!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brain is moving so fast like a whirlpool, like my fingers flying over the keyboard, so much happening, so much to say, but can't think, no time to think, no time to breath, no time to eat. No time, no time...

It's all happening too fast. Getting off the plane, no sleep. Sunday. First day of camp. The baking flopped. I take these things hard. I almost cried, but pulled myself together. Shluchim's motto is, just laugh, it's all ok. I know that, but easier said then done. Me, this is all on me, I don't want to mess up. The stress, the pressure, I feel as if I am in grade school and pressured to get good grades, only, I can only imagine what that's like cuz grades weren't my strong point.

Shluchim keep saying, good job good job, the first day was amazing, and all I can think is ya sure, you probably say that every year no matter how it went.

I feel out of my element here. In a different world. Things move so much faster here and you just gotta keep up. My converse all stars are getting a good work out, they will be worn down by the end of the summer. The building is huge, up and down and around, walky talkies help some, really cool to use, but still. You just keep on moving from the second you wake up, which is early, until you get back from camp and collapse in utter exhaustion, to have to pull yourself together 10 minutes later cuz there is stuff to do for the next day, and then it starts all over again.

And here I'm speaking like I've been in camp for weeks.

I long for the freedom that I had before. The 'me' time, the downtime, to chill, to sleep, or whatever. Now, I feel like I'm being pulled from all sides, I feel like when I talk no one listens, I feel like I need to be in three places at once; I feel like a parent. Wow.

But then I remember how dull my life was before, how I had nothing to do, and how exciting it is now to be a part of something, to have an awesome responsibility, to have the master key to a building and the only driver for our awesome car, and carry a clipboard. It is a big responsibility, yes, but I know I can do it. I know I have it in me, sometimes it's just hard to find when I'm tired, or grumpy, or upset. And I just want to sleep and not get up the next day and not do it all over again, and just fly home and forget it.

That's when I hear a little voice inside my head. Sometimes it's my mother, sometimes my friend, sometimes even me, saying yes you can Altie. Get up, get moving, and do what you know how to do! Oh, and do it well.

I try. Right now my bed is calling, it's late, and that little voice only works after I've had sleep and food.

Good night, and I hope everyone's summer is going well.