Thursday, March 26, 2015


I don't like the pain,
but I miss the drama,
the highs
and lows
that come with not knowing
or knowing too much
or feeling too much,
and now I simply don't feel at all.

I wanted this,
I know
I asked for it
to feel normal
but what does normal mean
and why do I hate it so.

You and I
try to figure it out
in that tiny little room
shutting the world outside,
but it doesn't stop for me,
all still waiting
when I come back.

And I hate it
and love it
sometimes want to run
and sometimes never want to leave.
I wanted stable
and this isn't it
but it's close to normal.

But why are there days
when I feel so numb
wishing to pinch
until I bleed
something, anything,
to feel pain again.

Is it better to hurt
or to be so numb
that you feel
at all?

Friday, March 20, 2015


I don't want to go to sleep.
It's not that I fear the dark,
Or I feel like I would miss out on life,
In fact I crave the dark
And life can wait.

I'm scared of going to sleep,
As the icy hand of night caresses my cheeks
And drowsiness sets in
I try to fight it
To stay awake
To play some more.

I'm scared of
Going to sleep with the quiet
And waking up
Once more

The night presses in
My eyelids droop
Begging for respite
Craving sleep
But I fight it
I fight you
Kicking and screaming
But you just don't get it.

Sleep will come,
I know it will.
I can't fight it forever.
If I could just hold on
A little longer...

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


my memory
of you
with you when you go
I don't want it
when I'm all alone.

I try to learn to trust myself
as you trust me,
they give me
more and more each day
that I stay.

You keep talking
about the day you will be gone,
you'll be leaving
so you say,
I keep waiting
not wanting it to come.

I lean on you,
oh how I do,
pretending that I need your help,
but do I,
or is it just the child in me
refusing to let you go?

You watched me grow
I hope I made you proud,
but as they crowd
in the doorway to watch you leave
I hope you'll remember me.

You tease me
that I will be calling you every day
with questions,
I ask them now
while you're around
cuz one day you'll be gone
and I'll have no one to ask anymore.

I don't need you,
not really,
not anymore,
but I ask so that you'll stick around,
cuz one day I'll need you
but you'll be gone.

And I'll be on my own.


do you hear that?
But they don't get it,
they just keep talking,
your lips are moving
and all I hear is
bla bla bla
your lips are moving
and you lie lie lie,
I wish you'd stop
but maybe it's me that needs to
stop trying,
stop caring,
stop doing,  
stop being
what you want
because what you want
doesn't matter
and what I want
hasn't mattered in too long.

I wish you'd stop talking,
my head craves the silence,
I want to hide in the closet
where no one will find me,
turn off my radio
rip out the plug,
make it stop
all that static
all that chatter,
make it disappear
into the silence.

turn off the TV,
turn off the light,
everyone stop talking,
pretend I'm not here
I pretend like you're not talking
like you don't need something
like the phone's not ringing
and the people aren't demanding service.

I pretend the world is still and silent.

do you hear that?
It is the sound
of a million voices
breath frozen
waiting for the signal
to start up again.

But just for a minute,
be still, will you,
and let me enjoy the quiet.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Number 2

I just keep seeing that number 2
that number 2
it's just not number one,
its no more fun
and I just want you to go away
and yet you stay
I hear your voice inside my head
I want it to stop
but you never stop
you're always there
you're everywhere
and I don't want to hate you
but I do.
Because you're that number 2.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Word Salad

Step up and take control
of the show
for if you know
how much power you hold
they will fold
and you will win.

You want to win, don't you,
and winning's not a sin
don't let them in
just keep pushing
just keep doing
just keep being you.

Everyone is leaving,
moving on, going away,
not just for a day,
they will not be back.
And you rejoice for them
but not for you.

For you,
you want more,
you want bigger, you want better
you want brighter and greater and MORE--
so why hold back, why not take it
grasp it and run with it
and never look back.

You feel like a prisoner in this palace,
but who is keeping you here
no one is stopping you
there's the door,
just go, GO why don't you.

But no, they need you
they will always need you
or so you think,
and you want to feel needed
you NEED to feel wanted
and so you stay.

For now.
But when he leaves
so will you-- so you say,
that day will come
and you wonder if he'll call
and you wonder if he'll even remember your name.

You sleep the morning away,
phone on silent so you can't hear them call,
and they do call
but it's okay, they were okay
everything was okay
they can manage without you.

One day they won't need you
and you will be useless to them,
you want to leave
before they realize
how much little value you hold.

The snowflakes hit your face,
this wonderful white world
trees adorned with snow
like a furry white coat
and you are outside in middle of the day.

You are a slave to the job
and you know it.
Don't jump, don't be rash
bide your time before you go
just wait.

Don't hate
the ones
who hold you back
for you realize
there are no bindings
tying you down.

You're free to go
if you please.
The door is wide open.
Why are you still here?

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

That Face

Surprised to see me?
I've been here all along
waiting for you
to turn and notice me,
yet you never really look.

You don't see life
or love, or future
all you see is dark circles
and makeup smudges

That face
the one that looks dewy and tanned
or pale and white,
that face that looks pristine and fresh
or tired and blurred.

That face
that looks lean and thin
or full and bloated,
that face that smiles in greeting
or glares in warning.

That face
that tells all
and yet reveals not a thing
that face that you can never hide
with an oversized sweater.

That face
at once so familiar
and yet a stranger
that face that makes you look twice
wondering where you've seen her before.

That face
is all that stands between you
and the world,
that face will never leave you,
will never let you go.

Look at her
and tell her
all the things you love
and all the things you hate
about your face.

Saturday, February 21, 2015


It's a typical motzei Shabbos scene. She stands in her kitchen washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, putting away the challah cover, shaking out the table cloth, gathering up her kids' many articles of clothing to bring upstairs and wash.

The phone rings. And rings. And rings again. She answers it, and each time it is a different sibling, calling to say hi, how was Shabbos, who ate over, did your kids sleep, did they like the sweater we sent.

She discusses a purim party theme with one sister, and a newly purchased house with another sister, and when her mother, who has just eaten over that afternoon, calls to say how nice the meal was, they talk briefly.

Typical? Not for me. I try to avoid talking to my siblings as much as I can, and when I do, I rejoice that we managed to have a 4.5 minute conversation without fighting.

I lay on the floor playing with the baby, who is all smiles and refuses to go to sleep. The kids are in pajamas, also trying to stay out of their mother's sight and avoid having to go to bed.

It's snowing out, and I know I have to go home sometime, but I stick around because it feels so normal. Functional.

It's a typical motzei Shabbos scene, only not-so-typical for me.

I can't wait to have my own home and to create my own normal.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015


Picking a fight
Mad that you're leaving
Mad at you for breaking free
And leaving me behind.
Forgetting me.
Funny how I always thought I'd leave first
And you would stay forever.

Funny how things change.
As much as we wish them
To remain the same

Forever seems so long
And yet like that you will be gone
And we shall never meet again.

That makes me sad
And mad
And so I fight you
Every step of the way
I contradict you
Disrespect you
Question you
When all I really want to say is that
I'll miss you.

But some things are better left unsaid.

Monday, February 16, 2015


Lying under a pile
Of freshly laundered clothing
Relishing their smell
Their warmth surrounding you
In a hug.

Wanting to hold on
And never let go.
Eyes closed for so long
Never looking, never knowing
What's out there.
Cover your ears
Screaming 'lalala can't hear you!'
As if you could protect yourself
From the harsh reality
Called life.

Soon that bubble will burst
And you will fall
Free falling
Into the night
With no arms to catch you
And no where soft to land.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015


The cold
makes you withdraw
into yourself
wishing for warmth
and sun.

But the sun
has gone away
don't know when
it will be back
to stay.

I miss it.
Heightened anxiety
darker moods
inside your skin.

Freezing wind
as icy as
your stare
when you look at me,
but I look away.

Don't want to see
the truth,
don't want to admit
that you're gone
and you're never coming back.

Want to know why
but don't want to ask,
what's the point.
So I stand in the cold,
waiting for the sun's return.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Shikse

She was a Shikse, he was a Jew, that was all we ever knew.

My mom was a crazy baal teshuva, and that's how the story began, many years ago.

I can't say that it is over yet.

She thought she could 'save' him.

She thought she was doing the right thing by trying to break them up.

I think she was insane.

"You remember Patricia?"

No... blank stare.

"Patricia, Marc's wife."

Oh.... that Patricia. I thought she was called Patty.

She was never called Patty?

Her kid looks familiar. Zach, is it? I think I've seen pictures on Facebook.

Eleven, is he? Has it really been that long?

Do you even know who I am? Are we really gonna play this dance?

He reminds me of my dad, in that 'they must be related' kind of way. They have the same humor.

My mom keeps saying how important family is, which is kind of funny given our history.

I never had a choice.

But now I do.

I add 'Patricia' on Facebook.

Mending fences, one relative at a time.

Monday, February 2, 2015

They say insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again
and expecting different results.
I guess that makes me insane.

The name of the game is heart break
and you are so good at it,
or is it me who
loves the drama.

Stupid, stupid, stupid,
for going after you
when you were so clearly
through with me.

Those girls who say
better to have the wrong one
than to have no one
has never met you.

Like Frankenstein's monster
I try to be
a little bit of everyone
hoping to be the one for you.

Except that gets me no where
but losing bits of myself
along the way,
pieces I didn't know I lost.

But I am pretty,
oh so pretty,
pretty and witty,
what more could you want?

You can't touch me,
you can't hurt me,
you can't find me
I must be hiding away.

There are so many reasons
for saying 'no'
I've heard them all,
I just don't care.

All it takes is one ''yes',
I've asked G-d
but all I hear
is silence.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Remember Tonight

White hot anger
coursing through me,
the cause partially

Can't describe
the reason why
I'm so upset
about today.

The stress
was too much
going wrong.

And you were gone
and I was left
to clean up mistakes,
to fix things.

I hate
when things spiral
out of control
as they often do.

Always playing catch up
never any time
to catch our breath
to recap.

I text you furiously
so mad
to the point of tears
unable to translate to words.

You call me seconds later,
I half expected it,
didn't want to answer,

But your voice,
your words,
they calm me,
bring me back from the edge.

You make everything
seem alright,
everything is manageable
to you.

We never had time
to talk,
but now somehow
we do.

I wonder what the score is,
you rushed home
to see the game,
but waste your time on me.

The snow falls softly around us,
your voice in my ear,
familiar and reassuring,
my stress ebbing away.

I'm going to miss you
when you're gone.
But I'm sure
you already know that.

Thursday, January 29, 2015


The ground is getting closer
the sky grows far away,
The snow is gray and dirty
it's just that kind of day.

I knew I had to come back
I can't be gone forever
But when will things stop moving
When will it all be over.

Sometimes I just can't breath,
it all becomes too much
I need to get away
from reality, lose touch.

But I never really landed
I'm still up in the air
Searching for a place
that was never even there.

They compliment my new look
my hair flows straight and free
I tried to be different
but I can't get away from me.

And every time I go away
I'm forced to return again
Whatever demons I'm fighting
it never really ends.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Snowed In

I never thought I'd be more interested in going to work then sleeping in and having a snow day.

I feel restless.

I just got back from vacation. It's weird, people keep asking me what I did in Florida, and truthfully I didn't do much, but I relaxed and had a great time. I didn't think about work at all. And then I was ready to come back and get back into the swing of things. Everyone at work was happy to see me back, and it's great to have people that you look forward to seeing. (I even got an awkward hug from a guy who didn't understand when I said 'air hug').

But now with the snow shutting down the city, I am bored and itching to go out and do something. Anything.

The problem with being busy all the time with work and school is that your friends pretty much get pushed to the wayside, and when you are 'ready' to hang out again, no one is around. Or you forget their names since it's been so long.

One guy at work  invited another guy over for beers tonight, and just like that they had plans. I wish it were that simple, that I could do away with all the stupid planning, arranging, thinking about fun things to do and never actually doing them. I wish I could just kick back with a friend and grab a beer. But I don't drink beers, and I wasn't invited.

I am sitting here thinking I should go to sleep but I don't have work tomorrow (officially) yet the thought of me sleeping in with a big white wonderful world outside is a downer.

Something about a snow day makes me want to bake. But I have been baking way too much lately, and I am trying to take a break.

"Instead of waiting for things to come to you, go out and make them happen."

Well, look at that. Just got a call from a friend asking me to come over to her place to watch a movie and bake. So yay, I guess I have friends after all.

As one client said to me today, "Happy Blizzard!"

Thursday, January 15, 2015


everything was
shiny and new
you smiled at me and wanted to know
who I am,
what my story was,
tell me about yourself.

You listened,
or pretended to,
you joked with me,
laughed with me,
looked at me
and made me feel

Time passes,
the newness wears off
and suddenly I am invisible
to you
to them all
like an old toy forgotten,
never to be played with again.

There's someone new
to fawn over,
someone, something more interesting,
my smile doesn't appeal to you
my cookies no longer satisfy you
I'm yesterday's news
and tomorrow's trash.

Standing outside
with out-stretched arms
head thrown back
howling at the moon
the wind carrying your voice
to heaven
I wonder if they can see me from space.

Does anyone see me,
does anyone hear me,
I talk and you ignore me
you laugh with others
joke with others
but to you
I am invisible.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Snow-covered Beauty

Stress and pressure weighing down on me
making me want to run
I find a place to hide
in the freezing cold
and hope no one will find me.

I talk on the phone in tears
wondering why I can't just
suck it up
and deal with it
like a man
but I'm no man
and no one should have to deal with this.

I love my job
but I hate the way it
sucks me in
leaving work at midnight
because I just can't let go
they don't ask me to stay
but I expect it of myself.

While you were away
I tried
to do the job of two men
but I need you
so please don't go away again.
I tried to be you
but I couldn't.

The sight of fresh white snow
envelopes me in its beauty
and simplicity
I breathe it in
though snow has no smell,
I smell it, I feel it
in every breath.

And the snow
makes everything better
everything brighter
all my problems go away
if only for a minute
as I watch the snowflakes fall lazily to earth
and find a place to rest.

Things will get better I know,
they always do.
Well-rested weekend
and ready to start again.
Sad songs playing on the radio
don't make me sad no more
and I know I've grown.

Saturday, January 3, 2015



My Shabbos turned from an anti-social one-woman no-meals sleep-all-day event into a getaway with 6 other people, spur of the moment decision which I can describe as blissful.

I was surrounded by good company, decent food, and we just chilled. I got dressed up even though the crowd was casual and would not have cared if I stayed in pajamas all day. And I was tempted to do so. But it felt nice to dress up for a change, wear heels.

I experienced a new community. Due to my sheltered and spoiled upbringing, I never realized there was life outside of Brooklyn. There are Jews in other communities! They dress like us, talk like us, go to shul like us. They were warm and welcoming and showed me all that I was missing.

I was right near the ocean, and I could smell the salt in the air. Unfortunately, the weather was rainy the whole day, so we didn't make it to the beach. But it was so relaxing waking up to a peaceful quiet day and having a nice Shabbos with new and interesting people.

I should get away more often.

Tuesday, December 30, 2014


Wearing my red 'hooker' boots, which may or may not be maroon, and that matters because if they are maroon then they are classy, elegant, but if they are red, they scream rebellion, and promiscuity, but today I don't really care, I just want to look good. For who? I don't know.

I don't know why I'm wearing them to work today, they are not so comfortable and not so practical, thought a part of me just really needs a win today. Yesterday I did my hair in an elegant bun, and they noticed. Today I wore my red suede boots, and they noticed. I don't know why I'm trying to get noticed. Maybe because I stopped baking, and I'm scared they will forget me.

I have been baking regularly for the office, I don't know why. Maybe I just want them to like me, accept me, though I've been here for 4 months, they already have a nickname for me, I got a key to the warehouse that not many people have, I got a radio that I requested, and today I got a raise. If that's not acceptance, then I don't know what is.

But I still somehow feel... empty. The office is emptying out, it is 7 pm, and here I am, still here, with nothing better to do at home. It's late and I'm tired and I just want to go home, but this place, this job, it sucks me in, the work never stops and so technically I could stay forever and never leave.

I used to have to leave at a certain time every day to go to school, and now that I'm on break I just stay and get work done, because what's the point of going home to a sad lonely apartment and watching tv for a few hours then going to bed.

I try to stay positive, I looked awesome today and I got many compliments. I feel powerful, I feel like no one will mess with me and I can do it all. I work around mainly guys, and they notice, and they comment, and they can see that I mean business and when I say I'm going places I will make it happen.

Some days I love it, I love being busy and I love being around all these people.

But then there are days like today, when everything becomes overwhelming, when everything is stressful, when everyone is leaving at the end of the day to go home to their kids and families, and I have no one to go home to.

I have big plans for 2015. It is the year I turn 25. I will graduate college with a bachelors degree, I will reach my goal weight, I will reach a financial goal I set for myself, and G-d willing it will be the year that I meet the man I'm gonna marry.

And all that sounds exciting, and it is not all in my hands, and I know that. For some reason G-d wants me to be alone right now, maybe to learn how to become the strong independent woman that I am learning how to be every day. And I know I am not really alone. I call my mom and end up crying on the phone at work, because I just want to go home, only I don't know where that is right now.

But I am scared and I am lonely, and tonight I just don't know where to turn for comfort.

Thursday, December 25, 2014


that's how news travels around here.
No form of communication,
hear it through the grapevine
or you never heard it at all.

Head underwater,
can't swallow,
like a golf ball encased in wool
shoved down your throat,
they call it strep,
I call it misery.

Doc says take a day off,
rest and recover,
I apologize to my boss,
say I can come in anyway,
if you need me.

He says we'll manage without you,
so I go back to sleep,
and enjoy two days off,
bliss and oblivious
to what was left behind.

Two days. Two.
"Oh thank G-d you're back."
Her face says it all.
Every single person
asks how I'm feeling,
they missed me.

I'm feeling under-appreciated,
I tell one manager,
I put in a request that went ignored,
I feel like you guys don't respect me.

I just wanted a radio,
I wanted to feel like part of the team,
Like I mattered.
But he just couldn't find one for me.
So I slunk away, mad and upset.

Merry Christmas,
he tells me.
I found one for you after all.
He looks at me and says,
"They were falling apart without you."

Call it an ego boost,
call it insecurity,
call it whatever you want,
it's just nice to feel appreciated.
Too bad it takes getting sick
for them to tell you good job,
we can't do it without you.

And just like that
I matter.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

You say hello, I say goodbye

It's the last class of the semester, and we're having a party. One girl tears up relating her experiences in the class. I never get attached. The end of the semester means the end, goodbye, it's been fun, see you never. My group from the final project says, we'll keep in touch, totally! Ya, not gonna happen. If I kept in touch with every person I ever came across in my life, I'd have litter. And no one likes litter. I weed out my friends every now and then, to be sure that only the quality ones remain. (Don't take that the way it sounds, I don't dump friends or anything. I just don't have that many of them).

I don't see the point in keeping in touch, especially at school. I don't need random old classmates in my life. I go to school and go home and that's that.

I got my first grade of the semester: A+. Yay.

 Happy night #2!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Oh Chanukah...

The new guy fist bumped me today. And I just... let it happen. I guess no one filled him in on the weird traditions of no touching guys that we have going on. I want to say something, but it seems a little weak after the fact. Like, hey new guy, I know we fist bumped once, but don't expect it to happen again, cuz I'm shomer negia, and ya that's a real thing. Sometimes I wonder what it really means to be shomer negia. Because honestly, it is so easy to let it go. It's not even an effort, really. You just simply let some guy shake your hand once and suddenly, what's the big deal?

I'm still at work as the sun goes down and Chanukah begins... My body is weak and tired and I feel a cold coming on... I lay down on the floor of the office and shut my eyes... The manager asks if I'm okay, and I tell him I'm fine... There's a big box of chocolate that someone donated, and suddenly I want chocolate... But all the chocolate in the world will not help me feel better... It will make me feel worse.

I walk over to L's desk and just sit down. He asks me what I want. I tell him I'm sick, and honestly I just want some sympathy. His wife was in the office today. He acts uptight around her, as if he never makes inappropriate comments or flirts with anyone when she is not around. He comes from an extremely Chassidish world. People have many sides to them...

I ask him for a ride home. He makes me sit in the back. I live out of his way, but he takes me anyway. I plan to ignore him and listen to music the whole way home. But he talks to me. I tell him how hard it is to be alone on a holiday like Chanukah, where everything is about family. Shidduchim comes up, as it always does. I find myself confiding in him, telling him about a date I had recently. I want him to make it all better. At work, he can be a pain, he ignores me when I make a request that he doesn't like, he blames me for miscommunications, and he is hard to deal with. But when I sit down at his desk to talk, suddenly he is a real person, listening and giving advice.

His phone rings and I see it says 'Home'. He puts his finger to his lips in a shushing motion. After all, his wife can't know that he drove me home, cuz what might that mean...?

We come from two different worlds. I'm not saying I think it's okay to be friendly with a married coworker, and it is definitely a slippery slope. I guess he doesn't want his wife making any insinuations.

I call my mom and tell her how sad it is that I'm alone on Chanukah and lighting candles by myself. I realize how pathetic I sound. I tell Anthony that it is like him being alone on Christmas, to which he responds "I will be alone on Christmas".

I guess it is all about perspective. I don't have it that bad, and I have to remember that.

I hope to bake tonight, and baking always cheers me up.

A freilechin Chanukah to all, and I hope you can see true revealed light in your life.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Give Up

Pitch black,
the sound of rain streaming down
outside my window,
alarm blaring,
coming out of the haze we call sleep,
what is that noise,
shut off the alarm,
looking at the phone like, what is that
and how did it get in my hand.

Crawling to the bathroom,
eyes asdjusting to the light,
staring at your reflection,
thinking about last night
wondering why you have to go through this
and again,
when will it end.

Bleary eyed,
foggy brain,
you know you need to brush your teeth,
do your routine,
get dressed, go to work,
get through the day
but you are so sick of just
getting through the day,
what's the point.

you don't know who to ask
but you want to ask,
Tired, you are so tired,
the cold bathroom floor, any floor really
seems tempting,
just lie down and curl up in a ball
and sleep.

Let me sleep through it,
shut my eyes
and glide through the hard times in life,
skip over it
straight to the good.
But if we gave up
 when the going got tough,
would there be any good times to have?

Sheldon would offer me a cup of tea,
but hey, TV ain't real life,
plus, I know how to make tea,
but right now I have to go to work,
so I hug myself tight,
saying everything will be okay,
my mom would do that
but she's not here.

Sometimes, the desire to give up is so strong,
but giving up is not an option.

Sunday, December 7, 2014


“Sometimes when things are falling apart, they may actually be falling into place.”

If you hurt me, I will hurt you back,
I will twist and pull and pinch
until you feel the pain that you caused me.

The rain comes pouring down
drenching me,
and I like it, I crave it.

Sometimes we want the pain.
Don't lie,
you like it.

You crave the hurt
you get high on the fall
on the descent into hell.

Oh how you pretend that it's okay
to play, it's all fun and games
until someone gets hurt.

And that someone is always you.
While guys go on their merry way
and don't look back.

Oh how I want to hurt you,
but really who caused this pain,
Not I...?

Take a bite of the poisonous apple
and enjoy it, savor it,
love it.

Tomorrow will come
and he'll still be there,
only you will be in millions of pieces.

And you did this.
But who will take the blame.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

To Live

You judge me,
I see it in your eyes when you look at me,
like you know better
what's best for me.

The truth is,
my conscience stopped bothering me
a long time ago
it's quiet now.

I can't say that's a good thing
but I'm enjoying life
no guilt
no regrets.

You think I'm still that innocent girl
of yesteryear
but I'm not
and never will be again.

My choices, my decisions
are on me,
the consequences
affect me alone.

I see a girl in a mini skirt
and I start to judge her,
and then I remember how it feels
to be judged.

I don't want your advice,
so I probably shouldn't tell you
cuz you don't want to know
and that's okay.

I look at her
like you look at me
but remember that
you never know all the details.

I didn't give up
I just decided to live
and not worry about

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

You asked

6:00 AM... the world is still and silent,
lights flickering off one by one
the night sky still black.

It's cold out,
my body still waking up
but invigorated.

At work at 6:45 am...
because you asked
and so I came.

To feel needed...
to feel wanted...
your face says it all.

That you didn't know I would come
that you appreciated that I came
but you asked.

And so I came,
no questions asked
because you take care of me.

So I take care of you
and it feels nice
to be needed.

I know I give you a hard time,
but if you need me
just ask and I'll be there.

Friday, November 21, 2014


I used to hate the cold, dark dreary nights
the light waning at 4
going dark and sucking you in
the cold hitting your hands, and face
places you never knew could feel a draft.

I used to hate the heavy feeling that descended along with winter,
the desire to eat more
extra padding emotionally and physically
wanting to stay indoors
and never ever seeing the sun.

The sky is clear tonight,
millions of stars pricking
the black silky expanse
the cold searing my lungs
but pure and fresh and beautiful,
oh so beautiful.

I can't feel my hands
but I feel alive
I don't feel elation
but the heavy feeling is gone,
for once I don't feel like eating away my feelings,
and I know that means that I've changed.

Huddled in my coat
braced against the cold,
I could stay here forever
frozen in time and place,
just a girl
sitting on a subway platform
wiling away the time
enjoying the beautiful

Thursday, November 13, 2014


She startles me.
I don't recognize her.

I approach the glass tentatively,
trying to see some trace of familiarity.

The black inky sky creates a one-way mirror,
and I see her.

I see me.
But I've never seen her before.

The hallway is empty
and so I stare unselfconsciously.

Look at her,
that girl who was once ashamed of mirrors and photographs.

That girl who walked awkwardly by guys
wondering what they were thinking.

That girl who begged the world to accept her, love her,
but who couldn't even love herself.

I look at her, at me,
in admiration.

I've had more bad days than not this week,
and yet still the fighter in me won't give up.

I trace the curve of my hips, turn this way and that,
and then simply sit awhile.

I look out at the night sky, loving the view from up here,
the quietness so peaceful it causes me to drift off.

I sleep, and when I wake up she's still there,
staring back pensively.

She's not a stranger.
She's an old friend who was lost for awhile.

And now I've found her.
I finally found me.


It's like Deja Vu, only...different.
I said I'd never make the same mistakes again
and yet here I am.
Weird how we keep circling back.

Frustration builds inside of me
every time you're around.
It's stupid, really. We're grown ups
and yet you act like a child.

Some people victimize themselves
and blame others for their own mistakes.
Is that what I'm doing here?
Were you a mistake?

Every day, every look, every taunt
is a reminder of how foolish this is,
how stupid and careless this is
how I stopped thinking.

I stopped thinking for one minute,
and that was it.
You can't undo what you've done
and consequences follow.

I want to turn back the clock
and start over
but how different would it be really?
There'd be no you, no me. No us.

Just as it's supposed to be.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

I wanna get away

Can't sit still.
I wanna jump on a plane and fly away,
enjoy the warmth of the sky's embrace.

Close my eyes
and point to a globe,
just go anywhere
and stay for awhile.

Come back when I'm ready,
whenever that may be.
Just not here,
I can't stay here.

I think of all the things that tie me down,
and all the reasons for me to go.
If I were impulsive
I'd be gone by now.

Can't sit still.
I think of all the fun I could be having
and all that I'm missing.

I just wanna get away.
Take a break for awhile.
Come back when I'm ready.
Whenever that may be.

Or never.
Imagine starting over somewhere fresh.
Leave your old life behind.
You can be anybody.

How can you keep going
when you want to be
but here?

Tuesday, November 4, 2014


I put my mom to sleep in the other room. She's spending the night with me.

I'm waiting for the place to be quiet so I can think.

I think best in middle of the night, when everyone is sleeping. I love the peace, the quiet, the alone time.

I love being alone.

Even if sometimes it gets lonely.

My mom came to class with me tonight. The topic was suicide. She talked about my grandmother.

I never knew her. She died before I was born.

We all knew about her suicide early on. My mom says there are no secrets in our family.

Except for the things we never say.

I used to tell my friends that my grandmother committed suicide before I realized how socially unacceptable that was to talk about.

But isn't that the point, really?

Why must we stigmatize things that we have no control over?

Depression is a sickness and must be treated like any other.

My mom said Bubby Dorris loved to shop, and would buy tons of clothes in many colors.

She would have probably taken us shopping, if she was still alive.

But she's not.

I never really felt anything about it, until I was in Florida when I was 18. I thought about visiting her grave, but never made it there.

I thought, how incredibly selfish of her, to kill herself without thinking of the people she was leaving behind.

Why didn't she think of me??

My mom told her she would be okay. Because that was all she could say.

It's not okay, really. It never is.

My mama stood up there speaking in front of the class, and told them things I never knew.

I knew about her own depression, and finally deciding to get the help she needed.

My teacher told us the way to know if someone is serious about suicide is to ask them if they have a plan. If they do, you should be worried.

My mom said she once thought she would go to Coney Island, start swimming, and never stop.

But she didn't want to do that to her family.

I'm glad she got the help when she did.

They say depression is hereditary.

I wonder how much it will affect me.

Sometimes I feel sad.

But sadness is not depression. Sadness is feelings of pain or loneliness welling up inside of you and seeping out as much as you try to stuff it down.

Every time I get stressed or overwhelmed, I calm my self down by saying, you're okay, everything will be okay.

And it always is.

It's quiet now, and I wish it would stay this way. I wish the quiet calm would last.

Except it never does.

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work and go to school and deal with the stresses and responsibilities that come with my life, and hope that I can get through the day with a smile on my face.

I wish my grandmother lived to see the legacy she left behind.

She wanted to know that we would be okay.

I know we will be okay.

I know, because it took us years to get to this point.

I know, because I knew what depression felt like, that black hole that makes you feel like you will never be happy again.

I know, because you changed, and so did we.

I know we will be okay, and as you sleep in the other room and I remember everything you said to the class tonight, I think about how lucky I am to have a mother as strong as you.

We will be okay because we have each other.

And two is stronger than one.