No more

There is a red headline among all the regular news. Red means danger, important, pay attention to me. So I do. But I don't like what I see. A sea of red, one after the other. And it doesn't stop, even when I shut my eyes. It doesn't go away.

The page is so normal. Engagements that day, mazal tov, chosson classes, morah music, basement for rent, shoe sale, lost cell phone, scroll down, and down. A typical day on the news site of shmais.com.

But this is wrong. Terrorists? Mumbai? Holtzberg, shluchim I never heard of? Why G-d, why?

November 27 2008. I came home the day before from Israel, for my sister's wedding. I had no idea what was going on. Didn't see any news on the way. Nothing. The first I heard about it was when I got home. And then it started.

All the news said say tehillim. But I don't remember saying tehillim. I don't remember much about that day. Just thinking, please let the news be good.

Hoping to hear good news, thats what it said. Cuz a Jew always lives with hope, even when the sword is on your neck. Keep praying, keep giving tzedaka, a Jew doesn't give up hope.

But then the news came. It was all over. They didn't make it. And it became more real. I'm sorry G-d, I'm sorry I didn't pray harder, I'm sorry I didn't give more charity, I'm sorry for so many things, but why couldn't you have saved them? Is that asking for too much??

So much good came out of it- I know.
It brought Jews closer together- I know.
It made us stronger- I know.
Gavi and Rivka would have been happy to see all the hachlatas that were made- I know.
Everything happens for a reason- I know.

And on and on and on.

But can you tell me why a little boy had to be left without parents? Can you tell me why 2 special people had to die while doing the Rebbe's outreach? Can you tell me why G-d, who is so great, couldn't have saved them, when the world prayed so hard for their safety?

You can't. No one can answer those questions besides for G-d Himself. And I ask, yet He remains silent.

And I continue to stare at the page, and all the articles written, preaching of faith, and courage, and the need to go on. But I don't want to go on. I want to go back. I want to do that day over again. I want to watch a video of the Holtzbergs on shlichus, and know that they are safe in their chabad house. I want to erase that day from history. I want to pray until I can't pray anymore, cry until my eyes are dry, and say tehillim like there is no tomorrow. I want another chance. I want to make it go away.

But G-d has spoken. There is no going back.

I don't have anymore questions. They are useless. I want Moshiach. I want them back. I want a day with no more tzaros. No more deaths, no more prison sentences, no more pain, no more suffering. No more tears, no more broken hearts, no more no more no more!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want Moshiach, G-d. Is that too much to ask?