It's something that just happens. You can't plan it, prepare for it, or even wait for it. It comes when we least expect it, and most often, when we don't want it. But we have no choice. Sometimes, we just have to grow up.
I feel like I'm straddling a very fine line between being a little kid, who relies on her mother for everything, and being an adult, all on my own. No, I'll be an adult relying on my mother. But one day I just opened my eyes and realized, the world wants me to move on. And I am not ready.
Every time I open a newspaper or magazine, there are stories in there I'd rather not read. Incidences that I don't want to believe are true. But that is the world's problem. They deny it. The child inside me feels like screaming at the 'grownups', 'fix it!! What are you doing to make things better, to make it alright?'
I read articles about child rearing, about kids going off the derech, about child abuse, substance abuse, spouse abuse. Why??? Is this what the world has to offer me? I feel like asking, hmm, do you have anything else? Maybe there are some other choices besides this society? Maybe I just landed on the wrong universe, I really belong somewhere else.
It scares me. In a few years, IY''H, I'll be having my own kids. I don't really want to bring them into this society, to see all the garbage of the world. What's the solution? Live in a little box? protect yourself, and your kids, and stay far away from people who are harmful, and bad?
But I am lubavich. As a chossid, we have to live outside the box, we need to be there for other people, be an example for the world. There is always an exception to the rule. I hope I am one of them. I feel like telling the world, don't worry, I'll be fine. I'm different, those things won't happen to me.
And I hope to G-d that they won't. I want to go on shlichus someday, and help people, spread a little bit of light in a dark world. I need G-d, and I need the Rebbe's brachos to help me survive.
Because I've finally grown up. And it's a scary thing.
I didn't grow up, and don't plan on doing so. And I'm two-plus years older than you. Don't worry about it- do the best you can the way you are.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone needs to grow up eventually. Besides, I want to grow up. I'm looking forward to it. I just wish I could grow up, but still retain my child like naivete.
ReplyDeletePerhaps, but I adamantly refuse to accept being called a "woman". I probably did grow up, and am just denying it, but I am still an immature kid...
ReplyDelete(There was a kid on the bus, and when I saw her looking at me, I started making faces. She cracked up, and I ended up getting up and standing beside her, making more faces and telling kid jokes...and she's twelve years old, and would thought I was joking when I said I'll be 21 in two weeks. We're about the same age, maturity-wise...)
You don't need to grow up, you just need to be responsible for your actions, and a) not fool others b) not fool yourself, c) not let others fool you. Other than that, stay a kid, it's more fun. :)