'I can't claim to know you, because to know someone is to know their soul, and you have not let me in.'
Why is friendship so hard? You think you know someone, but then you realize, you don't really know them at all.
You care about a person. When they cry, so do you. When they are happy, you can't help but smile. A true friend has a piece of you in them, as you have a part of them in you.
When they go through hard times, you wish you can take their problems on your shoulders, take their hand, lead them through it. You want to make their problems go away, because it hurts you to see them suffer.
But what do you do when they don't let you in? When you know they are going through hard times, but they brush you off, and tell you that everything is fine. But it's not fine, you know that. And they know that too. They just don't want to share it with you. What then?
Do you childishly stalk off in a huff, and say, if they don't need me, then I won't care at all? Do you laugh and make believe everything is fine? Do you stay by them through the hard times, and make sure they know you are there if they need you, even though you are standing out in the cold, on the other side of the closed door?
Is it selfish to want to help them? To want to feel needed?
I read a story once.
There was a girl who went to camp to be a counselor. She never felt needed or wanted. In camp, she met a lovely little girl, and they became close. She felt needed and loved by someone finally. Once, the campers were swimming in the pool, and this little girl started to drown. The counselor, seeing this said, please G-d, let me be the one to save her. She jumped into the pool, and saved the little girl. After that their bond became so much stronger.
Was she selfish in asking G-d that she be the one to save the little girl? To want to be the hero, to be the person to have that special bond with her?
When people go through hard times, they turn to people for help. Friends, and family. They share a bond with the ones that helped them, because they were there for them when they needed someone most.
So is it selfish to want to feel needed, rather than just being a friend no matter what?
But friendship must be a two way street.
And it hurts when they don't let you in.
the question is why aren't you being let in.
ReplyDeleteIn a sense it is technically a self-serving desire,but it's not actual selfishness because it's human nature. One of the strongest drives is the need for self importance. We NEED to be needed, to know that WE helped, it was US US US etc. but there's nothing wrong with that because
ReplyDeletea) EVERYONE does it
b) What does the motive matter when the outcome is something good?
When someone doesn't let you in it damages the natural drive for self-importance. It bothers you because you want to be the one they turn to but you're not. ah, I got it now; it's a passive selfishness, not an active selfishness.
wow e, i never knew u had the ability to be thoughhtful.
ReplyDeletedon't u think if i knew that i wouldve stopped trying by now? Or maybe I wouldnt bother to try in the first place.
so whats the answer?
i dont think it has anything to do with me. i think its on the other persons part.
staples- right. so if they are getting help from another place than ya im happy, but all along i wish it was me, cuz after all we are friends. so it hurts.
ReplyDeletee- maybe cuz they dont want the help. or the care.
ReplyDeletekeep trying...i know that it can be hard to need, but when ppl keep trying you realize they care enough, takes some time.
ReplyDeletethe real question is...who isnt letting you in?????
ReplyDeletechanalia- what is it with you AND e asking such profound questions in one night?
ReplyDeletethe real question is- why does it matter?
"its not actual selfishness because it's human nature"
ReplyDelete"there's nothing wrong with it because EVERYONE does it"
"what does the motive matter when the outcome is good?"
SERIOUSLY?
I am going to assume you didn't write those remarks as satire.
1. Selfishness is selfishness whether or not it is a person's nature or not. We are supposed to rise above and change our nature. Not write off our faults by saying "oh well its my nature, so it's not really bad."
2. This point is meaningless. Right and Wrong are not measured by society and its behavior but are moral ABSOLUTES (with their basis in the Torah.)
3. Choosing to excercise and act upon bad motives strengthens and solidifies them regardless of the end result. (That is not to say that the end will never justify the means. Just that the motive does matter.)
Anyways as for what Altie wrote:
You can only push a person so much (even when it is for their own good) befoire they will begin to resent it. This amount varies by person but usually if you are their friend you will be able to sense when you are approaching that. At that point the only thing you can do is to tell the person that you are there for them when they are ready, and then lay off.
1) true, it is selfish, as i said. and maybe its justified and maybe its not. but its a selfish desire to HELP, so is it really selfish?
ReplyDelete2) agreed.
3) it DOES matter yes. but again, if the desire is to help them, then maybe the way to get there doesnt matter. but maybe it does, if u are doing it in the wrong way.
as to what i wrote, i agree with you. but selfish desire still weighs in. its a struggle either way, and its hard to back off.
The Rebbe ZY"A says that The Previous Rebbe ZY"A had a higher level of mesiras nefesh than Rebbe Akiva. Rebbe Akiva davka wanted to be moser nefesh to be m'kayim B'Chol Nafshecha. The Previous Rebbe just wanted to do whatever Hashem wants and if that involved mesiras nefesh than he would certainly comply.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can take out of this that while doing something good for selfish reasons is not the highest level of doing it... there certainly isn't anything wrong with it.
I hope that isn't too much of a stretch.
no, good comparison actually.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural to do things for selfish reasons but then again, who says we are supposed to go with out nature?
wow i didnt expect this post to get such deep comentary!. thanks.
So, when are you starting your blog?
hahahaha.
ReplyDeleteI figured I would get asked that eventually.
I have tossed around the idea but I am not even sure what I would write about.
My life has been pretty boring as of late...
I am starting Yeshiva again after a year of doing nothing so I guess that could bring some new things. I'll think about it.
well after u think abt it, start it, and let me know the name. deal?
ReplyDeleteThe name is the hardest part to come up with...
ReplyDeletebut deal.
do something stupid like i did, blogging ftom the holy land, only cuz i was there. u can always change it later on, the point is to get it started, or else u never will!
ReplyDeletebelieve me, i have an interesting story abt how i came to start my blog. WHEN u start yours, i shall tell u my fascinating story if u so wish to hear it.