Amen V'amen

I can hear the music playing in my head. I can imagine the crowd as they see me coming, and gasp, and oooh and aaah over how beautiful I look, and I will smile bashfully because I know it is true.

Sometimes, in my dreams, I can see the groom, but I never see his face. He is hidden in shadows, an as-yet unknown player in my game.

I have learned that it is okay to dream, to wish and to hope. I have learned that it is okay to be vulnerable. It is okay to take chances and to be unsure about what is coming next.

But I know what is coming next. Sort of. I would say that my life is on track. I am meeting the goals I made for myself, I am accomplishing things I once only dreamed of. My future is bright, and I can do or be whatever I want to be.

There is something missing. There is always something missing. Sometimes it is okay, and sometimes it is not so okay. Sometimes I don't think about it at all, and sometimes it is all I think about.

And those hopes and dreams- they seem far and distant, and unattainable. And the only thing that keeps me go is raw unwavering faith.

I stop to give a man tzedaka. He tells me I should grow up to be a tzadekis. He tells me I should meet the right guy at the right time, he pours brachos on me one after the other. And I just nod and smile. And say amen.

I give tzedaka to a lady that doesn't speak English. She blesses me in yidish, or maybe hebrew. I don't quite understand what she is saying, but I know how to respond. I say thank you, and of course, Amen.

Amen. I believe. I have emuna. Nothing in this world moves or breaths or happens without the hand of G-d. Every tiny little detail is orchestrated, from the beginning to the end of time. So how can I not believe that He knows what is to come, that He has a plan for me, that everything will work out as it is supposed, and it will be good?

Sometimes it makes no sense, and still I say, Amen.

Because deep down in my soul, I believe.