Ugh uch uchhhhh!

Crownheights.info, my number #1 disliked site, because of all the awful comments. Read this op-ed. And this one. And this, and maybe this. Read all the op-eds if you have time and patience. I for one do not. Have time, or patience, that is. To read this stuff, let alone all the comments that come with it.

Like really, no one cares what you think, especially if it's a negative comment. If you really feel like you have something valid to say, and care for the world and everyone beyond to hear you screaming your opinion, such as this one,

"antimesira wrote:

Its the easiest thing to blame both sides.
Its the easiest thing to put facts aside.
Its the easiest thing to disregard any issue as “just politics”.
Its the easiest thing to disregard right and wrong.
Its the easiest thing to write up a whole op-ed doing just that.
The FACT is There are people from the community who are facing trial.
The FACT is that the “complainants”/Mossrim are other Yiddin.
The FACT is the above op-ed, as much as the author means well, does not help the party in trouble. 
This is just another “who cares, everybody babies” op-ed.
Send it straight to the shredder."

Then start a blog. Maybe someone will actually read what you write. But to blasphemy your words on this news site, that is just trying to keep the world up to date on the happenings in and around Crown Heights, it's pointless in my opinion. 

Don't read the comments, and I'll be very disappointed to see you comment after following the links.

And then there's this: http://www.shomrimdefense.com/. Honestly, I don't know the whole story, and nor do I care. What DOES bother me is seeing grown men fighting, and taking each other to court, and squabbling like little children. And all I have to say is uuuuuuuccccchhhhhh!!!!! Stop fighting already! Grow up!

And no I will not write an elaborate op-ed for the infamous crownheights.info, because I do not need 100+ negative comments on my opinion alone. So I will say what I have to say here:

Keep your opinion to yourself. Stop fighting. Grow up. Deal with other people in a civilized manner. Grow up. Grow up. Groooooooow up!!!!!! And STOP FIGHTING!!!!!

Is that all? Okay good. And one more thing:

Happy Halloween! Have fun trick-or-treating, and be nice and put out some candy for the cutely dressed kids that come to your door.

We should have Moshiach RIGHT NOW, and no more stupid comments on ch.info!

Hear hear!!

No sleep=????

The study

"Americans suffer from a chronic lack of sleep, according to a study released on Thursday, which says the problem is a bigger public health problem than is generally recognized.

The study, published in the most recent issue of the Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report, a health journal, found that almost one-third of Americans get less than seven hours of sleep per night, which is generally considered the minimum for an average adult to feel rested."

In my own words: no sleep equals minimal functioning ability, lack of focus, and a general tirednessnessness.

Study or no study, I slept very little this past week, and 18 hours on shabbos. No joke.

And on the subway on the way home from work, a lot of the people in my car were caught with their heads nodding off. Mine included. I think I had one of those unconscious moments where you feel yourself falling, and then suddenly wake up. And a guy was staring at me. All I could think was, hey, if you were as tired as me, you would do the same thing. 

The solution: go to sleep earlier!! 

Always a lesson

A Puerto Rican guy on the subway today reminded me of something that I often forget.

In life, the things that are fast and easy are not usually good for us, and the things that are good for us are not fast and easy.

But then again, good things age with time and get better. And the things that were instant pleasures were just an illusion, and will eventually disappear.

So would you rather have old good wine? Or cheap grape juice? Instant oatmeal, or the good ole stuff? Instant relationships, or wait for the real thing?

You tell me.

We don't live forever- so live now!!

Two nice things about my job interview today- this was a job I saw an add for months ago, when I wanted to get a job this year. I never pursued it, but that just goes to show that Hashem has His plan, and it will happen when, and if it is supposed to.

The second thing: in the man's office there was a sign hanging with a poem on it. I realy liked it, so I snapped a picture of it (when he stepped out of the room.) Now I'll share it with you:

First, I was dying to finish high school and start college.

And then I was dying to finish college and start working.

Then I was dying to marry and have children.

And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough, so I could go back to work.

But then I was dying to retire.

And now I am dying...

And suddenly I realized,

I forgot to live.

Please don't let this happen to you.

Appreciate your current situation,

and enjoy every day.

To make money we lose our health,

and then to restore our health we lose our money.

We live as if we are never going to die,

and we die as if we never lived....

Class and stuff. And job

I am supposed to be in class. No, we had a 5 minute break. I just extended it a bit. Cuz really, why would you read a whole chapter in one day, (50 pages) only to come to class and have the teacher teach you what you just read, and consequentially, already know? Pontless? I think so.

In other news: I have finally joined the land of the employed!!!!!! Let it be know that I HAVE A JOB!!!!! I'm supposed to be at work tomorrow at 9 am for my first day. Crazy, or what? Wish me luck!

And whatever you do, don't ask me what the job is. It takes too long to explain. Use your imagination... but don't take it too far.

A lady is on her phone checking up on her kids, telling them to go to bed. And she is in my class!!! What a weird world we live in.

In other news, (other than the other other) my laptop came today!! I'm gonna have a naming ceremony, so any suggestions are welcome. Just not Mendel. Please.

There are men davening maariv outside, and I have to go to class. Goodbye world. Things are definitely looking up for me!!

Support

Everyone always says that the one person who really matters in supporting you is you. You are your own support system. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what anyone else says, as long as YOU are happy with what you did. Yadayadayada.

Really? Cuz at my graduation, I was not applauding myself in the audience. I was on stage, glaring at everyone, telepathically telling them to clap for me, or bad things would happen.

When I headed my school production, and I was up there saying my speech, I was hoping the audience was big enough that my words would make an impact. And oh ya, my mother was there, and I knew she would applaud me.

So that isn't really true. You can't only rely on yourself. When you get a good mark on a test, or buy a shirt at a bargain price, you are bursting to share it with someone. And somehow, it doesn't seem to be the same when you say,
'Guess what Altie?!'
'What??'
'I got 100% on my test!!'
'Yay!'
'I know!'
'I'm proud of me!!'
'I know! Me too!'

Ya, just not the same.

Of course, it's always nice to buy yourself something when you did good. Like, oh I'm so proud of myself, I am gonna splurge and buy that new pair of boots I really wanted! Yay for me!

But for some reason, it feels much nicer when the support comes from a friend. When you are struggling with a problem, and you finally resolve it, it feels so good to whisper to your friend, 'it's over', and see her beam with pride, cuz she knows exactly what you are talking about.

And when you come home and find a present on your bed, and you know it's from your parents cuz they are proud of you, it makes your victory all the more special.

Presents aren't everything. A hug, a word, a look. Just to KNOW that someone else has your back, that they CARE what you do, that when you are going through hard times, they are there with you, they understand your struggle, and cheer you on till the very end.

That is what matters. Yes, YOU can support YOU, but knowing that someone else does too, that's what makes the struggles all the more bearable, and the victory, that much sweeter.

Moving On

I decided to try something new. I'm not gonna think anymore. That's right. I'm gonna shut my mind down, turn it off like I would a computer, and leave it for now. And if that means no more writing, then so be it.

To think is to stress. To think is to contemplate. To think is to go over and over it again in my mind, examine all angles, and try to decide if I might have been able to do it better, if I was given the chance to turn back the clocks. This can be applied to life, to mistakes, to any situation really. So really, what is the point? After all is said and done, what is the point of thinking about it, worrying, obsessing that it might have, could have, should have been different? Just stop thinking about it, give it a break, and give me some peace and quiet.

I remember the name of my blog. Moving On. For lack of a better name, and cuz it seemed to fit. Doesn't matter where I'm coming from. Sometimes it doesn't even seem to matter where I am now. The only thing that matters is where I'm going. And how I plan to get there.

The truth: I have no idea. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow, let alone in ten years from now. I wish I knew. It would be easier if I did. Reassuring. Don't worry, in ten years you will be doing ____________,
you will have ______________ amount of kids, you will live in a house that looks like _____________ and has ______ amount of rooms. Wouldn't that be nice?

But life is a guessing game. We can't know. We don't know. We have to find out, figure it out, live it out, hold on tight till the next stage. Till better things come our way. Till this thing we call life straightens itself out, makes some sense, becomes understandable.

Moving On. It doesn't matter what I did last night, (if I told you I'd have to kill you.) It doesn't matter what I did yesterday. Or last week. It doesn't even matter what I did today. Cuz all of that becomes the past the second it happens.

Now, now it is the present becoming the future. The future just waiting to happen. So many great things may be upon us. Just let it happen.

Like Yossi said over at his blog, "If you want to be chassidish, the first step is to start acting chassidish!!"
A very good thing to remember. It's not easy, but no one said that life was gonna be easy.

3 am Tryst

There are better things to do in life then take pictures of strange bocherim. (If you think of any, make sure to let me know.)

Imagine the scene: 3 am, three girls sitting on a bench on Eastern Parkway, across the street from 770. Chilling, and chatting, and hanging out. One girl pulls out her camera to take some good shots of the Parkway of Eastern, at this late hour.

Meanwhile, sitting on the next bench over is a yeshiva bocher, a young man, we will call him Mendel. He is not so surreptitiously staring at the 3 girls the whole time. Suddenly, he sees the picture taking, and finding a good opportunity,  makes his way over to their bench to inquire as to the nature of this.

He asks why they are snapping pictures of him. They tell him politely that they were not, they merely wanted to capture the beauty of the street. He doesn't believe them, and calls them a not so nice name that starts with a 'b'.

One of the girls on the bench, we will call her Altie, said very nicely to this young man, 'that is not a nice word to say to girls, especially coming from a yeshiva bocher such as yourself.' Says the bocher, 'I'm not in yeshiva.' Says Altie, 'nevertheless, you are wearing a black hat.' As if that concludes the argument.

The bocher Mendel (perhaps that wasn't his name) stalks away, after saying the 'b' word one more time. And thus ends the story.

Until the 3 girls noticed him sitting on another bench not so far away, watching them. Oh well. Some people never give up.

Oh and, contrary to what her friends suggested, Altie did not snap pictures of this man, as he had accused them, because she thought that practice rude and immature.

If you are reading this, Mendel, all I have to say is, didn't yo mama teach you better??

Remember

He always knows what to say, He always knows what to tell me, and exactly what I need to hear, and He sends it at the right time.

I needed a reminder, a big reminder. And I got it. In the form of 2 comments, on a post that I wrote. They were in Spanish, and I had to translate them. But hey, G-d speaks many languages.

When you are feeling low, and you need encouragement, a sign, that you are going in the right direction, there is always a wake up call. He will deliver it in some form or another. Never forget that.

It's the funniest thing when you hear an atheist say, with a big sigh, 'oh G-d in heaven!'

Creepy

Who wears sunglasses on a day when it's not even sunny outside? And on the subway, nonetheless. It creeps me out, just a bit, and makes me wonder, is she looking at me, is she not, is she...? Guess I'll never know the answer.

An Enigma

You asked me a question that I could not answer.
Not that I didn't know it,
Or never thought about it.
Never pondered it.

You asked me a question that I could not answer.
Maybe would not is a better way to put it.
A pause in the conversation. Awkward.
Where to go from here.

You asked me a question that I could not answer.
Standing on one foot, too abrupt for my taste.
Not here, not now.
It takes time, for an appropriate answer to your question.

You asked me a question that I could not answer.
But this question may need a lifetime.
And you barely have a minute.
So why bother answering you?

You asked me a question that I could not answer.
You asked me,
'Who are you?'
And I could not, would not, answer you.

Where have you gone

Where have you gone, carefree days?
Those days we spent together,
soaking up the sun,
enjoying the weather.

Where have you gone, carefree days?
Wind in our hair,
sand between our toes,
no worries whatsoever.

Where have you gone, carefree days?
A buck for a coffee,
late to bed, late to rise,
and always happy.

Where have you gone, carefree days?
You've left us for the here and now.
Textbooks so heavy,
gotta sleep, gotta study.

Smiles not as easy,
no sun that I see.
Cold chilly days,
winter approaching.

Gotta live, gotta learn, gotta move on.
Figure it out.
Find a place.
Get a job. Grow up.

Where have you gone, carefree days?
And why is it so difficult,
to take what once was,
mix it with the here and now,
and make something new?

Where have you gone, carefree days?
Have you left me?
Or is it I,
that has left you?

One day

She looked like herself, yes. Like I remembered her, every day we spend together in Israel. Her smile, and her laugh. It was her. But somehow, she was different. Maybe it was the white dress, or the veil. The tehillim in her lap. The reality of it, the fact that this was her wedding day! Now she is moving on to a new stage. She is not one of us. She is... married!!!

It was amazing! I love weddings. The music that makes you want to dance, the bride, that looks so beautiful, and makes you want to dance, the dancing, that makes you want to dance, the energy in the air, the chocolate liquor, (girly stuff, but alcohol nonetheless) all of which triggers something in you, and makes you want to dance, to be free!

Forming one big circle with all of my friends, just like it used to be, all of us together again. (Well, not ALL of us, but whoever was in town and could make it.) I am so happy for the new couple.

The first wedding, the one that hits home, that makes you realize that this is it, from this point on there is only one direction we can go. Forward. No going back. Soon, soon. The first of many.

Iy''H by you, may we celebrate many simchas this year!!

Diversity

I'm the only white person on the subway car. Everyone else is black. No, I'm not racist, I just notice my surroundings. I am not uncomfortable, it is what I'm used to. I should feel like the odd one out- but what does the color of your skin matter? It doesn't.

There is a sign on every subway car by designated seats that states: 'Priority seating, for person's with disabilities.' Underneath that it says, 'Not all disabilities are visible.' If I was with my friends, some of them might have jokingly said, 'some disabilities are in the head.' But it is not a joke- cuz that is the truth.

Can you climb trees? Can you do ballet? Do you have a good singing voice? Are you good at math? If you answered 'no' to any of those questions, then you have a disability. That's right. You are UNable to do something. As is every human being, simply because we were all born with different talents and abilities, and no one can do everything.

I was a volunteer for Friendship Circle when I was in for high school. It is an organization that helps children with disabilities make friends. Volunteers go to the children's houses once a week, play with them, hang out, and become their friend.

Is it possible to see a person with a visible disability and not notice it? If a person passes by you in a wheelchair, or on crutches, will you tell me that they weren't in a wheelchair, or that you did not see it? That would be denial. It is okay to notice difference. It is normal to realize that someone is not exactly like you. Whether is is a physical difference, the inability to do a certain task that comes naturally to others, or even something that you may not see, may never know about the person.

We ARE all different, that is the point, and that is how it is supposed to be. If we were all clones of one another, or all dressed the same, had the same name, etc, it would be a boring world. Diversity is what makes the universe such a colorful place.

We should notice differences, but instead of being disgusted by it, or perhaps feel threatened by it, we should embrace it, and learn to appreciate each person for their differences, for what they can bring to the table.

If I sit on the subway and notice that I am the only white person there- does that make me racist? I think not.

The sky's the limit

They used to say this, all the time. (Whoever 'they' are.) But it can't be true.

Maybe years ago, people would look up at the sky and think it so vast, so far away, so unreachable. Now, we barely need to tilt our head, and we see little lights blinking, flashing, airplanes flying, taking off and landing. We've reached the sky, long ago. So is that it? Is the sky really the limit?

In 1969, humans made it to the moon. We've learned about outer space, above and beyond our own little universe. The sky ceases to be important, when it is so easy to surpass it. And is that it? Or can we go further than the moon? Is there more out there that we haven't even discovered yet?

Is it possible that if we sent out a spaceship, they can go past the sky, past the moon, and keep going, until they reach that space we like to call heaven? Can they find the entrance, simply knock at the door, walk in and say, hi God, we found you!

Is the sky really the limit? Or is there so much more potential that we haven't even discovered yet?

Listen up!

I just learned a lesson from a Chassidisher man, (I would say yoeli, but I know you'll all jump on me.) who was interviewing me. I'll tell you about it, but make sure you only take the lesson out of it, forget the little unimportant details (like whether or not I got the job, like would I really tell you if I didn't?)

He asked me where I'm holding in yidishkeit, I guess he wanted to get a feel of how frum (or unfrum) I am. I told him about where I thought I was at. He asked me what would I consider a low point (like if I wasn't so 'frum'). I said I don't daven every day. And then he told me like this:

That doesn't make you frum or not frum, chassidish, or not, a good person or not good. According to halacha, a woman or girl is only required to daven when she is able to, if it doesn't interfere with children or family, and only one prayer a day. Anything more than that is nice, but unnecessary. In addition, he told me, a woman has very few mitzvos to keep, derabanon, like shabbos, and kashrus, where it concerns her family, and even for herself.

It is when a child or adult feels pressured to keep everything, half of which isn't technically required of them, that they feel like it is too much, and instead, they drop everything and end up doing nothing at all.

He told me a story of a father, who had a son that went off the derech. The father wrote his son out of his will, leaving no money to him after the father would die. The father told his rebbe what he did, and the rebbe said, don't do that. Tell your son that if he agrees to keep only 2 mitzvos, you will give him all your money. The 2 mitzvos the rebbe said were shabbos and teffilin.
The father related this to his son, the son thought about it, and agreed, thinking it wouldn't be hard to keep only 2 mitzvos.

Years passed, and slowly the son took on more mitzvos, till eventually he was fully frum again. He came to his father and said he wanted to rip up the agreement. The father got worried that the son didn't want to be frum anymore. But the son said, no, I want these mitzvos to be mine, not yours, so stop paying me for them.

He (the interviewer) told me to write all this up on my blog, so here it is. He says it is a good thing for people to know, because he knows there are many girls out there who think the way I do, and are therefore not frum because it seems overwhelming to keep everything, and easier to keep nothing.

The lesson: do as much as you can do in avodas Hashem, and if that means the bare minimum for you, then do that, and be happy about it! Ivdu es Hashem besimcha!

It felt weird learning a lesson like this from someone who is not a lubavitcher chossid, because seemingly, I should know this already. But as the baal shem tov says, we must learn a lesson from everything we see, and how much more so, everyone we meet. Even in a job interview.

Lechaim

8 AM- as it should be

Hello, 8 AM. We haven't seen each other in awhile. Oh no, me and 2 PM have been best friends till now. Until today. This very morning, to be exact.

The air was chilly, 8 AM, but manageable. There were lots of people outside. I guess you have many friends. I'm not one of them.

I smelled coffee! And glorious, lovely smells, wafting from a bakery. Sweet croissants, and donuts, soft and doughy. But I did not stop for a coffee break, I continued on.

There was much traffic on the streets, 8 AM. How peculiar, thought I. Until I realized, that this was 8 AM, as it should be.

Was no one else marveling at the things I was seeing, the children going to school, and parents going to work? No, 8 AM, I stood alone in my astonishment. It's been so long, 8 AM, it's been so long since last I saw you smile.

But today, 8 AM, all was as it should be. I got some shopping done. And the sun was shining! Oh Mr. Sun, how I've missed you.

And you, 8 AM, my old friend, it's good to have you back.

1st real driving experience

If you really wanna know, ask the people who were in the car. Yes, I was there, but being in the driver's seat doesn't count.

I drove to the ohel with 2 friends. My father made me take side streets cuz I don't have enough highway experience. I got lost. There, AND back. But at least I finally got there.

Then I drove to Boro Park. And got lost on the way too.

Hey, having a license doesn't mean you have a sense of direction. I need a GPS thingamajig.

Well you can ask me to drive you to JFK airport. I was there today. No, I wasn't supposed to be.

Aaahhhhh, but it's all part of the experience.

My shopping tale

While reading a post on Yossi's blog about shopping in Macy's, it reminded me of this story that happened recently. 

Funny story- I bought a skirt, and they forgot to take off the security tag. I vaguely recall hearing the detector beep as I walked out the store, but as luck would have it, the security guard waved me through without checking.

When I came home and realized their error, then realized I didn't have the receipt to prove I didn't steal it, I was in a dilemma. If I let my mother go back unattended, she would surely just pay for it again, and I couldn't have that, cuz I was innocent, oh yes I was.

So, to make a long story short, we went back, the lady said 'no receipt- no service.' Or something like that. She told us to talk to the security guard, who seemed very puzzled at being bothered on his break- I mean his on-duty time. Took the skirt, said no problem, brought it over to the counter and used that doo hiky machine thingamajig to take off the tag, and let us go, free of charge.

I came home, tried on the skirt and- you guessed it- decided I hated it, why did I ever buy it, and after all that trouble of getting the tag off, I'm gonna return it and get store credit.

Great story.