And then a funny thing happened...

I left my phone at home today by accident. I noticed on the way to work. It was weird to pat my pocket and not find the familiar bulge. I was really tired, having gotten only 4 hours of sleep due to going to an out of town wedding and getting back at 2:30 am. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and sleep for awhile. Then my boss asked me to stay late.

I realized it is Chanukah tonight. I didn't forget, but I kept thinking, it's coming it's coming. Then suddenly, here it is. I have no menorah, I am all by myself and everything is overwhelming.

What should I buy? The prepared glass cups with oil? The empty glass cups, separate bottle of oil and wicks? Colorful candles? (That's pretty much out of the question since it's our minhag to be mehudar with menorah.)

I have a hard time making decisions in general. I stand there contemplating each choice, it usually takes me awhile to get to a conclusion. I finally picked out a few items and got on line. I asked the guy if he knows if these floaters will fit into these glass cups. He seemed as knowledgeable as I was on the subject. In these situations I wish I was a guy, or at least that I remembered the halachos we learned in high school.

I'm so tired. I'm so stressed. I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know why, but holidays always makes me emotional. I am walking down the street, there are people everywhere, Chanukah music blasting from stereos, electric menorahs atop of cars, mitzvah tanks filled with young overeager boys ready to go out and publicize the miracle of Chanukah to the world. And I can't deal with it.

I. NEED. SLEEP.

I hate the feeling of helplessness, that because this is pretty much my first Chanukah on my own, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm willing to trust the guy behind the counter if he told me what to do.

I miss my mother's big greasy latkes. I miss the 'shush shush nu nu' when everyone is lighting the menorah. I miss the 'open the door sloooowly so you won't blow out the candles'. My family is having a Chanukah party tonight and I won't be there.

Yes, this is me having a pity party. Yes when I'm tired and stressed I blow everything out of proportion. Sometimes I even cry. Yes, I'm a girl. How pathetic.

I don't even have a dreidel. What is Chanukah without a dreidel?

Me and my friend joked that we would go to a different donut shop each night of Chanukah and try different kinds. Considering the major amount of calories we'd digest, and the fact that I have no idea where all the good donut stores are I doubt we'd really do it. I was also going to attempt to make my own latkes until I realized I don't have a grater.

I need my mom to say 'aww poor Altie' and even though it doesn't change anything it makes me feel better.

I need to get into the spirit somehow cuz Chanukah will happen with or without me. And I'd rather enjoy it then let it pass me by.

I think I need some chocolate. Stat.