It was all a joke

To all of you:

This apology is not mine, but I feel it must be said. Regarding all this tumult in the blogging community, and in particular this post and letter, I was just told that it was a joke. There is no 'tznius committee'. There are no lunatics out there trying to shut down my blog. (Not that I know of at least.)

It was just the work of two bloggers out to have some fun and play a practical purim joke. So haha, the jokes on me.

But to my credit, had it been real, I still think I handled it well.

10 minutes early

I finally realized why I'm always late. This time I was 10 minutes early. What's 10 minutes, right? Oh, well when you are the one waiting for something, 10 minutes can be a loooooooong time. And no amount of looking at the clock, walks around the hall, or elevator rides can make the time go by faster. Oh no, I prefer to come late.

Pebble in my shoe

Pebble in my shoe,

where are you,

as you move around and bother me so much.

You ruin my concentration,

as I walk from the station,

all the while thinking what a nuisance you are.

I lean against the wall,

as I stand in the hall,

to take off my shoe and dump you out.

You are smaller then a grain of rice,

well isn't that nice,

that a tiny thing like you could cause such disruption.

So next time you think

of residing in my shoe,

think again, cuz you are unwanted here.

You cause me such pain,

and I get no gain,

little pebble in my shoe

I can't stand you.

Splash!

Darkness, pouring rain, glasses that are the wrong prescription, and generally low visibility at night are not a good combination for driving.

The rain literally pounded at the windshield and I was bent forward in my seat, eyes scrunched, trying to see the road, and I saw it! The yellow line! The whole time telling myself, don't go over the line, don't go over the line, you're fine, just drive.

I thought about being nervous. I was wondering why I wasn't nervous about driving in such conditions, and if I should perhaps tell myself to be nervous. But then I realized that if G-d forbid anything happened to me, it's better to be calm about it then to freak out, right?

And so I smiled as I drove, though I could hardly see, and then it started raining harder and I laughed. I love the rain. I love the way it makes my hair look all messy, I love the feel of it on my skin, I love the freedom of it pouring down and blowing all over the place. And of course I love the cleansing feeling it brings, as it washes away all the dirt. So I left my coat open as I walked from the car and I let the rain drench me, cuz it felt so good.

And as I drove with the rain pouring down on the roof of the car, and the streets flooded, and as I drove through the huge puddles which sprayed everywhere (that was the best part, I always wanted to try that!), I said, hey G-d, if you hear me over all this noise, please watch over me and make sure I get home safely. I'm not driving right now, it's You who is. Cuz really, I can barely see, and I don't feel like crashing right now.

And apparently He still needs me down here, cuz B"H I got home safely, and here I am to tell the tale.

Hope

Hope is reconnecting with old friends. And making new ones.

Hope is right before dawn, when the sky is turning a deep deep blue, preparing for a new day.

Hope is goosebumps and jitters, like when you are high on coffee.

Hope is a rose in full bloom.

Hope is a smile, bright as the sun.

Hope is words, encouraging, sweet, believing, refreshing.

Hope is a song, a song in the ears, a song in the heart.

Hope is like petals of a flower, soft and smooth.

It's there. Sometimes I forget. There are times when hope seems so far away, when everything is dark and it seems like there will never again be light.

But then hope comes in one form or another. And it reminds me that there is a G-d, and that the world is good. I just have to open my eyes and see it. Let it come to me, let it filter in to my world and my existance.

It's there. Let it touch you with it's soft wings.

Purim!!!

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall... and you know the rest of the story. But now Humpty's existence is being called into question. Is he an egg? And how, exactly, do we come to know this? Read about it here.

So purim is a week away. My sister bought a whole bunch of junk food and baskets and bags, but I still don't know what I'm giving. If you think you should get a shaloch manos from me but you are not sure that I will remember you, make sure to leave me a comment. Thanks.

I would like to give a big thanks to G-d, and to the creater of ice. It was an ingenius idea if you ask me. Try to find the good in everything. Like when you are in pain, but ice makes it feel a little better, you say, thank G-d for ice, instead of saying holy #*%$ that hurts.

And of course in this month of Adar, the happiest month of the year, you are supposed to be happy, not sad. So even though I don't feel like it, I'm going to tell all of you dear readers to get that damn smile on your face and smile for all you are worth. And be happy! Even when you are not.

It'll be good, I know it. Be happy, cuz Purim's coming.

^ ^

When I'm in a destructive mood, I delete friends on facebook. The ones who are meaningless and I don't even know... goodbye, not-friends of mine.

Purim- then and now

Purim's in a little over a week!

Yes I have to admit that purim as an adult (or a generic adult, something along those lines) is not as much fun as it was when I was a kid, when we got to dress up and traipse all over the city delivering shaloch manos to our 25 little classmates, friends and neighbors, and teachers, eat tons of junk food, throw up, trade stuff with the siblings, take whatever we wanted from the table that wasn't being claimed yet, eat more junk food, eat some real food at the seudah, fall asleep with clown make up still on our faces, (littles girls are queen Esther, naturally, but once you're a bit older you need a more mature costume and clown just seemed beffiting for me.) throw up again, go to school the next day (or day after that) and trade more junk food for better tasting junk food and eat and eat until it was all gone. Oh of course hear the megila being shushed in shul by all the adults, wave around out cute little (notice that everything in regards to kids is 'little' in my mind) handmade graggers, and stom our feet at Haman's name. Oh what glorious glorious times we had.

Now I barely make one or two shaloch manoses just to get the mitzva. Sit at home waiting for people to come to me, bored, whiling the day away, don't bothered getting dressed up cuz that's what little kids do. It's just not fun anymore.

Is that how everyone feels, or am I just a real party pooper?

Oh and get this: this year for my shaloch manos I'm making a salad or some other such health foods. DON'T tell me I'm boring. Junk food is so over rated.

Little kids and ice cream

Try watching a little kid eat ice cream and watch a video at the same time. It is amusing. Their eyes are focused intently on the screen, the ice cream dripping down and their little tounges going lick lick every few seconds. It almost seems like the ice cream will melt completely before they finish licking it.

Wait for it, wait for it.... and PLOP! Lol.

Ok now I'm in the mood for ice cream.

So when's the next simcha?

Somebody, please get married!! Or have a baby. Or get engaged. Or get engaged, then get married, then have a baby.

Wow my life is so boring I keep thinking, what's next, what's next, then what's next after that. Here's what I've come up with:

In 2 weeks is purim. Then my friends wedding. A month after that is pesach. Then something very exciting is happening. You'll find out. Then about a month after that is my birthday. Then a week after that is Shavuos. Then a few weeks after that is summer. Then my little brothers bar mitzva! (He's the baby in the family, and the last bar mitzva.)

Then summer, then try to come up with plans for next year... yadayadayada...

Will somebody please get married?? Or something else exciting. Oh my G-d, maybe global warming will actually happen finally, all the snow will melt and we will have to row away in boats, with all our earthly possessions...

Or the year 2012 will come true and the earth will be destroyed...

Huminahuminahumina.

On phones and stuff

Once upon a time I thought I was so cool to have a cell phone. Now, I just feel like a dork because I have a flip phone, (which are sooooo out of style, and according to Chunky, anyone with a flip phone is ugly.) Go figure.

This is for you

“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”

You know who you are. To every single one of you who has been a friend to me, and there are so many, this is a thank you for being in my life.

Oh and a special shout out to the girl with the red flower in her hair who is currently in Israel. I miss you!

And to the one who lives just a subway ride away, and whom I never see, hi! Keep smiling, and I like your laugh.

(Special mentions on my blog are for special people only. If you feel that I left you out by accident, let me know so I can correct my mistake.)

Inside looking out

I wanna splatter paint on a wall. I wanna skate board. I wanna sing. I can't sing. I don't have such great singing abilities. But I need to do something more then write a whole bunch of exclamation marks in chat, no matter how good that makes me feel.

The snow is pretty. So so pretty from this side of the glass. I feel like a fish in a fish tank, looking out at the world from my little empire. All I need is some sponges and fake plants.

I saw this quote on Shorty's blog, thanks, I really like it:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

It is true. It is so true. I am a firm believer, thanks to my mama who brought us up well, that G-d has a plan for you, and you are always where you are supposed to be, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment. And yet, why do I doubt. Why do I keep saying, I don't know, I don't know. Why do I ask 5 different people for advice, and then still have no idea what to do?

So what do you want to be when you grow up? I have no idea. I'm not done growing up, but I have no idea. People talk about finding a passion in life, something you really love doing that makes you happy, and makes you feel good about yourself. I haven't found mine yet.

I'm listening to music. Music is calming, it's perfect. It just is. In music there is just sounds and lyrics. There's no confusion, just soothing sounds.

And I just keep wondering, when? When is everything supposed to fall into place? Ever? Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. (Ok, life is like a box of chocolates, but me and chocolates aren't speaking at the moment.) I just can't seem to figure out what goes where. It's like there are some pieces that are missing, and I can't solve the puzzle.

But the snow, the beautiful snow keeps falling. It is a wonderful wintry world out there and I, I'm still stuck in my fish tank.

A poem, for those times when words aren't enough

The page is blank
waiting to be written on
but no thoughts, no words
my mind is empty tonight.

This is me
this is who I am
I seek not, approval
nor followers,
nor friends.

Do not come to me with questions
for I have no answers
do not turn to me for advice
cuz I do not know what to say

This is me
this is who i am
when you take off the mask
and strip off the layers

I think what I want
but I do not write what I want
approval
a bitter bitter word

Can I not like whom I want without wondering what you will say?
what does it really matter
what you think?

Be true to yourself
cuz at the end of the day
when all of those who were 'friends' have left you,
and when the world does not see you
only YOU will matter.
only you.

This is me
this is who I am
if you do not like it
you came to the wrong place.

Onwards!

It is so frustrating!!! This time of year is so familiar. I walk the streets and hear shouts and squeels of "omegosh, omegosh, omegosh!!!!!!! I haven't seen you in soooo looooong!!!! Hi!!!!!!!!" I see groups of girls congregrating everywhere. It brings back memories, of another time, same place.

Ya I used to be in high school. Ya, I'm old now. Ahhhh, once so young and pure, and now, a little older and less pure.

I saw some girls I'm friends with who are still in high school. We are from two different worlds and suddenly, I can't relate to them. They are complaining about school and teachers and production and tests, and I think about my life. My life, how it was supposed to be so different.

I wonder if these girls will be dancing at my wedding soon, and if to them I will always be the 'older girl who was once in high school with us and was so much fun and cut class all the time but is now old and so boring.' No, I have no desire to get old whatsoever. Old people scare me.

My grandmother celebrated her 80'th birthday today. Ka''h, may she have many more happy and healthy years. But still, I'm scared to grow old.

So what do you do when you are done with high school, finished seminary, the 'system' which you never wanted to be a part of in the first place has no place for you anymore...? Um, get married?

Good plan. Now I just have to find the right guy. (And in my head, the song 'where oh where' is playing merrily.... tralalalalalala)

For MEN: How women think. Be careful, this is dangerous stuff

A message to all men in the world: I hope you like dirt, cuz you're gonna spend your whole life groveling.

It kind of bothers me how women work. They ask their men questions that they clearly don't want to know the answer to, and are just setting their men up to get in trouble, and then the man subsequently has to grovel and buy the woman presents for the next week, and oh ya, sleep on the couch. Let's play out this scenario:

Woman: "Honey, what do you think of this dress? Does it make me look fat? I feel so fat. Do you think I'm fat and ugly? What if I get old and you leave me for another woman?"
(she's thinking, if you're gonna leave me at least let it be cuz your gay and like men.)

Man: "No dear, that dress looks nice on you. I think you're beautiful."

W: (Stone cold voice) "Thank you, that's very nice of you. That makes me feel real special."

M: (a few minutes later in which his wife is clearly ignoring him) honey, did I say something wrong?"

W: "Oh no, of course not. I'm not feeling well, I'm not going out tonight. Please go out and buy me ice cream. And don't bother talking to me, I'm gonna wash the dishes, I won't be able to hear you, so don't bother talking, okay?" (emphasise on the DON' TALK. But what she really means is, start talking your way out of this one buddy, or you're in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.)

M: (phew that was a close one, at least she let me off scott free tonight) Okay dear, I'm glad you don't feel fat anymore."

W: "you just called me fat?????"

M: (confused beyond words) "NO, I think you're beautiful, I told you that. I don't think you're fat, and really, who wants an anorexic wife anyway, right. No one should look like those super models, it's disgusting."

W: "I want to look like those super models. They are gorgeous."

M: " YOU are gorgeous."

W: "you blew it. You are sleeping on the couch tonight. Oh, and now you have to buy me that outrageously priced diamond necklace I really want, to make me feel better and prove you love me."

M: (what the heck did I say wrong?????) "Anything for you, my pretty wife."

W: "cut the crap."

Okay, I think I went a little overboard there, but you see what I mean. Women miscommunicate. When they ask, do you think I'm fat, what they really mean is, I'm feeling very insecure right now, nothing you say will make me feel better so save yourself, and don't try, but don't worry there's nothing you can do, you're gonna get in trouble anyway cuz I just need a whipping boy, but if you play things right I might only be mad at you for one day instead of three, but if you totally ignore me you are in the doghouse for a week, and if you say something neutral about how no one really looks like super models and movies are not reality, then you will get the silent treatment and the cold shoulder and boy are you in trouble.....

Now, can this scenario ever work the other way? If the man told his wife, "honey, does this suit make me look fat? Do you think I'm ugly? Are you gonna leave me for another guy?" Unless the wife suspects that her husband is gay, she'll probably just say, stop babbling and take out the garbage.

Obviously, no self respecting man would ever say that to his wife, or to any living soul, even if he felt that way. No, that line is reserved solely for women.

So really, men, there is no way around it. It's gonna happen, don't say I didn't warn you. Just grovel your way out, ride out the storm, and pray to G-d that you say the right thing.

This and that

So here's what this post was gonna be about:

I hate the fact that Lubavitch is known for always being late. It is such a cliche, that people make jokes about it. On wedding invitations it says, Chupa will be at 5:00. But everyone knows that it is a given that it won't start until at least 6:00. This annoys me to no end. Why should we be known as the Jews who are never on time? We stand up in front of the world, we represent something so big and monumental, we make functions and train leaders, and run such a huge operation, all under the guidance of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, and in his name it should be known that we are never on time?

It says 'A chossid darf zein a mesudar'. Loose translation, a chossid has to be a perfectionist. A chossid should strive to be better, to do things in the right way. To look like a mentch, be presentable, and behave properly, because he is not going out on his own. He is representing someone and something that is so much greater than himself.

So why the should it be a joke that we are never on time? I went to a lecture last week that was called to start at 7:30, and didn't start until 9. Fine, I didn't have that much better things to do with my time but still, it doesn't seem right to steal time from people who come on time, and those who don't, well that's not right either.

Okay, so that's what this post was supposed to be about. But then I realized a very important fact: I myself am never on time. When I tell someone I'll meet them at 7:30, usually that means I'll leave the house aroud 7:30. I have a problem with being on time, and I would rather be late then early. So why bother preaching about something in which you are not perfect?

Either way, you are all invited to my wedding (no, there's no news to tell, and I have no idea when it'll happen, but believe me when I tell you, dear readers, that you will probably be the first ones I'll tell.) And when it says on the invitation that Kabolas ponim will be at 5, and chuppa at 6, well I would really love if you came on time, or even early, but you will just be standing around for awhile waiting for everyone else to show up. So, um, come late? That's not a suggestion. I'm gonna start a trend for being early. Please come on time. And yes, it is a black dress event.

There were some funny things I was thinking about. When the delivery guy from UPS comes to the door with a package (we are best friends by now, my father is a big Ebay buyer, and we get multiple packages a day, I'm serious.) He hands me that big heavy thingy where you have to sign. And it's a joke every time, cuz my name barely comes out as chicken scratch (shout out to Mr. J, for all you Torontonians. He said my handwriting looked like his 9 year old nephews). Cuz the thingy is so weird that I don't know how they expect you to sign it, I always write off the line and then cant find my place again so its barely legible and leaves me wondering why they even bothered.

Then there's the pretty new bathroom mat that my sister bought, that she makes me hang over the tub every time after my shower, that makes me wish she never bought the *__* thing. I keep thinking, I should wash that, but then I never get aroud to it, and it's starting to look not so pretty. It reminds me of the song 'black socks they never get dirty, the longer you wear them the blacker they get, sometimes I think of the laundry but something inside me says don't wash them yet.' We used to sing that in class to annoy my teacher, back when I was a student of 12, and relished getting in trouble. And so the mat sits there, all alone, cuz no one will take care of it. Oh poor mat that had to end up in my bathroom....

Will someone please tell me what the weather is like outside? My thermostat tells me it is but 17 degrees Farinheit. But I don't know what that feels like since I haven't been outside in awhile.

On Shabbos I read the Meam Loez on Parshas Beshalach. I recommend it, they have some really good insights into the parsha.

In a week is Chof bais Shvat. Some of my friends will be in town. You know who you are. If you are gonna be in town but I don't know about it, please let me know so we can do brunch. Chow chow!

The house is quiet, I think it's safe to go to bed now. The time on my laptop is 11:44 PM Jan 30. Of course it is 3 hours behind, it does this weird thing every week and I can't figure out how to change it. The real time is 2:45 AM. I'm off to bed.

Gnite world!

You know you're growing up when...

You start doing things for yourself, or for the sake of the thing itself, instead of for a reward or worrying about pleasing other people. I davened today. Even though I knew there were people who were proud of me, I did it for ME. And for G-d. And it felt really good.

When your mother's friend comes to the house, and instead of thinking of her as 'that lady that always comes over', you see her as a friend of yours too. And you chat with her, and it's so nice to see her. She's older, yes, but in some sense she feels like an equal. Because I have changed, I'm almost a grown up now. (Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I went to a farbrengin yesterday for Yud Shvat. That is a big accomplishment for me and I'm proud of myself and happy I went. It felt good. Really good. For once I felt like I BELONGED there. Like I was entitled to be there, and I wasn't just a fraud. It also felt good knowing that I didn't have to be there. I think all through high school I resented the requirement to learn. I had to go to class, and to farbrengins, etc. It was expected of us. So it wasn't coming from me. For once I went because I wanted to.

And I didn't fall asleep. And I didn't leave early. I stayed for 2 1/2 hours. There were a lot of young newly married girls there. They left early. They have husbands and maybe children waiting for them at home. And I kept eyeing the clock, wondering when it would be appropriate to leave, and then I realized, I can STAY. I don't have to rush home, I only have to worry about me right now, I don't have a family to take care of. It was refreshing and made me want to take advantage of the NOW. People always say, enjoy your time now, take advantage, cuz later you'll regret letting this time slip by. It hasn't really hit home until now.

So what was the farbrengin about, you want to know. Ya ya Altie, it's so nice that you went, that you had a breakthrough, that you feel so good about yourself and think you are a great person now, but did you actually LEARN anything there? Did you listen?

Yes, people. Don't worry, I listened. Rabbi Tzvi Freeman from Toronto spoke. He is a good speaker with a great sense of humor. He spoke about a few things and I'll tell you what I remember.

Hiskashrus- he asked, what is hiskashrus. Ya, it means being connected to the Rebbe, but what is it. It is physical, is it emotional, is it rote? He told a story to illustrate his point:

He lived in Vancouver, and every year by Yud Shvat the community held a raffle to send one person to New York to be by the Rebbe. He was lucky enough to win it three times in a row. The last time that he went, he wanted to give the Rebbe something, a gift. So he thought, what can I give the Rebbe, that won't take up too much of his time? He decided, when he goes online to get a dollar, he will smile at the Rebbe. And that's what he did. As he passed by the Rebbe, he gave him a big smile. And the Rebbe gave him a big smile back.

Rabbi Freeman said, that is hiskashrus. When you are going about your daily life, and you have an urge to be connected to the Rebbe. Hiskashrus is something that needs work, yes. But it is there Even the most fraye yid will still speak about the Rebbe with kavod, and love. Because hiskashrus is in the heart, it is unnatural.

He mentioned something interesting abour current events. (I don't actually follow current events, cuz I have no interest in it.) He spoke about the rescue teams that each country sent into Haiti, so help the survivors there. Out of all the countries, Israel, the smallest one sent the most people and most equipment to help. They flew there on a 16 hour flight, and spend 8 hours setting up a hospital with state of the art equipment. The American medical students who were in Haiti went to help the Israelis in the hospital. When asked why, they said, 'Cuz the Americans haven't brought anything, or set up a hospital, so we might as well go where help is needed.' And they said at that moment, they were almost embarrased to be American.

But his point was, that years ago this would not have happened. The world has progressed and matured enough that now they are quick to help another country in need, and hesitant to go to war. (Iraq.) The world is changing....

There was another really nice story he told. (I forget names, and details, so bare with me.)
There was a man named Hagar, in charge of a mission. The mission was to recover the files of all the Jews that were sent to Sibiria (and nevver returned) and return them to their families, so they can at least know what happened to them, and where they were burried.

One time, a former KGB officer who was in charge of 'Religious persecution' in Russia during the time of Stalin, sent word to Hagar that he wanted to meet with him. Hagar didn't really want o meet with a former KGB officer, so he asked the head shliach to Russia, berel Lazar, what to do, and berel told him to go, because he might be able to give Hagar valueble information about some files of people that were never found. So Hagar went to the government building, on a Friday.

The man he was supposed to meet with was across town in another government location, so they rushed Hagar over there. Hagar had 2 volumes of the shluchim book, and post-it notes by each picture of shluchim who's ancestors were in Sibiria. The second he walked into the KGB's office he put them on the table. The man started leafing through the pages. Then he turned to his secretary and said, 'They're smiling! Look at them! If I had known that despite all my efforts, they would have survived, and had children, and grandchildren, that are still religious today, I wouldn't have bothered.'

There was a second part to the story that I don't really remember. But I really liked that story cuz it just goes to show- try to kill us and wipe us out, and we will come back even stronger.

Okay if you are still reading this (why are you still reading this????) I have one more really nice story to share.

Rabbi Freeman brought out an interesting point. Most people who are in a position of power have followers, and their main goal is to get more followers, as many as they can. (He also asid, most famous people didn't really do anything worthwhile, the ones who really made a difference and SHOULD be famous, no one ever heard about, or knows their name.) When famous people donate money to charity, or do something good, they want people to know it was THEM doing it. They want acknowledgement, and honor.

The Rebbe was the total opposite. He wasnted to mikarev yidden, bring them closer to Torah, nor specifically to Chabad. Once there was a man who ran the Hillel house on campus in a college in England. He spoke to the Rebbe and the Rebbe asked him if the Jewish students there have access to kosher food. The man said, the Hillel ouse is under construction and wasn't gonna be ready for another few months, so in the meantime no, there was no kosher food available on campus, unless the student went to a kosher resteraunt nearby. The Rebbe asked him, so for 5 months it's okay to eat not kosher? He told the man to set up centers around the campus that had kosher food available to any Jewish student who wanted it.

The man got into the hang of things and started thinking and planning, that they would run events there, and have Torah classes, besides for kosher food. And the Rebbe said no, that's not what I told you. I want there to be kosher food, so that a Jewish boy, should sit down next to a Jewish girl, and eat kosher food, so that one day they will get married.

The point is not 'Come to Chabad, we are the best, you must follow us!! Hear hear!'. The point is, learn Torah, serve G-d, do mitzvot, be a good Jew. If they become Chabad, that's a bonus.

I think I left you with enough stuff to think about. It was a good farbrengin. Happy Yud Aleph Shvat everyone. Do something good to change the world. It's not as hard as you think. Believe me.

Today is yud shvat

Today is yud shvat.

So what?

How can you say so what? What do you mean, so what? Don't you know what a special day it is? Don't you feel anything? Aren't you gonna do anything about it? So, are you going to a farbrengin?

No, they are always long and boring, and I can never understand any of it once they start speaking in yiddish and hebrew.

What? How can you not go to a farbrengin? What do you mean? So, what, you're just not gonna do anything about it? You're gonna go to work and it's gonna be a regular day?

No, I'm gonna light a yartzeit candle.

Sometimes I don't understand. How can you not care? How can you not do anything, feel anything, write a pan, go to the ohel, make hachlatas, join a farbrengin? How can you let this day go by, like it is any other day? It's not.

What is yud shvat, you ask me.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I can tell you what happened on that day. The previous lubavitcher Rebbe passed away, and the same day, a year later, our Rebbe took over the leadership. He said the maamer (chassidic discourse) of Baasi legani, which by itself needs a whole explanation. And his leadership began. And goes on until today.

I know the facts, yes I do. I've been in school long enough to be taught about it year after year. The same booklet that we got to color, with stories about each of the Rabeim in lubavitch. And a picture of seven men, each standing on the others shoulders, representing how we are the seventh generation.

Maybe then it all made sense. Or maybe the mind of a child didn't even know to ask questions. It just seems somewhere along the way, things fell apart. There was confusion, and doubts, and questions. But not actual questions that have answers. Just big question marks in my mind.

Then again, maybe this is the time to have kabalas ol. Just accept things without questions, as they say. That's what children do. They just accept things. It's the adults who over think, and over complicate things.

But there is something there. The heart, as they say. That has never stopped feeling. Year after year, it beats. It whispers, it talks. It lets me know that today is a special day. Don't let it pass by. Do something, anything. Or at least think about it.

It has never let up. It is the heart that makes me feel guilty, and regret things I do. It is the heart that makes me wish I was a better person. It is the heart that cares about things that my brain won't think about. It is the heart that tells me I can be a better person, when I feel like I'm down in the gutters.

It is the heart that has never given up on me, when I've given up on myself.

I went to a really chassidish high school. That is what I attribute my conscience to. In that school, no chassidish date or yom tov passed without acknowledgement. A farbrengin, a speaker, a program. They gave you everything you needed to learn and grow. All you had to do was stretch out your hand, and take it. I regret to say that I wasted time there, and didn't take all that was offered to me. Some, but not all.

But that doesn't matter. No point crying over days gone by. The point is, they made me who I am today. They made me into a person that no matter what I look like on the outside, no matter what my actions are, or how far I can stray from the right path, my heart will always beat, and remind me of who I am.

Today is yud shvat. I'm not really sure what it's all about. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do for it. I wish I knew. I wish I was ready to teach others about it, but I'm just learning myself.

It is easier for me to push others to do things, to be confused when they let this day pass, and do nothing about it. But on myself, I'm not so harsh. I have to go daven, maybe write a pan, and I promised someone I would go join a farbrengin tonight. Little steps, little steps, and sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere. But as they say, you can't run until you can walk, right?

I learned a sicha yesterday with my friend. To be able to say that sounds foreign even to me. And I actually enjoyed it and thought, wow, this is not so bad, I can do this, I guess I haven't forgotten how to learn. Iy''h it will become a regular thing. And I'm proud of me.

Mushkie once asked me to share my story about my yud shvat four years ago. I would, but I don't think anyone would gain from hearing it, so that story will remain undisclosed. It is not a story I am proud of.

If you care, and if you have a heart like mine that beats and says 'do something good', then don't let today pass like any other day. Do something good. Light a candle, write a letter to the Rebbe, give charity, do someone a favor, smile. Something. Anything.

Show G-d that we are ready and it is time. This will be the last yud shvat in golus, and next year we will farbreng in 770, with our beloved Rebbe.

When I grow up

Ok ok ok ok ok. Ask me what I want to be when I grow up. I finally know what I want to be.

I want to be a balebusta!!!

She walked into my house and before I could give her a kiss and say hello she said, I'm starving, I came here for lunch. So I opened the fridge, and there was a ready made salad left over from yesterday that wasn't dressed yet. I prepared that for her, made her a tea, asked her if she wanted a sandwich. I even made her a goody bag to go. And sat down and talked to her as I was cutting up carrots and onions for the soup I was making.

I know that I helped her, and prepared lunch for her. But she helped me too. It felt so good to know that she was comfortable to walk into my house and ask for food. She made me feel needed. I love helping people, and making food. There's a certain accomplishment knowing that someone else is satisfied.

I want to have a home where my doors are always open. I want to be known as a person that is easygoing, that will help you out when you need something, and not make you feel like I'm doing you a favor. I want to be the person who has cakes and cookies in the freezer, ready to be taken out at any second, and given to someone who needs a hot drink and a listening ear. I want to have meals prepared that can feed an army, and be ready to serve anyone who walks in my door. I want to have room at my table for anyone who needs a place. I want to say to someone 'if there's room in the heart, there's room at the table.' And I want to have lots of room in my heart.

I want to have a home where there are always people and strangers passing through, where they can sit down for dessert and a vort of torah. I want people to feel like my home is their home too. I want people to be comfortable there.

These are things I have to work on, and strive towards. But now I have a goal. I know what I want to be when I grow up. First and foremost, I want to build a home, and be the balebust.