GOODBYE 2010!

And I just have to say it..... GOODBYE 2010! It's been a good year.

A pleasant surprise

For a second, I can't breath. It is literally a heartbeat, but in that heartbeat my lungs refuse to fill with air, my heart speeds up, my eyes lose focus and I still can't force air through my mouth. I hyperventilate. I tell myself that I am fine, that I am on solid ground, yet it feels like I am moving. The waves keep coming towards me, I see no land around me, and I am feeling nauseous. I thought it would be a freeing feeling, standing on a boardwalk suspended over the water. But the only thing I am feeling is nervousness and nausea. I shall never travel on a cruise ship. I like to be on solid ground.

Two classmates. Two, within two weeks of each other. That makes five out of thirteen. A pretty good ratio. But who is counting, right?

You stop being surprised after the first one, the second one more so. Why should you be surprised when it is to be expected? It is more like a pleasurable shock, a thrill. For a second I can't believe what my eyes see, but then I smile. I am euphoric. It is good, it is right.

After five, it is to be expected, but I don't feel ready. They keep coming, but I am not ready for this, for change. So you smile, you say, I knew she would be next, you wish mazal tov, and you wait for the next surprise.

I have two lechaims to go to on Sunday. My brother's, and my friend's. At least I won't have to dress up twice.

Mazal tov, and many more pleasant surprises.

Snow snowy snowingggggg

I regret to inform you that the world does not stop despite being covered by over a foot of snow.

I gaze at the beautiful wonderland outside my window after having watched it snow all night. Yes, all night. I am safe and sound in my house as I watch other poor souls shovel in the street. Shoveling for fun, perhaps. When the monsters we call snow plows come, no one will stand a chance. And cars will remain in their snowy graves for days to come.

Oh how I love the snow, for it is beautiful and wondrous.

Happy holidays! Tra la la la la la la la.

Vacation!

When I try to think happy thoughts, it usually reminds me of children. They have a tendency to be happy for no particular reason. The word giddy comes to mind. A child's laughter is pure and untainted by sorrows or troubles. To them, being happy is the norm, and troubles or problems are rare.

Why does it seem that for adults, trouble and stress and problems are typical, and to be happy and laugh and to relax is so unusual?

I like this time of year. Everyone comes alive. It is cold outside, but people are happy and jovial. They know the holidays are coming. Yes, there is a lot of stress around the holiday season too, because people are trying to find the perfect gift, but mostly you feel the cheer and goodwill.

I went to the mall the other day, and wondered why there was a security guard directing traffic. Then I realized that there are a lot of store goers because of the holidays. It is not my holiday, that is why I forgot about it. To me, it was just another shopping trip to the mall.

Sometimes it feels weird to be the odd one out.

I like the colorful lights and the spirits. Outside it is cold, and inside it is- well, it is not nice and warm. The dorm is freezing because we are out of heating oil. I naively thought it just heats up by itself.

We have a whole week of vacation coming up, and I am greatly looking forward to that. I might be working at a winter camp. Why work during your vacation? Because it is fun. And I enjoy being busy.

Have a good shabbos everyone, and refrain from learning Torah. Play chess instead. (One of these days I have got to learn how to play.)

Happy vacation to me!

Defeat

You fall
get back up
brush yourself off and move on.

You fall again
get back up, again
and move on.

But how many times
can you stand up
after taking such a hard fall?

How many times
can you move on
when you have no fight left at all?

You freeze
paralyzed with fear
can't move an inch

Not backwards
or forwards
just stare blankly into space.

Lost your diamond ring
in the mud
but too tired to search

Too tired to think
to do
to move.

Worth the effort
or worthless?
That is the question.

But how many times
will you find yourself
in this same situation

And how many times
will you make the same decision
and do nothing at all.

Do you have faith?
Do you believe in miracles?
Still, you need to make the effort.

But what if
after all this time
you have no fight left in you?

So I stand here
looking at the mud
and what was lost.

I can't bend down to pick it up.
I can't think.
I can't do anything but stand here.

Defeated.

Mazal tov!!!

My brother is engaged!!!!! This is my oldest brother who is 29 KA"H, and we have been waiting years for this day. I told my mother, now G-d is giving a sigh of relief and saying, finally that lady will leave me alone for a bit. My mother has put her life on hold to get my brother married.

The kallah is a really sweet girl. I am so very happy for the both of them, and can't wait for the lechaim, which will be in 2 weeks, and another wedding in my family! Iy''h may we have many more of those in the future, and only simchas!

Making babies

It is a common term in the secular world, especially on TV shows and movies, when a couple decides "we are ready, let's make a baby." They tell people, "we are trying to have a baby." And then when it doesn't happen right away they get worried, they try other ways. Wouldn't it be simpler to never have prevented kids in the first place?

Before I learned about birth control, this concept of making babies didn't make sense to me. You got married, you had babies. End of story. Where was there a choice about it, a decision? I figured it was all up to G-d. Things are already decided in heaven before a baby is even conceived. Where then, is our choice in the matter?

But like all things on this earth, we always have a choice. And people choose whether or not to have a baby, and when. And then whether or not to have more children.

To me it is not a choice. I plan on having as many kids as G-d throws at me G-d willing, and then begging G-d for all the help I can get.

I don't believe in birth control, because I think every potential child should have a chance at being born.

Think about all those cute little babies running around.

Coming home

I didn't plan on coming, but I ended up here. It was like something pulled me here, a force I could not, and did not want to control.

It was freezing, but it was worth it. The water was so beautiful. It was peaceful, yet stormy at the same time. It was the perfect combination.

I let my mind empty of all thoughts, and let the waves and the sound and the sight roll over me like a soothing lullaby. It felt like... coming home.

I threw crackers to the seagulls, and laughed as they all scrambled to grab them. They looked at me with imploring eyes begging silently for more. I tried to throw some to the birds who were off to the side and looked like they couldn't fend for themselves, but the bully birds always got there first. I guess their natural inclination is fight for food or go hungry.

It was fun down till the last crumb, and then they lost interest in me.

I have a few sea shells to show for my visit today, but mostly it is something inside of me, something I can't explain, can't describe. It is a feeling.

Life throws me curve balls, and I do my best to deal with them as they come up. But sometimes I just need to get away from it all. Escape.

I found my place.

On Jewish music

This is a cute video. I commend the YU boys on their originality. I believe this video was aired on the news, and I can only imagine what a positive impact it has had, and how many Jews it has reached.

I do however want to point out a few things. This tune is from a popular non-Jewish song that is currently being played on the radio. As such, it is not appropriate for frum children to listen to. It is similar to how Matisyahu said his music was not meant for frum boys, but as an outreach to non religious Jews who know nothing about yidishkeit.

Personally, I hate hypocrisy. What you want to do in your own life, for your own family, that is fine. But don't be hypocritical about it. Don't preach about how non Jewish music is bad for the soul, how it is all tuma, klipa dekedusha, etc. etc., and then listen to so called "Jewish" music, which is nothing but a watered down version of the non Jewish music these days. I cannot tell you how many Jewish singers take a non Jewish song and put holy words to it and call it Jewish. And this is what you want your kids to listen to? I say, you might as well listen to the real thing.

Someone enlightened me to the fact that there is no such thing as "Jewish" music, that there is no source for what I was taught in school, that music effects the soul, and non Jewish music, specifically classical music, is associated with bad sources, therefore we shouldn't be listening to it.

At this point, I don't know what is or isn't true regarding music, I just want to make it clear that as much as you try to block out the 'goyish velt', here it is seeping straight into your home with the chrap called "Jewish Music."Maybe we should only listen to nuggunim. But then again, who is to say even that comes from a good source?

Whatever you do, don't be a hypocrite about it.

Enjoy the video.

The man who had no ears

Once there was a man who lost his ears. He was walking along, when suddenly he fell into an open pothole. As he fell through the hole, both his ears were sliced off his head. Luckily, he was alive, but now he looked very different.

He sued the city and won a settlement of a few million dollars. But what good was the money if his face was deformed?

It came time for him to date and take a wife. He was self conscious about not having any ears, and he wanted to marry someone who would look beyond that. On every date, he asked the girl, "what was the first thing you noticed about me?", ad if she said his ears, he would turn her down.

There was one girl he met whom he really liked, and after a few dates he decided to pop the question. "What was the first thing you noticed about me?" he asked her. She responded, "you wear contact lenses." He was pleasantly surprised and said, yes I wear lenses, but how did you notice that?

"Well, I figured you couldn't wear glasses because you have no ears".

(Here it is appropriate to laugh.)

Now I am going to analyze this story:

1) How could he slice off both ears while falling straight through a hole? If the hole was wide enough for his body to fall through, then it was not tight enough to cut off both ears at the same time.

2) If he won a few million dollars, why didn't he get reconstructive surgery, or better yet, an ear transplant? Then maybe he would look normal and not care what people thought of him.

3) If the last girl did in fact notice that he had no ears, did he marry her anyway?

4) Why would somebody make up a joke like this?

5) What lesson can we learn from this story? Look where you are going? Don't judge people just because they have no ears? Look beyond the physical imperfections?

I'll leave you with these points to ponder.

Happy Chanuka!

Chanuka is not about donuts and latkes. It is not about bake sales, or singing songs in nursing homes. It is not about ice skating, or building menorahs out of cell phones. It is not about parties, or dreidels, or fire on ice.

It is about none of those things, and all of them put together.

To me, Chanuka will always be a festival of lights. My mother explained it to me as a child, when I was trying to understand how we could do muksa stuff on chanuka if it was a holiday. She said, it is not a holiday, it is a festival. There's a difference. It is not a separation from the mundane, it is no different than any other weekday. And yet, it is a world unto itself.

Where's your light? That is the theme of the month in the high school. The month of kislev is full of light. R"CH kislev, Tes kislev, yud tes and chof kislev. And finishing off the month, Chanuka. It is about spreading the light into the physical. Infusing the mundane with spirituality.

The food we eat on chanuka, the parties and the fun activities, those are merely a vessel for the spiritual. There has to be a reason for it, other than just having fun.

Chanuka is a fun time of year. Yesterday it snowed a bit. It is cold outside, but inside it is nice and warm, around the menorah, with family, and presents, always food, and music, dreidel games, and good spirits.

Chanuka has to be about something more. It is about a miracle that we are still living today. It is about pride in being Jewish. Bringing light into the world, being stronger than all the other nations. Being a light unto all the other nations. It is about more than just good food.

A freilechin Chanuka, keep the gelt flowing, and enjoy a donut every night.

Go to Google

It is so interesting how Google changes their image to fit the holiday, or whatever special day it happens to be. It is also very educational. Every time I go to Google I wonder what image will it be today.

Google told me that today is the 55th anniversary of the day that Rosa Parks, an African American woman, refused to get off the bus and give up her seat to a white person. I remember learning about it in history, and how it was told was that she wasn't trying to do anything brave, she was simply tired and didn't feel like standing up. But respect to her.

And what is the image that google uses to display this? A school bus in the background, and little black children and white children running hand in hand. Alas, Martin Luther King Jr. prophecised that this day would come.

I stop and think about it for a minute. Would I defend myself the same way Rosa Parks did? It takes a strong person not to back down in the face of adversity, and to fight their enemies head on.

Here's to world peace, and harmony amongst our neighbors.