I saw a friend of mine that I haven't seen in a few years. We were never really friends, more like aquantences. When I saw her, she looked like every other non religious girl walking down the street. Leggings, short sleeved t-shirt, flip flops. All traces that this girl had once been frum, had been in school with me through elementary school, were gone, without a trace. It was as if that other girl disappeared, leaving this new one in her place.
It was a little frightening, really. I mean, I treated her the same. Smiled, asked her about her life, told her how mine was doing. And there were no bad feelings. After all, this was her choice in life, and who am I to question it, or scorn her. But then it hit me: what if that were me?
The only difference between us is choice. I chose one path, and she chose another, very different one. I choose to follow rules that G-d set before us, and she ignores them. What if it were the other way around? What if I completely lost my sensitivity, and just dropped it all, like that?
I tried to see myself a few years down the line, in jeans and a t-shirt, mini skirt, flip flops. Doing whatever I wanted, mocking G-d, or worse, not caring at all. I don't think I can do it.
I know that 'fraying' out isn't 'doing it'. In fact, you don't have to 'do' anything. You just have to not do. And it can't be easy, at first. I imagine there being guilt, and remorse, until it gets easier and easier, and you banish your conscience altogether.
I know I may not do the mitzvos behidur, or keep all the things I should. I know that when they preach about tznius, they are talking to me, as much as to the next girl. I know I lost some sensitivity towards skirt length, elbows, the whole shebang. It is very easy to neglect, to excuse behavior. But to go all the way, to deny G-d and His commandments- don't think I could do it.
The scary part is, you don't have to do anything. And there is a very fine line that stands between right, and wrong. How do I know that I won't inadvertantly cross that line?
because YOU care too much, otherwise why all the emotion
ReplyDeleteI guess we can never know, didn't Rabbi Yochonon Kohen Gadol fry out when he was like 90.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Chanalia. If you're this freaked out, it's never gonna happen to you.
ReplyDeleteI know where you're coming from. My worst fear is that one day, ch"v, I'll stop caring. Oy...
ReplyDeletei disagree. just because you care about this so much, doesnt mean that it isnt possible that one day you wont care. its about the actions - you have to make sure that when you move back to the states, and you're living a post sem, school free life for the first time, you create a structure for yourself. one that will support and encourage and continue to excite you about your yiddishkeit.
ReplyDeletebecause passion is great. but its not like the energizer bunny. it doesnt just keep going.
wise words, cheerio. issarusa d'laila only works for a short amount of time-without a corresponding issarusa d'lsata it'll vanish with nothing to show for its existence.
ReplyDeleteCheerio and TRS- Gut gezugt.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I should have clarified, by caring I meant enough to actually perform the actions. I wasn't referring to emotiaonal status quo.
ReplyDeletewow, what a post...I think just by writing this, it shows your in the write direction, that you care about doing the right thing and the mitzvos and you won't forsake G-d the way others have done.
ReplyDeleteActually, the over emotional people are the ones that usually snap. Seen it myself, more than once. You have someone who's a zealot and whose whole life is centered around his one belief and then something happens and snap.
ReplyDelete"And there were no bad feelings."
Why should there be? I have OTD and not frum friends. Is it their fault? Is it society's fault? Combination of the 2? Who cares.
You want to help them? Treat them as you would your frum friends and invite them for shabbat, yom tov, simchas, etc.
You will know when you have crossed the line.
ReplyDeletechildish- i will know, but by then it may be too late top turn back. even though i know it is never too late.
ReplyDeletesarabonn- there is that fear, yes. i was born frum from birth, but ive seen quite a few people just drop it, for various reasons. obviously, if u care enough, and u can acknowledge when u are slipping, then i doubt u will go the whole way. and that is what having mashpias, teachers, rabbis are for.
cheerio- i agree. i know when i go home after sem, it is going to be a harsh fall back to reality. maybe it will take some time, but hopefully i'll be able to create that structure u described. no its not easy, but its possible.
moshe- my point was, some people see friends that 'freid' out, and they scorn them, think bad things abt them, condemn them etc. i was just saying that i had none of those feelings. yes, maybe it hurt me to see it, made me sad, but i am not the kind of person that would ex-communicate a friend/ relative if that happened. i know there are people who would. and yes, the best thing to do is treat them the same, invite them over, show them that u care. maybe that will bring them back some day.
the best thing to do is treat the same, invite them over, show them u care - because you do care. period.
ReplyDelete