Like an adult

The moon is bright tonight. It's so beautiful that I think if I blink and look away it'll be gone. It's hard to distinguish between the light of the moon and the lights of the parking lot. Even out here, away from the city it's still hard to get the beauty unfiltered.

It was a hot day today. I watched kids from morning till evening. We decided to turn on the sprinkler. The kids got soaking wet and loved it. They took buckets of water and dumped it over their heads while shouting "ice bucket challenge!" I'm not even sure how they know what that is.

I bought cherries. My mom loves cherries and I used to think I hated them, until I realized that I never actually tried fresh cherries and the only thing I had to go on were cherry flavored licorice and fake cherry flavored cake and soda. The first time I tried fresh cherries I wondered what took me so long to find them.

Today was the first day of summer. I miss summer. Even though I basically had summer weather this whole past year, whenever it's not summer, I miss it. And when it finally comes, I'm already sad anticipating its farewell.

It's been a year since I finished school. I miss that too. I never thought I'd say that about school, but I miss the classrooms and the learning, even the papers and the deadlines. The difference for me between being a high school student and a college student was my choices, my autonomy. I liked being able to choose my own classes and arrange my schedule. I like being in charge of my own destiny.

I have a job now. It's no different for me since I had various jobs for the past few years and worked all through college. The difference now is that I have a degree. I know it's not a magic wand and you don't just suddenly have this great awesome future handed to you when you leave college. I know it's hard work and things take time. But I thought at least that school would help me figure out what I wanted to do with my future.

I thought I'd be this big great writer someday, but I see all these people, essentially my peers passing me by and instead of feeling motivated or challenged, I end up feeling bad about how small my progress has been in the past few years and how my ship has sailed.

I'm an adult now. I have a job and a college degree and a car.

I'm an adult and I live with my parents and am currently debating about paying them rent.

I'm an adult and I sometimes cook my own dinners and sometimes just eat what's in the fridge.

I'm an adult and that means nothing to me, except that now I have to choose and pay for my own health insurance. Schedule my own dental appointments. Put myself to bed at a reasonable hour. Convince myself to not eat a bajillion donuts just because they taste good. Put on sneakers and go walking/jogging even though I'm tired and I don't really want to.

I haven't passed any major milestones and this is not just occurring to me. But every year I get older and wonder when I will feel like an adult. It hasn't happened yet.

Maybe this year.