Periphery

Stay on the sidelines
Out of the way
Make yourself small
So they can't get you
Hurt you
Mock you
Make you
Want to

They've won
They've already won
Haven't they.
But is this really about
Winners or losers
Protect yourself
Believe in your integrity
Don't let her
Anyone
Take that away

It's hard not to cry
When I try to tell "Katie S" from Google support that my mother kicked me out of the house.

"Outdoors, we knew, was the real terror of life... Sometimes mothers put their sons
outdoors, and when that happened, regardless of what the son had done, all sympathy was with him. He was outdoors, and his own flesh had done it. To be put outdoors by a landlord was one thing—unfortunate, but an aspect of life over which you had no control, since you could not control your income. But to be slack enough to put oneself outdoors, or heartless enough to put one’s own kin outdoors—that was criminal." The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison

What can I say?
She's been horrible to me my whole life,
Cutting me down and verbally abusing me
She wants to protect her grown kids who can protect themselves
She thinks I'm the problem, the instigator
But I profess my innocence.

Right now it's not anger but pity I feel for her
And embarrassment
By the way she treated me
By the way she made me feel
By the way no siblings came to my rescue
Save one
By the way I felt shamed as I walked out the door
Trying not to let my head hang
Because dammit
I did nothing wrong

Yes it's hard not to cry
The one sister who sat with me
Outside when I was kicked out
At 9,
Cannot remember what I "did"
Who knows, she finds numerous reasons
To blame me for all her problems
And I sat there and cried
And this same sister
Who said "sure" without questions
When I asked if I could crash by her for a few days
Sat with me on the stoop
And tried to tell me
That don't worry
She still loves you

I never doubted that
But maybe
Just maybe
I hoped she would stop hurting me

And yet here I am.