Normalcy

I left to go to the supermarket, and ended up at the lake. I guess food was not what my soul really craved.

It is so peaceful here. Close your eyes, and you can hear the wind rustling the leaves, the water gently lapping at the rocks, the chirps of the birds and honking of the geese.

It says "no swimming" but I just want to dive into the water, swim across to the other side. I know I'd probably panic even though I know how to swim, because I get scared when my feet can't touch the ground. But the smell of the water, the smell brings back summers of long ago, at different lakes, the rocks cutting my feet but the water, like a hug enveloping me.

Routine is a funny thing. Since I started coming here to walk/jog a few times a week, I started seeing the same people here. The black couple with the stroller, the older Chinese guy, the frum girl rollerblading. Oh ya, the frumies. No matter how far I think I've gone from the community, there are always frumies there.

I'm beginning to make peace with it. Except I know they look at me because I dress differently than them. Or rather, they DON'T look at me. They stick out their arms for rides and if I stop they turn away awkwardly, avert their eyes because I'm a woman and that's not allowed. I'm forbidden to them.

I'm not bitter, I'm not mad. They have their ways and I have mine, mine which is currently undefinable as I try to figure out how frum or not I want to be, what is "allowed" and accepted versus what I feel comfortable with.

A guy I dated recently took issue with the fact that I'm not frum enough or not trying hard enough. He has a valid point, but it's not that I don't care or I'm not trying, I'm just taking my time and hopefully I'll get back to a place where I don't hate religion and the people who sully it.

I finally feel a sense of normalcy. I know normal is relative, but this past year has been hard. I left a job, finished school, moved to Florida, lived pretty much isolated from family and friends for 8 months, took two jobs and quit both, spent my days relaxing and chilling and any other word used to put a good spin on "doing absolutely nothing by choice". It was lonely and depressing and confusing and I felt lost and aimless. And all along I told everyone it was fine and life was glam and why not, who else picks up and moves to a new city, Florida no less!

I'm home now. My parents home. Not the home I would choose for myself but the home that chose me. My little brother who just finished/dropped out of yeshiva expressed annoyance at having to be home and I told him, you don't have to be here. And his response was "where else am I supposed to go? "

Home was not always the happiest of places, but I'm carving out my own space and realizing that right now, this IS my choice. Even if I don't always like it, I went away, I stayed away for many years, but I chose to come back.

I got a job. That was one of my provisions for coming back, that I would get a job and be productive. I hesitated and wasn't sure that I wanted it and it wasn't my first choice. But BH it is working out great, and I'm happy there. I feel like I'm getting back to a place of normalcy, that I'm finally moving forward and not standing still, frozen and unsure.

Going into summer always gives me a good feeling, and I hope to stay on the up and up.

Sending sun, wind and all good things.