Today is yud shvat

Today is yud shvat.

So what?

How can you say so what? What do you mean, so what? Don't you know what a special day it is? Don't you feel anything? Aren't you gonna do anything about it? So, are you going to a farbrengin?

No, they are always long and boring, and I can never understand any of it once they start speaking in yiddish and hebrew.

What? How can you not go to a farbrengin? What do you mean? So, what, you're just not gonna do anything about it? You're gonna go to work and it's gonna be a regular day?

No, I'm gonna light a yartzeit candle.

Sometimes I don't understand. How can you not care? How can you not do anything, feel anything, write a pan, go to the ohel, make hachlatas, join a farbrengin? How can you let this day go by, like it is any other day? It's not.

What is yud shvat, you ask me.

I don't know. I honestly don't know. I can tell you what happened on that day. The previous lubavitcher Rebbe passed away, and the same day, a year later, our Rebbe took over the leadership. He said the maamer (chassidic discourse) of Baasi legani, which by itself needs a whole explanation. And his leadership began. And goes on until today.

I know the facts, yes I do. I've been in school long enough to be taught about it year after year. The same booklet that we got to color, with stories about each of the Rabeim in lubavitch. And a picture of seven men, each standing on the others shoulders, representing how we are the seventh generation.

Maybe then it all made sense. Or maybe the mind of a child didn't even know to ask questions. It just seems somewhere along the way, things fell apart. There was confusion, and doubts, and questions. But not actual questions that have answers. Just big question marks in my mind.

Then again, maybe this is the time to have kabalas ol. Just accept things without questions, as they say. That's what children do. They just accept things. It's the adults who over think, and over complicate things.

But there is something there. The heart, as they say. That has never stopped feeling. Year after year, it beats. It whispers, it talks. It lets me know that today is a special day. Don't let it pass by. Do something, anything. Or at least think about it.

It has never let up. It is the heart that makes me feel guilty, and regret things I do. It is the heart that makes me wish I was a better person. It is the heart that cares about things that my brain won't think about. It is the heart that tells me I can be a better person, when I feel like I'm down in the gutters.

It is the heart that has never given up on me, when I've given up on myself.

I went to a really chassidish high school. That is what I attribute my conscience to. In that school, no chassidish date or yom tov passed without acknowledgement. A farbrengin, a speaker, a program. They gave you everything you needed to learn and grow. All you had to do was stretch out your hand, and take it. I regret to say that I wasted time there, and didn't take all that was offered to me. Some, but not all.

But that doesn't matter. No point crying over days gone by. The point is, they made me who I am today. They made me into a person that no matter what I look like on the outside, no matter what my actions are, or how far I can stray from the right path, my heart will always beat, and remind me of who I am.

Today is yud shvat. I'm not really sure what it's all about. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do for it. I wish I knew. I wish I was ready to teach others about it, but I'm just learning myself.

It is easier for me to push others to do things, to be confused when they let this day pass, and do nothing about it. But on myself, I'm not so harsh. I have to go daven, maybe write a pan, and I promised someone I would go join a farbrengin tonight. Little steps, little steps, and sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere. But as they say, you can't run until you can walk, right?

I learned a sicha yesterday with my friend. To be able to say that sounds foreign even to me. And I actually enjoyed it and thought, wow, this is not so bad, I can do this, I guess I haven't forgotten how to learn. Iy''h it will become a regular thing. And I'm proud of me.

Mushkie once asked me to share my story about my yud shvat four years ago. I would, but I don't think anyone would gain from hearing it, so that story will remain undisclosed. It is not a story I am proud of.

If you care, and if you have a heart like mine that beats and says 'do something good', then don't let today pass like any other day. Do something good. Light a candle, write a letter to the Rebbe, give charity, do someone a favor, smile. Something. Anything.

Show G-d that we are ready and it is time. This will be the last yud shvat in golus, and next year we will farbreng in 770, with our beloved Rebbe.