Now it's the calm before the storm. Peaceful. Waiting. Soon, soon, it will fill up, become packed to maximum capacity, squishy, claustrophobic, shoving, chaos, confusion. But now, it's serene, empty.
I stand there, wondering why I came. I don't even know anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I just didn't come at all. I feel like a faker, an impostor. What is my business here? If I came here to ask for something, why come? How can you ask without offering something in exchange? If I came here to say something, why come? What have I to say? Hi?
And yet I come. I grit my teeth, I force myself to write, to go, to pray. My heart hammers as I walk down the path, feeling out of place here, a stranger. Entering the doorway, not sure what to do, knowing the customs, but not comfortable with it. It is not mine. Standing near the stone, so much confusion, so many thoughts, too many outer influences. Warring emotions, sadness, love, pain, anger. How can I explain?
I close the book. The words just don't talk to me. I don't feel that they are mine. I close my eyes, lean my head against the stone, and let my heart do the talking. My thoughts run. I am praying, in my own language. All rules aside, don't let anyone tell me how to do this, it is my connection. Got to find my own way.
Suddenly, don't want to leave, but can't stay here any longer. I've said it all. Don't feel any better. Walk down the road, doesn't feel real. Don't know when I'll be back. Not sure if I want to. Not sure about much at all.
They told me to come. They told me to do it this way, not that. They told me what to write, what to say, what to think. How to dress, how to act. But no more. Can't follow them anymore. Otherwise, I won't come at all. Now its up to me.
I come. Not sure why. I write whatever I feel. I say what I want to say. I dress how I want to. I think my thoughts. Now I don't care. The main thing is, I still come, though it's hard, and makes no sense to me.
Don't want to, but I come. Don't know what to say, but I come. Not sure how to feel, but I come. Now it's gonna be on my own terms. Cuz I gotta find my own way.
i don't know what to write that wouldn't sound snarky. (Damn. i think I just did sound snarky. And I REALLY didn't want to.)
ReplyDeleteApparently not real enough, or i wouldn't have posted that comment. Fine. I admit it. I guess at some level I did want to sound snarky.
ReplyDeleteu are mean. cmon, nothing to say abt the post itself?
ReplyDeletethank you for your snarkiness. always apreciated. (i was wondering how long it would take till u commented on this.) but REAL comment please.
Here's the snarky comment which I so snarkily described not leaving:
ReplyDeleteYou're growing up. You're discovering that you can't accept religion as a whole package, the way it's been taught to you. It's not a fun process, but it's real. Whatever you're left with is really real.
Ok. that was more condescending than snarky. Lady, you asked for it. you got it.
i feel your frustration
ReplyDeletei feel like im gonna get the usual beating, but here goes.
your frustration is normal, we all have it or have had it(i hope). to do something on what seems like blind faith. more than that to question what the hell am i doing?
but we also have to come to a realization that we are not going to get some things, not going to understand some things. but just 'cause we don't understand it, doesn't mean we shouldn't do it
sometimes you just have to give in and do things without thinking, let yourself go.
there's a reason that we are called "believers, sons of believers".
don't get me wrong, try as hard as possible to understand and do things with reason.
and with the faker thing, we all get it, just don't let it mask your better judgement
as TRS put it...
ReplyDeletehttp://therealshliach.blogspot.com/2009/05/amaizeing.html
The last paragraph basically sums it up...
cmbc: Sheesh, I'm impressed. I appreciate that.
ReplyDeleteshimshy. fine. but its easier to just drop the things u dont understand, give in to temptation and do whatever the hell u want to. and u know wut? u dont get struck by lightening for it.
ReplyDeletee- thank you, that was neither snarky nor condescending, but honest. right now, im just picking and choosing what to do. i dont feel like doing something on 'kabalas ol'. it is garbage, and doesnt work.
I just typed a long, heartfelt comment, then pressed "post comment" without realizing i had lost connection. Needless to say, it was lost. But this was probably for the best, as it was slightly personal. Hopefully I'll email you or FB you one of these days... but now my internet is so spastic...
ReplyDeletei dont feel like doing something on 'kabalas ol'. it is garbage, and doesnt work.
ReplyDeleteOf what relevance is that? Kabbolas ol means you don't care about yourself, what works, and what you think is garbage. It means you do whatever Judaism tell you to do. And kabbolas ol is not optional.
Yeah, Altie, sorry to have to say it, but that wasn't a very intelligent comment.
ReplyDeleteno, i meant, kobolas ol in the sense that, i just listen, just do, just accept, dont question. E, it IS optional, and there are people who try to lead their life like that, and especially push it on other people. My point is, i am not like that, i will never be like that, and i dont like 'accepting' things, and doing things just cuz im told to. besides for g-d, and with Him only sometimes.
ReplyDeletelearn some chassidus. you'll see that it's not at all optional.
ReplyDeletealtie, im not sure you understand what e is saying. kabalas ol is dafka having simcha about doing something that you dont understand, and it shows a greater belief you have in Hashem. if you only do what you understand, you might as well be saying that you are just as smart as Hashem - which is a dangerous way of thinking.
ReplyDeleteor rather you are saying that you are smarter than the one and almighty G-d.
ReplyDeleteAnon: you wouldn't happen to be the same anon who was commenting on my blog?
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, kabolas ol isn't just about having simcha in doing what you don't understand. If that were the case, one could say, "kabolas ol ain't for me because I can't have simcha in doing what I don't understand." Kabolas ol demands that you serve god even when serving god makes you miserable and each fiber of your body says, "No!!! I hate this stuff."
e+Altie: http://therealshliach.blogspot.com/2009/04/and-on-eleventh-day.html
ReplyDeleteomg... Altie.. I almost tot agree with you. HS makes u feel that way... If theres an answer...its kabbolos ol... if theres no answer... well have kabbolos ol.
ReplyDeleteIts soo annoyingly frustrating.
And i look at these kids in my class hu are pure kabbolos olniks... and theyre so happy. Never confused. The ones getting the awards. The ones the teachers love.
Ya... but theyre living to the words of someone elses lines.
or theyre just afraid --->not that theres nething wrong with that... its yiras shomayim.
But srsly...
I think people need to get minds of there own.
And in reality... if they use them... they will discover that there are answers. they are there.
And wat makes me soo sure? Everything in torah fits in perfectly with another. its all intertwined. and torah covers life to the minutest detail...and so far its a lifestyle thats been proven to be the most ultimate.
lol...
sorry for this long post...
E- all u seem to be doing is trying to trip me up, trying to make me sound like an idiot, challenging everything I say just so u can come back with a 'snarky' comment. If thats the case, stop, its annoying and unproductive.
ReplyDeletecmbc- they seem happy, but are they really, underneath? do they look at the girls who wear skirts a bit shorter and dnt care, and think, oh if only i could do that too. u dont think they are just the teensiest bit jealous of the kids who went off the derech, and envy them their freedom? u think they are so happy to just do, accept, life the life G-d said to?
anonymous- I'm not saying that im greater than g-d. i believe he is the greatest, dont forget that.
and dont get me wrong, kabalas ol is a good thing, for whoever chooses to keep it. i just think its not for me.
yes i know i sound hypocritical. 'its nice but not for me'. all i can say is, i hope your journies are as smooth as mine is not.
sorry that i have to remain anonymous, but that is my way of having affect on people - them not knowing who i am
ReplyDeletebut if you believe in G-d, then all He says is true.its not havingblind faith in teachers, its having blind faith in what G-d says. teachers are just telling us what hashem says. true sometimes they make it up.... add some stuff... which is totally not good... we must learn the torah and its halachos, and keep to it, even if they make no sense, or seem purposeless. we dont know the affect that our actions have in the upper worlds.
anon: right on.
ReplyDeletealtie: I'm not trying to be obnoxious. I'm just trying to make sure you understand what Judaism (your brand of it, at least) says. If you don't want to have kabolas ol, fine. Just don't convince yourself that our brand of judaism allows you that choice. Know that you're transgressing,
i.e. know that one who says, "kabolas ol is not for me" is asserting that he or she knows better than the Lubavitcher Rebbe. (And if the Rebbe's opinions are God's opinions, then you're also asserting that you know more than God.)
ReplyDeletewell said e
ReplyDeleteSome of them are too naive to know otherwise...so Yes, they are happy.
ReplyDeleteSome are kabbolos Olniks... and are very happy this way. They know of other lifestyles, Not naive in the least... and yet they feel that a life of yiddishkiet is the one making them happiest. They may not know the reasons... but they know it works. Yet, i mostly find that the girls in this group have questioned... but then just settled with kabolos ol, so thats an entire diff category in any case.
And there's the third group... that yes unfortunately... Wish they were on the other side... But usually at this point u can tell. At this point they kind of lose their fear and They start rebelling little by little... until...
CMBC-there is another group you haven't mentioned. Those of us that have questioned, searched, and found answers. We are frum because we choose to be and because we know it's the right thing and the truth.
ReplyDeleteC- doesnt the second group include that?
ReplyDelete"Some are kabbolos Olniks... and are very happy this way. They know of other lifestyles, Not naive in the least... and yet they feel that a life of yiddishkiet is the one making them happiest. They may not know the reasons... but they know it works. Yet, i mostly find that the girls in this group have questioned... but then just settled with kabolos ol, so thats an entire diff category in any case."
ReplyDeleteI didn't "settle" for kabbolos ol. Kabblos ol implies not thinking for oneself. Yes there are parts of Judaism that require kabolos ol-but that's a choice to make; whether I want to live with kabolol ol.
in that case, ur right...
ReplyDeleteSo make that a fourth... :)
e- fine, then call me a sinner.
ReplyDelete