What now

It's hard to figure out remember who I am any more. Am I my social media account? Am I my dying out dwindling blog?
I don't know. I hate that I don't know but sometimes that answer must suffice.
More so, I hate that I can't figure it out. Who am I, on my own, without my family. Who am I when I'm not with my friends? Who am I? Am I my job? Am I my degree, which by now feels useless.
I hate how much I need people but even more that I don't feel comfortable relying on anyone.
I hate the way I feel exposed when sharing a part of myself ​with others.
I hate when I stay silent when there's something I really want to say.
All I'm hearing is hate. Yes, but is there love there? Do I have any to give?
I love waking up at 8 am on a Sunday morning to my 4 year old niece's face pressed into mine telling me "wake up, it's the morning".
I love when my nieces want to "play with me" (hang out), or rest with me in bed while I read a book, I love that they follow me around and want to know what I'm doing, I love that they call me to the table to sit with them while they eat dinner even though I'm watching a TV show on my phone and not paying them any attention. But they want me there. And part of me thinks, they're little, what do they know, maybe they'll grow up and hate me/shun me/discard me just like everyone else-- but maybe, just maybe they really do love having me around and I matter to them.
I hate that my family made me feel this way, like there's no where I belong right now, like I'm just floating or wandering aimlessly with no direction in mind. They're not even nice to me for the few minutes I stop in to get some more of my stuff, you'd think a month away would make them nicer, but no. No. I shouldn't have expected more.
Truthfully, I'm not really upset. I can admit that even if I want to feel upset or think I should. But I'm not. The situation is beyond my control and more so, I should have left long ago. What I'm realizing now is that I stopped taking control of my life, or maybe never really did. I just let things happen to me and then complained when things didn't go my way.
When I told someone that I'm no longer welcome at living at home and that I'm looking for an apartment, the response I got was "good for you".
Good for me?? How is any of this good for me?
But maybe it is. Maybe it's about time I take a direction in my life instead of waiting for things to happen, or feeling like the victim. Because I'm not a victim. I'm the product of a bad situation and unfortunate circumstances, but I cannot go around blaming everyone else for my problems.
And when I told my boss what I'm going through (contrary to a friend's advice that they have no business knowing my personal life) his response was, we all have things going on, but it shouldn't affect your work.
It's not. I don't think. Maybe. But I keep thinking this job is temporary and I'm meant to be doing something else, and yet here I am, not doing something else. So for the time being, I must admit this is where I'm meant to be.
And make a choice to be here, instead of wondering about all the other things my time would be better suited for.
I'm trying to convince myself as much as you. More so than you.
I'm trying to figure everything out, and I wish I could sound more clear about things, but right now maybe just taking it day by day is okay too.
And to the friend who took the time to find out my sister's address and send me a card with an encouraging message, letting me know she's here with me, thank you for making me feel like I'm not forgotten.

Periphery

Stay on the sidelines
Out of the way
Make yourself small
So they can't get you
Hurt you
Mock you
Make you
Want to

They've won
They've already won
Haven't they.
But is this really about
Winners or losers
Protect yourself
Believe in your integrity
Don't let her
Anyone
Take that away

It's hard not to cry
When I try to tell "Katie S" from Google support that my mother kicked me out of the house.

"Outdoors, we knew, was the real terror of life... Sometimes mothers put their sons
outdoors, and when that happened, regardless of what the son had done, all sympathy was with him. He was outdoors, and his own flesh had done it. To be put outdoors by a landlord was one thing—unfortunate, but an aspect of life over which you had no control, since you could not control your income. But to be slack enough to put oneself outdoors, or heartless enough to put one’s own kin outdoors—that was criminal." The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison

What can I say?
She's been horrible to me my whole life,
Cutting me down and verbally abusing me
She wants to protect her grown kids who can protect themselves
She thinks I'm the problem, the instigator
But I profess my innocence.

Right now it's not anger but pity I feel for her
And embarrassment
By the way she treated me
By the way she made me feel
By the way no siblings came to my rescue
Save one
By the way I felt shamed as I walked out the door
Trying not to let my head hang
Because dammit
I did nothing wrong

Yes it's hard not to cry
The one sister who sat with me
Outside when I was kicked out
At 9,
Cannot remember what I "did"
Who knows, she finds numerous reasons
To blame me for all her problems
And I sat there and cried
And this same sister
Who said "sure" without questions
When I asked if I could crash by her for a few days
Sat with me on the stoop
And tried to tell me
That don't worry
She still loves you

I never doubted that
But maybe
Just maybe
I hoped she would stop hurting me

And yet here I am.

Be Open

Sometimes you hear the words you need to hear in a song... Or in a TV show.
Sometimes you read the words you need to hear in a Facebook post... Or an advertisement.

You hear what you need to hear. Or you don't hear what you don't want to hear. Selective hearing.

Ever wonder why something feels so perfect at just the right moment? When you are thinking about something specific- love, or sadness or hunger- everything you see feels like it's directed at just that topic.

Sometimes you don't realize that it's easier to express your feelings than to bottle them up and present a resentful hostile face to the world. To the person you're upset at.

In the long run, though it may seem easier to hold a grudge and feel sad about something, perhaps as a way of distancing yourself or protecting yourself from the possibility of future pain- right NOW it's better to be open and honest and express your feelings to the best of your ability.

It leaves you open and vulnerable and it can be uncomfortable, but just imagine how much good can find its way inside you while you're standing there with the door wide open.

In a rut

The streets are filled with holes.

The more the snow falls, and melts the more the holes appear.

Were they there to begin with, only hiding? Or are these new craters, the products of a cold wet snowy salt-strewn wintry road?

The ruts and ditches can be dangerous as drivers swerve to avoid them at all costs, protect the life of their tires.

The roads are falling apart.

Come spring, they will be patched over with tar, a quick fix. Can we not afford a better solution? When next winter they will rot again.

Cover it up and cover it up and cover it up- until the holes become so big that swerving is an impossibility.

The ditches will be the norm, and the streets will be no more.

Just...Try

It's been so long I feel like I've forgotten how.
It hurts to write, but it hurts so much more not to.
Every time I've gotten the idea to write I've stopped myself. Or something...held me back.
Me. I held me back.

I want to try again.
I need to.
I can't let that part of me go
It's been dying slowly.

I speak a million words and say not one useful thing.

"I feel like tonight the bullies have won."

My thoughts the night before inauguration day.

I haven't gotten past my fear of speaking my opinion. Partly because I'm not sure of it sometimes, but mostly because it's hard for me to deal with the responses.

I could have been famous but I chose to be silent.

Well, not famous. Outspoken. Articulate. Headstrong.

What's the alternative?

They'll never know me.

And neither will I.

Ticket to Fear

Our eyes meet
She looks scared
Or, maybe I'm just projecting.
I smile encouragingly- read, lamely.

I'd be afraid
Suspended 4 stories above the ground
On a rope course
With only a harness to keep me from falling.

She makes it across
And keeps going
The next challenge looks easier
She's 9, what does she know about fear.

Below her I see a couple,
The woman goes first
And turns around as if to show her reluctant man
See, it's not so bad.

This is an illusion of danger
I'm sure if someone were to fall
They'd have to close the ride
And find out what went wrong.
That person, a statistic.

I'm sure they have you sign a waiver
But really, it's a rope course
With a harness
What's the danger?

Where's the thrill
In looking down
And seeing the ground way below you
As you try not to stumble.

As if
There's not enough terror
In the world
That you have to go out and create it.

As if
There's not enough death already
In the world
That you have to go out and greet it.

I never liked
Amusement parks
They don't amuse me.
I'd rather stay on solid ground.

You want to feel fear?
Imagine being in the burning towers
As they collapsed around you,
Or you jumped to your death to escape the flames.

Or being in the first, second plane
At the moment you realized
You would never again
Touch the ground.

You seek thrill
But this is a glass soundproof shatterproof bulletproof box
As the world falls down
Around you.

You won't be touched by pain
Here.
You won't see tragedy
Here.

As you follow the rope course
Your heart pounding blood
Taste of fear in your mouth
There are people running for their lives from a pressure cooker explosion.

They won't call it terror,
No, let's not jump to conclusions
It could be anything
Right, anyone could accidentally leave a pressure cooker here- with a cell phone detonator.

You make it safely to the ground
And take that tiny bit of fear home with you
Thrill-seekers, they are called.
Put your fear on the mantelpiece for all to see.

You walk across a rope course
With a harness
And no real danger of ever actually
touching the ground.

Real terror- you won't experience that
In your lifetime
So we created it for you.
Buy your tickets here!

How to Ask for Feedback at Work

Sometimes, most times, we have to work up the nerve to do something that scares us, makes us uncomfortable, takes us even a little bit out of our comfort zone. We ‘psyche ourselves up’, soothe our nerves with encouraging inner dialogue, like “you can do this” and “you’ve got this”.

Something as simple as asking for feedback from a new employer.

It’s not simple. It never is. But being a recent hire at a new company, and knowing that they are conducting ongoing interviews for additional positions, I got the feeling akin to a child knowing that their mom is having a new baby and feeling like they are being pushed out of the way, forgotten, unwanted even.

We all have ongoing inner dialogues in our brains, telling us all sorts of things, some good and helpful and some bad, unhealthy mantras that work to destroy us from the inside out. Why we do this is a study in human psyche, but we don’t always need to know the why, just that it is that way.

How does one ask for feedback without seeming needy and vulnerable? How does one essentially say, “praise me, like me, want me, tell me that I wasn’t a mistake” without sounding exactly like that?

First: Google it. Google tells me everything I need to know. Google says:

Be prepared. Ask your boss in advance for some time to meet and discuss a few things. This request can be in the form of a text or email. Do not elaborate.

Write down different points you would like to bring up. In my case, I wanted general feedback and a sense of how I am doing, being that I am coming up on the 3 month mark. I wanted to know if the company feels that I am adequately doing the job that they hired me to do. I asked for specific areas where I could improve, and brought in my own examples of things that were mentioned in the interview, which I was aware that now that my time was more full, some of it was being neglected.

My boss saw me in the morning and asked me if I was ready to meet with him. I was too nervous, so he told me to let him know when I was ready. I was trying to put my finger on it, that something that was making me anxious and unsettled particularly now, when things were going so well. Last week had been a stressful week, and I began to doubt myself and my abilities, question whether I was fulfilling my duties or if they would fire me at any second. The inner paranoia claws at you, whispers in your ear and makes you crazy until you just have to know, until you are ready to scream ‘Just do it already, fire me and get it over with!’

I debated whether I should even set up this meeting at all, but I finally decided that I needed solid feedback, specifically some sort of praise or encouragement, or I was bound to sink into a pattern of negative thought, whereby I convince myself that they don’t need me/want me/are looking to get rid of me.

I finally realized it halfway through the day. A visitor was buzzed in from outside, she came in hesitantly like she did not quite belong here, and said ‘I’m here for a second interview’. And that was it- the fear of being pushed out. I understood.

At my last job, I was there for about a year when I discussed with management that I needed assistance, that my job was too much for one person to handle. So they hired me an ‘assistant’ whom I trained in, and then they pretty much fired me. That kind of attitude creates a fear, an instability, that it can happen at any time, from anyone. Part of me realizes that this is just a job, but then again, it is where I choose to spend most of the hours in my day at the moment, it creates a stable atmosphere, it fosters trust and goodwill. Even as I logically knew that hiring for new positions would not threaten my own, I felt that I was not fully integrated in the company yet, not quite secure.

I finally got up the nerve to meet with my boss after lunch. I started off by telling him that I was looking for basic feedback and to make sure we were on the right page. He listened and let me speak, and then told me with such conviction that I had learned so much and grasped much more then they expected in this short time, and that it was tremendous how much I picked up. It felt good to hear it, even though they’ve mentioned it once before, and I knew it to be true.

He did give me some critical feedback, which was not a surprise to me, and then we discussed me taking on more responsibility and him not wanting to put too much on me at once.

All in all, it was a good meeting, and afterwards and for the rest of the day I felt like I could breathe easier, the stress was gone. I was no longer guessing or wondering or worrying.

Right before our meeting ended, he asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. I hesitated, and part of me fought to not say it, but it came out anyway:

“Do you think I’m a good hire?” (Validate me!)

“I think so”.

That’s what I needed to hear.

Wretched

It looked so peaceful in slumber, this beast that preyed on me so, my heart racing in fear as it came near and retreated just out of my reach, please let me kill you, let me end this now, we both know there is no future for you, but mine starts tomorrow and I can't go to sleep with the sound of your wings o’flappin in my ear, so towel swinging round and round you fly frantically in circles, the hunted one as I squeal when you come near, I hit you once and you go down, success is in my reach, but no, you're alive yet, crawling injured on the ground, your wings now useless, I swat you again and squat over you victorious, but it's ALIVE still! My heart, I jump and step while screaming, it's only a fly I know, but terror it'll follow me into my dreams, unless I let it rest now, be gone.

Observances @ 7 am

There's just something about this city, the greatest city in the world,

It's a feeling, elusive- so hard to describe though many many have tried, it's like spitting out your car window at a red light, it's suits with flip-flops and low cut dresses at 7 am, flats with heels hiding in bags, it's coffee on every corner, it's suits and ties with backpacks on bikes, it's window washing with the roar of traffic as your music, it's ‘not in service’ tour buses that have not quite yet awoken, it's id's worn round necks, it's the constant smell of smoke in the air, fighting to find parking, it's a feeling, a love-hate-indifference desire to fit in, to stand out, to be different and exactly the same, it's a smell in the air, renewal each morning, stooped shoulders and shuffling feet, dad bods with baby strollers walking dogs, running, breaking a sweat before the city has woken from its slumber, earbuds and headphones and sunglasses, leggings and neon orange sneakers and yoga mats and guitar cases, it's personality peaking out of every bag and every face and every walk and in the swing of every arm, it's gym bags and tote bags and shoulder bags and lunch bags and shoes with tassels, tattoos, it's coffee hot and coffee iced and tea, and ties not yet tied, it's stretching and waking and yawning and breathing and sunrise and shadows fading, it's knowing that you're in this city too but not having met you yet. It's the greatest city in the world, with slices and glimpses and snatches of millions of scenes that sewn together makes one haphazard disorganized beautiful breathtaking tapestry, and the longer you linger and watch, the more you’ll love it or hate it or yearn to know it, be a part of it, be one with it, lay down on the street and breathe in the smells and spread your arms wide and embrace the city that embraces all.

Puzzle Pieces

The pieces lay broken
well, not broken but misaligned
jumbled
disorganized
a kaleidoscope of color
waiting to be sorted
unraveled
put back together.
Once a huge slab
in a factory
mass produced
with fun in mind
or maybe just profit
cut up into little pieces
and packed into boxes
shipped off to all the little girls and boys
or the 20-something grown ups
who refuse to say 'grown up'
to try their hand at solving it
putting the pieces back together.
A collaborative effort
I sit in the lobby
of the library
at the table with two chairs
taking up both
and leaving room for none
I need this time alone
my back to passerby
who stop to watch
or contribute
this is not mine alone
but OURS
only, I have a problem with sharing
and come back as soon as I can
to finish the puzzle
I didn't start.
It's still there,
Ha! As if,
anyone else were smarter or better than I
No, this puzzle needs me
these people need me
so I sit day after day
1,000 scattered pieces
painstakingly put together
trying to force it won't help,
have patience my dear,
step back and look from afar
what is it you are missing
you can't see from this close
it should fit but it doesn't
it shouldn't fit and it does
the colors don't match
I can't find the one I'm looking for
and then it does
and then I do
and in a rush
like the last half mile of a race
when energy is lacking
but the runner sprints
speeding up the pace
almost done
all the pieces falling into place
it makes sense now
I understand
I see it
rather, it sees me
my hands are not doing this
the pieces find their spots of their own accord
and 5
4
3
2
1
DONE
take a step back
and breath
smile
it's 8:45 pm
the library is closing
no one is around to see my victory
no one but me will know
but I know,
I know
how much it took
to put the pieces of me
back together.

Soul Weary

I want to fight
To have the energy to stand up for what I believe in
But some days I don't know what that is
And most days I'm too afraid to admit it in public even if I do know where I stand
Most days I'm so tired
Tired of the fighting and the hatred
Coming from both sides
But too tired to feel love
Or pain
Or anything at all
My soul is weary
It is heavy and hard to carry
It's hard to explain why I don't see much to believe in at the moment
Or maybe it's not hard at all
I don't know where to go
For a safe space
For the truth
Who can tell me
Who can answer my questions
Who can give my soul the strength it needs to go on
I'm so
Tired
Of the fighting.

Chasing the sunset

I went chasing after the colors of the sunset tonight
As the sky turned from whites and blues to pinks and purples and blush, and finally a deep dark indigo, the color I'd imagine ink would be
I drove following the road and the sky
Watching it get swallowed up in the trees
As the road narrowed and the trees thickened and the sky darkened
And I lost my sense of direction
Assuming I had any to begin with
I let the road direct me as one by one cars turned corners and there were no headlights in front of me and none behind and I was alone on this dark road the sky was gone, but the smells, the sounds, the feel of my heart jumping as a deer appeared in my headlights
And the calm, the giddiness the happiness
That came with peace and contentment
Destressing
Reconnecting
Relearning how to breath
To think
Uninterrupted
And as the night turned darker and darker
And I began to think that maybe I should find my way back home
That is when everything started to become clear
And I am hopeful
That tomorrow will bring more clarity still.

The Hopefuls

I see no discernible path through the debris
But they do,
They make their way stepping gingerly over mounds of dirt
scraps of wood
piles of pebbles
particles, pieces
that start as nothing
and become something
become a house,
a home.
A mother, baby on her hip
a father helping a small child through the doorway
a handful more kids trailing behind
her with a snood and modest clothing
him in a white shirt and black pants,
traditional garb,
traditional is what we call them.
They step through the opening
disappearing inside
trying to imagine where their furniture might go,
or where they'd put their Shabbos table.
From its infancy
I watched it take shape
through my window
always watching
growing and shaping and forming by the day
imagining people and children and lights
and laughter
the place this family may soon call home.

Like an adult

The moon is bright tonight. It's so beautiful that I think if I blink and look away it'll be gone. It's hard to distinguish between the light of the moon and the lights of the parking lot. Even out here, away from the city it's still hard to get the beauty unfiltered.

It was a hot day today. I watched kids from morning till evening. We decided to turn on the sprinkler. The kids got soaking wet and loved it. They took buckets of water and dumped it over their heads while shouting "ice bucket challenge!" I'm not even sure how they know what that is.

I bought cherries. My mom loves cherries and I used to think I hated them, until I realized that I never actually tried fresh cherries and the only thing I had to go on were cherry flavored licorice and fake cherry flavored cake and soda. The first time I tried fresh cherries I wondered what took me so long to find them.

Today was the first day of summer. I miss summer. Even though I basically had summer weather this whole past year, whenever it's not summer, I miss it. And when it finally comes, I'm already sad anticipating its farewell.

It's been a year since I finished school. I miss that too. I never thought I'd say that about school, but I miss the classrooms and the learning, even the papers and the deadlines. The difference for me between being a high school student and a college student was my choices, my autonomy. I liked being able to choose my own classes and arrange my schedule. I like being in charge of my own destiny.

I have a job now. It's no different for me since I had various jobs for the past few years and worked all through college. The difference now is that I have a degree. I know it's not a magic wand and you don't just suddenly have this great awesome future handed to you when you leave college. I know it's hard work and things take time. But I thought at least that school would help me figure out what I wanted to do with my future.

I thought I'd be this big great writer someday, but I see all these people, essentially my peers passing me by and instead of feeling motivated or challenged, I end up feeling bad about how small my progress has been in the past few years and how my ship has sailed.

I'm an adult now. I have a job and a college degree and a car.

I'm an adult and I live with my parents and am currently debating about paying them rent.

I'm an adult and I sometimes cook my own dinners and sometimes just eat what's in the fridge.

I'm an adult and that means nothing to me, except that now I have to choose and pay for my own health insurance. Schedule my own dental appointments. Put myself to bed at a reasonable hour. Convince myself to not eat a bajillion donuts just because they taste good. Put on sneakers and go walking/jogging even though I'm tired and I don't really want to.

I haven't passed any major milestones and this is not just occurring to me. But every year I get older and wonder when I will feel like an adult. It hasn't happened yet.

Maybe this year.

Normalcy

I left to go to the supermarket, and ended up at the lake. I guess food was not what my soul really craved.

It is so peaceful here. Close your eyes, and you can hear the wind rustling the leaves, the water gently lapping at the rocks, the chirps of the birds and honking of the geese.

It says "no swimming" but I just want to dive into the water, swim across to the other side. I know I'd probably panic even though I know how to swim, because I get scared when my feet can't touch the ground. But the smell of the water, the smell brings back summers of long ago, at different lakes, the rocks cutting my feet but the water, like a hug enveloping me.

Routine is a funny thing. Since I started coming here to walk/jog a few times a week, I started seeing the same people here. The black couple with the stroller, the older Chinese guy, the frum girl rollerblading. Oh ya, the frumies. No matter how far I think I've gone from the community, there are always frumies there.

I'm beginning to make peace with it. Except I know they look at me because I dress differently than them. Or rather, they DON'T look at me. They stick out their arms for rides and if I stop they turn away awkwardly, avert their eyes because I'm a woman and that's not allowed. I'm forbidden to them.

I'm not bitter, I'm not mad. They have their ways and I have mine, mine which is currently undefinable as I try to figure out how frum or not I want to be, what is "allowed" and accepted versus what I feel comfortable with.

A guy I dated recently took issue with the fact that I'm not frum enough or not trying hard enough. He has a valid point, but it's not that I don't care or I'm not trying, I'm just taking my time and hopefully I'll get back to a place where I don't hate religion and the people who sully it.

I finally feel a sense of normalcy. I know normal is relative, but this past year has been hard. I left a job, finished school, moved to Florida, lived pretty much isolated from family and friends for 8 months, took two jobs and quit both, spent my days relaxing and chilling and any other word used to put a good spin on "doing absolutely nothing by choice". It was lonely and depressing and confusing and I felt lost and aimless. And all along I told everyone it was fine and life was glam and why not, who else picks up and moves to a new city, Florida no less!

I'm home now. My parents home. Not the home I would choose for myself but the home that chose me. My little brother who just finished/dropped out of yeshiva expressed annoyance at having to be home and I told him, you don't have to be here. And his response was "where else am I supposed to go? "

Home was not always the happiest of places, but I'm carving out my own space and realizing that right now, this IS my choice. Even if I don't always like it, I went away, I stayed away for many years, but I chose to come back.

I got a job. That was one of my provisions for coming back, that I would get a job and be productive. I hesitated and wasn't sure that I wanted it and it wasn't my first choice. But BH it is working out great, and I'm happy there. I feel like I'm getting back to a place of normalcy, that I'm finally moving forward and not standing still, frozen and unsure.

Going into summer always gives me a good feeling, and I hope to stay on the up and up.

Sending sun, wind and all good things.

Stop it Google!

Google chrome keeps trying to bookmark pages that it thinks I frequent. Every time I log on to chrome in my phone I don't see the bookmark I want, instead I see the ones that it wants, that it thinks I want. Who is IT anyway, Google is not a real person, it doesn't really know me, it takes a guess based on my history, it watches my every move and thinks it knows me, but it doesn't.

You don't know me! You don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. If I Google "how to get over a guy" maybe you'd think I was sad. If I searched for a recipe for cheesecake then you assume I love cheesecake. Yes I do but that's not the point.

Stop trying to tell me what I want. Stop trying to offer me assistance or ask me if I want to tag my photos with the places I've been, stop trying to guess my next move or interpret my every word.

Google, you are my right hand, you are as much a part of my brain as every thought, you walk me through life and teach me what I never learned or don't remember from school.

But you are not me, you will never be a part of me or know me well enough to know what I want.

Because what I want I can't have right now.

So stop trying to fill in for that.

How Can You

I used to write all the time. Happy moments, sad, blah or nothing, it got recorded. There's something cathartic about writing. A release. But it is also nerve wracking, it makes one vulnerable, exposed.

I didn't stop writing. It just trickled. Maybe I had less and less to say, or maybe it just got harder and harder to say it. It wasn't as important to me as it once was.

But it is important. That's the problem. I want to, but I can't.

I can't.

I can't.

I can but I won't.

It's a struggle. I struggle with myself and my thoughts, my emotions.

I struggle with my identity, my place in this world.

I just started a new job and most people there don't know my name.

But it doesn't matter. Why does it matter. I'm nobody.

Before you come into someone's life, you don't exist. They don't exist to you. People are just floating particles concentrated in a body. It can go any way.

It doesn't always go your way. Maybe it never does.

Sometimes you don't matter. Sometimes you want someone else to matter, but they won't. They can't. Maybe you are meant to cross paths and then never meet again.

I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate putting myself out there, I hate trying to make small talk with strangers, I hate trying to interpret words and gestures and find meaning where there is none. I hate pretending like I an do this, like I'm normal, can get dressed up and do my hair and nails and makeup and spend 3 hours with a virtual stranger and maybe one day meet a stranger who won't be a stranger any more. I hate that I can't talk about it, because I have to. But I can't.

I just can't.

See this is why I can't write. So much that I can't talk about.

I think I'll go eat some cake now. It's peanut butter chocolate fudge dulce de leche ice cream cake.

I know, right.

Fire in the Belly

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone. And, as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson, co-leader of the United States Department of Peace movement

I am grateful to a reader of this blog who introduced me to the above quote a few years ago.

I know what scares me the most- the thought that I might actually be able to succeed at something. That thought creates a desire, which creates the possibility of failure, which stops me in my tracks and freezes me. Suddenly, I can't breath.

I am scared to try and fail. I know that it's "better to have tried and failed than to never have tried at all" but what about the discouragement and dejection that comes from rejection? What about being to scared to try again?

I emailed a former professor recently for advice, and he was really encouraging. He let me know what he thought of my skills and where they would be most effective. Suddenly, he put this idea in my head that maybe I could actually do something substantial, be something.

I'm not saying I never believed in myself, it's just nice to hear it from someone else. Sometimes we get this fire inside of us that roars to life and propels us forward, urging us on to try things we were previously afraid of.

Sometimes that fire is what sets us free, sometimes it is what consumes and eventually destroys us. The choice is up to you.

In that vein, a quote by Joseph Campbell:

Rebirth

Do you believe in second chances? I do. We all get second chances, many many times in life. And third, and fourth. The question is, what do you do about it? Do you lie in bed with the covers drawn and let life pass you by? Or do you take the opportunity life handed you, and run with it?

My mother chose the first option for many years. She lay in bed with the covers pulled up, both literally and figuratively, and bemoaned the fact that she didn't know how to do anything, didn't have the skills, and that no one would want to hire her.

She tried, over the years, with odd jobs here and there. She even applied for some jobs and set up an interview, but got too scared to go and cancelled at the last minute.

Today, she came to me and asked me to make her a resume, and handed me two cut outs from the local papers of jobs she wanted to apply for.

First, I had to make her an email address. Yes, that's how behind the times she is. Then, procure a resume from thin air, one that would not get her laughed out of an interview. I have skills, and a way with words, but I'm not even sure my skills could turn her minimal work experience from the 80's and early 90's, as well as a barely half-finished college education into something substantial and hire worthy.

I'm sure she's scared, I'm sure she is terrified at the idea of getting a job and returning to the workforce after many years of raising kids and being at home. I'm sure she is just as scared of no one wanting to hire her.

I understand the fear, the doubt and the uncertainty surrounding the future, the desire to do something useful but have no idea what that something is. I understand what it feels like to be searching for a place in this world, a place to fit in, and perhaps to make a difference. And I want to help her, to give her a chance.

So I will turn her song-and-poetry writing, book authoring, mothering, volunteering, driving, cooking, shopping, hosting, sleeping, supporting, comforting, laughing, smiling skills into a resume that not only explains experience relevant to the position, but one that explains life experience- a living breathing human being who still has time left in this world and would like to make a contribution to society.

I do hope she finds her second purpose, (that's not to say us kids have stopped bothering her) and that she does not get dejected by rejection.

Taking chances is part of life. So go, do not be afraid to live.

Dress for Success

The birds here chirp at night. It's like they know something I don't know. One theory is that birds' sleep patterns are messed up by the constant bright lights at night that mimic daylight, and therefore do not know the difference between night and day.

Either way, I wish they'd stop.

We are finally in May, and yet the temperatures here are still pretty cold. I miss being able to walk out of the house and not worry about bundling up, except maybe if it rained.

I went clothes shopping, and I found this incredible top that I simply could not part with. It cost more than I normally spend on clothing, but when I tried it on, my face just lit up. It's like the blouse brought out the sunshine in me. It looked breathtakingly like a spring/summer breazy ocean day.

Sometimes we just want to dress a certain way in the hopes of being that person. I wore a blazer to an interview, and felt really confident walking around the supermarket afterward, like I was a somebody who had somewhere important to be, when in fact all that awaited me at home were some tv shows. A lot of it is about how you look, which impacts how you feel.

Dress powerful, feel powerful. Enjoy the approving glances.