I don't want to go back

I'm on the bus going back. I don't want to go back, I want to stay here, with you. In this world, I am myself. I know who I am, and where I want to go. It feels so right here, like I belong.

Every time I go back, it's so hard for me to do what's right. There are two people fighting inside of me, trying to get the upper hand. And so many times, I let myself go, I fall. Because I forget.

When I am with you, there is no forgetting. Right and wrong is like black amd white. You do the right thing because you know that's what's expected of you. And because you want to, you know it's the only way.

In my world, there is so much grey. It's so easy to convince myself that what I'm doing is ok, that there won't be any consequences to my actions. But there is always consequences. If not from G-d, then from my conscience, eating me up inside.

So many times I question my decision. What if I didn't come here? What if I ended up somewhere else for the year? Would it have been easier for me to grow, to do the right thing?

But the question is null and void. To question a decision that was not mine is useless. Because this wasn't my decision. This was G-d's plan. I'm here because, for whatever reason, I supposed to be here.

It's not easy. When I see you, and your world, I long to be there. I have so many doubts, but when I'm with you, it all becomes so clear. When it's time to say goodbye, and go back to my world, I don't want to go. Because the second I step through the door, I forget. And I don't want to forget.

You told me to make a hachlata, a resolution, before I left. Just one thing, you said. All it takes is one small step at a time, to change. If you really want to change, you added. And I do, I truly do. If I let this year go by without any change, it would have been a waste of a year, and I can't do that to myself.

But I said goodbye, and we parted. And I didn't do what you said, I forget. But it's so much forgetfulness, as neglection. I didn't want to think about it, so it never happened. I left your world, and entered mine, and that was it. I was back.

I'm on the bus going back. I don't want to go back. I don't like what they have to offer me there. I'd much rather stay here, with you. It's easy here to do the right thing. But G-d put me there, where it's harder. He gave me a job to do. I don't know what it is, but I know I'm supposed to be there. And you will remain here, because this is where you're meant to be.

So I left. I'm back in my world now. I don't want to be here. Life is so confusing. I miss you, and your world. But G-d doesn't want me there. So I must go back.