Fear is irrational and stupid.
Tell that to the trillions of people who suffer from stupid and irrational fears. And the list literally goes on and on: The phobia list.
I thought my 'fear' was made up, but apparently it is real: Graphophobia- Fear of writing or handwriting. I don't have a fear of writing so much that I have a fear of sucking, or of ridicule. I just have to write a short story for school. But what if it comes out horrible?
Ah, there's a word for that too:
Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule.
Some are especially noteworthy: Kleptophobia- Fear of stealing.
So like, don't steal.
LOL: Syngenesophobia-
Fear of relatives.
Chaetophobia- Fear of
hair. (Like, even on your head?)
Phalacrophobia-
Fear of becoming bald.
Cenophobia or Centophobia- Fear of new things or ideas. (ME!)
I think if I keep reading and identifying with this list I will become insane.
And there it is: Agateophobia- Fear of insanity.
Cibophobia- Fear of food.(Sitophobia, Sitiophobia) (Do you starve?)
Chirophobia- Fear of
hands.
Macrophobia- Fear of long waits. (Most people, everywhere.)
Hmmmm...
Papaphobia- Fear of the Pope.
Yup, Xenophobia-
Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society.
Sociophobia- Fear of
society or people in general.
Oh so that's what my problem is:
Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
Bromidrosiphobia or
Bromidrophobia- Fear of body smells. (I think we all suffer from that)
Agoraphobia- Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded,
public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.
I searched 'fear of babies'. No such thing.
Made the list: Theophobia- Fear
of gods or religion.
BEST. ONE. EVER:
Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia- Fear of the number
666.
Okay seriously, if you need a laugh check out The List
I need to go to sleep.
Oh no:
Hypnophobia- Fear of sleep or of being hypnotized.
Somniphobia- Fear of sleep.
Noctiphobia- Fear of the night.
Clinophobia- Fear of going to bed.
I could just go on and on.....
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Careers for People-Haters
The article aptly starts off with: "Hi, Hater. That's right - I'm talking to you, the one grimacing at the
idea of having to carry on small talk or sit through departmental
meetings. We get it: You're just not the type of person who likes to
work on a big team or collaborate with coworkers on projects."
In other words, if you hate people and you dread the idea of working closely with others, these 6 career options may be for you.
In other words, if you hate people and you dread the idea of working closely with others, these 6 career options may be for you.
How to help a trader escape
This is why I should write posts when I think of them instead of leaving them sitting as drafts until months later:
"Here's How Snowden Could Escape from Moscow and Exactly Where He Could Go"
So like, thanks for the great plan. I hear that Snowden is living the dream in Russia now.
"Here's How Snowden Could Escape from Moscow and Exactly Where He Could Go"
So like, thanks for the great plan. I hear that Snowden is living the dream in Russia now.
Another great reason for frum guys to grow beards
I can't explain why I find guys with beards attractive. It's just what I'm used to.
When I was 5, my father decided to grow a beard while we were away for the summer and he was in the city working. When he came to pick us up, I didn't recognize him. My mind was telling me that the person I was looking at was my father, but he looked... different.
As a frum Jew who is Lubavitch, I do think that guys should grow full beards.
And apparently there are great benefits that come with it.
When I was 5, my father decided to grow a beard while we were away for the summer and he was in the city working. When he came to pick us up, I didn't recognize him. My mind was telling me that the person I was looking at was my father, but he looked... different.
As a frum Jew who is Lubavitch, I do think that guys should grow full beards.
And apparently there are great benefits that come with it.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Little words, Big talk
The smell of
cold air
in a hug.
The outdoors
clings to you
as you enter.
Pine, green and sharp
taste the chill
on your tongue.
The sweetness
of love
in a homemade cookie.
The smile
of appreciation
for your favorite dish.
A coin holds
the warmth
of my palm.
My wish
for your safety
and contentment.
The sharp slam
of the door closing
behind me.
The sound of
quiet finally,
bittersweet.
A rushed goodbye
as the car
pulls away.
Hope you heard
all the words
I didn't say.
cold air
in a hug.
The outdoors
clings to you
as you enter.
Pine, green and sharp
taste the chill
on your tongue.
The sweetness
of love
in a homemade cookie.
The smile
of appreciation
for your favorite dish.
A coin holds
the warmth
of my palm.
My wish
for your safety
and contentment.
The sharp slam
of the door closing
behind me.
The sound of
quiet finally,
bittersweet.
A rushed goodbye
as the car
pulls away.
Hope you heard
all the words
I didn't say.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Oh, Religion
Tonight I argued that Catholicism trumps Protestant, Galileo Theology, and Jesuits.
The Protestants said that "We" took their money, and prevented them from getting closer to G-d.
Galileo said that his beliefs and discoveries in science did not contradict the church, and that he was still a firm believer in G-d, although the church claimed that his scientific discoveries went against the bible.
The Jesuits, while claiming to support the church, said that they brought education to schools. They had a pretty weak argument.
A guy in my group kept apologizing for what "We" did to the people, claiming that the church is different now, that it does more for the people, and that being that it is the foundation of Christianity and that all these other breakaway religions came after, then ultimately everyone will find their way back.
I tried telling my teacher that I'm Jewish, thinking that would settle the argument. But he told me to go along with it.
At the end of the debate, which was pretty funny and had everyone laughing (Galileo said 'follow me or you will die'), my teacher welcomed us to get out of character and say our true opinions.
So I said to the 'Protestants', you gave a good argument, but what do you really believe in?
Religion is a touchy subject. And while I find it amazing that in a classroom of secular students, most of whom are not Jewish, who come from vastly different backgrounds, countries, and religions, we are discussing G-d. And not just a discussion of 'does G-d exist', but more so, that He does exist, and how religion helps one see that.
I was never very good at arguments. I just wanted to say, "I'm Jewish, we are the Chosen people, there was no big bang, we did not just come to be, we were here from the beginning of time, we will be here until the end of time, and all other religions are bogus".
I did not think anyone would take too well to that.
Oh ya, and Jesus was Jewish, he went to hell and he is never coming back, so there goes your savior.
The Protestants said that "We" took their money, and prevented them from getting closer to G-d.
Galileo said that his beliefs and discoveries in science did not contradict the church, and that he was still a firm believer in G-d, although the church claimed that his scientific discoveries went against the bible.
The Jesuits, while claiming to support the church, said that they brought education to schools. They had a pretty weak argument.
A guy in my group kept apologizing for what "We" did to the people, claiming that the church is different now, that it does more for the people, and that being that it is the foundation of Christianity and that all these other breakaway religions came after, then ultimately everyone will find their way back.
I tried telling my teacher that I'm Jewish, thinking that would settle the argument. But he told me to go along with it.
At the end of the debate, which was pretty funny and had everyone laughing (Galileo said 'follow me or you will die'), my teacher welcomed us to get out of character and say our true opinions.
So I said to the 'Protestants', you gave a good argument, but what do you really believe in?
Religion is a touchy subject. And while I find it amazing that in a classroom of secular students, most of whom are not Jewish, who come from vastly different backgrounds, countries, and religions, we are discussing G-d. And not just a discussion of 'does G-d exist', but more so, that He does exist, and how religion helps one see that.
I was never very good at arguments. I just wanted to say, "I'm Jewish, we are the Chosen people, there was no big bang, we did not just come to be, we were here from the beginning of time, we will be here until the end of time, and all other religions are bogus".
I did not think anyone would take too well to that.
Oh ya, and Jesus was Jewish, he went to hell and he is never coming back, so there goes your savior.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Eat, sleep and party
Boots. It's the season of boots, and I am on the search for the perfect pair. The problem with actually knowing what you want is that it makes it somehow harder to find.
"Hello, boots store, yes I'd like a pair of boots in my size. No, I don't know what style. Not sure what color. Weather? What do you mean weather, it's like colder than Florida but warmer than Alaska..."
I'm looking for leather lace up combat boots, preferably with a side zipper, blue would be nice, they have to have a well-made sole, good reviews, decent price. I saw one I liked but they didn't have it in my size. Now I want them so badly.
Tishrei Guests. I never know how to treat someone elses guests. Should I be overly sweet and helpful, or open the door and then let them do their own thing?
Somehow they annoy me just being here, invading my space. Then I remember that they are a few thousand miles from home, that they barely speak English, that they probably just want some food, and maybe to lay down and sleep.
My brother was in town for a month. It was a pretty nice visit. I wonder if there are Israelis who roll their eyes when they see him and think, 'oy, those Americans, what are they doing here again?' I hope there are some people who are nice to him there.
Vacation. We like to party. We like, we like to party.
We actually don't like to party. 'We', as in me and my universe want to chill. I want to chill from work, I want to chill from school. I want to take a break and let my mind relax. It is kind of funny after having a 3 day yom tov, to feel this tired. But the only problem with having a 3 day yom tov is that no matter how much time you have to sleep, you never do, and when yom tov is over you are wishing that you were given those 3 days to do some work. And then you are back at work and you just want to sleep.
Hello world. My life is pretty boring these days. Every time I say that I don't do something because I'm lazy, my father says that I may be many things, but lazy I am not. I am working full time, and in school full time, and still manage to keep up with all the current tv shows.
Here's the thing, ladies and gents. I'm tired. But not tired as in, go to sleep early one night and you will wake up refreshed. Tired as in, I am on a not so pleasant ride at an amusement park, and I want it to stop but they won't let me off. So you keep going, and going, and wonder if it will ever stop.
I miss writing. Writing like, who cares what anyone thinks, I just had a crazy thought and I must get it down on paper. I miss being honest and unfiltered.
I just saw my niece today, and she was adorable as usual. My brother was watching her, and my sister-in-law was out. My niece was in her playpen, and I just wanted to hold her. So I picked her up, she squirmed out of my arms and started running around the apartment, squeeling, laughing, turning in circles, waving her arms, making noises. I laughed and laughed and said, what are you doing??
Babies have no cares. They don't know that they are acting crazy. Maybe if they knew they would tell us to let go and try it for once. Just throw your head back and laugh uninhibited. Let people stare at you like you are crazy.
There's a party going on down the block, and when I say party I mean an all night long, music blaring, dancing, cotton candy and kids with light up things in their mouths, crowded, noisy, block party for simchas baid hashuava. If you have never been to Crown Heights on Sukkos, then get over here. It goes on until 6 am. Literally.
I want to be there. But I am busy reading a book called 'Shaping of the modern world'. I hate history. We fought,. We won. Let's eat. I am not even registering any of the words. We will have a quiz tomorrow that I will fail, even though technically I read the chapter.
To eat? To sleep? To party?
To work work work your life away?
That is the question.
"Hello, boots store, yes I'd like a pair of boots in my size. No, I don't know what style. Not sure what color. Weather? What do you mean weather, it's like colder than Florida but warmer than Alaska..."
I'm looking for leather lace up combat boots, preferably with a side zipper, blue would be nice, they have to have a well-made sole, good reviews, decent price. I saw one I liked but they didn't have it in my size. Now I want them so badly.
Tishrei Guests. I never know how to treat someone elses guests. Should I be overly sweet and helpful, or open the door and then let them do their own thing?
Somehow they annoy me just being here, invading my space. Then I remember that they are a few thousand miles from home, that they barely speak English, that they probably just want some food, and maybe to lay down and sleep.
My brother was in town for a month. It was a pretty nice visit. I wonder if there are Israelis who roll their eyes when they see him and think, 'oy, those Americans, what are they doing here again?' I hope there are some people who are nice to him there.
Vacation. We like to party. We like, we like to party.
We actually don't like to party. 'We', as in me and my universe want to chill. I want to chill from work, I want to chill from school. I want to take a break and let my mind relax. It is kind of funny after having a 3 day yom tov, to feel this tired. But the only problem with having a 3 day yom tov is that no matter how much time you have to sleep, you never do, and when yom tov is over you are wishing that you were given those 3 days to do some work. And then you are back at work and you just want to sleep.
Hello world. My life is pretty boring these days. Every time I say that I don't do something because I'm lazy, my father says that I may be many things, but lazy I am not. I am working full time, and in school full time, and still manage to keep up with all the current tv shows.
Here's the thing, ladies and gents. I'm tired. But not tired as in, go to sleep early one night and you will wake up refreshed. Tired as in, I am on a not so pleasant ride at an amusement park, and I want it to stop but they won't let me off. So you keep going, and going, and wonder if it will ever stop.
I miss writing. Writing like, who cares what anyone thinks, I just had a crazy thought and I must get it down on paper. I miss being honest and unfiltered.
I just saw my niece today, and she was adorable as usual. My brother was watching her, and my sister-in-law was out. My niece was in her playpen, and I just wanted to hold her. So I picked her up, she squirmed out of my arms and started running around the apartment, squeeling, laughing, turning in circles, waving her arms, making noises. I laughed and laughed and said, what are you doing??
Babies have no cares. They don't know that they are acting crazy. Maybe if they knew they would tell us to let go and try it for once. Just throw your head back and laugh uninhibited. Let people stare at you like you are crazy.
There's a party going on down the block, and when I say party I mean an all night long, music blaring, dancing, cotton candy and kids with light up things in their mouths, crowded, noisy, block party for simchas baid hashuava. If you have never been to Crown Heights on Sukkos, then get over here. It goes on until 6 am. Literally.
I want to be there. But I am busy reading a book called 'Shaping of the modern world'. I hate history. We fought,. We won. Let's eat. I am not even registering any of the words. We will have a quiz tomorrow that I will fail, even though technically I read the chapter.
To eat? To sleep? To party?
To work work work your life away?
That is the question.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Tolling of the Bell
Clock marks the passing of time.
Happy time, and sad time.
Bright time and dark time.
But all the time counting,
and recording.
What are you counting towards,
or counting from?
Where are you rushing to?
Keep checking the clock
as the bell tolls.
Fingers drumming, foot tapping
impatient to leave, to move,
one toll, half on the hour,
two tolls, quarter of the hour,
still two hours to go?
Voice is buzzing at the front of the room,
but you hear nothing, pining to leave.
Dreaming of sun, and summer, and food,
and sleep, and joy, and pleasures.
And no dull boring lecture.
6:30, 7:00, 7:15, 7:30, break time,
extended break, 8:00, 8:15 still going...?
8:19. Wow is this clock slow?
8:20. One whole minute passes as life goes by.
And you want to be anywhere but here.
Head slipping down,
eyes fluttering closed,
clock ticking, time passing,
missing and losing out just wishing
for the bell to toll.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Passions
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever meet a guy who truly gets me.
They say that G-d makes the perfect match for each person, but what if I meet someone who doesn't understand me, and like a petulant child I say, 'no you just don't understand!'.
What if I meet someone who understands me perfectly, and I'm the one who doesn't understand him?
Does one have to like all the same things and have an interest in all the same things as their spouse?
Maybe the important things.
I don't think you can be with someone if you don't fully appreciate their gift, or care about what they care about as they need you to. What if someone paints, and every time they finish a painting that they think is a masterpiece, their spouse says absentmindedly, 'oh honey, that's nice'. That might not work in a relationship.
Should you not go out with someone if you hear that they are passionate about ________ but you have absolutely no interest in that subject/thing?
They say that G-d makes the perfect match for each person, but what if I meet someone who doesn't understand me, and like a petulant child I say, 'no you just don't understand!'.
What if I meet someone who understands me perfectly, and I'm the one who doesn't understand him?
Does one have to like all the same things and have an interest in all the same things as their spouse?
Maybe the important things.
I don't think you can be with someone if you don't fully appreciate their gift, or care about what they care about as they need you to. What if someone paints, and every time they finish a painting that they think is a masterpiece, their spouse says absentmindedly, 'oh honey, that's nice'. That might not work in a relationship.
Should you not go out with someone if you hear that they are passionate about ________ but you have absolutely no interest in that subject/thing?
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Anger
I have a pounding headache and the bathroom is filled with steam. Someone has turned on the hot water and hung a shirt to get out the wrinkles. Great. We now have a sauna in the apartment.
Strike one.
The same person has a very hard time washing dishes. It must take a lot of effort to pick up a sponge and move it around. Said person has left dishes in the sink for a week at a time.
Strike two.
Now I'm pissed. With a headache. In the morning. I hate talking in the morning.
Leave sign in big bold red letters. "Wash your dishes". No exclamation mark, no "Stupid" at the end. That would be overkill.
Said person upon seeing the sign: "Do you think I'm 3?" (Think: What would my mother say? 'No, cuz a 3 year old would wash their dishes before they are asked!')
Instead, say: You made a sauna in the bathroom in the morning when everyone has to use the bathroom. (The two incidents may not be related, but at this point the anger is boiling. Get everything out now.) You leave dishes in the sink for a week! It is not that hard to wash dishes!
Said person goes to their room and slams the door.
(I hate confrontation, especially in the morning. I feel like I am shaking. It is anger? Is it fear? Should I not have said anything?)
I go to my room and shut the door. Hear furious whispering behind the door. Said person is now badmouthing me to a 3rd party. Yay. Real mature.
Angel emboldens me. Normally I try to tiptoe around people and not make a big deal of things even if they bother me. But when I am mad, I say it all. It usually feels really good.
"Oh ya? You are stupid and ugly and I hate you."
"I don't love you and never did."
"You are useless and you should move out."
Do you ever think bad thoughts in your head? Do you ever see a person that you really hate and think, I hate you and I wish you would die? We are told that our thoughts have as much power as our actions, and we should be careful what we think.
But somehow, it is easier to control our actions than to control our thoughts.
So I don't think 'Die stupid girl, die'. Instead I think, move out of the apartment you lazy stupid (bleep bleep bleeeeeeeep) person, you never wash your dishes and you take up so much space and your room is always messy and it smells, and I don't care where you go after that, even if you end up in a garbage heap'
Ya, I'm such a horrible person. And in Aseres yemai teshuva no less.
Sometimes we don't want to apologize or ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes we don't want to write inspirational pieces and say how we can better ourselves.
Sometimes we just want to indulge in the anger, pure and simple.
You annoy me, and I hate you.
Strike one.
The same person has a very hard time washing dishes. It must take a lot of effort to pick up a sponge and move it around. Said person has left dishes in the sink for a week at a time.
Strike two.
Now I'm pissed. With a headache. In the morning. I hate talking in the morning.
Leave sign in big bold red letters. "Wash your dishes". No exclamation mark, no "Stupid" at the end. That would be overkill.
Said person upon seeing the sign: "Do you think I'm 3?" (Think: What would my mother say? 'No, cuz a 3 year old would wash their dishes before they are asked!')
Instead, say: You made a sauna in the bathroom in the morning when everyone has to use the bathroom. (The two incidents may not be related, but at this point the anger is boiling. Get everything out now.) You leave dishes in the sink for a week! It is not that hard to wash dishes!
Said person goes to their room and slams the door.
(I hate confrontation, especially in the morning. I feel like I am shaking. It is anger? Is it fear? Should I not have said anything?)
I go to my room and shut the door. Hear furious whispering behind the door. Said person is now badmouthing me to a 3rd party. Yay. Real mature.
Angel emboldens me. Normally I try to tiptoe around people and not make a big deal of things even if they bother me. But when I am mad, I say it all. It usually feels really good.
"Oh ya? You are stupid and ugly and I hate you."
"I don't love you and never did."
"You are useless and you should move out."
Do you ever think bad thoughts in your head? Do you ever see a person that you really hate and think, I hate you and I wish you would die? We are told that our thoughts have as much power as our actions, and we should be careful what we think.
But somehow, it is easier to control our actions than to control our thoughts.
So I don't think 'Die stupid girl, die'. Instead I think, move out of the apartment you lazy stupid (bleep bleep bleeeeeeeep) person, you never wash your dishes and you take up so much space and your room is always messy and it smells, and I don't care where you go after that, even if you end up in a garbage heap'
Ya, I'm such a horrible person. And in Aseres yemai teshuva no less.
Sometimes we don't want to apologize or ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes we don't want to write inspirational pieces and say how we can better ourselves.
Sometimes we just want to indulge in the anger, pure and simple.
You annoy me, and I hate you.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Stupid, stupid, stupid
We are going to have weekly quizzes to make sure that students do the reading. Like you don't trust us when we say we did the reading. (I didn't do the reading.)
Four questions. Oh wow, I don't know anything.
Make up answer.
Try to sound smart.
Sound dumb instead.
Idea: Write teacher a note saying how you feel about it. (That is the rave these days, embrace your feelings.)
"Dear Professor,
The reading was very long and tedious and I didn't know what to focus on. I do not feel that a four question quiz accurately reflects whether a student did the reading. Maybe it would be better if you gave the questions before class so we could know what to look out for."
(Signed, a brilliant student.)
Voices in my head: Maybe I shouldn't have written the letter. Should I ask for a new paper? Should I rip off the bottom? No, too suspicious. Oh well.
After class, teacher gives a few questions to focus on in the reading for next week's quiz. Oh wow, it's like she read my mind.
Tell her what you feel. (After all, it is better to speak your thoughts then to let them fester.)
Professor, will you give questions every week so we can know what to focus on in the reading? (Make it feel like it was her idea.)
Of course. I did that last week. I wrote down seven questions on the board, in the first class.
(What??? You did??? I have no knowledge of this!)
(Don't totally cave in.) Hmm, it must have slipped my mind.
Leave classroom. Pull out notebook.
Second page:
"Questions to focus on while doing the reading".
And ALL FOUR QUESTIONS FROM THE QUIZ.
Now, not only does she think I'm dumb, but dumbdumbdumbdumb, did you not listen in class dumb, did you not do the reading dumb, do you think you are smarter than me, dumb.
Leave class, thinking stupid, stupid stupid. I will have to apologize so she doesn't fail me prematurely.
Heading home. A girl starts talking to me. "What are you doing after class?"
(What...? Who is she? Do I know her? Is she hitting on me? Is this what it feels like to have a girl hit on me?)
"Um... I'm going home."
No, what did you think of the class?
"Class... um... you're in my class...?" (Think. Do you recognize her? No. What is her name? No idea. She has a nose stud. Is that significant? It may be for next time I see her in class. Like, hey, you're the girl with the nose piercing whom I was so rude to in the street!)
Ya, we are in class together.
"Ohhhh... so sorry, a lot of faces, you know..... Um, I think it's really boring." (Speak your mind. Always say the truth. Then at least you will get some laughs.)
I thought it was just me.
(No, it is never just you. The whole class thinks it's boring, even the students who feign interest. Like, this book is soooooo fascinating! You know they're lying. Who finds history of the English language fascinating?)
Forget to ask her name. Say goodnight and part ways.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Next time, think before you speak/write/say everything that is in your head.
Four questions. Oh wow, I don't know anything.
Make up answer.
Try to sound smart.
Sound dumb instead.
Idea: Write teacher a note saying how you feel about it. (That is the rave these days, embrace your feelings.)
"Dear Professor,
The reading was very long and tedious and I didn't know what to focus on. I do not feel that a four question quiz accurately reflects whether a student did the reading. Maybe it would be better if you gave the questions before class so we could know what to look out for."
(Signed, a brilliant student.)
Voices in my head: Maybe I shouldn't have written the letter. Should I ask for a new paper? Should I rip off the bottom? No, too suspicious. Oh well.
After class, teacher gives a few questions to focus on in the reading for next week's quiz. Oh wow, it's like she read my mind.
Tell her what you feel. (After all, it is better to speak your thoughts then to let them fester.)
Professor, will you give questions every week so we can know what to focus on in the reading? (Make it feel like it was her idea.)
Of course. I did that last week. I wrote down seven questions on the board, in the first class.
(What??? You did??? I have no knowledge of this!)
(Don't totally cave in.) Hmm, it must have slipped my mind.
Leave classroom. Pull out notebook.
Second page:
"Questions to focus on while doing the reading".
And ALL FOUR QUESTIONS FROM THE QUIZ.
Now, not only does she think I'm dumb, but dumbdumbdumbdumb, did you not listen in class dumb, did you not do the reading dumb, do you think you are smarter than me, dumb.
Leave class, thinking stupid, stupid stupid. I will have to apologize so she doesn't fail me prematurely.
Heading home. A girl starts talking to me. "What are you doing after class?"
(What...? Who is she? Do I know her? Is she hitting on me? Is this what it feels like to have a girl hit on me?)
"Um... I'm going home."
No, what did you think of the class?
"Class... um... you're in my class...?" (Think. Do you recognize her? No. What is her name? No idea. She has a nose stud. Is that significant? It may be for next time I see her in class. Like, hey, you're the girl with the nose piercing whom I was so rude to in the street!)
Ya, we are in class together.
"Ohhhh... so sorry, a lot of faces, you know..... Um, I think it's really boring." (Speak your mind. Always say the truth. Then at least you will get some laughs.)
I thought it was just me.
(No, it is never just you. The whole class thinks it's boring, even the students who feign interest. Like, this book is soooooo fascinating! You know they're lying. Who finds history of the English language fascinating?)
Forget to ask her name. Say goodnight and part ways.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Next time, think before you speak/write/say everything that is in your head.
The chase
When I was little a girl called me a mean name, so I got
up and ran around the table chasing her, with no clue what I was going
to do once I caught her.
I had seen all the other kids doing this, saying "I'm going to get you". Perhaps it was all about the chase. I just wanted to be part of it, I wanted to fit in.
I don't think I ever caught her.
Sometimes we say things that hit too close to the truth, like 'Why are you acting so hormonal, are you pregnant?'.
Or, 'If you wife keeps taking trips out of town, people will think you are getting divorced'.
And then we realize how dumb it was to say that, because it doesn't even matter if we hit upon the truth. We just wish that we hadn't uncovered it.
Truth: I hate Fall, because it signifies that Winter is coming, and I hate winter.
Truth: I am hating my new semester and wishing I was not in school.
Truth: Sometimes you are mean to someone not because you dislike them, but because they have no right being around.
People are still wishing, Happy New Year, but it doesn't feel like a fresh new start to me.
If feels like the 'same old same old' repeating itself. I just did this all last year, so can we wrap it up please?
P.S.
My music professor said that horns were used as instruments in Africa long ago. Then he showed us this clip:
The students were laughing, but I thought how great it is that Jews are such a part of society. Plus I'm like, hey I just heard that on Rosh Hashana.
I had seen all the other kids doing this, saying "I'm going to get you". Perhaps it was all about the chase. I just wanted to be part of it, I wanted to fit in.
I don't think I ever caught her.
Sometimes we say things that hit too close to the truth, like 'Why are you acting so hormonal, are you pregnant?'.
Or, 'If you wife keeps taking trips out of town, people will think you are getting divorced'.
And then we realize how dumb it was to say that, because it doesn't even matter if we hit upon the truth. We just wish that we hadn't uncovered it.
Truth: I hate Fall, because it signifies that Winter is coming, and I hate winter.
Truth: I am hating my new semester and wishing I was not in school.
Truth: Sometimes you are mean to someone not because you dislike them, but because they have no right being around.
People are still wishing, Happy New Year, but it doesn't feel like a fresh new start to me.
If feels like the 'same old same old' repeating itself. I just did this all last year, so can we wrap it up please?
P.S.
My music professor said that horns were used as instruments in Africa long ago. Then he showed us this clip:
The students were laughing, but I thought how great it is that Jews are such a part of society. Plus I'm like, hey I just heard that on Rosh Hashana.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Young'uns
Now I'm starting to feel old.
I asked around for someone who does cheap haircuts since I only wanted a trim. A friend recommended a name. The girl comes downstairs, and I mean girl. We started chatting, and she asked how old I am, what seminary I went to, etc. Then she said she was just in seminary two years ago. Which makes her around 20. Wow. It feels weird entrusting my hair to this young girl.
She did a nice job though.
I asked around for someone who does cheap haircuts since I only wanted a trim. A friend recommended a name. The girl comes downstairs, and I mean girl. We started chatting, and she asked how old I am, what seminary I went to, etc. Then she said she was just in seminary two years ago. Which makes her around 20. Wow. It feels weird entrusting my hair to this young girl.
She did a nice job though.
Wet
Dry
Friday, August 30, 2013
Frum and single
It seems to get harder and harder to inject spirituality into my life.
I used to push myself to daven, to learn, to do the things I am supposed to do. Sometimes it came naturally, and sometimes it was hard.
Once I left high school and seminary, I kind of drifted slowly away, not in any negative ways, more just neglectful. But I still had a conscience, and once in awhile I would think about all the things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Every year around the High Holidays I would get this guilty feeling, like I better shape up for the coming year.
And now even that has faded. I went to shluchim for a few years, helping with the kids and the meals, davening, saying tehillim. But this year I decided to go to my parents instead. There won't be a lot of people around, and the thought of a quiet no pressure yom tov sounds appealing.
Any time I mention my guilty feelings, my mother says that I'm doing so many wonderful things and that maybe I should focus on what I am doing rather than what I'm not doing. She may have a point, but that is still not a great mindset to live with.
Jewish life is all about family, and being single makes it harder to feel like a part of it. Sometimes for shabbos meals I stay in and make a small meal in my apartment, and it feels weird to not have a man saying kiddush. When Chanukah rolls around, I can't just go downstairs and listen to my father light the menorah, I have to set it up and do it myself. When Sukkos comes, I have to go over to my brother to borrow his lulov and esrog, or get some kid on the street to lend me his.
All these small little rituals that you take for granted when living in a family environment where things just seem to happen on their own are that much harder when you are single and have to create it for yourself.
It is hard to create an atmosphere that is conducive to being religious when living on your own. I know that may sound like an excuse, but it's true.
That's why I'm gonna marry a Rabbi so he can just lead the household, and all I have to do is show up.
I used to push myself to daven, to learn, to do the things I am supposed to do. Sometimes it came naturally, and sometimes it was hard.
Once I left high school and seminary, I kind of drifted slowly away, not in any negative ways, more just neglectful. But I still had a conscience, and once in awhile I would think about all the things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Every year around the High Holidays I would get this guilty feeling, like I better shape up for the coming year.
And now even that has faded. I went to shluchim for a few years, helping with the kids and the meals, davening, saying tehillim. But this year I decided to go to my parents instead. There won't be a lot of people around, and the thought of a quiet no pressure yom tov sounds appealing.
Any time I mention my guilty feelings, my mother says that I'm doing so many wonderful things and that maybe I should focus on what I am doing rather than what I'm not doing. She may have a point, but that is still not a great mindset to live with.
Jewish life is all about family, and being single makes it harder to feel like a part of it. Sometimes for shabbos meals I stay in and make a small meal in my apartment, and it feels weird to not have a man saying kiddush. When Chanukah rolls around, I can't just go downstairs and listen to my father light the menorah, I have to set it up and do it myself. When Sukkos comes, I have to go over to my brother to borrow his lulov and esrog, or get some kid on the street to lend me his.
All these small little rituals that you take for granted when living in a family environment where things just seem to happen on their own are that much harder when you are single and have to create it for yourself.
It is hard to create an atmosphere that is conducive to being religious when living on your own. I know that may sound like an excuse, but it's true.
That's why I'm gonna marry a Rabbi so he can just lead the household, and all I have to do is show up.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Wedding: Check!
It was nice. The whole family was there. I mostly can't stand my family, but for simchas we all 'make nice'. My brothers even let me take pictures with them. One brother came in from Israel, another from Florida, married sister trooped in with all her three kids.
My little brother about whom I used to say 'hate', yes, I hated him, he put his sweaty face near mine and smiled for a picture with me and my niece. I gave him a friendly punch on the arm, and he lightly punched me back, instead of shoving me like he used to.
I watched my brothers dance, and tried to guess who had the most to drink.
I made my sister the kallah jump rope with me, even though she didn't want to. It was fun, holding my dress, flying in the air, feeling like my feet would never touch the ground.
People came. When there's a simcha, family and friends and neighbors come crawling out of the woodwork, and I look around and realize that there are people who like us. Who knew.
It is hard to focus on my friends, when I feel like there are a million things going on and I don't want to miss a single thing.
The guys had awesome dancing on their side, so naturally I gravitated there to watch.
Someone set off firecrackers right after the chuppa, which was awesome, and then a confetti bomb during the dancing, so it looked like confetti threw up all over the dance floor.
Some guy was rollerblading. I guess anything can be called 'shtick'.
I looked gorgeous, and got many complements.
As the next single girl in line, I got many 'im yirtze Hashem by you's and I smiled and said thank you, amen! I don't know why girls get bothered by it, I genuinely appreciate that there are people out there who are thinking of me, and in my opinion, the more brachos I get, the sooner it will happen.
My feet hurt. Like, hurt. The term 'hobble' took on a whole new meaning when I hobbled to work today. Hopefully the pain will go away.
I got tons of pictures, my nieces looked adorable (!!!!!!!!!!!!!), my sister looked pretty, and she seemed very at ease and relaxed, which is nice.
She posted sheitel pictures already.
My mother and father cried by the kabbalas panim, which made me cry, and my father said "you should have a wonderful life, with lots of cute kids, even cuter than _______'s kids" (my older sister who has three kids.) I told my sister that and she said 'hey!', like how could there possibly be kids cuter than hers. I kind of agree.
My mom keeps saying it's a miracle that my older sister is married. I know it sounds mean when people say things like that, kind of like, oy poor girl it will probably never happen for you.
But it is a miracle, everything Hashem does it technically a miracle, and now I don't have to ask Hashem every day to 'please let my sister get married soon so she will move out of the house and stop annoying me'. Even though I don't live at home anymore, I called dibs on her room. I'm guessing it will already be taken by the time I get to it.
'The guy' seems nice. I don't have much to do with my siblings spouses anyway, so what do I care, as long as my sister is happy and her husband treats her right.
So as they say, 3 down, 3 to go (of marriageable aged children in my family.) C'mon G-d, just a few more and you can take a break.
Baruch Hashem for simchas.
My little brother about whom I used to say 'hate', yes, I hated him, he put his sweaty face near mine and smiled for a picture with me and my niece. I gave him a friendly punch on the arm, and he lightly punched me back, instead of shoving me like he used to.
I watched my brothers dance, and tried to guess who had the most to drink.
I made my sister the kallah jump rope with me, even though she didn't want to. It was fun, holding my dress, flying in the air, feeling like my feet would never touch the ground.
People came. When there's a simcha, family and friends and neighbors come crawling out of the woodwork, and I look around and realize that there are people who like us. Who knew.
It is hard to focus on my friends, when I feel like there are a million things going on and I don't want to miss a single thing.
The guys had awesome dancing on their side, so naturally I gravitated there to watch.
Someone set off firecrackers right after the chuppa, which was awesome, and then a confetti bomb during the dancing, so it looked like confetti threw up all over the dance floor.
Some guy was rollerblading. I guess anything can be called 'shtick'.
I looked gorgeous, and got many complements.
As the next single girl in line, I got many 'im yirtze Hashem by you's and I smiled and said thank you, amen! I don't know why girls get bothered by it, I genuinely appreciate that there are people out there who are thinking of me, and in my opinion, the more brachos I get, the sooner it will happen.
My feet hurt. Like, hurt. The term 'hobble' took on a whole new meaning when I hobbled to work today. Hopefully the pain will go away.
I got tons of pictures, my nieces looked adorable (!!!!!!!!!!!!!), my sister looked pretty, and she seemed very at ease and relaxed, which is nice.
She posted sheitel pictures already.
My mother and father cried by the kabbalas panim, which made me cry, and my father said "you should have a wonderful life, with lots of cute kids, even cuter than _______'s kids" (my older sister who has three kids.) I told my sister that and she said 'hey!', like how could there possibly be kids cuter than hers. I kind of agree.
My mom keeps saying it's a miracle that my older sister is married. I know it sounds mean when people say things like that, kind of like, oy poor girl it will probably never happen for you.
But it is a miracle, everything Hashem does it technically a miracle, and now I don't have to ask Hashem every day to 'please let my sister get married soon so she will move out of the house and stop annoying me'. Even though I don't live at home anymore, I called dibs on her room. I'm guessing it will already be taken by the time I get to it.
'The guy' seems nice. I don't have much to do with my siblings spouses anyway, so what do I care, as long as my sister is happy and her husband treats her right.
So as they say, 3 down, 3 to go (of marriageable aged children in my family.) C'mon G-d, just a few more and you can take a break.
Baruch Hashem for simchas.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Why did the chicken cross the road?
(From the perspective of the chicken)
These damn humans question it all the time. Shut up stupid humans
and stay out of my business. Do I ask you, “Why do humans bark like
dogs? Why do humans touch their lips to another human's lips? Like,
ew. Humans, stop face-sucking other humans.
I crossed the road because- none of your damn business!!! Stop
asking what you call the “Age-old question”, or the next question
will be, “Why did the chicken shoot the human?”
Bam. Now you can't ask THE QUESTION ever again.
Happy chicken.
_______________________________________________________________
(From reporters perspective)
“In other news, the chicken has finally fought back, in what can
only be described as a mental chicken breakdown. As you can see
behind me, a crowd has gathered here to watch the chicken, who seems
to have finally snapped. Chicken squawks of “death to humans” can
be heard, as millions of chickens come out in support of their
brother. The question of “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
has been asked by humans everywhere, since the beginning of time.
Humans just want answers. The chicken wants, in his own words, “To
shut humans up.” The chicken has been taken into custody for
threatening a human with an illegally obtained gun. We will be
closely following this story as it unfolds. Stay tuned for the follow
up story of the chicken's arrest and arraignment. I am Chayanne
McFarlin, ABC News.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
I HATE YOU GMAIL!
After an already crappy horrible day, now gmail is making the new pop-up 'compose window' the default, and you can no longer switch back to the old method. Did I mention I hate change? I hate it! No, I will not get used to it. I'm mad. For a free service, gmail sure is trying to 'improve' a lot. Just leave it the way it is and every is happy.
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
Switch it back!!
Think about it. What if your cleaning lady/live-in maid/mom/picker-upper-person took your favorite comfortable old ratty t-shirt and through it out cuz hey, you can get something newer and better. But you LOVED that t-shirt!
Maybe not the greatest comparison, but people like what is familiar and comfortable.
Oh, change is good, you say?
No it's not!!!
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
I. Hate. You. Gmail.
Die.
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
Switch it back!!
Think about it. What if your cleaning lady/live-in maid/mom/picker-upper-person took your favorite comfortable old ratty t-shirt and through it out cuz hey, you can get something newer and better. But you LOVED that t-shirt!
Maybe not the greatest comparison, but people like what is familiar and comfortable.
Oh, change is good, you say?
No it's not!!!
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
"Temporarily switch back to the old view."
I. Hate. You. Gmail.
Die.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Night-time candy run
"Do you speak Hebrew?" he asks me.
"A little", I respond, thinking, please sir just give me my laffy taffys. My mother's voice is talking in my ear and I have no idea what she is saying. Something about a dress for the wedding...sea-foam green...?
"Yaldah yafa me'od', he says, dangling the laffy taffys in his fingers, and I just want him to put them on the counter so I don't have to take them from his hands. "Yaldah yafa me'od" he repeats, and as I get a creeping feeling in my stomach I try to understand if he is saying a very nice girl or a very pretty girl, and then I wonder why it matters. I realize it is dark out and the store is empty and the man behind the counter is staring at me and asking me what my name is. I give him an awkward thumbs up and thank him for the items that I just paid him for and hastily leave the store, wondering why something that is meant to sound nice gives me a sickening feeling in my stomach, and if there was something I did to signal to him that I was interested, or if I am way overreacting.
In the safety of my room I stare at the laffy taffys and wonder why I even wanted them that badly.
"A little", I respond, thinking, please sir just give me my laffy taffys. My mother's voice is talking in my ear and I have no idea what she is saying. Something about a dress for the wedding...sea-foam green...?
"Yaldah yafa me'od', he says, dangling the laffy taffys in his fingers, and I just want him to put them on the counter so I don't have to take them from his hands. "Yaldah yafa me'od" he repeats, and as I get a creeping feeling in my stomach I try to understand if he is saying a very nice girl or a very pretty girl, and then I wonder why it matters. I realize it is dark out and the store is empty and the man behind the counter is staring at me and asking me what my name is. I give him an awkward thumbs up and thank him for the items that I just paid him for and hastily leave the store, wondering why something that is meant to sound nice gives me a sickening feeling in my stomach, and if there was something I did to signal to him that I was interested, or if I am way overreacting.
In the safety of my room I stare at the laffy taffys and wonder why I even wanted them that badly.
Monday, August 5, 2013
The Price of Silence
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
-Attributed to Mark Twain.
I know, I know I shouldn't respond, but I want to so badly. I want to put someone in their place for once, knock that cocky smile off their face, show them up, say my piece and be done with it. The problem with people is, you can't control them. If I say one comment they must respond. So when will it ever end? "I know you're stupid but what am I?" Oh ya, great comeback.
I was never very good at comebacks. In high school I tried verbal sparring with a classmate and she won every time. You have to be quick, and I'm just not able to be quick and witty at the same time. She tried to teach me, but every time I would retort I sounded like a mad idiot with nothing good to say. In my world, I would say my brilliant response, and people would be speechless as I walk away.
In reality, they respond and it makes me go grrrrrr just shut up already, I want the last word! But people don't shut up. So you must control yourself and NOT say that great comment you thought in your head, unless you are ready for the repercussions.
I know, I know I shouldn't respond, but I want to so badly. I want to put someone in their place for once, knock that cocky smile off their face, show them up, say my piece and be done with it. The problem with people is, you can't control them. If I say one comment they must respond. So when will it ever end? "I know you're stupid but what am I?" Oh ya, great comeback.
I was never very good at comebacks. In high school I tried verbal sparring with a classmate and she won every time. You have to be quick, and I'm just not able to be quick and witty at the same time. She tried to teach me, but every time I would retort I sounded like a mad idiot with nothing good to say. In my world, I would say my brilliant response, and people would be speechless as I walk away.
In reality, they respond and it makes me go grrrrrr just shut up already, I want the last word! But people don't shut up. So you must control yourself and NOT say that great comment you thought in your head, unless you are ready for the repercussions.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
When to tell someone "you suck!"
Why must I go through this torture? They make me read this junk and I have to critique it and say nice things but all I want to say it you suck! This is junk you should never write you will never be a writer this is generic, it is stupid, it makes no sense, how can you call this writing??? It has horrible spelling, grammatical errors, confusing sentence structure.
But then I think, what if someone said that to me? Would it crush my dreams of ever being a writer? What if I was really a horrible writer and I needed someone to awaken me to that?
I know I shouldn't be mean but it is so hard to not be harsh and blunt when I am suffering through every word of what could barely be called writing.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But then I think, what if someone said that to me? Would it crush my dreams of ever being a writer? What if I was really a horrible writer and I needed someone to awaken me to that?
I know I shouldn't be mean but it is so hard to not be harsh and blunt when I am suffering through every word of what could barely be called writing.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Sick Leave
We used to have a sign in my office that said, "I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead." It has since disappeared from the office. I guess that excuse just doesn't fly with my company. Dead or alive, it doesn't matter to us. Come in to work anyway.
I believe the era for "calling in sick" is long gone. I woke up with a bad cold to I texted in sick. How can you convince them in a text that you are sick, without coughing on the phone, making your voice sound hoarser than it is, unable to say your d's or n's properly cuz your nose is stuffed?
Text: "Hey boss, I woke up dizzy and with a really bad cold, I'm not coming today".
What I really mean is: "There's this amaaaaaaazing sale at the mall and I just haaaaaaave to go!".
Boss: "Okay, feel better".
What he really means is: "Liar. We know you are not sick, you don't even sound sick in text."
Well, convincing or not, I was sick. Still sick. Summer cold, I guess. No, really, I am. I even brought my cold medicine to display on my desk today so everyone knows that I am really sick and not faking it. And the medicine tastes disgusting, no way I would fake that.
The worst part about recuperating from a cold is getting my sense of smell back on garbage day.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Beneath Your Beautiful
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful
Would you let me see beneath your perfect
Take it off now girl, take it off now girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight
I saw him on the train, and I surreptitiously checked my reflection in the mirror, fluffed my hair, made sure I looked alright. I watched his reflection in the glass to see if he noticed me. When the crowd cleared from the train, that's when I saw the stick. My heart ached for him, for the colors he would never see, for not knowing how his own face looked, for never seeing beauty in the world. But my heart ached for me too, imagining being with someone who would never truly be able to tell me that he thought I was beautiful.
Am I so selfish, so vein, I thought. Am I so focused on external qualities that I can't appreciate the inner essence of a person? Do I really need someone to tell me every day that they think I look pretty, that I'm attractive and my hair is nice? Doesn't the inside count more? Isn't the compliment that much more sincere when someone tells you how they feel about you without ever being able to see you?
Like many females out there, I've had body image problems my whole life. As a teenager I imagined the countless boys who would look at me and tell me how hot they thought I was, how attractive I was. I didn't want just one boy, I wanted all the boys. I wanted to walk into a room and have heads turn to look at me, and say, damn that girl is hot, I want her to be mine.
Yes, as a frum girl we are brought up and taught all about tznius, how our beauty is on the inside, how we should cover up and hide our beauty from the world and share it only with one special person. Well, telling that to a teenager makes no sense, when all we see glaring at us from the covers of every magazine and every movie and every tv show are drop-dead-makes-your-heart-throb gorgeous models, the kind that guys salivate over, the kind that turns guys into mute blubbering idiots. And all guys want to be with them, and all women hate them but secretly want to BE them.
I thought, maybe, just maybe if I showed a little skin, they would want me. Maybe if I grew out my hair, maybe if I wore more makeup. I went looking for them, and not in the places where frum girls should be. I drank, and thought, this is it. This is fun, this is being alive, this is attractive, look at me, LOOK AT ME!
And they did. And still I felt insecure. They don't want me for me, they want me for my body. For what I could give them. So when does it stop?
Close your eyes and tell me what you see in me. See me without your eyes. Learn me, everything about me, my heart, my soul, my mind. My mind is a beautiful place, and I'll share it with you if you asked.
Would I believe you if you told me you thought I was beautiful?
Would I believe you if you never ever saw my face and you told me I was beautiful?
But sometimes, even those with sight never actually see what is right in front of them.
Would you let me see beneath your perfect
Take it off now girl, take it off now girl
I wanna see inside
Would you let me see beneath your beautiful tonight
I saw him on the train, and I surreptitiously checked my reflection in the mirror, fluffed my hair, made sure I looked alright. I watched his reflection in the glass to see if he noticed me. When the crowd cleared from the train, that's when I saw the stick. My heart ached for him, for the colors he would never see, for not knowing how his own face looked, for never seeing beauty in the world. But my heart ached for me too, imagining being with someone who would never truly be able to tell me that he thought I was beautiful.
Am I so selfish, so vein, I thought. Am I so focused on external qualities that I can't appreciate the inner essence of a person? Do I really need someone to tell me every day that they think I look pretty, that I'm attractive and my hair is nice? Doesn't the inside count more? Isn't the compliment that much more sincere when someone tells you how they feel about you without ever being able to see you?
Like many females out there, I've had body image problems my whole life. As a teenager I imagined the countless boys who would look at me and tell me how hot they thought I was, how attractive I was. I didn't want just one boy, I wanted all the boys. I wanted to walk into a room and have heads turn to look at me, and say, damn that girl is hot, I want her to be mine.
Yes, as a frum girl we are brought up and taught all about tznius, how our beauty is on the inside, how we should cover up and hide our beauty from the world and share it only with one special person. Well, telling that to a teenager makes no sense, when all we see glaring at us from the covers of every magazine and every movie and every tv show are drop-dead-makes-your-heart-throb gorgeous models, the kind that guys salivate over, the kind that turns guys into mute blubbering idiots. And all guys want to be with them, and all women hate them but secretly want to BE them.
I thought, maybe, just maybe if I showed a little skin, they would want me. Maybe if I grew out my hair, maybe if I wore more makeup. I went looking for them, and not in the places where frum girls should be. I drank, and thought, this is it. This is fun, this is being alive, this is attractive, look at me, LOOK AT ME!
And they did. And still I felt insecure. They don't want me for me, they want me for my body. For what I could give them. So when does it stop?
Close your eyes and tell me what you see in me. See me without your eyes. Learn me, everything about me, my heart, my soul, my mind. My mind is a beautiful place, and I'll share it with you if you asked.
Would I believe you if you told me you thought I was beautiful?
Would I believe you if you never ever saw my face and you told me I was beautiful?
But sometimes, even those with sight never actually see what is right in front of them.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Preacher teaching about prayer?
Jesus loving man on the subway kept chanting over and over, "Pray to G-d, don't forget to pray, in the good times and the bad. When you need a job you say, please G-d give me a job, I promise I'll go to church. And then you get a job and you forget all about your promise. Pray to G-d, he wants to hear your voice."
This man sounded like a broken record, he just kept saying the same thing over and over again. I tried to tune him out, but then I listened for a minute, and besides for the part about "the devil giving you your paycheck, which is hell", and many mentions of Jesus in addition to G-d, it sounded lehavdil a lot like something a Jew would say.
Everything we see and hear is for a reason. I need a Christian to tell me to pray? Maybe I do.
This man sounded like a broken record, he just kept saying the same thing over and over again. I tried to tune him out, but then I listened for a minute, and besides for the part about "the devil giving you your paycheck, which is hell", and many mentions of Jesus in addition to G-d, it sounded lehavdil a lot like something a Jew would say.
Everything we see and hear is for a reason. I need a Christian to tell me to pray? Maybe I do.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Why I deserve an A
I got A's in all my other classes.
I'm like, really good at this.
My mom told me I'm brilliant so... that should be good enough for you. Or do you need that in writing?
If I don't get an A it will ruin my GPA. And we don't want that.
A is for awesome and I'm awesome.
Cuz you're the greatest teacher ever, and if I get an A it looks good on you.
I speak a lot in class. (I choose to see that as a good thing. But if you don't like it I'll shut up.)
Everyone else gave me A's....
So, um, what do you think?
I don't know if it's summer getting to me, but I am really lazy right now about school work. I need a break.
I'm like, really good at this.
My mom told me I'm brilliant so... that should be good enough for you. Or do you need that in writing?
If I don't get an A it will ruin my GPA. And we don't want that.
A is for awesome and I'm awesome.
Cuz you're the greatest teacher ever, and if I get an A it looks good on you.
I speak a lot in class. (I choose to see that as a good thing. But if you don't like it I'll shut up.)
Everyone else gave me A's....
So, um, what do you think?
I don't know if it's summer getting to me, but I am really lazy right now about school work. I need a break.
Someone elses shoes
My mother had a rule when we were little. No older kid was allowed to trade or borrow anything from a younger kid, because as kids generally go the younger kid will change their mind right after they say 'suuuure you can have my gameboy if you give me your roller blades.' Some people might try to teach kids about trading and values, but I guess my mother didn't want crying regretful kids on her hands.
You like my gorgeous new heels that I got on sale and only wore once and will probably never wear again? Take them! Pay me half what I paid, I only wore them once! Enjoy them!
Dun dun dun...
2 years later. I miss them. I miss my shoes. There she is. I haven't seen her in 2 years and she is wearing MY shoes. Well, technically they are not mine because I sold them to her. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Yes, I tried to find them again and they are sold out.
Do I want them so badly now that I can't have them? Would they perhaps have sat in my closet for years untouched because they 'kill my feet'?
But oy, they are so perfect.... and they are not mine......
In other worldly exciting news, my sister is engaged. Time to find a new wedding dress, yay....
(In case you are mistaken, that is a sarcastic yay conveying my annoyance and exhaustion and my wish to simply wear sweats and a t-shirt to the wedding. Guys have it so much easier. All suits look the same to me.)
Mazal tov, to many more simchas. (I'd lift my glass if I weren't so tired.)
You like my gorgeous new heels that I got on sale and only wore once and will probably never wear again? Take them! Pay me half what I paid, I only wore them once! Enjoy them!
Dun dun dun...
2 years later. I miss them. I miss my shoes. There she is. I haven't seen her in 2 years and she is wearing MY shoes. Well, technically they are not mine because I sold them to her. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Yes, I tried to find them again and they are sold out.
Do I want them so badly now that I can't have them? Would they perhaps have sat in my closet for years untouched because they 'kill my feet'?
But oy, they are so perfect.... and they are not mine......
In other worldly exciting news, my sister is engaged. Time to find a new wedding dress, yay....
(In case you are mistaken, that is a sarcastic yay conveying my annoyance and exhaustion and my wish to simply wear sweats and a t-shirt to the wedding. Guys have it so much easier. All suits look the same to me.)
Mazal tov, to many more simchas. (I'd lift my glass if I weren't so tired.)
Friday, July 19, 2013
War Paint
An hour and a half. That's how long it took to do my makeup.
Hair took an hour.
Oh to be a girl.
To be a girl getting dressed up for a wedding.
To be a girl getting dressed up for a really close friend's wedding.
Yes, I looked great, thank you for all the compliments.
There is something so sad about taking off a dress at the end of the night. The fun is over, back to work.
Wash off the makeup, take down the hairdo (I counted 40 bobby pins).
Wash out the hair spray (took me about 5 shampoos until my hair started feeling soft again.)
It is funny. We take so many pictures when we get dressed up (because it doesn't happen that often), even though we know we look great. So that later, maybe at a time when we don't feel great, we can pull out the pictures and say, wow, look when I was really hot.
Oh and the heels. My feet must hate me, but daaaaaamn girl!
Hair took an hour.
Oh to be a girl.
To be a girl getting dressed up for a wedding.
To be a girl getting dressed up for a really close friend's wedding.
Yes, I looked great, thank you for all the compliments.
There is something so sad about taking off a dress at the end of the night. The fun is over, back to work.
Wash off the makeup, take down the hairdo (I counted 40 bobby pins).
Wash out the hair spray (took me about 5 shampoos until my hair started feeling soft again.)
It is funny. We take so many pictures when we get dressed up (because it doesn't happen that often), even though we know we look great. So that later, maybe at a time when we don't feel great, we can pull out the pictures and say, wow, look when I was really hot.
Oh and the heels. My feet must hate me, but daaaaaamn girl!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Without Makeup?
"Writer Lauren Shields shunned makeup and stylish clothing and covered hair for nine months as part of a project to reject conventional beauty standards and discover her true self-worth."
As a girl who wears makeup every day, I don't think I would be able to do that. When I leave my house without makeup, my face feels exposed and naked. My eyes look blurry and tired. My lips look colorless.
I know some guys say they want to see a girl naturally without makeup. But I don't see the fairness in that. If this is what makes me feel nice and pretty, why would you ask me to take it off so you can see the "real me"? This is the real me. Someone who cares about their appearance and wants to look and feel good every day.
It was hard to not be able to apply makeup on Tisha Baav. I hope the world forgives my smudged day old eye liner :-P
I thought this article was interesting, especially the part about this woman covering her hair. How much simpler would life be without us constantly worrying about our appearance?
It took me so much quicker to leave the house today without having to put on makeup or do my hair.
Ah, the simple life.
As a girl who wears makeup every day, I don't think I would be able to do that. When I leave my house without makeup, my face feels exposed and naked. My eyes look blurry and tired. My lips look colorless.
I know some guys say they want to see a girl naturally without makeup. But I don't see the fairness in that. If this is what makes me feel nice and pretty, why would you ask me to take it off so you can see the "real me"? This is the real me. Someone who cares about their appearance and wants to look and feel good every day.
It was hard to not be able to apply makeup on Tisha Baav. I hope the world forgives my smudged day old eye liner :-P
I thought this article was interesting, especially the part about this woman covering her hair. How much simpler would life be without us constantly worrying about our appearance?
It took me so much quicker to leave the house today without having to put on makeup or do my hair.
Ah, the simple life.
Monday, July 15, 2013
Blurry vision
"B, D, or is that an O... 4, J, um, I think maybe a D...?"
"How about now? Is it clearer now? This is one, and this is two. Which one is clearer? One? Or two?"
Lady, I don't know. The room is dark, my vision is blurry, and it doesn't help that you need a magnifying glass to see the letters even with normal vision. You're the doctor, aren't you supposed to tell me which one is clearer? What if I get it wrong and you mess up my prescription?
I am now retrying contact lenses. Everything is way too sharp and bright. I have a headache.
Oh the world is a wonderful place when I can see!
"How about now? Is it clearer now? This is one, and this is two. Which one is clearer? One? Or two?"
Lady, I don't know. The room is dark, my vision is blurry, and it doesn't help that you need a magnifying glass to see the letters even with normal vision. You're the doctor, aren't you supposed to tell me which one is clearer? What if I get it wrong and you mess up my prescription?
I am now retrying contact lenses. Everything is way too sharp and bright. I have a headache.
Oh the world is a wonderful place when I can see!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Mirror Mirror
Mirror mirror on the wall...
Am I the prettiest of them all?
Look at me!
Tell me that I'm drop dead gorgeous.
Tell me that I'm hot
that I'm attractive
that I'm thin
that I'm IT.
Tell me that you love me
tell me that you like me
tell me all that I want to hear.
Oh if only we could live without mirrors...
Would you be able to go a day without looking in a mirror?
Are you self-conscious?
Do you feel good all the time?
Do you ever asked someone "Does this dress make me look fat?"
Yes. The answer is always yes.
Why do you feel fat?
Do you think you look fat, or is it all in your head?
Do you want to be thin because thin is 'in'?
Do you feel like the world is judging you?
Oh mirror mirror,
love me, be kind to me.
Ever go to the house of mirrors in an amusement park?
The skinny mirrors make you look great, and the fat mirrors make you horrified.
My mother told me I always look good.
But I don't always feel that I look good.
If you don't feel good about yourself
there is nothing a mirror can do for you.
Try for a day to not look in every storefront glass at your reflection.
Try to feel good from the inside out without needing the world's validation.
My office is surrounded on three sides with mirrors.
Every day is look, see, this way, that, is my hair okay?
If the mirror could talk back to you, what would it say?
No, you look horrible.
Stop looking at me!!!
No seriously, you've been staring at me all day...
It's getting creepy...
Stop smiling this way and that,
Stop showing me your teeth,
Stop sucking in your stomach,
Stop giving me the power to be all and end all.
Stop letting me control your life!!!
Walk away, you're freaking me out.
So says mirrors everywhere.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Where it all began
My coworker enjoys watching court cases. He has the George Zimmerman trial playing all day.
Today they were arguing over who's voice was shouting on the call to the police on "that fateful day". Zimmerman's mother swore is was her son's voice asking for help. Trayvon Martin's mother swore it was her son's voice calling for help.
Only 3 people know what really happened that night, and one of them is dead. The other 'One' is the One who hears all, and sees all. He is the All-Knowing G-d.
And then there's the man on trial.
I wonder how it feels to sit in a courtroom and hear information that may be truths and may be lies, and to not be able to say what really happened that night.
Oh, modern law. You slay me.
Today they were arguing over who's voice was shouting on the call to the police on "that fateful day". Zimmerman's mother swore is was her son's voice asking for help. Trayvon Martin's mother swore it was her son's voice calling for help.
Only 3 people know what really happened that night, and one of them is dead. The other 'One' is the One who hears all, and sees all. He is the All-Knowing G-d.
And then there's the man on trial.
I wonder how it feels to sit in a courtroom and hear information that may be truths and may be lies, and to not be able to say what really happened that night.
Oh, modern law. You slay me.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Sarcastic Me
"So, are you shidduchim?"
"No, please, hold all offers, I have no interest in dating at this time in my life, I am truly enjoying being single."
"So great to see you! Hows life? Are you dating?"
"Yup. Every night a different guy. For no reason as all. Like, cuz they are lining up outside my door."
Hello world. This is my dating rant.
I hate it.
Hateithateithateit.
Like, if I could skip dating and wake up married that would be great.
So, I'll need a bottle of alcohol, and a ticket to Vegas. Who's buying?
People ask such funny questions. I really do appreciate if someone sincerely asks me what kind of guy I'm looking for so they can have me in mind. I am not bothered by the 'Im Yirtze Hashem By you' at friend's lechaims, cuz hey, I can use all the blessings I can get.
But like, "heeeey what's up!! Hows life??? Are you dating? Tell me the gossip! Like, do you have any great dating stories?"
Oh, AND:
"Don't be picky! I have a friend who was so picky and now she's 40 and still single, oy, please, just don't hold out for the perfect guy.
L. O. L.
For real.
Lady, please. Do you know any nice guys for me? Otherwise, take your advice and ****
(I will not throttle her, I will not throttle her....)
In other news, I have vacation coming up this week and still no plans. Any ideas of where to go/ anyone want to join me?
Oh summer, summer, you have barely begun and you are almost over......
"No, please, hold all offers, I have no interest in dating at this time in my life, I am truly enjoying being single."
"So great to see you! Hows life? Are you dating?"
"Yup. Every night a different guy. For no reason as all. Like, cuz they are lining up outside my door."
Hello world. This is my dating rant.
I hate it.
Hateithateithateit.
Like, if I could skip dating and wake up married that would be great.
So, I'll need a bottle of alcohol, and a ticket to Vegas. Who's buying?
People ask such funny questions. I really do appreciate if someone sincerely asks me what kind of guy I'm looking for so they can have me in mind. I am not bothered by the 'Im Yirtze Hashem By you' at friend's lechaims, cuz hey, I can use all the blessings I can get.
But like, "heeeey what's up!! Hows life??? Are you dating? Tell me the gossip! Like, do you have any great dating stories?"
Oh, AND:
"Don't be picky! I have a friend who was so picky and now she's 40 and still single, oy, please, just don't hold out for the perfect guy.
L. O. L.
For real.
Lady, please. Do you know any nice guys for me? Otherwise, take your advice and ****
(I will not throttle her, I will not throttle her....)
In other news, I have vacation coming up this week and still no plans. Any ideas of where to go/ anyone want to join me?
Oh summer, summer, you have barely begun and you are almost over......
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Independence Day. Or: One Man Will Never Be Free Again
Let freedom ring,
let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong,
let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It's Independence Day.
I saw countless versions of the American flag being worn today by patriotic citizens. I wore a blue and white striped dress with red shoes. (Although a coworker made a point of saying that the blue and red were not the right shade so it didn't count.)
Many people have a day off from work, people have BBQ's with their families, go see fireworks, and honor the day that we became this great nation.
Edward Snowden is a wanted man. He is not a free man and may never be truly free again. He believed to be fighting for our freedom. Whether or not he did the right thing, no man should have to feel homeless and stranded at an airport with no where to go. Imagine having your passport revoked and never being able to come back to America again as a free man.
I am grateful and proud to be an American. I thank G-d every day that I was born American (as opposed to, say, a Canadian-ay).
Happy 4th of July!
Unabomber
I hate
change. The Unabomber killed people because he wanted to stop technology from
moving forward. Clearly it didn't work and now he is rotting in some prison for
life. Probably living off of the technology that he tried to destroy.
I somehow get a new
phone once everyone had already upgraded. I seem to be constantly one step
behind in technology, in movies, current trends, politics, fashion, current
events. And instead of rushing to keep up I just want to scream everyone stop!
Stop advancing stop changing stop making new things, just let me get used to
this first!
But nobody
listens to me. And now there are guns made at home by 3d printers and kids who
can operate ipads better than I can and as the world keeps moving into the
future I just want it to stop.
I'm scared
of change but I'm more afraid of being left behind.
Not the
greatest combination.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tear-Stained Hurricane
I can barely write for the wind blowing the pages everywhere,
rain making the ink run, my vision blur.
I'm frozen to this spot and can't move
the exhaustion and the chill seeping into my being.
I love the rain, the wind whipping at my hair,
but it can't stay like this.
I feel alive, crackling with energy,
my umbrella left at home today, my shoes soaking wet.
I wait, I wait until the very last minute,
And then I run for shelter.
I run, my glasses spotted,
I run, my phone getting wet.
I run like a coward,
I run away from the rain.
I run before I know what I'm running from,
and where I'm running to.
I run whether or not I know where I'm going.
rain making the ink run, my vision blur.
I'm frozen to this spot and can't move
the exhaustion and the chill seeping into my being.
I love the rain, the wind whipping at my hair,
but it can't stay like this.
I feel alive, crackling with energy,
my umbrella left at home today, my shoes soaking wet.
I wait, I wait until the very last minute,
And then I run for shelter.
I run, my glasses spotted,
I run, my phone getting wet.
I run like a coward,
I run away from the rain.
I run before I know what I'm running from,
and where I'm running to.
I run whether or not I know where I'm going.
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