I wanna sit on Santa's knee

I wanna sit on Santa's knee.
I wanna tug his white beard to see if it is real,
I wanna say, hey Santa, this year for Christmas I want an itouch. And a new phone. And a car would be cool. You think you can do that for me? And it's okay if it doesn't fit down the chiminey, just leave it in my driveway. Thanks.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna believe in wishing wells.
I wanna throw a shiny penny in,
watch it sink to the bottom,
make a wish, and believe it'll come true.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna believe in the tooth fairy.
I wanna put all my old teeth under my pillow,
go to sleep, and wake up in the morning with money instead.
I wanna imagine that she builds castles with all the teeth she collects.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna dress up on Halloween, like a ghost or a goblin.
I wanna gut a pumpkin and put it in my front yard.
I wanna go trick-or-treating,
and throw eggs at passing cars.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna sing Christmas carrolls, and sip eggnog by the fireplace.
I wanna put up a tree in my living room,
and adorn my front lawn with colorful lights.
I wanna sing, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I wanna make a turkey for Thanksgiving.
I wanna make stuffing, and cranberry sauce, and wild rice with craisins.
I wanna eat until I can't eat anymore, and there is no room left even for desert.
I wanna get drunk on wine, and fall asleep without doing the dishes.

But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

But Santa will never be Jewish. And boy is he missing out.

I light the Menorah on Chanukah, and get presents and money. And I have my very own Santa. He has a long beard too. He doesn't say 'ho ho ho', but he has a wallet that says, I'm made of money. And he pays my cell phone bill. Dad's are better than Santa any day.

I put a shiny penny in the tzedaka box, instead of letting it sink meaninglessly to the bottom of a well, where someone will no doubt extract it someday, to buy a coffee with it. And hey, I get rewarded for that.

I save my teeth, instead of giving them to the tooth fairy. I think she has enough already, no need to burden her with more. And the concept of getting money for a natural occurance like teeth falling out makes me laugh at the absurdity. She can keep her money, I'll keep my teeth.

I dress up on Purim, give out and recieve baskets filled with all kinds of candy and junkfood, and the good part is, people come to give me, I don't need to go knocking on doors for it. And best of all, we have a commandment to get drunk. What more could a person ask for.

I sing Am yisroal chai, we want Moshiach now, and all kinds of crazy niggunim that make you want to dance. I chop up the tree and put it on top of my sukkah, which gives everything a nice smell. I've never had eggnog, and the thought of drinking raw egg makes me nauseous.

I eat and eat on pesach, and wine and dine, and never stop. I have Turkey whenever I am in the mood, and pumpkin pie too. And Thanksgiving is every day, not just once a year when you are feeling charitable towards G-d, and say grace.

They believe in superstitions like walking under a ladder, seeing a black cat cross the street, and breaking a mirror will bring bad luck. But we have our own bubbe maises, like sit at the corner of  table and you won't get married for seven years, putting out zatar will keep away evil spirits, saying poo poo poo will prevent bad things from happening, and so on.

They will never know the taste of kuggel and gefilte fish, or chollent on Shabbos afternoon. They won't have the sweet taste of learning Torah, or the feeling of satisfaction after breaking a fast. They will never understand all the 613 plus commandments we have, or all the crazy nutty customs we do. They just won't.

I wanna sit on Santa's knee. But I can't, cuz I'm Jewish.

I love being Jewish, it's awesome.