It seems to get harder and harder to inject spirituality into my life.
I used to push myself to daven, to learn, to do the things I am supposed to do. Sometimes it came naturally, and sometimes it was hard.
Once I left high school and seminary, I kind of drifted slowly away, not in any negative ways, more just neglectful. But I still had a conscience, and once in awhile I would think about all the things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Every year around the High Holidays I would get this guilty feeling, like I better shape up for the coming year.
And now even that has faded. I went to shluchim for a few years, helping with the kids and the meals, davening, saying tehillim. But this year I decided to go to my parents instead. There won't be a lot of people around, and the thought of a quiet no pressure yom tov sounds appealing.
Any time I mention my guilty feelings, my mother says that I'm doing so many wonderful things and that maybe I should focus on what I am doing rather than what I'm not doing. She may have a point, but that is still not a great mindset to live with.
Jewish life is all about family, and being single makes it harder to feel like a part of it. Sometimes for shabbos meals I stay in and make a small meal in my apartment, and it feels weird to not have a man saying kiddush. When Chanukah rolls around, I can't just go downstairs and listen to my father light the menorah, I have to set it up and do it myself. When Sukkos comes, I have to go over to my brother to borrow his lulov and esrog, or get some kid on the street to lend me his.
All these small little rituals that you take for granted when living in a family environment where things just seem to happen on their own are that much harder when you are single and have to create it for yourself.
It is hard to create an atmosphere that is conducive to being religious when living on your own. I know that may sound like an excuse, but it's true.
That's why I'm gonna marry a Rabbi so he can just lead the household, and all I have to do is show up.
Do you think you'd be more spiritual if you moved back home?
ReplyDeleteEverything you say is true. Judaism is centered around family life, and when you don't have your own family it's so much harder to stay connected. Before you're of marriageable age your place is with your parents, etc. When you are old enough to have your own family, but don't, it's easy to feel like you have no place within frum society. I think even single guys have it easier, because they have the option of tying themselves to yeshiva, or just fulfilling the mitzvos of davening with a minyan and learning daily connects them.
ReplyDeleteI think it's also hard right now to stay spiritual because everything you do only affects you. There is no husband or family to think about what kind of influence your actions are having on them. It's easy to neglect your own ruchniyus when you don't have to think about others. Obviously everything you do now affects your future, but it's harder to live like that.
Hey, nothing stopping you from davening every day or learning some Chumash, maybe Tanya? That's what my mom does. I'm sure that'd help keep you connected. Most guys feel the same way as you. Feeling connected takes effort. You think I WANT to wake up for shachris at 5:30 every morning? And most guys I know don't. Its all about where your priorities lie. You want to feel connected and spiritual. Its all up to you.
DeleteThere's actually this one guy at school who's amazed to see the tfillin marks on my arm every day lol
DeleteYes but 'Some Poems Don't Rhyme' has a point. If you are married and have a spouse and kids then you make a greater effort to be an example or them, to create an atmosphere in the house that is filled with Judaism. When you are single, it feels like, who are you putting on a show for? Yes, nothing is stopping anyone from doing anything, but being part of a family definitely makes it easier with each member supporting the other.
DeleteJudaism isn't about putting on a show, its about doing what hashem wants. If you'd only do the right thing bc people you care about are watching, what does that say about you?
DeleteI wasn't saying it's easier for guys all around. But, at least guys have an option of aligning themselves with a yeshiva. Girls have no such thing. After high school/seminary, we're basically all on our own, bidden to find a way to support our future husband and family. In terms of learning and/or davening, girls do daven and learn (maybe not enough), but its a mitzvah for guys to daven with a minyan and learn Torah. Despite being grateful that we don't have to wake up at dawn to daven with a minyan, I still think it helps guys feel connected. There's a sense of camaraderie or something with your fellow minyan-goers. There's a sense of accomplishment when you learn; you're fulfilling a major mitzvah. Girls don't get that when they learn. Learning for a girl is about becoming familiar with things that are applicable to her rather than just learning for the sake of learning and feeling connected.
DeleteAlso, in terms of "putting on a show," it's not really about that. It's really about what you effecting those around you. When you have a husband and family you're hopefully much more careful about what you do because it affects them, not just you. It's much easier to neglect your own spirituality than letting it affect others you care about.
DeleteTwo points:
ReplyDelete1) I feel the same way about my spirituality. (Okay, I have a good reason to feel that way. But, so do you. And don't say I'm in a different situation, because I do have enough time for ruchniyus, I just don't care enough.)
1a) The fact that you wrote this shows that you care.
2) Why not buy your own lulav and etrog? That's what I did when I was single. And then I took it on mivtzoim with me. (Just buy extra hadassim and aravos.)
:) Thanks.
DeleteI don't have time for mivtzoim.
So buy one for yourself. :) I guess when I was did mivtzoim I was already in Israel - everyone has vacation during Sukkot. I forgot that it's not that way everywhere else. :/ (I don't do mivtzoim anymore, either.)
Delete