Contrary to Justin Bieber's song, I am not stuck in the moment. Sometimes I wonder where I'm going and where I will end up. But then I remember that just as I came from somewhere, so I will go somewhere.
It is reassuring and calming to read stuff I've previously written. It makes me feel real. sometimes I forget who I am. I forget that who I am right now was not who I always was, nor is it who I will always be. I forget that I once had goals, dreams, visions, plans. I forget where I was going.
I get stuck here, in this moment and I feel detached from past me, and future me. I feel trapped in present me. It is a feeling of desperation; that this is who I am and where I am and I will remain here forever.
And then memories flit into my mind. Of other times and places. Of thoughts I once had but are now forgotten.
It is so easy to get caught up in the moment, in this physical world and forget where you are headed.
But I remind myself of things. Things I've written, things I've tried hard to forget, and put out of my mind.
I know that just as there are experiences I try to forget, there are as many, and more that I yearn to remember, to relive.
I, in this moment, am only a minuscule part of my life, my existence, my purpose.
I don't feel stuck anymore, and I'm not. I know there is more to come, much more I don't know about yet.
I look forward to it, to the rest of my life, and looking back on this moment in rememberance some ten years down the line.
My memories and my writing are what keep me whole, and makes sure that I never forget who I once was, and who I am destined to be.
This moment- it is but a grain of sand in time.
who is justin bieber?
ReplyDeleteLOL. Certified Ash
ReplyDeleteWay too much to respond to in the last post so i will here - yes i'm new - i read some of ur older posts but never commented b4. Yes, i actually love the engliwsh language (another act of rebellion i guess) and read copious amounts of stuff - but damn i do loves me the slang.
Altie - I dressed like a "frummie rebel",complete with too much make upo, too short skirt and too tight shirt. which, btw, is sinful, unlike getting trashed and acting like a total jackass in public. Go figure.
i used to feel stuck in place - but it's amazing what self discovery (and a good shrink) can help a person accomplish. And a healthy dose of rebellion too. Thus the PArents cannot understand me - and they like eveyone else just brand me a rebel and "at risk". if only they knew
whatever - -to borrow from the blogger's profile, it's all good
Wow. Powerful post. It is so true. You cant get stuck where you are now, you must keep moving.
ReplyDeleteOn that note. I've noticed that I am being referred to as 'dreadlocks'. I would like to request that I either be referred to as 'BD' or burnt dreadlocks. The name has deep intrinsic meaning. Dreadlocks are like a rope, something which binds you down. Fire on the other hand, as explained in chassidus is something which jumps up, it always strives to go higher. The idea of burnt dreadlocks is that you must burn the dreadlocks. Dont let yourself get tied down. No, you must constantly move forward and higher. Therefore, calling me plain 'dreadlocks' is contrary to the whole idea of my name.
@ Mushkaronius. Your second paragraph is half decent use of slang. Although lengthening your sentence, it brings out a point.
Its funny, I was recently thinking the same thing. I was reading my first few posts, and looking how much has changed since I've started my blog, which isnt all that long ago!
ReplyDelete@ Mushkaronious Your comment was my inspiration for my post today.
Life On A Cotton Ball:Parental Approval
Hmm - I guess I better come clean before this gets too out of control - i am not Lubabitch - In fact, i don't even live in Brooklyn (scandal alert!!). I dunno why i used Mushkaronious, except so many ppl who follow this blog, as well as Blogger herself- are all lubabbitch. So there's that then.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm flattered I was the subject of a post on ur blog kind sir - but what's going on in my life is way beyond a simple (well its never simple is it?) issue of parental approval of my choices. Like, way beyond.
But, this isn't really the forum to discuss my issues. this is altie's space. So if anyone cares enough to tlak to me, i can give u an email address to use. but i dont wanna hog up altie's user comments section. doesnt seem right.
i also have a question for blogger altiec - i guess for all bloggers - do y'all find blogging to be a useful tool in expressing urselves? i could use a forum but im not sure publicly discussing my life is the way to go.
any thioughts? and again - sorry abt the m,isleading name.
Sigh - I hate this comment thingy - it totally ate my comment - DAMMIT
ReplyDeleteOmk the short version - I have to admit that Mushkaronious was a misleading nam,e to take - Im not lubabitch - I used it cuz so many ppl here seem to be.
I appreciate the post in my honor kind sir - my issues go way beyond my parents being unhappy with my life choices. But like i wrote , i dont feel comfortable hijacking alties space to talk abt it - id be happy to talk abt it with anyone who cared enough - i doubt there would be. I could give an email address and see what happens :)
Finaly - I asked all you bloggers how fulfilling you find blogging - I am interested in finding a good outlet and i was wondering how u all felt abt blogging.
Any thoughts appreciated
True, most of the active commenters on this blog are lubavitch, but probably not most of the readers.
ReplyDeleteIts not a post in your honor, its a post brought on by what you said. I dont know how smart of an idea posting your email address would be, but starting a blog may be a good idea. I love blogging. It is an amazing outlet. As an anonymous blogger I get a chance to express myself unhindered by others. You can express your feeling without being afraid of getting judged. (Personally, in 'real life' that doesnt bother me either, for the most part, but on a blog you are completely free).
So yes, starting a blog may be a wise idea. I just suggest you keep it anonymous.
BTW, your original comment did go through. If you subscribe to comments it was emailed to you.
ReplyDeletei do not subscribe to comments - just say they didnt show up here.
ReplyDeleteAs for my email - i'm not overly concerned but thanks.
As for bloggng - i'm still on the fence.
What i meant was that there is an option of subscribing to have any new comments sent to your email. If you do that, (which i did) your first comment was emailed to you.
ReplyDeleteAs i blog anonymously, I dont have my normal email posted, it is one for my blog. The amount of times people have emailed me with one simple question, and it turns into a string of 95 emails is quite high. It becomes 'loving spam'. Wanted at first, and hated after a few minutes.
I dont know where in life you are holding, but I think blogging may be a great idea. You will find the 'blogging community' as a whole to be quite warm, loving and accepting. Most of us use it as a support in some way or another, and therefore completely get it when others do the same.
I am not overly worried abt warm loving or accepting - If I blogged I'd blog for me - reader beware. I have a story to tell and thoughts to get out - I doubts anyone would actually read the thing anyway (though I WILL say im better at writing writing than quick off the cuff commenting)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely. However comments and feedback are always nice.
ReplyDeleteThats the point of blogging. It is a platform to share our feelings and stories.
See, this is what i meant by hogging up poor altie blogger's blog. :(
ReplyDeleteLOL. As long as it generates traffic, our esteemed director/hostess/blogger probably doesn't mind. This is sort of the point of having comments enabled, to allow open discussion. If it really makes you feel bad I dont mind if it is moved to my blog ;ppp
ReplyDeletei have much more interesting perosnal stories to tell if generating traffic is a goal....
ReplyDeleteGenerating traffic is always nice. Its nice to look at your analytics and see that your visits are 'up'. Im seeing a pretty interesting blog ahead if you ever decide to start one. Make sure if you do you let us know :)
ReplyDeleteCertified ash- Justin Bieber is a teen pop star, very famous just search his name on google or youtube. I was just borrowing the title of one of his songs, "Stuck in the moment".
ReplyDeleteMushka- your 'Frummie rebel' costume does not sound like a costume at all. Had I seen you in the street I would have assumed that's how you dress all the time. Although as someone pointed out, costumes bring out the real you, just magnified.
You say people brand you a rebel, and yet all you can talk about is how you enjoy rebelling. Maybe there's something to what they say.
Burn dreadlocks- your name is quite long to type, even to say, so maybe I shall refer to you as BD like you ask. Honestly, when I first saw your name the significance was lost on me. I pictures someone burning his peyos, and thought you were using the name as a sign of rebellion, like throwing off the yoke of Torah. Thanks for clarrifying.
Mushka- I do think you should start a blog if you feel the need for self-expression, but I don't mind you talking about yourself here. As to my blog, I started it as an outlet for my thoughts and it kind of morphed into something. I enjoy writing, formally and informally, so this is a place to talk to write my opinions, to hear other people's opinions, etc. I like having this. Blogging has become such a part of my life I cannot imagine myself without a blog.
And like the proff said, blogging is a good way of garnering support from others, or even the illusion of having friends :)
Lol. So we have still not decided what to call me. I don't need a title, I'm just Altie. And yes I'm fine with you two talking on my blog. I don't get emaild on my phone so I respond when I get to a computer. But if it keeps you busy...
Cymbaine- I have to say that doesn't sound like a real name. Where did you come up with it? Also I have to tell you I am pretty convincing when it comes to convincing people to start a blog. I already have a few scores. So if you really wanna start one then go for it. I'm sure the proff will be your first follower. :)
BD- forgot to tell you thanks for your comment regarding this post.
At times, a title is definitely needed. Plain 'Altie' just wouldnt cut it.
ReplyDeleteYou should invest in a smart phone. It is so much more convenient t be able to respond to comments (and emails)from your phone right when they come in.
I'll do even better than that, I think you even got a place on my blog roll :)
Altie - you are working off a misconception - I said others see my behavior as rebellious. however i do not - I believe that i'm acting like a normal person my age - but the way i act des not fit into the acceptible norms of the religious "level of my family". i simply don't really care abt that standard - it works for them, not for me. If that is rebellion, it assumes I should be forced into someone elses model.
ReplyDeleteIt is rebelling from the system which you were placed in. If that is a problem, no. It is the normal thing for someone to do, to find their own direction. I would probably use the word searching or something like that.
ReplyDelete"I believe that i'm acting like a normal person my age " - that is insinuating rebellion. It would be different if you said- I intellectually studied my religion, and this is the level I decided to be on, this is what I took out of it. What you are saying is that you used no thought in your decision, this is just what you FEEL like doing at this time.
ReplyDeleteCan I ask how old you are or do you feel uncomfortable saying?
Proff- are you offering to buy me a smart phone? I do have a birthday coming up.
Um - I think you read in too much to comments - "I believe" to you means "no thought was put in to this process"? What it means to me is "based upon my empirical process, i think this to be the case" - it's less egotisticall than coming out and saying I'm right :)
ReplyDeleteI just turned 20 - mazal tov to me
First off, Prof would be with only one 'f' as professor only has one.
ReplyDeleteRe. the smart phone, I suggest you buy yourself one, have me in mind as the inspiration, and consider it as if it came from me. If you want my suggestion, I love the new Dell Streak.
Anyhow, in seem not to have luck when it comes to sending birthday presents.the last one I sent was lost by the USPS (u may recall the post) The actually just got back to me today, and I should be refunded by the 1st.
Happy birthday! I think I will take the cue from BD, and congratulate you on the vocabulary used in your last comment:)
ReplyDeleteModerator, I will have to concur with Cymbaline. I think that you may be nitpicking a bit too much in what she said.
OK guys - I took the plubge - thak you Altie and especially you, Prof in steering me that way - I have a very short initial post up - just to start - the name of the blog isd Scenes from a Kosher Restaurant- and the address is http://cymbaline91.blogspot.com/ - check it out - or not.
ReplyDeleteHa! I got the first comment. Why did you choose that name, if you dont mind me asking?
ReplyDeleteAsd i said, you earned yourself a place on my blog roll. (suggestion, you may want to turn off word verification for commenting on your blog, it makes it more user friendly.)
Cymbaline is a song name - from my fave band of all time - Pink Floyd - from their album More - which, incidentally, is where that picture is from too.
ReplyDeleteShkoich! I think that's a good step.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a moderator. And I'm not being nitpicky. What you say should be what you mean and vice versa.
I did say what i mean. You simply misunderstood it :)
ReplyDeleteGosh! i thought I had finally come up with the proper term and then you rejected it!
ReplyDeleteNitpicking may not have been the right word, but you focused on one word instead of the complete message, which I think really did seem genuine.
LOL ENOUGH - no one is here to see me n altie get into a fight about my throw away words on her comment section - what i meant was -i have spent COUNTLESS hours thinking abt myself and my place in Judaism - and while it may not fit my parents ideas or my community mold, i am personally very comfortable with who i am. i make certain....adjustments while i am under the financial roof of my parents (which i think is only fair), we basically have a deal, i lay low and they pretend im little miss follows their rules. it works out fine for now
ReplyDeleteomg - i think bloggnig might be contagious. Why didnt anyone warn me?
ReplyDeleteWhy do you say that? If it is in regards to making a second post, addicting may be the word you are looking for :)
ReplyDeleteOMG - everyone's a critic :) Indeed you are correct. Addicting was the word i was looking for Prof
ReplyDeleteCymbaline- I would have put you at age 17, since that is when most kids go through a 'rebellious' stage. Usually by 20 it is resolved.
ReplyDeleteBtw prof(f) I am not gonna buy myself a smart phone and give it to myself in your name. That's just rude. Also, I am fine with my dinosaur phone, and it is okay to not have to respond to every email the second you get it. You should try it sometime.
17 is already in the middle of the stage :)
ReplyDeleteOk, treat yourself:) BTW I just thought of an idea. As you have an itouch, put skype on it, and get a mobile hotspot, and bingo, u have both a phone and internet with you in all places.
I cant anymore. It has become a part of me. Im dreading going home for pesach. I have a canadian cellphone which will be super expensive to use in the US, so i will be stuck. I will go out of my mind :(
Oy the youth of this generation...
ReplyDeleteMy itouch dies easily. Plus if I had internet in the dorm there wouldn't be a problem.
Hey, u still count as part of it ;pp
ReplyDeleteWhy does it die so quickly? they generally have decent battery life? Being that u dont have internet in the dorm, thats what u would have to do, AND internet in your dorm doesnt help you in the super market, this does :)
I like to think of myself as above that.
ReplyDeleteIt has a sucky battery life. I don't know why.
It would only help if the supermarket has wifi. Which is doubtful.
Nopes. Just look at this blog, it is the epitome of youthful! You are still one of the clan!
ReplyDeleteThat is where the mobile hot spot comes in (chiching!)
I don't see what is youthful about my blog. And I feel my animosity towards adults ebbing as I get older, so I assumed I was one of them now. (Lol.)
ReplyDeleteI like your sound effects. I don't know what a mobile hotspot is.
The background, the way you write. Come on! Don't age yourself! I think this warrants a 'welcome back'! :))
ReplyDeleteIts a wifi hotspot that u take with you. Available from your local cellphone service provider.
Okay my father pays my cell phone bill, so anything 'extra' is out of the question. And stop trying to convince me cuz I'm not in a money spending mood.
ReplyDeleteWhy welcome back?
Thats the idea. This eliminates your cell phone bill. You are only paying for the hotspot, which in turn powers skype on your itouch which lets you have unlimited worldwide calling for something like 10$ a month.
ReplyDeleteTo youth. You seemed to have convinced yourself that you had left our elite establishemnt. I am in turn welcoming you back, now that it has been brought to your attention that you remain a member :)
I'm still not convinced. I'm on the fence. I'll be an adult before you know it, so hold your welcomes.
ReplyDeleteMy ipod does not have a mic. I can't talk into it. Scratch that idea. If I wanted to spend money i could pay for my own plan, maybe at&t or metro pcs for $50 a month. But the key word here is MONEY.
True, adulthood may be coming up, but that is even more reason why you should enjoy your last moments as a child.
ReplyDeleteIm getting it. Old generation itouch. K. The new ipod headphones have a built in mic.
The idea is to have this instead of a phone plan. BTW, now is actually the time to jump on the tmobile bandwagon. As they will prob merge with att, they will have the biggest network, and quite a powerful one. As of now, they are the only ones who still have unlimited plans. Once they merge, they will be no more. the idea is to get them now, and keep them for later. Just like the folks with the old sprint plans who pay 30 bucks a month for unlimited everything.
i can't type exclamation marks or smileys but this post is a win. exclamation mark smiley exclamation mark
ReplyDeleteProf- thanks for the tip, but as I already mentioned, Father+cell phone bill= me not having to pay so I'm happy enough.
ReplyDelete:) thanks Feivel.
Whatever floats your boat.
ReplyDelete