I don't know. I hate that I don't know but sometimes that answer must suffice.
More so, I hate that I can't figure it out. Who am I, on my own, without my family. Who am I when I'm not with my friends? Who am I? Am I my job? Am I my degree, which by now feels useless.
I hate how much I need people but even more that I don't feel comfortable relying on anyone.
I hate the way I feel exposed when sharing a part of myself with others.
I hate when I stay silent when there's something I really want to say.
All I'm hearing is hate. Yes, but is there love there? Do I have any to give?
I love waking up at 8 am on a Sunday morning to my 4 year old niece's face pressed into mine telling me "wake up, it's the morning".
I love when my nieces want to "play with me" (hang out), or rest with me in bed while I read a book, I love that they follow me around and want to know what I'm doing, I love that they call me to the table to sit with them while they eat dinner even though I'm watching a TV show on my phone and not paying them any attention. But they want me there. And part of me thinks, they're little, what do they know, maybe they'll grow up and hate me/shun me/discard me just like everyone else-- but maybe, just maybe they really do love having me around and I matter to them.
I hate that my family made me feel this way, like there's no where I belong right now, like I'm just floating or wandering aimlessly with no direction in mind. They're not even nice to me for the few minutes I stop in to get some more of my stuff, you'd think a month away would make them nicer, but no. No. I shouldn't have expected more.
Truthfully, I'm not really upset. I can admit that even if I want to feel upset or think I should. But I'm not. The situation is beyond my control and more so, I should have left long ago. What I'm realizing now is that I stopped taking control of my life, or maybe never really did. I just let things happen to me and then complained when things didn't go my way.
When I told someone that I'm no longer
Good for me?? How is any of this good for me?
But maybe it is. Maybe it's about time I take a direction in my life instead of waiting for things to happen, or feeling like the victim. Because I'm not a victim. I'm the product of a bad situation and unfortunate circumstances, but I cannot go around blaming everyone else for my problems.
And when I told my boss what I'm going through (contrary to a friend's advice that they have no business knowing my personal life) his response was, we all have things going on, but it shouldn't affect your work.
It's not. I don't think. Maybe. But I keep thinking this job is temporary and I'm meant to be doing something else, and yet here I am, not doing something else. So for the time being, I must admit this is where I'm meant to be.
And make a choice to be here, instead of wondering about all the other things my time would be better suited for.
I'm trying to convince myself as much as you. More so than you.
I'm trying to figure everything out, and I wish I could sound more clear about things, but right now maybe just taking it day by day is okay too.
And to the friend who took the time to find out my sister's address and send me a card with an encouraging message, letting me know she's here with me, thank you for making me feel like I'm not forgotten.
Perhaps the "good for you" came from a friend who saw your situation more clearly than you do - who understood that you need to get away and start fresh because the holding on is clearly not working for you?
ReplyDeleteI haven't been holding on for awhile now. Getting away is a blessing, but regardless it's hard letting go of those that should have been caring for you and did a pretty bad job of it.
Deletewithout question
ReplyDeletecertainly wasn't trying to minimize what you are obviously going through and how awful it must be.
ReplyDelete:) it's not all that awful. I have a safe place to live with the cutest kids in town. Some people can't even say the word safe before their place of residence.
DeleteAnd the letting go part- eventually cutting family out of my life will not work. Letting go in other ways- grudges, emotional baggage, hatred, feelings of inferiority or shunning, those I am working on. May take time, may never happen. Maybe I don't want to let go, maybe if I do then I am left with nothing. Hatred is a fuel.
For now, I feel nothing. Maybe numbness helps to cope. Who knows. I'm not a shrink and I'm assuming neither are you.
Nope but even as a non-shrink i can tell you that hate is bad mojo fuel. And numbness prolly aint all that great either :)
ReplyDelete:) I'll keep that in mind.
ReplyDeleteAre we done psychoanalyzing me for today?
yep :)
ReplyDeleteit clearly aint ur thing
Consider my position, conversing with an anonymous person, you can't exactly expect me to take you into my confidences.
DeleteAnyway, I do appreciate your comments, it has been awhile since I've gotten comments on my blog. This little forgotten corner of the world...
yea well i check in from time to time. never has it been as honest as it has been recently. perhaps it was just a bit too late for the others.
ReplyDeleteas for anon part - well yea, thats what this is -
ReplyDelete"you can't handle the truth!". Between here and Facebook it's definitely easier to spill my guts on a dying blog which I know hardly anyone reads anymore.
DeleteAnd I was honest, at some points. But honesty comes and goes and also, people change over time, sometimes there's more to say and sometimes there's nothing to say and sometimes- there's just too damn much to say for any of it to matter.
(Anonymous you may be, but I suspect our paths have crossed before.)
i hear you. my point is only that perhaps its because u feel no one reads anymore that uve become as direct and blunt as u have recently. or maybe its because u felt you had nothing to lose. i dont know. but honesty is honesty and its been abundant recently and its made this more compelling.
ReplyDelete