The script that keeps on giving

What is it like to have your thoughts, your words come alive before your eyes?

It feels like tonight.

As I watch these girls on stage, playing out the script that I wrote, portraying the characters that I created, but each in their own way, it is a strange feeling.

This is the 3rd time that my script has been used as a play. (4th, if you count the school that didn't ask permission.) But it's the first time I actually sat in the audience and watched it.

These girls are magnificent. It is very different than the original school who did it. Every person plays the part how they see it in their mind. They add their own flavor to it.

They changed it some from the original script, made it more into a musical than a play. But they did a great job at it, I really enjoyed watching it. It was a nice feeling to watch it and know that I wrote it.

Despite the girls Principal's encouragement, I don't see Broadway in my future. But hey, when I wrote this script as a 12th grader just trying to use her talent- I never envisioned it would go this far.

Never limit yourself.

G-d and the GPS

Whenever I leave my house, I program my GPS. I am terrible when it comes to directions. If I need to meet someone in a certain place, I tell them to give me the address, and I will just punch it into the GPS. It is easier than trying to puzzle out directions. Do I go right or left here? I just wait for the persistent yet sometimes annoying voice of my GPS to announce, “In 400 yards, turn right. Then, go straight.”

My father is good with directions. Somehow he instinctively knows where he is and how to get to another destination from there. I thank the person who created the GPS, even though it gives me an excuse to not have to think while I’m driving. I don’t multi-task very well.

The thing about my GPS is it takes a few minutes to find my location. When I leave my house, I have to have some general idea of where I am going, and then the GPS will pick me up along the way. If I don’t even know if I need to go right or left, then I might as well stop on the side of the road until the GPS finds a signal. Does that make the GPS useless to me? No, because even if it doesn’t help me at first, it eventually finds me and shows me the way.

I used to say to G-d, “Tell me where to go from here. Just point me in the direction you want me to go, and I will go there. That is all I am asking of you. That is not so hard, right?” Sometimes I get stuck and I need direction. Sometimes I feel like I am at a crossroads in life. There is a fork in the road and I don’t know whether to go right or left. I sit in the road and wait for some bright neon sign saying, “This way to redemption!” But for some reason it never comes.

It started me thinking. Maybe G-d wants me to put in some effort. We are brought down to this earth for a reason, and we all have a purpose here. I wish I was given a guidebook along with my life, maybe a little preview, and a peek at what is to come next. It would be so reassuring to know that tomorrow everything will be okay, that in five years from now I will be doing this or that, and that it doesn’t matter where I am now. So many times I have asked G-d, so what now? And I have drawn a blank.

There is a well-known saying, “Open up a hole the size of a needle, and G-d will open a hole like the doors of a wedding hall.” (Pischu li pesach shel machat v'ani eftach lachem pischo shel ulam.) That is all that He asks of us. Just try. Do a little bit. Leave your house and pick a destination. Don’t rely on the GPS to get you there. Don’t rely solely on G-d to give you direction and figure out your life. He is relying on us. G-d is waiting for us to make that first move, even if we just move our big toe. G-d wants to see that we are putting in the effort and that we are not waiting around for someone else to do the work, for someone else to live our lives.

And only then will He pick us up. Only then will He light the way for us, push away all obstacles, and escort us Himself to the finish line.

I used to think that maybe G-d wants me to fail. He leaves me on my own, right? Maybe He is just watching and waiting for me to stumble.

But He doesn’t want us to fail. He just wants us to try.

Like the size of a needle hole. You have to make the first move. Like lifting weights, it might seem very hard at first. But once you lift that heavy burden, G-d will pick it up and make it lighter.

I never leave my house without my GPS. And I never leave my house without a prayer to G-d first. I don’t ask Him to show me the way anymore. Now, I ask Him to give me the strength, wisdom and clarity to find the way.

I still have not seen that neon sign yet, but somehow I know G-d is listening.

Just jump

My toes touch the edge

as I look over

into the yawning darkness

the abyss so deep I can't see the bottom.

My heart lurches in fear

as a voice urges me to go forward

and another pleads with me to stay.

What to do?

I can't go back.

Can never go back.

The only place to go is forward.

But I am stuck in place, can't move.

Fear of the unknown.

A paralyzing all-encompassing fear.

Fear of falling.

But a bigger fear of never moving at all.

Jump.

Just jump.

Take the plunge.

You can do it.

It's like a game.

Playing with fire.

Only it's not fun.

And it's not really a game.

Advance, and then recede.

Testing the waters.

Getting my toes wet.

But then returning to my familiar surroundings.

Not wanting to leave my comfort zone

to shatter my illusion of peace.

But if I don't move

here is where I will stay forever.

It is not really a question.

Hesitation.

Momentary glitch.

A pause.

I know what I will do.

Eventually.

The question is how long it will take me

to get up and go.

But for now

I stand here

looking into the eye of the unknown

wondering how my life will turn out

if I never move from here.

I hold my breath

and take the plunge.

Because I have no other choice

but to jump.

Your fault

No one can fault you for having no brains,
For looking so plain,
For walking away
When it hurts so bad, when you can’t take the pain.

No one can fault you for missing the train,
For using a cane,
For going insane
For driving so slow in the fast lane.

But when you turn the bend
And your life has ended
What will you say
For every day
That you’ve lived this way?

And if they ask you why
And you say you didn’t try
Don’t bother to cry
Don’t bother to lie
It won’t help you on high.

No one can fault you for things you can’t do
For weaknesses in yourself
For disabilities.

No one can fault you for missed opportunities
For words you never said
For books you’ve never read.

No one can fault you for staying at home
For living your life
For paying no heed to another’s plight.

No one can fault you for being sad
For getting mad
For being depressed and feeling nothing at all.

But those people who tell you that it’s okay
That you did your best
That you are fine and don’t need to do anymore-
They are wrong.

Because it is your fault.

For not trying
For not caring
For coming late
For being hateful.

It is your fault for not being there
For being selfish
For not doing when you should have done.

For screaming
For not changing
For staying in bed when there were people who needed you.
For believing them when they told you it was enough.

No one can fault you for things you can’t do.
But they can fault you for things you can do but don’t.

And most of all,
It is your fault
For not trying.

Don’t live your life blaming everyone and everything else
When all along it was your own fault for how your life turned out
Cuz you never tried at all.

NOT stuck in the moment

Contrary to Justin Bieber's song, I am not stuck in the moment. Sometimes I wonder where I'm going and where I will end up. But then I remember that just as I came from somewhere, so I will go somewhere.

It is reassuring and calming to read stuff I've previously written. It makes me feel real. sometimes I forget who I am. I forget that who I am right now was not who I always was, nor is it who I will always be. I forget that I once had goals, dreams, visions, plans. I forget where I was going.

I get stuck here, in this moment and I feel detached from past me, and future me. I feel trapped in present me. It is a feeling of desperation; that this is who I am and where I am and I will remain here forever.

And then memories flit into my mind. Of other times and places. Of thoughts I once had but are now forgotten.

It is so easy to get caught up in the moment, in this physical world and forget where you are headed.

But I remind myself of things. Things I've written, things I've tried hard to forget, and put out of my mind.

I know that just as there are experiences I try to forget, there are as many, and more that I yearn to remember, to relive.

I, in this moment, am only a minuscule part of my life, my existence, my purpose.

I don't feel stuck anymore, and I'm not. I know there is more to come, much more I don't know about yet.

I look forward to it, to the rest of my life, and looking back on this moment in rememberance some ten years down the line.

My memories and my writing are what keep me whole, and makes sure that I never forget who I once was, and who I am destined to be.

This moment- it is but a grain of sand in time.

Happy Purim!

So I am home for purim, and my throat is hurting a lot. I got a cold for the second time in 2 weeks and now I can hardly swallow. Don't worry, soon I will take nighttime cold and flu medicine and it will knock me out for the night. I just hope I can get up in the morning for megilla and not be all woozy.

I packed my 6 shaloch manoses. I was only gonna make 2, but then the list just kept on growing. Of course my family buys cases of stuff so if anyone pops by that I didn't intend to give, I can just throw something together.

I was not gonna dress up this year, cuz I'm not into costumes really. But then I decided to pull something together, so now I'm a cowgirl, with straw hat, bandanna, jean jacket pigtail braids and all. I can see why some people enjoy dressing up, because it was fun once I decided to do it, but I don't generally dress up.

Hope everyone has a fun-filled purim. Drink a lechaim, but no more than four. Make sure to give tzedaka and think of someone else. You can donate online here. It is for matanos levyonim in Israel, and they will give out the money on Purim.

A freilechin (happy) purim to all!

p.s. Despite the fact that I was sick, I had a happy purim after all. My friend dressed as a hippy, and we had fun distributing our shaloch manoses together. Hope everyone's purim was just as great, or better.

I found this t-shirt cute

The Search

The search for the perfect dress...

The search for the perfect material to fix up the not-so-perfect dress...

The search for the shoes... (thank G-d that was easy.)

The search for the seamstress to work on the might-be-perfect dress...

The hope that everything will look perfect...

The nonchalant attitude that it won't matter and I don't care how I look either way...

(The knowledge that that's a lie...)

The clock is ticking. Tick tock tick tock.

The wedding is in twenty days...

Is it worth it?

Is a memory worth $1500? Is it worth anything?

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Is it worth $1500?

How can you ask me how important it is to me? What would you do if you lost everything? Would you try your hardest, pay any price to retrieve it, to fix it?

You tell me- how can you put a price on a memory?

So high, so low

It feels so high, this feeling coursing through me. It's like a bubble inside of me ready to burst. My head feels like it's gonna explode. Nervous energy making me jittery, like I am high on something, coffee maybe, or something stronger.

I type so fast, write so fast my hands are shaking.

I can't sit still, my heart beats rapidly, palms sweaty. Foot tapping nervously. Need a release, what to do with this excess energy?

I am excited, for something inevitable, something happening really soon, or maybe far off in the future, or not at all. But whatever it is it has me tied in knots.

Talking to so many people, conversations flying, doing so many things at once. My brain won't stop moving, one thought following closely on the heels of the previous one.

But suddenly, it is late. It is nighttime and dark outside, and the voices in my ear are far away, not close by with me.

Suddenly I look around me. I am in my own little room alone. Everything starts to die down. My nervous system depresses, my energy drains away.

Like gravity, like everything in life, what goes up must come down.

And so my high is over, and next comes the low.

After a high like that,

You

Just

Can't

Help

But

F
A
L
L.

How important is it?

When all is (not) lost

(I wrote this post yesterday, with my emotions still raw. After I wrote it, I read my nightly thought from the book "Don't look down" by Rabbi Michael Haber, and the thought tied in perfectly with this post. I will give a synopsis below. (Due to the copyright in the book, I am just saying in my own words what I read. I am not attempting to copy or plagiarize or the like.)
Oftentimes the passage I read at night coincides with what I am feeling, or what happened that day. There are answers everywhere, you just have to look for them.)

The story goes that there was an ice sculpting contest taking place in a dessert. The sculptors worked all day on their creations, and put a lot of work into it. A stranger passing by who viewed this was puzzled and asked them why they were working so hard on something that would quickly melt.

The sculptor said to him, of course we know that. Look at the sign over there. The sign read, "HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?"

The artist explained, throughout life things come and go. Jobs, cars, houses, money. We get upset over little things, petty things, physical things. The ice sculpting contest reminds us that these things don't really matter. Why should I get upset over something that years from now won't even matter?

Ask yourself, how important is it?

After reading that it really put my attitude into perspective. Here's my original post:

It's like losing your whole life in a day. Okay, not your whole life, I'm exaggerating. But somehow it just feels that way.

How can one stupid mistake change everything? Actually there were a few more mistakes before this one that makes it all the more upsetting. I hate when things change and I can't fix them, can't change it back.

I dropped my laptop yesterday. The hard drive broke. I have to buy a new one and reinstall all the programs that were on there before, including Windows 7 which I will probably have to buy now, since it came free with my laptop.

The stupid mistakes I made leading up to this was:
1. I did not buy an extended warranty or insurance on my laptop.
2. (the worst mistake I could have made) I did not back up my hard drive. That is why I am now paying $80 in the hopes that my files, or some of them can be recovered.

I foresee a lot if money payouts in the near future.

It is hard to keep a positive attitude in a situation like this. I feel powerless, and I hate feeling that way. I know it is just a laptop and my whole life isn't lost, but there is a lot on that laptop that was valuable to me. It is like hiding a whole bunch if diamonds and coming back to discover they are all gone.

Needless to say it was a miserable day for me.

It is rosh chodesh Adar bais and I am not happy. I know I am supposed to be but it is hard. We made a really cute art yesterday. It was inspired by the preschool class. (fun for adults too.) You take a big cardboard paper. Cut out a shape using contact paper, then peel it and stick it onto the cardboard. Then you pour water color paint onto the cardboard, and blow it around with a straw. It will give the cardboard a cool tie-dyed kind of look. Then when it is dry you peel off the contact paper, and your shape will stand out bright against the colorful background. Try it, it's really cool and fun to make.

Mine was a smiley face with the words, "it's all good" around it. Yes, I try to remember that all the time but sometimes it stays outside my brain and doesn't seep in like it's supposed to.

I try to remember that everything that happens is hashgacha pratis, and everything happens for a reason. But a voice whispers in my ear, "na that's only for the really big things, not something small like this". But I know better.

I wonder why this had to happen. Was it punishment for something I did? Was it to teach me a lesson?

Or was it a test for me to pass, to rise above the pain and realize that all is not lost? That I am still me, I am healthy, I have money and food and a place to live, I am taken care of, I have family and friends, and a whole life ahead if me.

It is still upsetting that from one little thing everything changes. It is something I struggle with constantly. What if? What if I hadn't dropped my laptop? What if I had backed up my files like Mcafee has been warning me about for months? What if this never happened and I didn't have to ponder the reason why?

But it did and I do. I don't know why things happen. But I do believe that some things are beyond my comprehension. And I know that G-d is in control and He knows way better than I will ever know.

I will hang up my painting, and every time I look at it I will remember this, that all is not lost, and it's all good.

And even when it doesn't seem that way, I know it will be okay.

Food for thought

I like the quote of the day today: "We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves." -Galileo Galilei

Sometimes people don't even realize what kind of strengths or talents they possess. It takes experiences, and people around them to help them discover it.

Another thing I have learned in life: always look ahead, because looking back will get you nowhere, and you might bump into a wall. Some people dwell on the past. But then, you are not really living.

On the other hand, don't rush your life, because it'll be over before you know it and you will not even have enjoyed it.

I counted 15 weeks until the end of the school year. 15 weeks until my job is done. There is a lot of good things happening in the near future. Things to look forward to. But if you look too far ahead you trip over what is right in front of you.

My grandmother keeps asking me what I have planned for next year. (She can't wait to hear that I will be going back to college.) My answer every time is, I have no idea. Next year is one big question mark. I don't like planning so far ahead because plans fall through. And of course, sometime we plan things to the T, but G-d has a different plan for us.

So what I'm saying is, just live life and enjoy every day. Don't look back, don't look forward, just live in the moment and make lasting memories.

Have a good Shabbos.

Back to life

My sleep fogged brain is trying to comprehend what is going on around me. It is strange trying to get back into things after being away a whole week. And the first thing I did when I got back- make dinner. Oh yes they definitely missed me over here.

I had an amazing week in Toronto. It was so good to see everyone I haven't seen in awhile, and of course I'm happy I made it to the wedding. I'm G-d willing looking forward to many more simchas in the near future.

I can't help glancing at the calendar to see how many days are left. But there are lots of fun stuff coming up so I'll be quite busy.

Now it's back to work and back to life. All my body wants right now is sleep, but tomorrow morning it will really hit me that I'm back.

School revisited

How do you put emotions into words?

I walked into my old classroom from 12th grade. The wave of emotions that hit me were unexpected. I didn't like high school when I was there, so I assumed the same feelings of resentment would surface when I revisited. But instead I missed it.

I saw myself three years ago sitting there with my friends, joking and laughing and arguing. This is where it all took place. I missed the feeling of being a part of something, the feeling of being protected and part of a little world where everything that happened was on a much smaller scale. The repercussions of our actions were not that great. We were sheltered from the reality of the "real" world. I can't help feeling like I'm on my own now and everything I do really matters.

I had a heart to heart talk with my old principal, the very same one who I couldn't stand, who shoed me back into class and threatened to send me home when I cut class. Suddenly, I saw her in a different light. She did all that because she cared about me, and still does. I respect her in a much different way now. I feel like a real person, I live in the real world now instead of the pseudo-make believe world we called high school.

It was weird not knowing most of the girls there. But it was okay. They were not around when I was in high school, and they will never share my memories. I mean nothing to them but that's okay too. One day they won't mean anything to the next generation.

School was such a big part of my life. It's hard knowing it's over and will never be again.

Torono, Chrono, Chronto, Canada-aye

The coffee tastes really good. It goes down sweet and warm. Tastes like cinnamon. I am not a coffee person but I can make an exception once in awhile.

What do you write when you have nothing much to say? I figured, anything as long as it will bump my last dismal post farther down.

It is hard and sad when someone passes away. We went to pay the girls a shiva call. I didn't say much. What is there to say to them? I'm sorry you lost your father? No one should ever know from such sorrow.

I'm in Toronto now. When I arrived it was with a mix of curiosity, like I wonder how much the city has changed since I was last here two years ago. And a sense of familiarity, like I recognize that street, that store, that name. But thank G-d there was no feeling of dread since I am no longer entrapped in high school here.

It is 'Family Day' today here in Canada. A time to spend with ones family bonding, I suppose. Interestingly enough, all the stores are closed.

My head is still a bit woozy from my ten-plus hour bus ride. And of course sleeping half the day. Now that it is nighttime, time to explore.

The coffee is cold now. Toodeloo.

A life that was taken

I can't reverse the decision,

can't change back the clock.

Can't take away the pain

cannot make it stop.

Abundance of sorrow

river of tears

hearts that break,

deepest fears.

Just one day

will be remembered forever

commemorated,

not celebrated.

A father, a husband, and grandfather

so many things

to so many people

suddenly taken away.

I freeze, can't move

a part of me knew it could happen.

But the reality is like

a punch to the stomach.

I call my father to tell him

I love him.

But it is not really

about me.

It is about those two girls

and their family

who lost their father

yesterday.

We don't understand

we feel it's not fair.

And still we say

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

February 14

February 14 is a day like any other. It doesn't mean much to me, it is just another day on the calendar.

To some people, February 14 is called Valentine's day. It comes hand in hand with red hearts, chocolate, flowers, and other cutesy stuff. People buy each other gifts, perhaps jewelry, they give out cards to tell their loved ones how much they mean to them.

I always figured, why concentrate it all on one day? Show the love by spreading it out throughout the year, and making sure to say I love you every day, in different ways.

Nobody asked me to be their valentine, but that's okay. There is a lot more to life then red hearts and candy.

Happy February 14.

P.S. Chocolates would be nice.

My life in a nutshell

As I sit here typing a blogpost on my dying Itouch in the laundromat many things come to mind. But none of which I can share with you dear blogger. Oh no, those thoughts are for my (non-existant) diary alone. What I can tell you however is that this Shabbos I will be going to Monsey and I will get to see my beautiful niece once again.

(I am now typing on a real computer, my ipod died after the word 'can').

I vowed to never be one of those people who broadcast their life, and their woes in particular, to the whole world. Honestly, I would rather keep all my problems and sorrows bottled up inside then bother other people with my burdens. Unhealthy, some might say. But everyone has their ways of dealing with things.

On the other hand, I am not the type to pop back up in a year or two to say, "oh by the way I got married and have a child now." I am of the opinion that good news should be shared. (Meaning an engagement.)

I also vowed to never discuss shidduchim and dating like it was a an item on the menu. Whether people talk about shidduchim bitterly, or put a humorous spin on it, I am of the opinion that it shouldn't be discussed, period, besides for with parents and close friends.

So if I can't talk about dating here, and I can't tell you what I'm really feeling and thinking and what is really going on in my life, then what can I say?

Sometimes silence is best.

I will be sojourning soon to another country for the occasion of my friend's wedding. It is a country we call our neighbors, but I don't give it much credence. Tis called the land of the Canadians.

Toronto, here I come.

Use caution

Two snow days in a row can make anyone go crazy. The funny thing is, it is not snowing out. Yesterday it hailed, and today the roads are frozen over.

What I am afraid of most: an icicle falling on my head and injuring me. And slipping on the ice and injuring myself.

Either way, today it is safest to stay inside.

Ten Years

I hate the picture. I mean, I know you are supposed to hate it, and universally it is like a 'let's hate our pictures' club, but I really hate it. He made me take off my glasses so there wouldn't be a glare. Today I looked better with my glasses on, I just know it. It was a lose-lose situation. 

I am talking about my new passport picture. The one I will have for the next ten years. 

Ten years. It feels so final. Ten more birthdays. A husband, children, a job, a house. Who knows what will happen in the coming ten years? It is weird to think that this picture, and the passport I have yet to get will be with me for that long.

A picture is a moment frozen in time. G-d willing I will look different by the time the next picture comes around.

Here's to a great ten years for everyone. Health, and happiness, and lots of good things.

Why I cry

You ask me why I cry

But I can't tell you why.

My mouth fills with saliva

As I try to chew my food

I try to swallow but I can't.

It is caused by the tears in my eyes

that won't stop falling.

They pool like a river in front of me.

I cry so hard until I can't breath

Silent sobs shaking my body.

My stomach clenches and I want to let it go.

I want this to end but I

Can't

Stop

Crying.