The Fat People of America (TFPA) Move to Ban McDonald's

In a radical move on Monday, The Fat People of America have presented a motion in which they request the removal of all McDonald's across America. When asked what the reason for this outlandish move was, they responded, "McDonald's is the #1 cause for obesity across America. We are fixing the problem by starting at the source."

Their motion was denied, as the committee was mostly made up of Starving People of America Who Can't Cook (SPAWCC). McDonald's will be safe. For now.

These two bumper stickers illustrate my point quite well:

Sometimes kids are brats. We all admit that. A parent's job is to discipline their children and not give in to their every demand. Kids shouldn't get whatever they want because a parent can't stand that they are throwing a temper tantrum in middle of the store, so they shove candy in the child's face to shut them up.

In this interesting must-read article, check out who the parents blame for their children's temper tantrums:

Dozens of recent comments on a Park Slope parents message blog said ice cream vendors need to leave the area, especially places around the playgrounds and parks, to help avoid afternoon meltdowns and temper tantrums from children craving frozen treats.

“Go somewhere else, go on another corner because…it does make it too tempting for them,” Debbie Markovic said Monday as her lactose-intolerant daughter begged for ice cream. 

Um, hello lady, so teach your child some self-control!

Though a sentiment exists among some to move the ice cream trucks, some frozen treat fanatics said banning a staple like Mister Softee is simply un-American.

“A little extreme, a little treat is a good thing,” one woman said.

“They’re walking down the street and my kid wants everything, every toy they see. Does that mean we should ban every toy store?” another woman said.

A city agency said banning ice cream trucks would have to be done legislatively citywide or statewide. They said to ban the trucks just in Park Slope would be impossible.

One parent jokingly said not until celery trucks go around playing fun music should the community consider banning the ice cream trucks.

Community Board 7 said it gets complaints about noisy music from the ice cream trucks or even safety issues regarding parking. However, an all-out ban for health reasons is unrealistic because the trucks are run by private vendors and parents have the option to say “no.”

 Here is where we see how society is deteriorating. Parents expect other people to do the child rearing for them. Instead of teaching their children good values, they want a cop to say it is not allowed.

In a world where women have the option of using a surrogate instead of going through child birth,and  kids are raised by nannies because both parents work all the time, where do parents expect their children to learn good values if they don't teach them?

Banning ice cream trucks is not a solution. It is a band-aid for a much bigger problem.

P.S. This post is by no means meant derogatorily against fat people. I think fat people are great. The more the merrier. 

Sent from my iPhone

Why would a person want everyone to know that they were sending an email from their phone?

For some, it might be to excuse their atrocious spelling mistakes, obvious grammatical errors, and no caps whatsoever.

For others, it may be as a way of letting people know that they are away from their office, and can only reply with a short sentence.

It doesn't sit well with me. I don't see the need to let people know that I am replying from my phone instead of my computer. Seems unnecessary to me.

Whatever the case, underneath said emails it says,

"Sent from my iPhone".

Or in other cases,

"Sent from my Android".

Or in my case,

"Sent from my mobile device."

Now I am by no means jealous of iPhone carrying people. (Notice how they don't even capitalize the I in iPhone.)

But really, "Sent from my iPhone"? It is like they are purposely letting me know and flaunting it in my face that they have an iPhone and I clearly do not.

Thank you, iPhone people. Thank you very much.

-Sent from my mobile device

Cigarette Break

So what do you do at work if you don't smoke? Take a drink break? (Okay what if you don't drink coffee either? Yes, unfathomable.)

My job mostly consists of sitting at a computer all day. It gets very tiring. Even if I do nothing all day. (Yes, you read that correctly. I get paid to do nothing. Yes I know, it's awesome. Yes you wish you were me.)

Today I stood outside in the rain. It was refreshing. I thought, here I am standing outside looking like an idiot because I don't have a cigarette in my hand. Which is when I thought "hmm I should really take up smoking."

Okay breath. I'm not really gonna start smoking. I have no desire for my lungs to be the color of charred ash.

Here is a list of 10 things to do on your cigarette break if you don't smoke:

1) Go to the local supermarket, fill up a shopping cart with food that you would like to buy, and then when you are done, leave it in an aisle and casually walk away. (I recommend you leave your wallet at the office. Especially if you work near a store like Pomegranate.)

2) Sit at the bus stop and stand up when every bus comes by, wait till the door opens then shake your head like you just realized it's not your bus, and sit back down.

3) Run around the block 5 times. Good exercise.

4) Go into the Yeshiva across the street and sit in on a shiur.

5) Sit down in the local pizza store with a newspaper in front of you and act like a real-life spy. (Dark sunglasses and a trench coat would help with the affect.)

6) Cross the same street back and forth, and see how many times you can do it before the light changes.

7) (If it's raining out) Jump in the puddles.

8) Tell your boss that you totally need a pool table at work so you can play during breaks. (To which he politely responds that you don't get breaks. To which you politely reply that you don't know how to play pool.)

9) Ask a random stranger to race you to the end of the block. Say "ready set go!" and take off, even if they don't join you.

10) Go to the pharmacy next  door and read all the trendy magazines until they tell you that you have to pay for them in order to read them.

Or forget this list and take up smoking. Then your smoke break will really be a smoke break, you can do it more than once a a day, and you have the advantage of wearing super cool dark sunglasses, holding a cigarette in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other, and looking cool and aloof when people walk by.

Authors note: I have never actually done any of the things on this list. But tomorrow is a new day!

Why are you seeing this advertisement?

I keep seeing these expensive sunglasses around the web that I would really like to own.

And converse all stars low top sneakers.

And a really cool expensive cell phone that I do not need. (Except I do, since my phone is a piece of junk and shuts off all the time.)

Why am I seeing these advertisements?

Because 'The Internet' watches me. It steals my cookies. It follows me. It goes where I go, it sees what I look at and what I search for.

And then it says, in a deep enticing 'come-hither' voice,

"Buy me. You know you want to."

Yes. I want to. I would love to. But I can't. I don't need it. I'm trying to save money. I just took 2 vacations this year. I don't need designer sunglasses.

Ever notice in gmail there are ads on the top and sides of the page? They take key words out of your email and target them at you. They use your words against you. 

So if, let's say, you were talking about weddings- okay na it's not working right now, all they want to do is offer me free banking. It won't work. I'm perfectly happy with my bank. (Sort of. It works. For now.)

Okay now it's telling me about Bentleys, Fords and diamonds. C'mon Web, I HAVE NO MONEY! (Okay some money. A little bit. Not enough to buy a car. Or a diamond. Maybe a hot tub. That's about it.)

There might be a way to turn it off. I'm sure there is. I've tried. But they just keep cropping up. It's creepy. Like someone is watching you. And then they whisper, "We know you want the Kindle... No one is going to buy it for you for your birthday... (Which is coming up this month by the way.) Buy it.... Buy it....."

Well. they are fools. Yes, the Web is a fool. Because I am immune to its charms. I am above it. I will not give in. So stop following me around.

(But those sunglasses are really nice though. Dreamy sigh. And it is my birthday soon...)

No! That's just what they want!

I will not let them win.

Stop stealing my cookies!

My Son is Deaf, Finally!

I think this constitutes as child abuse. Watching this video made me sick. These parents are incredibly selfish.

"It's okay for hearing babies to be deaf". Why would you take away a beautiful wonderful gift that Hashem gave us? Why?

It's like telling your child that you will cut off his legs so he will feel the joy of being a paraplegic. It is one thing if a person is born that way. He learns to adapt, to do without, to find the beauty in his differences and in his other senses.

But to take away a child's hearing solely because you want your whole family to be deaf? That is a sick twisted thing to do.

Thoughts?

POST SCRIPT: I wrote this post before I finished watching the whole video. Now that I have, I see the man's point. However, seeing it from a different perspective doesn't change much. If a deaf person had the opportunity to hear, why not take it? Yes, a person is born that way. Yes, being deaf is a whole world on its own. Yes, it maybe should not be called a 'disability' or something to be ashamed about.

BUT ultimately, you are missing out if you can't hear. You are missing one of your senses. So if you had the opportunity, why not take it?

This man is arguing against parents forcing it on their children. The parent just wants what is best for their child. That can be said in many areas of life. Ultimately the question becomes: Is it their decision to make?

Food for thought.

Damsel in distress

As much as feminists go on about how women are strong and independent, and we can do everything a man can do, and we are self-sufficient and don't need any help thank you very much, there are just some things that you need a man for. Or when it feels nice to have a man around.

-To do heavy lifting. Yes, some men are small boned and delicate and some women are burly and strong. But it goes without saying that men have more physical strength than women do.

-To change a tire. Or car trouble in general. My father or brother are the first people I call when I am having car trouble.

-Computer problems. Most guys have at least a basic knowledge of computers. Or they make it up. But hey if they sound like they know what they are doing, why not give it a try.

-(For some women) To kill bugs and other creatures. I've seen my fair share of bugs, cockroaches, mice. It is not pretty. Even if you do not run screaming from a room, it is pretty unpleasant to have to kill one.

-(Sometimes) For sound logical advice. If you are looking for a solution, straight up no-frills advice, don't go to your girl friends. Guys are by nature more level-headed and logical when it comes to giving advice. Real advice, not "Does this dress make me look fat?". The answer to that question is, "Don't ask a question you don't want the answer to". And you know you don't.

I'm sure there are a lot of other things men are good for. And yes, we can protect ourselves. But sometimes it is just nice to have a man do that for you.

When I was in a car accident and all the local members of shmira (the Jewish volunteer police) came to my aid, basically surrounded me and asked me if everything was all right. Yes, I could protect myself just fine. But it was nice to have a little back-up.

When I got lost driving my friend to the airport at 5 am and I called my father for directions. (This was before he bought me a GPS for that explicit purpose.)

When the car I was driving started smoking, and I called my brother. Who told me to get out of the car and run the other way.

Every day at work when I ask my co-worker for help. Yes, I run the risk of making myself seem like an idiot, when I tell him frustratingly that the program I'm using is malfunctioning, and he points out that I need to click on the window so that I'm actually in the program and then it works just fine. Points to him for not laughing at me. And at least I can laugh at myself. And I am not afraid to ask him another (sometimes idiotic though not intentional) question.

If the world was made up of just us females, yes I'm sure we would rise to the challenge and figure out how to change a tire.

But you gotta admit- it is much more gratifying having a big strong man do it for you.

We are not helpless. We ask you to open jars to make you feel good about yourself.

To all guys out there: It is so nice to have you around :)

Where are you

I looked for you today,
in the shafts of sunlight coming through the trees.

I tried to see you,
in the leaves dancing across the street.

I listened for you,
in the sound of the wind rushing by my ears.

I tried so hard to find you,
wondering where you were.

I forgot,
as I sometimes do.

That you are right here,
by my side.

It is hard to remember,
as the sheen of tears in my eyes blind me.

It is hard to remember,
when I am hurting.

It is hard to remember,
that you hurt with me as well.

Indeed, G-d, you were right here by my side.
All along.

And you would never leave me.
I believe that with all my heart.

And yet,
I wish you would show yourself.

And not make me wonder.

I will keep looking,
until I am sure that I have found you.

Until I am certain,
that you are here, and everywhere.

Until my hearts feels it too.

If you cut me

Would I bleed?

I'd like to believe that I would bleed color. Swirls of orange and green, bright yellow, and turquoise, purple and gold.

I'd like to believe that I would bleed happiness.

That I would bleed the smell of fresh cut grass, and chlorine. The smell of summer in the air.

 If you cut me, what would I bleed?

I'd like to imagine my thoughts spilling out of me in wisps, for all to see.

I'd like to bleed poetry, sweet words, and songs of love sung by angels.

I'd like to believe I'd bleed crimson, like paint. That I could take all that is inside of me and paint a masterpiece. And it would be me.

And you would get it.

If you cut me, what would I bleed?

Me. I would bleed me. 

The Man in the Orange Socks

Art by Yitchok Moully

Be the man who stands out in a crowd. The one who isn't scared to be different then everyone else.

Be the man who is comfortable being himself.

Be the man who dares to try new things. The one who embraces life with all it has to offer.

BE the Man in the orange socks, because he is forever unique.

And, well, he's wearing orange socks.

Which makes him AWESOME.

Hey Honey, can I have yo money?

"How much can you spare? No, 10 dollars just ain't gonna cut it. I thought that money was gonna get me out of this hole. Now I need some money. I gotta get out of this hole. Baby, baby, baby, how much can you spare? I told you, whatever you got. No, not 10 dollars."*

Hey honey, can I have all yo money?

Maybe he was doing a drug deal. Who knows. But I don't think he's gonna have a honey for long if he keeps hitting her up for money.

(*Conversation overheard on the Subway. Oh, the things you hear...)

Appreciation

I hung your note up on the wall, a smile across my face. I don't know you. You don't know me. I am just doing my job. But your words, they make me feel appreciated.

It is so nice when you say thank you, and address me by name. It feels more personal that way.

I try so hard to do my job, to do it right, to make sure that I am polite and courteous to every person I speak to. I try my best to put you at ease, to give you the help that you need in a friendly manner.

It hurts when you don't return it in kind. It hurts when you accuse me of something I didn't do, and don't treat me with the same respect I give you. It is a frustrating feeling to know that no matter what you say to me, I still have to do my job. I will be nice and polite to you no matter how immaturely you treat me.

It is that much greater when you treat me nicely, and are pleasant in turn. It makes my job easier. And for a small moment, though I don't know you, and you don't know me, and we will never meet, we shared a moment, a touch of warmth between two strangers.

You made me smile today, just by saying thank you.

Back to life, Back to reality

It is hard returning to every day humdrum life after an extended vacation. I feel like I am in a different universe. I watched a gorgeous sunset today. And in a few hours, I will have to say goodbye to all of this.

Back to work. Back to life.

My apartment is devoid of food. I have laundry waiting for me. Bills to pay. Work to do. Goals to attain.

Reprieve is over.

Hope everyone had a really nice Pesach. I know I did.

Onward to Shavuos!

Fear

My heart is pounding in nervous anticipation. There is no turning back now. I grip the handle tightly, so tightly my knuckles turn white. I think. It is pitch black and I can't see a thing. 13 stories. That's what they say. I feel us going up. I am slightly nauseous. No screams will help. No one can save me now.

The door opens. I can see outside. It is such a great view. Gorgeous. I can see for miles. We hang there, suspended.

And then we drop. 13 stories. I hear myself scream. My mouth is wide open and I can't breath. My stomach goes up as my body falls down. I am free falling.

And then we go up. And fall all over again. It is the scariest feeling.

Thrill. That's what it is called. People enjoy getting thrills. Because it makes their heart pound and their head rush and it makes them feel alive.

Some people bungee jump. Some people jump out of planes. Some people go on roller coasters.

I went on The Tower of Doom in Disney World. An elevator that keeps on dropping you until you scream, until you are so scared that you dread the next fall, and at the same time you crave it, that feeling of nothingness, that feeling of not being in control. The thrill of the fear.

Humans can only take so much fear at one time. We have a natural fight or flight mentality. When we are scared, our natural instinct is to run.

In little controlled doses, such as a daring ride or a horror movie, it is a thrill. Too much, and it turns into a terror.

I think I left my stomach behind on that ride. And that was thrill enough for me for my entire lifetime.

Hope everyone is having an awesome Pesach! I am truly enjoying my vacation.

Be well.

Judgement Call

You have to know when to walk away. My mother always taught me, "Walk away from a fight". Sometimes, it bothered me a lot. Why shouldn't I stand my ground, to prove that I'm right and the other person is wrong? Why shouldn't I fight for myself?

There is a difference between fighting for what you believe in, and simply fighting. Because you want to be right, because you can't stand being wrong.

It takes a real man to walk away from a fight. To put down their fists and let it go.

It takes a real man to stay silent in an argument that has no cause.

Sometimes, you need to make a call. Stay and fight it out till the death, or walk away.

Sometimes, it is better to walk away. Save yourself a headache. Let the other guy win if it makes him happy.

Be the bigger person.

Creating Memories

House is so quit. Just as I like it. So I can think, undisturbed. But tonight is not a night for thinking. I am so tired, exhausted beyond belief. I need sleep.

And yet here I sit, enjoying the silence. Reflecting.

I finally went to Disney world :) I can now check that off my bucket list. To say I had an awesome time is an understatement. I have so many good memories to keep with me forever. Maybe one day I will bring my kids here to make some memories of their own.

Tonight is a night to reflect. To wonder. How do my actions affect people.

I am sorry. You are probably sleeping now. I will probably never apologize to you. Because it is not what we do. We harp on each other, we throw insults, and we never ever say we are sorry. Not because we don't mean it. But because we are not so comfortable admitting we were wrong.

I was tired. I was hungry. I was being grumpy. Those are all excuses. I know that. And I am sorry for letting it out on you, because it was so easy, because I could, because I knew you would just take it. And because I would probably never apologize.

It is hard to do the right thing when there are so many things going wrong. It is hard to be a good person when you just want to scream and nudge and tell everyone to leave you alone and stop bothering you.

The English language is a funny thing. Sometimes it fails you. Kids strike out with their hands when they can't use their words, and adults lash out. We say things we don't mean, or that we mean but should never say. We don't stop to think how it will affect someone else. In that moment, we are being selfish. This is bothering me, this is annoying me, this is all wrong for me.

It is so hard to stop, walk away, try to verbalize your feelings in a nicer way instead of hurling them unchecked at whoever is in your way.

But it takes a big person to say I'm sorry.

So I am. I'm sorry.

And I had the greatest day.

The place where memories are created.

Pesach in Orlando!!!!!!

Yes, I am sitting in the airport terminal enjoying the free wi-fi on my way to ORLANDO for Pesach!!!!!! I am very excited and looking forward to warm weather, fun times, private pool and of course DISNEY WORLD FOR MY FIRST TIME EVER!!!

I would like to take this time to wish all of you Humans of the World a kosher and freilechin pesach in every way, spiritually uplifting, good times with the family, and no need to be jealous of me. Okay, permission to be a little jealous :)

Have a good one!

Be Strong

I can hear the blood rushing through my head.
I can feel my heart beating in my chest.
Speeding up, erratically.
Like it knows I'm in distress.

Suddenly so empty, so quiet and still.
Wishing you were by my side.
But you are long gone now.
So here I sit and wait and hide.

Still so very much to do.
But I can't bring myself to move.
Tomorrow will come soon enough.
And I have nothing more to prove.

Take some time to collect my thoughts.
Decide where to go from here.
No more hiding, no more lies.
I will not run from the fear.

Heart has stilled to a steady pace.
The terrors of the night have gone.
You are still not here with me.
But I will learn to carry on.

And I will be strong.

Rant against the Post Office

"Hello, I am not here to help you, I have no information for you, I am wasting my time and yours, but I am getting paid for it so just play along."

Unreliable. Incompetent. Unhelpful in every way.

I shipped a package from New York to New York. Somehow it ended up in California. Why? I have no idea. Neither did the lady who called to tell me that yes indeed, my package is in California, she is not sure why, she is not sure where exactly it is at the moment or when it will come back or IF it will come back, and no she has no more information for me than I already saw on their website. Then why did you call me??? She didn't appreciate my dry sarcastic tone.

It is a joke. They lose your package. You open up a case number. They do absolutely nothing to help you. Someone calls you a day later and tells you the exact same information you already know. THEY. KNOW. NOTHING. I can't figure out why they pay people to call me to tell me nothing. I'd like that job.

Then, your package may or may not ever reach its intended destination. And if you didn't pay for insurance on it- shrug. Your loss.

I HATE the USPS!

My Rebbe and Me

Today is Yud Aleph Nissan, the birthday of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. There is even a Wikipedia entry on it.

Why is it such a special day?

Sometimes there are things that are beyond my comprehension. Try as I may, I just don't get it. I don't know why we are commanded to do certain mitzvos, I don't know why G-d makes things happen a certain way. There are times when you have to go beyond your intellect and feel it with your heart. Because your heart knows. Your heart yearns.

More than that, your neshama has a desire to connect to Hashem, to do the right thing, to be a good person. Put aside the intellect for a second, and just let the feelings in. Let them propel you forward to do the things that really matter in life.

I also liked this article by Rabbi Shmully Boteach.  He says about Chabad that "They have faith in their faith." And "When you are fortunate enough to have a leader who exemplified true selflessness, your altruism increases exponentially."

Happy Birthday Rebbe!

Keeping In Touch: Yud-Alef Nissan (Chabd.org)

Yud-Alef Nissan is the Rebbe’s birthday. A birthday is more than a day for songs and celebrations. Instead, a birthday is a day when mazalo gover, the spiritual source of a person’s soul shines with power. When we say “the spiritual source of a person’s soul,” we mean something more than our conscious thought powers. We have our thoughts and our feelings. And then we possess an inner spiritual core from which those thoughts and feelings spring forth. This spiritual core is the mazal that shines powerfully on a person’s birthday.

Since a person’s mazal shines powerfully on that day, he should use its influence to focus on his individual mission and align all the particular elements of his life with it. As the Previous Rebbe taught, on a birthday a person should spend time in solitude, thinking over the purpose of his life, correcting those matters that need to be amended, and making resolutions with regard to his conduct in the future.

The Rebbe’s birthday is not merely a personal event, affecting him alone. On the contrary, the very name Rebbe is an acronym for the Hebrew words , “head of the Jewish people.” The head contains the nerve center for the entire body, allowing all its diverse organs and limbs to function together as a single whole. Similarly, a Rebbe is a comprehensive soul whose life is lived in consciousness of others and whose efforts are devoted to tightening the connection between them. As such, the Rebbe’s birthday is a day which impacts us all.

What is the Rebbe’s mazal and where is it directed? In one of his letters, he writes: “From the days I began going to cheder (school) and perhaps even before then, I had a vision of the ultimate Redemption.” From his earliest childhood, and in every successive phase of life, the Rebbe devoted his efforts to creating a spiritual climate that will make Mashiach’s coming a reality.

On a day when “the spiritual source of his soul shines powerfully,” each one of us should think of the way he can help shoulder and advance this mission. The breakthroughs in sciences and communication of our era have created the backdrop for the Redemption. Its is our responsibility to create the conceptual foreground and make the values and principles that will characterize the Redemption factors that influence our lives at present. Anticipating the Redemption in this manner will precipitate its unfolding as actual reality.

Dreams really do come true

Mitt Romney is going to win the elections. I had a dream about it.

In my dream, his name was mentioned in The Hunger Games as the president of the Unites States. So obviously it is set in stone.

Time will tell.

Happy April Fool's Day!!!

And Happy English birthday to my niece who turned 2 (legally). My sister won't acknowledge it since we don't celebrate English birthdays. But poor kid since her birthday is on Chol Hamoade Pesach, so no cake. Worth mentioning.

When I was in 7th grade, as an April fool's day joke my whole class hung our coats on the ceiling. It was the kind of ceiling where you can push the boards up and put something in between the ceiling boards and the support beams. When my teacher walked in and saw this, she also hung her coat on the ceiling in the spirit of things.

Awhile later, my principal walked in, saw what we had done, and in a stern voice told us to take down our coats and that we would all have to stay later for detention. (Principals are such a drag.) Of course we told the teacher how unfair that was, considering she had joined in.

She explained the situation to the principal, and we got away with it. That time.

It is fun to have a day where people can freely prank each other, as long as they are not harmful.

Happy Fool's Day!

What's good enough for today...

Is stale tomorrow.

Suddenly the desire to succeed is so much greater, because you saw what heights you reached when you tried. And you are no longer satisfied with your stagnant existence.

It is like drinking cheap wine after having a taste of the expensive stuff.

Getting a B on a test after you got an A+.

It is failure, after you experienced success.

And failure is no longer an option.

It is so frustrating feeling like you are on a backwards moving walkway. Your destination just keeps getting farther and farther away, no matter how fast you run.

No, not everything in life is entirely in your control. At times, success may depend on other people in relation to you. Success is not a guarantee. 

But what those people may not understand is, they cannot stand in your way on the road to the top.

Not if you are willing to do anything to get there.

The question is, are you? Or will you be satisfied with a mere 95%?