Coming out of the closet

I wish it were still so simple, like when I was seven, and it was a non isssue. Back then, it wasn't something you thought about. It never became a group discussion, I didn't even know what the word 'opinion' meant until I was maybe 9.

We used to sing this song. It was in yidish, and it went something like 'Moshiach is already here, just 'efen oyf di egelach' open up your eyes. And then something about polishing your buttons. It always brought to mind an image of a row of soldiers standing pin straight, not moving an inch, with gleaming buttons in maybe gold or silver. It was a feeling, a good feeling. If we did just one more good deed, Moshoach would be here. We were taught a love for Chabad, a love for the Rebbe, a love for yidishkeit.

Then I grew up. Then I became confused. Then they tried to brainwash me, whoever 'they' may be.

I used to sing yechi. But then someone explained to me what it meant, and then I stopped singing it. (I'm not discussing that.)

I never really understood the arguments between the group that called themselves 'meshichist', and the opposite one, called the 'anti-meshichist.' For all intents and purposes, my family is 'neutral', and that's how I wished to remain.

I didn't even realize how bad it was until I visited another high school. I was in the kitchen in the dorm, and this girl says to me, as she's making her scrambled eggs, 'so are you like, a mish, or an anti?' all casual like that. I gave her a strange look and answered, 'I'm neutral.' Which seemed to please her.

I'm confused. Why do people talk about it, as if it's an article of clothing, or as if we are discussing the weather outside? 'Oh ya, it's a sunny day out. And uhu, I heard it's gonna snow.' The same way they say, 'I think the Rebbe is Moshiach, so what do you think? And does your family say yechi?'

What does it really mean?

I don't know. I honestly have no idea. I think this very issue in chabad is what may push people away, make a lot of people confused, and form half or more of all the disputes among us. And why? Because you have different beliefs then your neighbors? Is that a reason not to talk to them, or better yet, not allow your daughter to marry their son?

Last night I was in Manhattan, hanging out with my friends. One of them said 'look!', and there they were. The 'Yellow Flaggers'. You may have heard of them. Or maybe not. They are they chabadnikim, mostly Israelis, who wear yellow flag pins on their lapels, and try to get everyone else to do the same; who wave the yellow flag for all they are worth, in 770, by simchat bais hashueva, in public places, such as Manhattan, on mivtzoyim. You get my drift.

On the one hand, I thought, there are those crazy Israelis. That thought was closely followed by 'they are mine. Those are my people, my brothers, my bocherim!' So we went over to watch them dance.

There was a guy standing next to me, and he said, 'they suck. These guys come here every week, and all they want is money.' But he added, 'and they are the best street performers ever.' Then he gave them money. That made me feel better, but what he said still upset me. Little did he know, I am one of 'them'. He just insulted me, how rude!

Don't ak me what I believe, because sometimes I'm not sure.

I am first and foremost a Jew. I love G-d. Despite what you may think, that is not interdependant on whether or not I follow all his rules.

Next: I am Chabad. I am proud of it. I love the Rebbe. I believe Gimmel Tamuz happened. I hurts me to think about it, and to talk about it. It is confusing, like how can a Rebbe, my Rebbe, leave us? Okay, I know he didn't leave, he is still here, but then, why can't I see him? That is the childish way in which I think. And I refuse to accept it.

I hesitate to say this, because I may very well be stoned for it (I'm only half joking.) I believe the Rebbe is Moshiach. I don't have to explain it. A belief is intrinsic.

You know how you have the right to insult your own family as much as you want, but the second someone else starts saying the very insults you said, you get mad and want to punch them? (Or is that just me?) That is how I feel. I will not say that I know everything for certain. I know I am confused and unsure about some stuff. I know I disagree with some stuff, and with the way that some Lubavitchers go about it.

But watch it buster, because the second you try to insult them, you are insulting ME, and that is a very fine line to cross.

Ok wow. Did I ever say that I hate politics? I hate arguments. Maybe I should just keep my head in the sand, instead of trying to discuss it. Cuz honestly, I don't care to hear what some people have to say. But if you really want to, then go for it.