Take a chance

I might have won the lottery today. Too bad I didn't buy a ticket.

Life is all about taking chances. If I didn't get out of bed today, I may never have met the man of my dreams, fallen in love, and lived happily ever after.

Or, I would have missed class, and failed the test. Either way, getting out of bed is the first step.
If you don't try, you will definitly not succeed.

Some chances are easier to take then other. They come naturally to us.
Do you ever stop to think about it every time you cross the street, get into a car, fly on a plane? Do you think about the possibility that you might die, that this trip may be your last?
Most people don't. It's as natural as breathing.

When a person walks on a balance beam, there's a big chance that they might fall. But the more practice they have, the less likely it will be. The more chances you take, the easier it becomes.

If you open your heart, and let people in, there's a big chance you will get hurt, and end up regretting it. But there's an equally big chance that you will find love, friendship. That you will gain from it.

With every challange you come to, it's so much easier to shrug your sholdiers, and walk away, instead of approaching it head on, and tackling it. But then where would we be?

Where would we be if Adam didn't take a chance by asking G-d to create Chava? If he stopped to think that she might be a witch, and horrible company, if he knew that eventually she would cause him to sin, and ruin his easy life in heaven, maybe he wouldn't have asked. But then, none of us would be here, there would be no world.

Where would we be if Nachson ben Aminodov didn't walk into the sea, until it split? Perhaps G-d wouldn't have split it, and we would all be dead, or still in Egypt today.

Where would we be if Moshe didn't speak up for us, when we sinned by the golden calf? When G-d wanted to wipe us all out, and start anew, and Moshe defended us.

We wouldn't be here, thats where.

All these people took a chance, a big one. It's not easy to mess with G-d, but they did, for the greater good. And as leaders, it was harder. Everyone was watching them, judging them, following what they did.

Every decision the president makes, he has the responsibility of a whole nation on his hands. When soldiers go out to war, they are taking a chance. Theres a big chance they may never return.
When a mother sends her child off to school, she is taking a big chance letting him out of her sight.

But look at the alternative.

If we never took chances, we'd stay in bed all day, locked in a dark room, living a boring, depressed life. Scared of every noise, and our own shadow. Not a pretty picture.

We only live once. We only get a certain amount of oppertunities, and chances, on this earth.
Every time we go on a ride at the amusement park, theres the chance that it will stop working, and we'll be stuck. But the enjoyment we get from it wins out.

Live on the edge. Be yourself, be crazy, enjoy life. Take chances, embrace change, approach oppertunities with enthusiasm.

Don't let anyone change your mind, or influence your decisions. Don't listen to what everyone tells you, most of them don't know what they're talking about.

In the words of the great poet, Robert Frost, 'two roads diverged in the woods, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that's what made all the difference.'

Jump off the cliff, open your heart, look for good things. Take a chance, and it will take you to good places.

In hindsight...I should have seen it coming

Somehow, it always works like that. If I was able to live life in retrospect, I would do a much better job at it.

If we had some sort of time portal, where you could go back in time and fix things you did wrong, life would be so much easier.

But it doesn't work like that. Yes, it is so easy to look back on a situation and say, I shouldn't have done that, or, if only I did that instead, things would have turned out so differently.

And they may have. If you took a different road then the one you chose, your life may have been drastically different. But you'll never know. You can go your whole life looking back, and saying, what if. But whats the point of living life that way?

G-d blessed us with hindsight, so we could look back, regret our mistakes, and hopefully never do them again. We can not change the past, only make a better future.

He also gave us foresight. You can try your hardest to think before you do, try to make the right decision, so that when you travel down that road, you won't be constantly looking over your sholdier, wishing you took a left instead of a right. Regretting the decisions that you made.

Don't rely on hindsight. Think first.

Lag Ba'omer

Fire dancing, moving, crackling.

Eyes glowing, faces smiling, so happy, excited.

Music. Children dancing, people clapping.

Singing, all of us, voices raised high. Attracting attention, not caring, living in the moment.

Songs that pull at your heartstrings, songs that make you want to dance, to move.

Lag Ba'omer. Feel the excitement in the air.

So many people, watching us, drawing closer, attracted to our flames, our singing, our group. Togetherness.

So many little fires, each its own existance. But together, they become one, merging, forming one big fire, reveling in the moment, celebrating on this happy day.

Arms linked, hands classped, dancing together. Drawing children in, dancing with them, showing them what Lag Ba'omer is all about, how we celebrate properly.

Letting go, being yourself. A certain freedom.

Drummer dude. So many drums, the kids are so excited. So are we.

Tapping to the beat, more music, more dancing, as the light from the fire casts a glow on it all. Surreal.

Roasting marshmellows, potatoes. Kumtzitz. Swaying in the night time breeze, one voice, haunting, slow melodies.

An experiance. Making it last.

Boarding the bus for Meron. 3 hour drive. So tired, yet so hyper, jittery with excitement.

Arriving, 2 am. Darkness. So many people. Confusion. Trying not to get lost.

Holding hands, pushing our way through the crowd. No idea where to go, just follow everyone else.

Up the hill, being pushed along with the flow.

Arriving at the kever, inching our way in. Staying close to the door.

Being pushed from the front, being pushed from behind. It's like a game. Somehow, I became the ball.

Rushing prayers, can't stand here, need to get out.

Push our way out, holding onto eachother, trying not to lose anyone.

Suddenly, I'm stuck. No where to move. It's like a jigsaw puzzle, that no one can solve.

People pushing, trying to get passed, people behind me, trying to get forward.

My feet are moving, but my body is not. I feel like I'm falling, but there is no where to fall to.

It's like being squeshed between two walls, like being flattened in a sandwich maker.

I look up, the only place theres space to move. I can't breath.

I ask G-d for help.

I catch a lady's eye, and we both laugh, because we are all in the same boat. No one can move.

Then, it bursts, like a water baloon. A gap opens, people move, surging, so suddenly.

Trying not to fall, moving with the flow, and we're out!

Watching the men dancing. So powerful, so mesmerising.

Blasting music, singing, so many people.

3 more hours to kill.

Walking around, half asleep. I feel like I'm drunk.

There's a free beer cart, there is that option, but not my style.

We found the 'Moshiach square', where all the Lubavitchers congregate. Yechi playing over and over again on the speakers.

Screaming with the recording, 'we want moshiach now!' So tired, not sure what I'm doing.

Yellow flags. Guys giving out moshiach cards, pictures of the Rebbe on it.

We got stacks, and thats what we did the rest of the night.

Trying to convince people to take them, handing them out to strangers.

Some were happy to oblige.

Others, threw them on the floor, and cursed us out.

It hurt me, it made me so mad.

This is who I am. I am a Jew. I am religious. But most importantly, I am Lubavitch, a follower of the Rebbe.

If you don't agree with it, if you think we are 'christians', or crazy, if you feel like cursing us out, telling me exactly what you think of chabad, fine. Thats your opinion. But don't insult the Rebbe, don't throw him on the floor.

Ironically, they were throwing G-d on the floor too, because there was a tefillat haderech on the back.

So tired, so crowded, so many people.

Dawn. 5 am. The sky turns blue, slowly. The sun breaks over the horrizon. A new day.

Vasikin minyan. Teffilin stands, trying to get people to do a mitzva.

Walking around in my tiredness state, wishing I was more awake, wishing I didn't say half the things I said, and do some of the stuff I did.

Wishing the night wouldn't end.

6 am. Have to find our bus, have to go.

Don't want to leave.

Say goodbye to the moshiach square, to Meron.

Not knowing when, or if I'd ever be back again.

Lag Ba'omer. In Israel. In Meron.

You just had to have been there.
As much as I can tell people about my experiance, so much of it is in my heart.

Emotions, that can't be explained.

Memories, that will remain forever.

As sad as I was that it was over, I realized, it will never be over if you don't forget it.

If you always remember the experiance, if you think about it, make it come alive in your mind.

I'm still reeling from that night.

Trying to figure out if it actually happened, or was just a figment of my imagination.

It was so unreal.

But I hope it happened. I hope I didn't imagine it.

Because I would have missed out on so much,

if I was never really there.

What if it's all a lie?

What if I wake up one day and realize, none of this is true? That I'm not really here, that neither I, nor you, really exist?

What if I open my eyes and see, the world is not really here, that is is all a sham?

What if G-d is sitting up there laughing at us, at the effort we are putting in, when He knows the truth, that it is all just a game, and we are the players.

What if life is one big maze, and there is no exit, no way out?

What is the concept of moshiach is made up, that we are here forever, to live, and die, and exist in this meager place we call a world?

What if every word I am typing right now is not a word at all, that it means nothing, in the big picture?

What if I'm not really here, I just think I am.

What if it is all a lie?

So many questions, and no answers.

My little friend

I made a new friend this Shabbos. He is younger than me by many years, 13, to be exact. He is all of 6 years old, while I am a staggering 19. (Or will be, in two weeks.) Yes, in his presence, I did feel old. But he made me feel special, needed. Sometimes, friendship really is that simple.

He spoke hebrew, like a typical Israseli, and I spoke English, with a little bit of broken hebrew. But we somehow understood each other. Of course, I let him do most of the talking, as children love to be the center of attention. By nodding, and murmering 'mhm', and 'really?' once in a while, I assured him that I was indeed listening to every word he said.

In the begining, he was a little shy. But once he warmed up to me, and learnt how to say my name proprly, (after giggling and mispronouncing it wrong purposely) we hit it off quite nicely. he was so eager to take me around the moshav, show me where the shul was, the playground, his school. I was happy to oblige, which made him more happy, and me more happy in return. It's a whole cycle.

He stuck his cute little hand into my big one, and we were instantly best friends. For a child, it is so easy to love, to befriend. It is so simple for them. If they like you, they tell you so to your face. In my case, he told me he was going to baracade himself by his front door, and never let me leave, and that I would stay in his house forever. I told him that I think my parents might be a little sad, so he reconsidered.

When they don't like you, or think you are mean, for whatever reason, they tell you that too. It is only when they get older that they become self conscious in relationships, uncomfortable with feelings, and such. And it is only later that they realize it isn't nice to say 'I hate you' to someones face, just as it isn't nice to talk about people behind their backs.

But children, they are all cut from the same mold. It is easy to make them happy, it is easy for them to show love, and it is so easy to love them back.

As we strolled down the street, hand in hand, and stared out at the gorgeous view, I told him about New York. I described how there are only 2 trees there, and lots of people. He stared at me in amazement, and asked if we only have houses there. I said, yup, but also some buildings, a few people, and a handfull of cars. He seemed to sympathise, and feel bad that we didn't have the beauty of Israel, and I agreed with him wholeheartedly.

It was an amazing Shabbos. We visited the farm, said hi to the cows and horses, went on a walk, had a picnic outside. I attempted to read him a book in English, and translate it to hebrew, then I switched to reading a hebrew book, which was equally difficult, having no idea what I was saying, or what expression to use.

But throughout it all, seeing his beautiful smile light up his face, made me so happy. I do wish all relationships can be that simple.

But I think only the innocence, and frienship of a child, can melt your heart.

Instant inspiration

You walk into a bakery, and there's a display case, with all the scrumptious looking desserts and pastries they sell. Imediately, two particular delights catch your eye. The first is, the chocolate chip cookies. Soft, and gooey, warm from the oven, they look so good, they make your mouth water. For 5 dollars, you can get a bag full of these goodies. They are easy, on the go, instant pleasure.

The second item is a triple decker, chocolate mousse, creamy creation. It looks so perfect, no one wants to be the first to cut it, to ruin its perfection. This one takes time. You must sit down with it, maybe with a cup of coffee. Eat it slowly, savoring each bite, making it last.

They both look so good. Which one will you choose?

In this day and age, people want things now. They are not willing to wait till later, even if getting it now might mean, compromising on the quality. We live in a world of instant pleasure. Zap a dinner in the microwave, grab a cereal bar on the go. Faster faster, life is so short, there's no time for anything.

If we were able to, we'd tell the teachers, don't prepare lessons anymore. Don't teach it properly, how it should be taught. How about squeezing a semesters worth of lessons into one week? Just shorten everything, stuff it into our brains, so we can have more free time.

A man came to Hillel, the sage, and asked to be taught the whole Torah while standing on one foot. It's not possible. There are great Rabbis who spend their whole life studying Torah, and still haven't learned all of it. When something has quality, you need to take time on it, break it apart, analize it, contemplate it. Otherwise, you ruin it, by trying to learn it in one sitting.

Which is more worth it? Instant inspiration? Cut everything down into one paragraph, one sentence, because I have no time to read a long drasha? Or doing it properly, taking some time out of your busy life, actually learning something, and getting inspired.

You tell me.

Shabbaton in Tsfat

As I'm writing this, my face is burnt, soon to be peeling. It hurts every time I scrunch my nose. I always forget to put on sunscreen, which is usually fine, but can be a problem if you are going to spend a lot of time out in the hot Tsfat sun.

The sun was so strong, a fiery ball high up in the sky. It was so perfect, I wanted to reach up and grab it, hold it in the palm of my hand.

I always say I don't 'do' hikes. But I did this one. The weather was gorgeous, the view was stunning, and the hike was not bad at all. We went from the mountains of canaan, to Rosh Pina. It was more like walking through a field, then climbing any mountain. There were lots of cows along the way. I stopped to say hi, and give the my number, until my friend reminded me that they are israeli, and probably only spoke hebrew. Oh well.

We wet to Amuka, where a holy person, Yonatan ben Uziel, is burried. Among the many things people come to daven for, it is known that praying at his grave is a segulah for a shidduch. You circle the roof seven times while saying Ana B'koach. I tried it, and who knows, maybe it'll work.

We showed up from the hike, hot and sweaty, and tired, to be greeted by 250 girls from other seminaries in Israel. It was like a camp reunion all over again. Except we stood out, in t-shirts and sneakers, while everyone else was in blouses and skirts, looking like the perfect put together sem girls. What an entrance. Shrieking, laughter, and hugging filled the halls of the main dining room. We were girls, and we hadn't seen each other in...about 2 weeks. Typical. And our shabbaton had begun.

Friday we woke up early. The host seminary had a packed program planned, but my friends and I ditched, and went out on our own to explore. I always say that the most fun is spontaneous.

We found the 'midrachov', the main center of Tsfat. A quant cobblestone street filled with shops, and resteraunts. It was busy, and packed, on this friday afternoon, everyone shopping, and getting ready for shabbos.

We made our way down to where the old part is. It was like stepping back in time. The street is so narrow, the houses are old, and a lot of the original structure of the house is intact. Little boys, and old men, in long peyos and black coats walked by. They glanced at us like we were the strange ones. I guess in their world we were out of place.

Next we went to the old cemetary. On the way, we stopped at an overpass, where theres a fence, and a gorgeous view of the mountains, valleys, sun and sky. I stood on the ledge by the railing, leaned back with my eyes closed, and breathed in deeply. It was so peaceful, a soft wind blowing. I felt at one with nature, serene.

We davened at kivrai Tzaddikim, prayed for anything and everything. I was kind of sad, being in a cemetary, among the dead. I felt bad that they had to live in the ground, while I walked around free. Though some of the graves were really cool.

Returning to the seminary, hectic rush to get ready for shabbos, line for the showers, last one, no hot water. Applying makeup 5 minutes before candle lighting, getting dressed, hair dripping wet, running to go light. Two minutes left. A crush of girls all trying to get near the candles, can't reach the tzeddaka box, put in some pennies, light my candle, watch the wick catch fire, get pushed to the side, cover my eyes, talk to G-d, say the blessing, take a deap breath- and its shabbos at last.

Sitting outside watching the sunset, I felt at peace. It was shabbos in holy tsfat, and all was ok. The sun sank so fast, it was there one second, and the next time I looked, it was gone, hiding behind the mountains, begining to rise in another part of the world.

Joining the other girls for a program, davening together, lecha dodi, welcoming shabbos. Making our way to the dining room, where a crowd of 300 girls were trying to squuuuesh into one small room. But if theres room in the heart, theres room at the table. We all fit, though it was clausteraphobic. The food was good and plantyful. And there was chicken soup. I think it's not shabbos with out chicken soup. There were inspiring divrei Torah, and each of the 4 rabbis there spoke. All in all, it was a nice meal.

Afterwards there was a farbrengin with the rabbis, but I had my own mini farbrengin with my friends. More close and personal. And the greatest thoughts come late at night, when you are tired and in need of sleep.

Shabbos day was hot. Once it started, it just didn't stop. I woke up early, and there was so much happening, that I decided to just store it all, and think about it later. We had breakfast and a shiur, davening, our meal. Rest hour, we went back to the old city, got lost, found our way. It was so weird, but nice to see the same streets that were so busy and full on friday, now quiet and empty. The spirit of shabbos. We tried asking some kids to use their mini bikes, but they claimed we would break them. Then we asked a little girl to borrow her ball, my friend stood in the street playing the game, 'A my name is'... as the little girls watched on in amazement, wondering what this weird american girl was doing. Our walk finished off with a hike up the road, the streets are all hills there. We tried running up the street, but almost collapsed after 10 seconds. My friend wanted to climb up the rocks, but didn't get very far.

Back at the sem, we had shalosh seudas, a game for pirkai avos, mincha, and seder niggunim, till the end of shabbos. 300 girls singing together, the age old melodies, was a beautiful way to end shabbos. We said goodbye to shabbos, a bit sad. Daven maariv, sefira, havdala, smashed together in the dining room. Back to our rooms, pack up and change for the banquet. An amazing MC, my dear friend. A nice program, with a speaker all the way from Italy. A video prensentation, and to end it off, a group picture with all 300 girls. 1 am, our bus was waiting, impatiantly, as we all hugged our friends, and said goodbye. I didn't want to leave, didn't want to get on the bus, but the driver threatened to leave without me, and being israeli, I knew he would do just that. So I got on the bus, and the shabbaton was over.

I'm still feeling things from shabbos, reliving the experiance, and trying to grow and change from it. There was a lot to internalize in just 3 short days. It was hard to say goodbye to all my friends, and the gorgeous Tsfat mountains. I would have loved to wake up to that view every morning. It was hard to return to sem, and regular life. The shabbaton was an escape, an oasis, and now it was time to go back. But all good things must come to an end. I only hope that I changed from the experiance, in some small way, and that it will have an impact on my life.

And I know that the experiance will live on, and stay with me forever.

You are what you wear

The first thought that popped into my head when I saw him was, I wonder how long it took him to do his hair this morning. It looked like a porcupine, each spike so carefully in place. If you told me he stuck his finger in a socket, and got electricuted, I would've believed you. My hands itched to touch it, and see if it was as prickly as it looked. But I don't think he would have appreciated that.

I have no idea what kind of thoughts were going through his head, or how he was feeling. I didn't know his name, or what he ate for breakfast that morning. I knew absolutly nothing about him, except one very obvious thing- he spent a lot of time on his hair that morning.

This can be telling me that he cares a lot about his appearance, that he's vain, that he likes spiked hair. Maybe I'm wrong, but those were the obvious conclusions that I came to.

We are all very similar on the inside, our internal organs. We all have a brain, a heart, kidneys, liver, the same limbs. Our thoughts and our feelings are very different, but everything else inside is pretty much the same. If we all walked around naked, we would all be equal, on some level. But G-d made the concept of clothing, of outer appearances. That is what makes us different, unique.

Everyone has different styles of clothing, diffrent ways of wearing our hair and make up, we all like different accessories. No two people look the same. If we took the inner, and outer appearances, and weighed them by importance, the external shell would definitly be worth more, because that is all the world sees.

If you knew that today, you were meeting the queen of England, and you had just one chance to make a good impression on her, wouldn't you take care how you dressed that day?

The world sees what you show them. If you sit in your room and lock the door, and you dress up in jeans and a leather jacket, and sing along to your favorite band, no one will ever know that you like to sing, or dress like that, unless you parade outside.

Every morning when you wake up, you are making a big decision. How do I want the world to see me when I step out my door? Will I wear a suit and tie to work, aqnd look like a presentable bussinessman? Will I walk out in a roab and tichel, or put on a skirt and pantyhose? Do I care what people think of me, or how they see me?

A lot of people have bad dreams in which they show up to school in pejamas. It is an embarrasing experiance, because it is not publicly acceptable to walk outside in pj's. If you knew that today you would be strip searched at the airport, you might wear your pretty undergraments. But luckily we only have to worry about our outer clothing.

Imagine that every morning there is a big billboard for all to see, with a picture of you as you walked out the door. You had no idea a picture was taken of you. Now the world will see that you are frowning, you are wearing a sweatshirt and sneakers, no makeup, your hair is in a messy bun, and you are gulping down a bowl of cereal and milk as you walk down the steps. Now we can conclude that: you are in a bad mood, you are in a rush this morning, maybe you woke up late, and you don't seem to care what you look like, because you are dressed like a shlump.

The world will not know that you are heading to your lab, that you are a research scientist, and you are about to discover a cure for cancer. All we know is what we see, what you choose to show.

Though it might be wrong, the world judges by appearances. A famous musician once too part in an experiment. He sat in the subway station, dressed in rags, looking like a beggar for the world to see. He played on his violin, a beautiful melody that he composed, and he watched as one by one people passed him, without a glance, not recognizing him in his beggar get-up. Some random people threw him coins, others hurried pass with no backwards glance. All because he carefully chose what to wear that morning.

Before you step out your door every morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself, what is my message that I am trying to relay to the world, and does my appearance reflect that?

If you want the world to know that you don't care about your body, and you are there for anyone to take, and you are dressed in a tight t-shirt, and mini skirt, then pat yourself on the back, and walk out the door. because you have accomplished your goal.

If I want the word to know that I am a good aidel Jewish girl, that I try hard every day to do what G-d wants, that I am not perfect but striving to be, and I am dressed appropriately, in tznius attractive clothing, then hopefully the world will get what I am trying to say.

With everything you wear, you are making a statement, you are communicating a message to the world, to everyone who will see you that day.

So make sure to dress the part, because we don't want anyone getting the wrong message.

Prayer and confusion

It is so quiet as I stand here,
confused, unsure, out of place.
I feel like I don't belong here,
So why have I come?

On this hot day,
when I could be doing anything,
touring, shopping, hanging out with friends,
I chose to come here, and stand in silent prayer.

People have dreamed of this all their lives.
To come to Eretz Yisroel, and pray at graves of holy tzaddikim.
But here I stand, not sure why I've come,
with nothing to say.

Prayer. It is something I do every day, more than once.
In hebrew, from a siddur, or words straight from my heart, to G-d's ears.
I don't know if G-d listens, but I know He hears.
I don't know if He cares, but I try.

A holy man, passed on long ago, burried here.
Be the wings for my prayers,
be the envalope for my letter,
put in a good word for me up there with G-d.

But I feel selfish.
What have I done for you, to merit your help?
You don't know me. I am a nameless soul, a living being.
I stand out in this graveyard, where all are dead, and I am alive.

So why do I come?
Because people have told me to,
Because it is a good thing to do.
Because it is a custom passed down through the ages.
Except these are not reasons, they are explanations.

I don't know why I come. And as I mumble chapters of tehillim,
and pray for health, shidduchim, parnassa, happiness, safety,
and all the other things I ask for,
I ask G-d to help me make sense of it all.

It makes no sense to me, but I pray.
It makes no sense to me, but I come.
I makes no sense to me,
but I hope that one day, it will all become clear.

And someday soon, I will not need to stand in a graveyard and pray.
There will be no graveyards.
I will not stand out as a living being amongst the dead,
because very soon, with G-d's help, they will be dead no more.

Licensed to kill

We are all potential killers.

The world is made up of a few things. A solid foundation, a lot of confusion and uncertainty, some truth, lots of opinions, trial and error. But mainly, the world is made up of potential. Anything can happen. The choice is half up to us, and half up to G-d. There is a 50-50 chance every time you make a decision.

G-d gave us free choice, but He also knows the outcome. How does that work? G-d is not an entity, He does not exist, live. He is past, present, and future all in one. He is above the physical, and detached from the world. Even though He ultimitly knows the outcome, we have the potential to change it.

A baby is born into the world a selfish being. They eat, sleep, and cry all day long. They are a taker, they don't have the ability to give back. They have survivel instincts, and are dependant on other people.

A baby is the epitome of pure. We are all born with a clean slate. A baby has tremendous potential. He might become a brilliant rocket scientist one day, and make amazing discoveries. Or he might live on a park bench, and beg for charity. His future depends on a lot of things. The family he was born into, the talents G-d gave him, but what he will choose to do with those talents is entirly up to him. There are no excuss you can bring for why you didn't reach your full potential. You can blame your circumstances, you can blame the world, but it is entirely your fault.

In tanya, the Alter Rebbe writes, before a baby comes down into this world, "he must swear to be a tzaddik, and not to be a rasha." If so, why are there evil people in this world? Why are we not all tzaddikim? After all, we swore to G-d, and a promise to G-d is unbreakable.

The answer, in short, is that we all do have the ability to become a tzaddik. Potentially, we can all reach that level. The long answer is, learn tanya and you might actually get there.

Life is all about breaking your nature. In the same place it tells us to be a tzaddik, it also says, 'don't be a rasha.' G-d is giving us an out. If you can't become a tzaddik, the least you can do is not become a rasha. Go against your natural instincts to sin, and be a better person.

We have a perfect example in our history. Avraham our forefather was born into a family of idol worshipers. His father served idols. According to the natural course of things, Avraham too should have been an idol worshiper. But he broke his nature. At the age of three, he destroyed his fathers idols, and found G-d. Though that is a very extreme example.

A baby was born to a poor family,ad both parents died when he was very young. He lived on the streets and raised himself. He grew up, got a job, put himself through school, got married, and turned out to be a decent person.

How was that possible? He was doomed to a life of a child delinquent from the moment he was born. But he didn't let nature take over. He took control.

A child born to an abusive family gets married and never raises his hand to his children. A poor boy goes on to become a millionaire. A kid from a dull family becomes a brilliant phillosopher. Every day there are people breaking the odds, and becoming someone that nobody expected them to become.

Every day we are breaking our nature. When a person picks up a gun and decides to shoot someone, we say there is something wrong in his brain. Something snapped, or went out of place. But what if it is in his make up to kill, and his whole life he was holding himself back? What if by killing another individuel, he is being true to himself and his will?

If a child is constantly told that he is bad, then he will unltimitly do bad things, free of guilt, and claim that he is living up to his nature. because that's what was expected of him. If a child is taught that he can accomplish anything if he just tried, then that is probably what he will do. But on the other hand, if the child tells himself, I will propve everyone wrong, then the so called 'bad' child may turn out to be good, and the second child may be lazy, and not accomplish anything.

Every Jew posesses two souls- an animal soul, and a G-dly soul. We are born only with an animal soul, which caters to our physical needs and desires. Our G-dly sould we get later on, at the age of bar or bat mitzva. If so, it is easy to blame G-d, or circumstance, for our mistakes. After all, we didn't even have the ability to do good until much later on in life.

A killer will tell G-d, you put it in my nature to kill. You put the gun in my hands. So I am not responsible for my actions. But we all know tis isn't true.

If a child says, I only hit him because he bothered me, so it's all his fault, we punish him anyway, because he is responsible for his actions.

We are naturally selfish people. It's a quality that carried over from childhood, and we are constantly fighting it. A child doesn't want to share his snack, but is told he must. A kid doesn't want to be in a group with a certain child, for the simple reason that he doesn't like him. teenagers hurt eachother all the time with stupid gossip, cliques, groups, secrets.

Someone says a mean thing to me. I feel like cursing her out, and returning with an insult. But it is the right thing, and sociably accepted thing, to keep quiet, and not respond. By not responding, I am going against my nature.

A miser hoardes his money and doesn't want to give even a penny away. The one time, that he gives one penny to one person, he is breaking his nature.

That's what G-d wants from us. He doesn't demand a lot from us. He just asks you to go against your natural instincts. Be a tzaddik, and don't be a rasha. We have so much potential, and the choice is in your hands.

If G-d puts a gun in your hand, and your worst enemy is tied up in front of you, and all you have to do is pull the trigger- put the gun down and walk away.

Don't give in to whim or will. Rise above it, be a better person. Go against your nature.

Communication

I just couldn't sit still. I felt like a live wire, energy coursing through me. I wanted to jump on a trampoline. I could probably have run a marathon. I definitly didn't want to be sitting in class. But there I was.

They were all quiet, taking notes, or listening. I was trying to figure out if I was the only one not paying attention, when I noticed some girls sleeping, doing puzzles, talking. So that was their way of dealing with it. I got up and walked out. I needed to be moving. I just got back from my trip, and jet lag was setting in.

She was sleeping. I sat there staring at her, willing her to wake up. But my thought waves passed right over her, and she continued sleeping, peacefully. I drummed my fingers. I fidgeted. I made some noise, hoping it would wake her up, 'by accident'. But she slept through it all.

How can you sleep now, I thought. I'm so bored. I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. Wake up and keep me company! But she slept on.

Don't you know I'm bored? How can you sleep when I'm not even tired?

When I'm going through an emotional crises, how come you don't feel my pain?
When I am happy, how come you don't shriek with me?

When I am down in the dumps, why aren't you right down there with me?

When I am hungry, why isn't everyone eating?

When I am dieting, why aren't you all starving?

Why are we having class now, when I am bored, and don't want to listen?

Why can't we do the things I want, when I want, how I want?

Why doesn't the world revolve around Altie?

These are feelings and thoughts that every human being feels at one point or another. A selfish urge, a yearning, to have the whole world reflect on your feelings.

When I am in a bad mood, I am mad at the sun for shining. When I laugh out of happiness, I wonder why G-d caused it to rain and thunder. Why doesn't the world pick up on my feelings, know what I want, and how to react?

When someone asks me how I'm feeling, how comw they don't just know?

I wish my brain was transparent, and if someone really wanted, they could just take a peak into my head, to see what I am thinking, instead of asking me to explain myself. But I always say, they'd probably be scared off by my thoughts.

I always wondered how those mood rings are supposed to work, or if they are even accurate. Imagine just showing someone your finger, without having to say a word, and they would know how you were feeling.

But alas, that is not how the world works.

When I am happy, when you are sad,
or sad while you are happy.

When I am hungry, when you are full,

or full while you are hungry.

When I am jumpy, when you are tired,

or tired, while you are wide awake.

When I am bored while you are busy,

or busy when you are bored.

When I can't be bothered to go to class,

or want to stay at home with a book,

When you are dressed up to go out,

while I am curled up in bed with hot cocoa.

We are two different people, and we will not always feel the same things, or behave the same way, even while going through the same situation. We will react differently, and have to deal accordingly. And yes, though it may bother me that you don't feel the same way I do, all the time, it is something I have to deal with.

If you want someone to know how you feel, you have to verbalize it. It's not easy, especially if you have problems communicating your feelings. But it is more worth it to tell someone that you are upset with them, then to shoot them daggers the whole day, and have them wondering what is wrong with you, and why you are so upset. Speak up, don't keep quiet.

And no, the world does not revolve around you. You are just a mere spec of dust in the grand scheme of things. As nice as it would be to have everyone feeling the same way you do, all the time, it is not going to happen.

I am a part of the world, and the world is a part of me. But we are separate entities, we are not one. Communication is the key.

Dare to smile

She didn't speak English. I didn't speak spanish. But we were able to communicate. We shared a common language- A smile.

I dropped something on the floor. She picked it up and handed it to me. I mumbled thank you, in English. I don't know if she understood, but she smiled at me. I'm guessing she said you're welcome. I smiled back at her.

Someone bumped into me, and apologized. I smiled, signaling that it was ok, I was not bothered by it. There were no words involved, just two sets of lips curling at the edges. And yet, so much was said, in that silent communication.

The term 'sinister smile' seems to me to be an oxymoron. But it's not. A smile, just like all the other things G-d gave us, can be expressed in many ways.

It can be forced, or fake. Or it can come from a place of true inner joy, and pass on a message to another person. Theres so much to be understood from a smile, if you learn how to read it.

I was in the store the other day, and I smiled at a stranger as I passed her in the isle. She raised her eyebrows at me, and gave me a strange look. If I had a peak into her brain, I bet her thoughts would look like this:

'Do I know her? Did we meet somewhere, and I forgot? Is she mistaking me for someone else? Or is she just crazy, weird? Ya, probably the last one.'
And then she would go on her way, after coming to this conclusion.

It is a very sad day when you are deemed a crazy person for simply smiling at someone.

But you know what? I think the world could use some more crazy people around.

So go ahead- dare to smile.

The choice is mine

I am leaving, again. I feel like I live life on the go, like I'm constantly moving. In the past 5 years, I've been home for a total of 12 months, in all. It is my choice, yes, but it is not easy.

I wish I could skip a few years, and move on to the next stage. Just be married already, settle down, know where I'm going in life, and stay in one place for awhile.

Everyone tells me to live my life, enjoy it, don't rush it. They say these are the best years of my life, I'm free, I can be selfish, focus on myself, travel, discover the world.

And I know they are right. I'm in Israel for the year. This is my chance to live it up, make memories, learn, and grow. I should enjoy this stage of life, and not try to jump into the next one. Take it slowly, savor it, and don't rush my life by.

I don't feel like going back. I'm home, I'm on vacation, I can do whatever I want, and answer to no one. (Besides G-d) In school, you have to follow rules. You have to go to class, not break curfew, not go places you're not allowed to. Ok, I'm not saying I actually follow the rules, but there are rules in place. Though I see them more as suggestions.

But I'm going back anyway. I have nothing to do at home. I'll be bored, and waste my time. I want to see my friends, I want to get back into schedule, and I want to finish up what I started.

I'm getting on that plane tomorrow. The way I see it is, I can aproach it in one of two ways. I can hang my head, drag my feet, and whine to who ever will listen that I don't want to go.

Or, I can be happy about it, excited, look forward to opportunities. Make the best of it, enjoy the last two months, and make it an experiance worth remembering.

The choice is mine. Life is full of choices. We are taught, coached, prepared, and molded, so that one day we can be set free, and hopefully make good decisions, and make the people who raised us proud.

I might cry tomorrow. I might be nervous about traveling. I might have a lot of emotions going through me. But I hope that when it comes down to it, I will try to make the right choice, to make myself proud.

And in 10 years from now, I will use this story on my children, as an example of choices, and hopefully they will learn from it, and have the strength to make the right decisions in life.

I think, therefore I am

For awhile, I tried looking for the 'off' switch. There were just too many thoughts flying around in my head, and I wished I could just turn them off, for the time being. Just stop thinking, and live in blissful silence.

The average person has around 60,000 thoughts a day. And that's just the thoughts on their own, not where it takes you, the conversations, disscussions, doubts, and decisions that stems from those thoughts. In short, a person is constantly thinking, even in his sleep. Who needs that? I think it's too taxing on my brain. So I wished I could escape to a sunny little island somewhere, where no one, and nothing could bother me, and I could just relax, without THINKING.

But I thought about it, (no pun intended) and I realized, every thought that I have makes me who I am, a unique individual, different from every other human on this earth. That being so, why would I want to stop thinking? Imagine if we all had the same thoughts. If we were all programed the same way, had the same emotions, took the same actions. The world would be a boring place.

I read a short story, where the governmant programmed each person, so they would all think alike, and not have any individual thought. The second a unique thought entered their mind, a loud screaching sound blasted in their ears, to put them back on track. The motto was, everyone is the same, and no one can try to be different.

René Descartes, a french philosopher, put in in terms simple enough for me to understand. "Cogito, ergo sum" : "I think, therefore I am"

"But I have convinced myself that there is absolutely nothing in the world, no sky, no earth, no minds, no bodies. Does it now follow that I too do not exist? No. If I convinced myself of something [or thought anything at all] then I certainly existed. But there is a deceiver of supreme power and cunning who is deliberately and constantly deceiving me. In that case I too undoubtedly exist, if he is deceiving me; and let him deceive me as much as he can, he will never bring it about that I am nothing so long as I think that I am something. So, after considering everything very thoroughly, I must finally conclude that the proposition, I am, I exist, is necessarily true whenever it is put forward by me or conceived in my mind."

The simple meaning of the phrase is that if someone is wondering whether or not he exists, that is in and of itself proof that he does exist, because, at the very least, there is an "I" who is doing the thinking.

There is only one 'me' in this world. G-d made no two men alike, and every thought I have, and every decision I make, will be a first in this world.

Yes, at times it is so frustrating. I can sweat over one thought for hours, and never come to a conclusion. I can think, and rethink a decision a million times, and not be able to decide what to do. I look at the world, filled with confusion, unable to comprehend anything, unsure how I fit into the scheme of things.

Sometimes my thoughts lead me to places that I don't want to go. They can make me scared, depressed, upset. They can make me feel worthless, like I have no purpose here, and that I'll never get anywhere in life.

But on the other hand, my thoughts can make me feel good. I can feel happy, elated, at peace with myself, and the world. At times, I am so sure of myself, and my existance here. Things can become so clear, like I had a peak through a window. And at those times, I have such a burst of energy, and I feel like I can do anything.

There's no two ways about it. As long as we have free thought, our minds will go both ways. Your brain has the abilty to pull you to the depths of depression, or up to the greastest hights of happiness. And that is the beauty of it- the fact that WE are in control. We can stop a train of thought, or switch tracks. We can go to sleep, and we will think differently in the morning. We can come to conclusions, and make decisions, and good things will come from it.

I'm glad I didn't find the off switch. I might have taken advantage of it, or turned it off for good. Though I do sometimes feel like my thoughts are frustrating, or bothering me, I thank G-d for giving me the gift of thought.

'I think, therefore I am.' Cherish it, channel it, use it properly, and you will go far in life.

What part of no don't you understand?

Some people just can't take no for an answer. They think if they bug you long enough, you'll change your mind. You probably would, just to make them go away.

No, I can't work for you tomorrow, I'm busy. Yes, I have a life.

No, it can't wait till after 12, when work is over. I have things to do in the morning too.

No, I'm positive I can't do it.

No, I don't want to work for you.

No, I don't know what I'm doing next year, but I'm not working for you.

Because I don't want to.

Yes, I know you really need someone, but find someone else because I'm busy.

Yes, I'm really busy, and not trying to brush you off.

No, I don't know anyone else who can help you. (And if I did, I'd only give you their number if I didn't like them, and wanted to bug them.)

(Then you go for the sympathy card, and hope to G-d it works.)

I'm so sorry, I feel really bad that I can't help you out, but I have things to do. Maybe another time. (Not)

The biggest mistake you can make is giving out your phone number.
Solution: change your number. Or just put your phone on silent, and go back to sleep.

I said no. In this context, it means no. Which is not yes. It's the negitive form of yes. Which is no. No, no, no.

Simple pleasures

He was sitting on a park bench, drinking a cup of coffee, and reading the newspaper. It brought a smile to my face.

I recently read somewhere that with the spread of internet based news sites, newspapers will go out of bussiness. Though I doubt it'll actually happen, it makes me realize how little we are in touch with the world we live in.

All the latest gadgets are a must-have. The newest car,websites online popping up faster than a coiled spring. It's not enough to just have email, or even facebook, blogger, twitter. And all the other ones that I don't know about, and are yet to come. i can't keep up with it all!

Through all of it, you must remember to take pleasure in the little things in life. A walk in the park. A chocolate bar. (Nothing simpler than that!) Sitting on the beach, building a sand castle.

I love walking to the museum near my house, and just sitting there, watching the waterfall. It's enthralling.

I think computers and internet are a major asset in our day and age. I doubt I'd be able to live without email, seeing as how I check it 5 times a day.

But sometimes I feel like stepping back from it all, taking a breather, and just enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

How can you doubt it?

Leaves crunch under my feet, and I inhale the fresh scent of trees, and pine needles. I feel so alive, at one with nature. A soft breeze blows around me, and I hear birds twittering away in the background.

The first thought that pops into my head is, how beautiful is this world that Hashem created, and how lucky I am that I was given the chance to live in it. And my next thought is, how can someone live their life, and possibly doubt the existance of G-d, or that He is the creator of the world?

I see G-d wherever I go. When the sun rises, I know G-d is behind it. When the moon lights up at night, I know it's Him too. When I find 100$ on the floor, or my cake turns out good, when I'm late for the bus, but it's miraculously still there, when I cross the street safely without getting hit, I know with certainty that G-d is orchestrating it all.

I do have my doubts. Every human goes through life with questions, always thinking, what if, or why? Sometimes I doubt we have a purpous here. Maybe G-d just created this world, and put us here for His own enjoyment, to watch us suffer. Maybe it's all a lie, and we don't really exist.

Sometimes I doubt that G-d knows what He's doing, or that He made a mistake. When He gives me a problem that I don't think I can handle, I feel like saying, I'm sorry G-d, I think you have the wrong person.

When I learn Torah, and read about all that G-d did before I came along, sometimes I think He did it wrong, that maybe if I wrote history, it would have turned out better.

There is so much room to doubt, and question everything. As a person who is constantly thinking, I do that a lot. It's ok to have doubts, it's normal. But one thing I know with certainty, one thing I am sure about with my entire being, is that G-d exists, and He runs every aspect of this world.

With every breath I take, I know it, and I feel it. I have faith in G-d, even when things go wrong. Because yes, bad things do happen, and we don't understand why. I question G-d's intentions, but I never doubt that He exists.

There was a beautiful couple on shlichus in Mumbai, doing the Rebbe's work, and bringing yidishkeit to the far corners of the world. They were killed by terrorists, for no reason at all, except that they were Jews. The whole world was shaken up. They cried, they screamed, they were mad at G-d and questioned, why? Why kill the good ones, what did they do wrong?

I asked the questions along with everyone else. I was dissapointed in G-d. How could He have done something like that? But then I realized, who am I to question Him? I believe He had a reason for it, though I'll never know.

A woman is being tried on a murder trial. She is accused of killing her 2 year old daughter. I cried when I read that. Why would a mother do that? Why would she kill such a gorgeous, innocent child? How I see it is, G-d put the knife in her hand, but she made the choice to kill.

When I see a car crash, when I see bad people being set free, when I look at the situation is Israel, I want to cry. None of it makes sense. Why does G-d let bad things happen? Why are we still in golus, when G-d promised us we would be taken out?

When the world is in confussion, when good people suddenly turn bad, when people kill for no reason at all, steal, cheat, abuse others, I want to scream, and cry, and demand of G-d to stop. I question G-d all the time, even though it's not my place. But He gave me emotions, and a brain, and free choice.

I don't have the answers. It makes no sense to me, and trying to understand gets me no where. But when I hear someone say, I don't believe in G-d, show me where He is. How can you see Him in this 'evil' world? My only response is, how can you not believe? How can you doubt that G-d created this world, and is making it run so perfectly?

Everywhere I look, I see Him, I know He's there. He watches every move you make, every breath you take, every thought that runs through your mind. I see the hand of G-d so clearly, as if it was a picture in the sky.

So tell me, please, how can you possibly doubt that He exists?

Teacher for the day

My hands are covered in streaks of marker, which will probably take days to wash off. The reason for it: I did the one thing I always said I'd never do. I became a teacher for the day.

It wasn't really my choice. But I was there, and I had a job to do. I had to keep six 4 year olds happy, for six hours. It seemed a bit overwhelming, but it was easier than I thought.

We had circle time, and davening. I had no idea what I was doing, but the kids came to my rescue. They led me through the process step by step. Coincidentially, the kids who so kindly told me what had to be done also wanted to do the job. But I had to be fair, and make sure each kid got a turn.

Snack time, free play, gym, dancing, lunch, naptime, playground, arts-n-crafts. The key to it all was to stretch each as activity, make it last for as long as you could. Oh, and bathroom is an activity too.

Before I knew it, the day was over, and six kids were going home with smiles on their faces. Hopefully, I had something to do with it.

I never thought of 4 year olds as people, until today. These kids have such character! They talk, they laugh, they play, and they fight just as good as kids twice their age. Now I'm trying to remember what I ever had against teaching.

But it's easier with little kids. It's so easy to please them, and keep them happy. I really enjoyed it, though I doubt I'll make a habit of it.

I got roped into the job till the end of the week. Despite cutting into my vacation time, I think I'll be happy to do it. Seeing these kids with smiles on their faces makes me feel so good inside.

My hands are covered with marker, I came home today with an ice cream sunday, (made out of salt colored with chalk) and I'm already thinking up something whacky to do with them tomorrow. To hear these kids call me Morah, and know that they need me, is the greatest feeling in the world. (I like the sound of 'Morah Altie', it has a nice ring to it.) And this job is a way better time to spend my vacation than just doing nothing.

I was a teacher for the day. And all I can say is, wow! Who knew?

Don't be scared

Don't be scared to try,
or nervous that you won't succeed.

Don't be scared to laugh at yourself,
or admit that you were wrong.

Don't be scared to experiment,
and see where it takes you.

Don't be scared of your shadow,
or bad people in this world.

Don't be scared to cry,
or allow yourself to feel sad.

Don't be scared of death,
or of the 'other side'.

Don't be scared to live your life,
and worry that this day is your last.

Don't be scared to cross the street,
or get in a car and drive.

Don't be scared of getting old,
look forward to being more wise.

Don't be scared to be alone,
and enjoy your own company.

Don't be scared to sing,
even if you have a bad voice.

Don't be scared to be yourself,
or care what people will think.

Don't be scared of a challenge,
face it head-on.

Don't be scared to ask for help,
Know that people are there for you.

Don't be scared to make mistakes,
it proves that you are human.

Don't be scared to set goals,
and push yourself to reach them.

Don't be scared to dream,
or aim for the moon. If you aim, you'll probably get there.

Don't be scared of criticism,
look at it as a chance to better yourself.

Don't be scared of losing,
you'll have other chances to win.

Don't be scared to be afraid,
and admit that you have fears.

Don't be scared of anything,
don't be scared at all.

Don't be scared. Be YOU.

My life as a teenage robot

She asked me to write about being a teeneager. I laughed, because, being almost 19, I hardly identify myself as a teen anymore. My image of a typical teenager is colorful blobs, giggling behind their cell phone screens, as they text each other during class. Their areas of interest would be make-up, clothes, friends, and a little bit of parents and school. They don't seem to think too much, and their emotions extend as far as anger, towards their parents, and the world, for ruining their life.

I got down off my high horse and realized, none of that is fair. I laughed at myself, because I seemingly switched over to the 'dark side', that of an adult, when I wasn't looking. In essence, I'm still a teenager, still going through that stage in my life.

At times, I wish it would be over quickly, that everything would just fall into place, and make sense once again. But in truth, these years are such an opportunity. We each have a blank canvas, and we were given the chance to paint our own individual painting. Our life, our future. So why waste it? Use these years to shape yourself, your character. Give yourself the chance to find out who you really are, become who you want to be. When you think about it that way, how can being a teenager be a bad thing at all?

Teens are as far from robots as they come. I see it as an emotional trainreck just waiting to happen. There are so many things going on in life right now. I never learnt how to multi-task, so I know that for me, it can get very confusing, and frustrating at times. I want to scream, I want to cry. At times I have the urge to hit something. Then I eat something, and go to sleep, and everything looks better in the morning.

Do our parents understand us? My first reply is heeeeeeck no. No way. How could they? But they were teenagers themselves one time, long ago. As much as it seems that they want to ruin our life, they're really just looking out for us. They worry about us, they want to be a part of out life. They try their hardest to understand us, and it's very frustrating to them when we shut them out. Being a teen may be hard for us, but as a parent, I think they have it way harder. And it doesn't help much that we think everything they do is wrong, and we try to shut them out at every turn.

Finding yourself. Ha. I have to lose myself first, in order to find myself. Who came up with that term? I like to think of it more as 'molding yourself.' You don't need to find yourself. If you stop and think about it, you're right there. You know who you are. It's easy to forget, yes. But there's no need to 'find yourself', just sift through the good and bad. Pick out the parts of yourself that you like. Pat yourself on the back for your good qualities, your accomplishments. And pick a few negitive qualities you want to work on. You're molding your personality.

Suppose you did 'lose yourself'. It can happen. There are many things that come in our way, that block our view. People, events, the world. They influence who we are, and where we are trying to go. We have a goal, and things come in the way, and prevent us from getting there. Clinically, this is called depression. But I don't like clinical terms. I'd call it a 'minor set-back'. A roadblock in your path.

When I am in a bad mood, sometimes I forget all the happy times I had, and it seems I'll never be happy again. That's depression. But it only comes because you forget. You forget who you are, and where you are going. Just like darkness is the absence of light, depression is just the absence of happiness. You need to take your mind off it, do something you enjoy doing. Read a book. Listen to music. And when you're ready, you get yourself back on track, and remind yourself of your goal, and who you are. Don't let anyone discourage you, or trip you up. This is YOUR life, and you are in control. keep it that way, and keep your eye on the goal.

It is important to have friends. I remember once when I was little, someone asked me who my best friend was. And I froze, and struggled to come up with a name, someone she didn't know, so she wouldn't know the truth, that I didn't have a best friend. And then I got an email from someone, and it almost made me cry. This is what is said:

When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another , 'Let's fight together,'
Another , 'Let's walk away together.'

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman.
But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade, One from high school,
Several from the college years, a couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother, On some days your neighbour,
On others, your sisters, And on some days, your daughters.

(And my favorite line...) A good friend will visit you in jail, a true friend will help you hide the body.

So there you go. Friends are a vital part of our life. Without friends, you are practically dead. Someone once told me that I put a wall around my heart and didn't let anyone in. And my response was, duh, because if you let people in, you're setting yourself up to get hurt. Well, I've changed. It's easier now to 'let people in.' Yes, you may get hurt. But if you don't open up, you'll never know. And some bad will always come in with the good. But we have to say that hopefully we can sift out the bad, and we will come out a stronger person from it.

Reputations and social standings. School, stress, peer pressure. These are all just labels. I hate labels, it packages things together, and leaves no room for individuality. Let's look beyond the label. You are very much affected by your friends, and your peers. To do the right thing, or not. It's never an easy decision to make.

When I was little, I wanted to go skating with my friends. They happened to be going to a mixed rink, and my mother didn't let me go. I was mad at her, but she made the decision for me, the right decision. Now that I'm older, it's my decision to make. My friends went to see a movie, and invited me along. I battled with myself, to go or not to go. I didn't think it was so appropriate. I asked my mother what to do, and she said, it's your decision, I trust you to make the right one. (Thanks Ma, now you give me free choice?) I went to the movies with my friends. No, I didn't make the right choice.

But the choice is yours to make. Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything you think is wrong, or you don't want to do. You'll regret it later. Be smart, and go against the tide, instead of 'going with the flow', as most tend to do.

There are 'popular people' in school. And then there's YOU, Feel free to be yourself. Be comfortable with who you are. Don't try to live in other peoples shadows. Don't jump when they tell you to, do, think, or speak like anyone else. Just be YOU. That's the most important thing.

Guys. Another sore topic, that I've thought about millions of times. The temptation to talk to, and socialize with guys, is very strong. But it is there for a reason, so you'll be attracted to your husband, and be able to have a good relationship with him, and marriage. A good thing before it's time is not a good thing at all. It's not easy. At times, it seems that my friends don't understand me, and in my mind, a guy would understand me so much better.

Which may be true. But don't forget, the guy may see it differently than you do. You may only want to connect on an emotional level, and the guy wants it to go physical. Which is another whole topic on it's own, but suffice it to say that G-d knew what He was doing when He made the laws of shomer negia, and set boundries for us. Because He knew that we wouldn't be able to set boundries for ourself.

There's no solution for it. My only advice is, hold tight, and wait for that special someone, your soul mate, who is out there, and waiting for you. I like to think of marriage as giving your spouse a present. And who likes a present thats already been opened, and used? Think about it.

I never thought about college, when I was growing up. No, thats not true. I thought about it. I wasn't going. Then recently, I changed my mind. I started thinking of my future. What should I do after seminary? Besides getting a job, (which most you need a college degree for anyway) I didn't want to go on a year of shlichus, or second year of seminary. I do want to get married, but you can't plan that. So why not go to college? I want to get a degree in psychology, become a psychologist and help people. That can only be a good thing, right? And nowadays, with frum colleges, I don't even have to worry about the atmosphere. So what can be wrong?

Well apparently, more things than I knew about. The second I mentioned it, I had various people jumping on my back, trying to convince me otherwise. And then I had some friends who thought it was a great idea, because I'm so smart, and why waste my brains? (Their words, not mine.) I'm still trying to decide what to do. Of course it doesn't help that I have a hard time making decisions, and I'm a pesimist, and I'm lazy, so I'm already worrying about slacking off, and not going to class. Or the fact that I have to go to school for SIX WHOLE YEARS to get a decent degree.

I'm not going to get into the halachic point of view, or what the Rebbe says, even though I respect his views. I'm not going to touch on if it's 'right or wrong', because everyone has their own opinion of that. I think the bottem line is, college exposes you to the world out there. And don't get me wrong. I am not of the opinion that we should shield children from the world, that we should live in a bouble, and live life as if the 'goyish velt' doesn't exist.

As someone who grew up in a house with TV, and being exposed to the media, non Jewish literature, I'm constantly trying to find a balance between the two worlds. Maybe there is no balance, and you can only be in one, or the other. I don't know. But I do know that the less you intentionally expose yourself to the goyish velt, and foreign ideas and concepts, the less danger you have of doubting Torah and Mitzvos, and of drifting away. Because as much as a temptation their world is, with their models, and music, and movies, and books, it's all fake. It looks real, but if you dig deeper, there's nothing there. It's all artificial. Ask any Baal T'shuva, and they'll tell you, the only truth is G-d, and the Torah. So if we have the truth, why try to throw it away in exchange for the lies?

I try my best not to be a hypocrite. And no, I'm not perfect. No one is. I always hoped I would 'practice what I preached.' And I hate preaching. But just know this: as hard as the teenage years may seem now, it will only get harder as you go along. Just joking. I really hope not. Years from now, you'll look back at all you went through, and laugh at the things you got upset about, and found so important. Because it won't matter anymore. But now, it matters. Now, it's your life, and it hurts.

But don't forget that there are many people out there going through the same things you are. So talk about it. Share your problems, your stories, get advice. And you won't feel so alone.

And know that as hard as it may seem now, it will get better. And G-d is always watching over you, and He listens when you talk to Him. He may not agree with what you have to say, but He's there.

Life as a teenager. So much potential.

I dream of other times

Two in the morning,

should be sleeping,

but I'm not tired, not ready to close my eyes.

Contemplating,

so many things,

the very being of the world, with me in it.

Breathing softly,

heart beating,

I am alive, and thankful for that.

Tomorrow will come,

another day,

another chance to see the sunrise, to do better.

Praise the lord,

for He is great,

creations far surpassing that of a man's ability to reach.

Puzzle pieces,

nothing fits,

my brain whirls in a sea of confusion.

Grasping things,

something solid,

to hold on to, and never let go.

My life,

a search for meaning,

like a needle in a haystack.

Wishing for,

clarity,

peace at last, the final redemption.

So many people,

around me,

but they have no clue at all.

I need answers,

I sense them,

but they allude me, out of reach.

Eyes open,

darkness surrounds me,

can't see anything, can't find my way.

But I know,

someday,

it will all become clear.

Don't know when,

don't know how,

but I know with certainty, this darkness won't last.

The night is long,

but day will come,
and with it will be answers, clarity.

Five in the morning,

should be sleeping,

but I'm not.

The sky is pink,

like roses,

dawn is breaking over the horrizon.

The blackness of night,

gives way to light,

and all is peaceful at last.

Birds chirping,
people laughing,

everything as it should be.

I close my eyes,

and let sleep come,

let dreams be of other places.

G-d knows,

what's best for us,

and G-d is forever watching.

In the night, she prays

In the darkness of night,

the house is silent

it's members asleep.

But she is awake

emotions consume her,

feelings run so deep.

She slips out of bed

with the moonlight her guide,

and walks slowly down the stairs.

With book in hand

she gently sits

in her favorite rocking chair.

Her lips move silently,

as she prays to G-d

she has so many requests.

To keep her family safe

and out of harms way

her children He should bless.

With word from her heart,

and the holy psalms

written so long ago.

She turns to G-d

in joy and pain

as she watches her children grow.

Parnasa, shidduchim

success in school

each child has different needs.

These are her flowers

she lovingly raised

since they were little seeds.

The seasons change

her kids move on

they have children of their own.

The house is silent

the walls echo with

voices of children now grown.

But still she prays

so fervently

for all the generations to come.

In times of happiness

and of sorrow

she turns to the Holy One.

In the silence of night

she sits in her chair

her heart filled with her childrens pain.

She is old now

her children are grown

but a mother she will forever remain.

Pesach's coming....

I can't stop thinking about it. Pesach's coming, and I'm not ready. I feel like holding up my hand, like the traffic guards do, and say halt! Don't come yet, give us some more time, and come back later.

But it doesn't work. I can moan and groan all I want, and it will still come, whether I'm ready for it, or not. Emphasis on the NOT part.

It's funny, when you think about it. It's just EIGHT DAYS! That's it. And people run around like crazy, buying, and cleaning, and cooking. It almst seems like the holiday is not worth all the preparation that goes into it. All that preparing, and then it's just over? Why bother?

I'm a procrastinater. I push off everything I have to do, until the last minute. Sometimes I say what the heck, and don't do it at all. Depends what it is, and how important it is to me. For three days in a row, I slept late, and pushed off going shopping, as I had planned, Because in my mind, if I wake up at 11, by the time I get up and go shopping, I won't have that much time, and it won't even be worth it, right?

Life is full of deadlines. We have a limited time here on this year. Sometimes, that thought does get me to move. If I don't do it now, then when will it get done? What if, G-d forbid, today is a person's last day on earth? Whatever you have accomplished until now is all that you'll have to show. We are supposed to live every day as if it is our last, and hopefully, that is supposed to get us to live our life to it's fullest, do the things we have to do, and not push it off till tomorrow. Cuz what if there is no tomorrow?

I just laughed at my own thought. I asked a question, and realized, the wuestion itself brings the answer. Why prepare so much for eight short days? Well, the only correct answer seems to be, that the preparation itself is what's important. It's like eating a meal before yom kippur. We still have to fast, but the meal itself is equal to fasting.

Pesach will come, and we will celebrate. But what will we bring to the table? What will we haave to show for it? When you sow, you will reap. The greatest fulfillment comes from doing the work yourself, getting the job done. If you didn't work for it, you may get the rewards, but you won't enjoy it as much as you would have if you worked for it. So what have you done to deserve pesach this year?

It is with a nervous knot in my stomach that I wish all of you a happy and kosher pesach.

We've cleaned, yes. We sold stuff, we covered stuff. My kitchen looks like a spaceship, and the smell of new plastic seems to permiate the house. But despite all that, I KNOW that there's still chometz, where I can't see it. It just seems easier to close my eyes, and not think about it. So that's what I will do.

And when we say the blessing, tonight, nullifying all the chometz that we may not see, or know about, I'll say it with my whole heart, and hope G-d excepts it.

So when you are done with the cleaning, and the cooking, and you get a few seconds to yourselves, (not likely to happen) sit down, and take a break. And remember what this holiday is really about.

No, it's not all about the food (or lack of), or the cleaning, or the trips. It's not about the new outfits, or the kosher for pesach products, which don't work as well. It's not about any of that.

Pesach is about redemption, and the miracles G-d did for us long ago. It is a holiday of thanks, and reflection. But it is also a time to think about the future, and just like we say in the haggada, leshana habaa b'yerushalaim, may we celebrate pesach this year, AND next year, and all the years to come, together, in the bais hamikdash, with moshiach now!

A very kosher and frailechin pesach!

I don't know

Just another thing I have to do that I didn't know about. Saying the hagadda on shabbos hagadol? Never heard about it. Do I really have to do it? According to the girl in front of me, I do, though this is the first time I heard about it.

There are a few things I really can't stand. Doing something I have to do is one of them. It's one thing doing what G-d says. Yes, He commanded me 613 motzvos, but if I don't do them, only He will know. And will He scream at me, let me know I let Him down? Not in this lifetime.

Sometimes I'm not sure I want any of this. I don't want to be a part of it. I'm Jewish, ok. I was born Jewish, I can't change that. According to G-d, I have to be religious. But there are planty of secular Jews out there, who are doing just fine. They don't do everything they should, and planty things that they shouldn't, and yet they're still around. So what about me?

The difference is, they don't know. They don't do it diliberatly. I was born with it, grew up with it. I can't deny knowing, so when I do something wrong, I'm held accountable for it. That doesn't seem fair, though.

I'm walking along Kingston Ave. I see all the mitzva tanks, left over from the parade. Yud aleph nissan, the Rebbe's birthday. What does it mean? What does any of it mean? I went into 770 to daven mincha. It's out of character for me, but I felt like it. That's how I do things, when I feel like it. And when I don't want to, I just won't do it. Simple as that.

G-d gave me free choice. I'm free to run my own life, so to speak. And yet, He gave me commandments that I must follow. So in reality, I'm not really free. I'm a slave to G-d. Right?

Someone explained it to me. By doing G-d's will, I'm actually free. By doing as the world says, or going according to my natural instincts, I'm imprisoning myself, being a slave to my desires. Makes sense? Not at all.

None of it makes sense. But it's not supposed to. You're just expected to do, without questioning. That's what the Jews did long ago, at Mt. Sini. But I have so many questions, I don't feel like just doing.

I just read a really weird book. It made no sense, and freaked me out. I only finished it because I can never leave a book unread. A girl viewed her own death. Than she realized why she had died, and that she didn't want to die, and that she had to fix the mistake she made. (Don't ask, I'm still trying to figure out what I read.)

The thing I realized is, in the end of the day, we all die. So you can try your best to do what's right, and get yourself lots of merits up there. Or you can live happy, do whatever the heck you want, and live your life as you wish. No rules. We all die anyway, so does it really matter how we live?

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a divide, between the good, and the bad. I have one foot on either side, and I have no idea where I'll end up. I just know that both sides have an equal pull on me, but at times, one is stronger than the other.

The goyish velt- the only way I can describe it. The music, the books, the lifestyle. The feeling that I can do whatever I want, with no consequences. I don't have to try to please anyone, or live up to any standards. I can go to college, get a carreer, and not feel like I'm letting someone down.

And the other side. The 'good' side. To be 'chassidish'. To go to shul on shabbos, to daven. To learn, to do, to feel. Theres so much life there, so much potential. I go to 770, and it's a whole different world there. These people know what they're doing, where they are going in life. They have excitemant, a warmth towards yidishkeit. It's a feeling I wish I had.

Sometimes I'm so sure what I want. And sometimes, I just don't know. I wish it were clear. I wish I could choose between the two worlds. But at the end of the day, theres no real choice. I know what I should do, where I should be. The real challenge is what, if anything, am I going to do about it.

And the answer? I just don't know.

Girls and boys

This is something that never made sense to me. So you tell me, please. Because apparently, you understand it more than I do.

There are girls, and there are boys. G-d created two different beings. Is one better than the other? Are we equal? No, to both. We are just different.

You can't explain it. Just like you can't explain how the sun and the moon are different, or how people and animals are different. I'm sure the brilliant scientists can use their fancy language to come up with some theory of how we're different. But in plain simple english, we are just different. End of story.

I don't know why G-d made it that way. I never know why G-d does what He does. But according to science, opposites attract. (Though this may be true, never believe everything scientists tell us. they don't always know what they're talking about.)

Males and females are opposite, and so, they attract. Naturally. But G-d made rules, guidelines. He gave us the ability to havbe feelings, and then He told us how to deal with them.

Marriage. That's a rule. G-d wants us to get married. He wants a husband and wife to be attracted to eachother, so they can be together as man and wife, and have children, because G-d wants it, etc etc. It's really very simple when you think about it. Except it's not simple at all.

G-d is simple, in a way. The rules are simple. But people are not simple. They are very, very complicated. They follow their natural insticts, which is, to do whatever the heck you feel like, instead of following G-d's will. To follow what G-d wants is actually against nature, however confusing that sounds.

So let's simplify this. Girls like boys. Boys like girls. They are attracted to eachother, and have the ability to nurture feelings for eachother. BUT- and heres the big but- G-d wants feelings to develope ONLY in the proper setting, which is, marriage. Simple, right?

So why do I see girls and guys hanging out all over the place? Shomer negia? What's that? So I touch guys, whats the big deal? I mean, I'll get married eventually, like, whatever. Girls, guys, girls, guys. What's the difference?

You think I'm judging you? You think I'm above all this, that I am not attracted to guys? So, i'm like, lesbian, or a loner, or just plain weird?

No, not at all. I understand it, because I go through it myself. But understanding, and doing, are two different things. On the contrary, I refrain because I understand it.

Now before anyone comes along and tries to knock me off my high horse, I just want to say two things. Firstly, that one of my bigger goals in life is to get married to a great guy, with good midos, and a nice personality. I want to have a big family, with lots of kids. So no, I'm not immune to all this, I just want to go about it the right way.

And one more thing. Dappling with guys before marriage will generally just lead to heartbreak. If you listen to half the songs out there in the goyish world, (which, of course, you shouldn't), the majority talk about cheating boyfriends, heartbreak, break-ups, and other things along those lines. So take my word for it, its NOT worth it.

Ok, I got my shield ready. Now you can feel free to come after me.

Good bye, Bais Chomesh

I finished high school 10 months ago. But I feel like now I really said good bye.

My fours years there were good, in general. I had a lot of ups and downs, but it was my school, where I belonged. Naturally, I wanted to go visit when I came home for pesach. And thats when I realized, I no longer belong there.

The walls seemed different. I think they were painted. But it was the same, exactly as I remembered it. Same classrooms, chairs, bathroom, shul. Yet there was something missing, somehow. My class, my friends. There were new girls, new teachers, and some of the old teachers had left.

It was exactly how I remembered it, and yet, I was a stranger, somehow. I tried to fit in, but they were all staring at me, discussing how much I've changed since I left. Someone told me I look like a teacher. I tried my best not to get insulted.

I oohed and aaad, over how different things were, and how I can't believe I had ever left, etc etc. But it was a bittersweet feeling. I could hear the walls echoing with long ago laughter. I saw all out memories in my minds eye, like it all happened that day. All the memories we made, the good times we share. Now, it's all gone, commited to memory. The girls have forgotten us, and soon, the sounds will fade, and the walls will forget, too.

I was sad, yes. But I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would. Last year, I thought I would cry, and refuse to leave. I didn't want to think beyond high school. I was terrified of leaving, of growing up. I hated change. But I left. And here I am.

So goodbye, Bais Chomesh. Thank you for all the good times, and for everything I gained, from the four years I spent there. I'll never forget my memories, and the days and time we shared. But I don't belong there anymore, I've moved on. And I'm not as scared as I used to be, of the future.

I'll miss it, yes. But in a whimsical way. I finally stopped looking back, and now I look forward, to next year, to my future, and what G-d has in store for me.

I'm ready, G-d. Bring it on!