, he is quick to point it out. He is not scared to call you on your bluff. He will call you a liar, even if it makes you cringe, cuz he wants the truth from you.

There's a quote I really like, it goes like this: 'Sometimes when I say, 'oh I'm fine', I want someone to look me in the eyes and say, 'tell me the truth.'

I think he is the kind of guy who would say that. And though it was a totally random occurrence, I'm happy I met him, cuz he is a great guy to know, and to have as a friend.

Even if it's just a friend for a season.