Happy Purim!

So I am home for purim, and my throat is hurting a lot. I got a cold for the second time in 2 weeks and now I can hardly swallow. Don't worry, soon I will take nighttime cold and flu medicine and it will knock me out for the night. I just hope I can get up in the morning for megilla and not be all woozy.

I packed my 6 shaloch manoses. I was only gonna make 2, but then the list just kept on growing. Of course my family buys cases of stuff so if anyone pops by that I didn't intend to give, I can just throw something together.

I was not gonna dress up this year, cuz I'm not into costumes really. But then I decided to pull something together, so now I'm a cowgirl, with straw hat, bandanna, jean jacket pigtail braids and all. I can see why some people enjoy dressing up, because it was fun once I decided to do it, but I don't generally dress up.

Hope everyone has a fun-filled purim. Drink a lechaim, but no more than four. Make sure to give tzedaka and think of someone else. You can donate online here. It is for matanos levyonim in Israel, and they will give out the money on Purim.

A freilechin (happy) purim to all!

p.s. Despite the fact that I was sick, I had a happy purim after all. My friend dressed as a hippy, and we had fun distributing our shaloch manoses together. Hope everyone's purim was just as great, or better.

I found this t-shirt cute

The Search

The search for the perfect dress...

The search for the perfect material to fix up the not-so-perfect dress...

The search for the shoes... (thank G-d that was easy.)

The search for the seamstress to work on the might-be-perfect dress...

The hope that everything will look perfect...

The nonchalant attitude that it won't matter and I don't care how I look either way...

(The knowledge that that's a lie...)

The clock is ticking. Tick tock tick tock.

The wedding is in twenty days...

Is it worth it?

Is a memory worth $1500? Is it worth anything?

Is a picture worth a thousand words? Is it worth $1500?

How can you ask me how important it is to me? What would you do if you lost everything? Would you try your hardest, pay any price to retrieve it, to fix it?

You tell me- how can you put a price on a memory?

So high, so low

It feels so high, this feeling coursing through me. It's like a bubble inside of me ready to burst. My head feels like it's gonna explode. Nervous energy making me jittery, like I am high on something, coffee maybe, or something stronger.

I type so fast, write so fast my hands are shaking.

I can't sit still, my heart beats rapidly, palms sweaty. Foot tapping nervously. Need a release, what to do with this excess energy?

I am excited, for something inevitable, something happening really soon, or maybe far off in the future, or not at all. But whatever it is it has me tied in knots.

Talking to so many people, conversations flying, doing so many things at once. My brain won't stop moving, one thought following closely on the heels of the previous one.

But suddenly, it is late. It is nighttime and dark outside, and the voices in my ear are far away, not close by with me.

Suddenly I look around me. I am in my own little room alone. Everything starts to die down. My nervous system depresses, my energy drains away.

Like gravity, like everything in life, what goes up must come down.

And so my high is over, and next comes the low.

After a high like that,

You

Just

Can't

Help

But

F
A
L
L.

How important is it?

When all is (not) lost

(I wrote this post yesterday, with my emotions still raw. After I wrote it, I read my nightly thought from the book "Don't look down" by Rabbi Michael Haber, and the thought tied in perfectly with this post. I will give a synopsis below. (Due to the copyright in the book, I am just saying in my own words what I read. I am not attempting to copy or plagiarize or the like.)
Oftentimes the passage I read at night coincides with what I am feeling, or what happened that day. There are answers everywhere, you just have to look for them.)

The story goes that there was an ice sculpting contest taking place in a dessert. The sculptors worked all day on their creations, and put a lot of work into it. A stranger passing by who viewed this was puzzled and asked them why they were working so hard on something that would quickly melt.

The sculptor said to him, of course we know that. Look at the sign over there. The sign read, "HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?"

The artist explained, throughout life things come and go. Jobs, cars, houses, money. We get upset over little things, petty things, physical things. The ice sculpting contest reminds us that these things don't really matter. Why should I get upset over something that years from now won't even matter?

Ask yourself, how important is it?

After reading that it really put my attitude into perspective. Here's my original post:

It's like losing your whole life in a day. Okay, not your whole life, I'm exaggerating. But somehow it just feels that way.

How can one stupid mistake change everything? Actually there were a few more mistakes before this one that makes it all the more upsetting. I hate when things change and I can't fix them, can't change it back.

I dropped my laptop yesterday. The hard drive broke. I have to buy a new one and reinstall all the programs that were on there before, including Windows 7 which I will probably have to buy now, since it came free with my laptop.

The stupid mistakes I made leading up to this was:
1. I did not buy an extended warranty or insurance on my laptop.
2. (the worst mistake I could have made) I did not back up my hard drive. That is why I am now paying $80 in the hopes that my files, or some of them can be recovered.

I foresee a lot if money payouts in the near future.

It is hard to keep a positive attitude in a situation like this. I feel powerless, and I hate feeling that way. I know it is just a laptop and my whole life isn't lost, but there is a lot on that laptop that was valuable to me. It is like hiding a whole bunch if diamonds and coming back to discover they are all gone.

Needless to say it was a miserable day for me.

It is rosh chodesh Adar bais and I am not happy. I know I am supposed to be but it is hard. We made a really cute art yesterday. It was inspired by the preschool class. (fun for adults too.) You take a big cardboard paper. Cut out a shape using contact paper, then peel it and stick it onto the cardboard. Then you pour water color paint onto the cardboard, and blow it around with a straw. It will give the cardboard a cool tie-dyed kind of look. Then when it is dry you peel off the contact paper, and your shape will stand out bright against the colorful background. Try it, it's really cool and fun to make.

Mine was a smiley face with the words, "it's all good" around it. Yes, I try to remember that all the time but sometimes it stays outside my brain and doesn't seep in like it's supposed to.

I try to remember that everything that happens is hashgacha pratis, and everything happens for a reason. But a voice whispers in my ear, "na that's only for the really big things, not something small like this". But I know better.

I wonder why this had to happen. Was it punishment for something I did? Was it to teach me a lesson?

Or was it a test for me to pass, to rise above the pain and realize that all is not lost? That I am still me, I am healthy, I have money and food and a place to live, I am taken care of, I have family and friends, and a whole life ahead if me.

It is still upsetting that from one little thing everything changes. It is something I struggle with constantly. What if? What if I hadn't dropped my laptop? What if I had backed up my files like Mcafee has been warning me about for months? What if this never happened and I didn't have to ponder the reason why?

But it did and I do. I don't know why things happen. But I do believe that some things are beyond my comprehension. And I know that G-d is in control and He knows way better than I will ever know.

I will hang up my painting, and every time I look at it I will remember this, that all is not lost, and it's all good.

And even when it doesn't seem that way, I know it will be okay.

Food for thought

I like the quote of the day today: "We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves." -Galileo Galilei

Sometimes people don't even realize what kind of strengths or talents they possess. It takes experiences, and people around them to help them discover it.

Another thing I have learned in life: always look ahead, because looking back will get you nowhere, and you might bump into a wall. Some people dwell on the past. But then, you are not really living.

On the other hand, don't rush your life, because it'll be over before you know it and you will not even have enjoyed it.

I counted 15 weeks until the end of the school year. 15 weeks until my job is done. There is a lot of good things happening in the near future. Things to look forward to. But if you look too far ahead you trip over what is right in front of you.

My grandmother keeps asking me what I have planned for next year. (She can't wait to hear that I will be going back to college.) My answer every time is, I have no idea. Next year is one big question mark. I don't like planning so far ahead because plans fall through. And of course, sometime we plan things to the T, but G-d has a different plan for us.

So what I'm saying is, just live life and enjoy every day. Don't look back, don't look forward, just live in the moment and make lasting memories.

Have a good Shabbos.

Back to life

My sleep fogged brain is trying to comprehend what is going on around me. It is strange trying to get back into things after being away a whole week. And the first thing I did when I got back- make dinner. Oh yes they definitely missed me over here.

I had an amazing week in Toronto. It was so good to see everyone I haven't seen in awhile, and of course I'm happy I made it to the wedding. I'm G-d willing looking forward to many more simchas in the near future.

I can't help glancing at the calendar to see how many days are left. But there are lots of fun stuff coming up so I'll be quite busy.

Now it's back to work and back to life. All my body wants right now is sleep, but tomorrow morning it will really hit me that I'm back.

School revisited

How do you put emotions into words?

I walked into my old classroom from 12th grade. The wave of emotions that hit me were unexpected. I didn't like high school when I was there, so I assumed the same feelings of resentment would surface when I revisited. But instead I missed it.

I saw myself three years ago sitting there with my friends, joking and laughing and arguing. This is where it all took place. I missed the feeling of being a part of something, the feeling of being protected and part of a little world where everything that happened was on a much smaller scale. The repercussions of our actions were not that great. We were sheltered from the reality of the "real" world. I can't help feeling like I'm on my own now and everything I do really matters.

I had a heart to heart talk with my old principal, the very same one who I couldn't stand, who shoed me back into class and threatened to send me home when I cut class. Suddenly, I saw her in a different light. She did all that because she cared about me, and still does. I respect her in a much different way now. I feel like a real person, I live in the real world now instead of the pseudo-make believe world we called high school.

It was weird not knowing most of the girls there. But it was okay. They were not around when I was in high school, and they will never share my memories. I mean nothing to them but that's okay too. One day they won't mean anything to the next generation.

School was such a big part of my life. It's hard knowing it's over and will never be again.

Torono, Chrono, Chronto, Canada-aye

The coffee tastes really good. It goes down sweet and warm. Tastes like cinnamon. I am not a coffee person but I can make an exception once in awhile.

What do you write when you have nothing much to say? I figured, anything as long as it will bump my last dismal post farther down.

It is hard and sad when someone passes away. We went to pay the girls a shiva call. I didn't say much. What is there to say to them? I'm sorry you lost your father? No one should ever know from such sorrow.

I'm in Toronto now. When I arrived it was with a mix of curiosity, like I wonder how much the city has changed since I was last here two years ago. And a sense of familiarity, like I recognize that street, that store, that name. But thank G-d there was no feeling of dread since I am no longer entrapped in high school here.

It is 'Family Day' today here in Canada. A time to spend with ones family bonding, I suppose. Interestingly enough, all the stores are closed.

My head is still a bit woozy from my ten-plus hour bus ride. And of course sleeping half the day. Now that it is nighttime, time to explore.

The coffee is cold now. Toodeloo.

A life that was taken

I can't reverse the decision,

can't change back the clock.

Can't take away the pain

cannot make it stop.

Abundance of sorrow

river of tears

hearts that break,

deepest fears.

Just one day

will be remembered forever

commemorated,

not celebrated.

A father, a husband, and grandfather

so many things

to so many people

suddenly taken away.

I freeze, can't move

a part of me knew it could happen.

But the reality is like

a punch to the stomach.

I call my father to tell him

I love him.

But it is not really

about me.

It is about those two girls

and their family

who lost their father

yesterday.

We don't understand

we feel it's not fair.

And still we say

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

February 14

February 14 is a day like any other. It doesn't mean much to me, it is just another day on the calendar.

To some people, February 14 is called Valentine's day. It comes hand in hand with red hearts, chocolate, flowers, and other cutesy stuff. People buy each other gifts, perhaps jewelry, they give out cards to tell their loved ones how much they mean to them.

I always figured, why concentrate it all on one day? Show the love by spreading it out throughout the year, and making sure to say I love you every day, in different ways.

Nobody asked me to be their valentine, but that's okay. There is a lot more to life then red hearts and candy.

Happy February 14.

P.S. Chocolates would be nice.

My life in a nutshell

As I sit here typing a blogpost on my dying Itouch in the laundromat many things come to mind. But none of which I can share with you dear blogger. Oh no, those thoughts are for my (non-existant) diary alone. What I can tell you however is that this Shabbos I will be going to Monsey and I will get to see my beautiful niece once again.

(I am now typing on a real computer, my ipod died after the word 'can').

I vowed to never be one of those people who broadcast their life, and their woes in particular, to the whole world. Honestly, I would rather keep all my problems and sorrows bottled up inside then bother other people with my burdens. Unhealthy, some might say. But everyone has their ways of dealing with things.

On the other hand, I am not the type to pop back up in a year or two to say, "oh by the way I got married and have a child now." I am of the opinion that good news should be shared. (Meaning an engagement.)

I also vowed to never discuss shidduchim and dating like it was a an item on the menu. Whether people talk about shidduchim bitterly, or put a humorous spin on it, I am of the opinion that it shouldn't be discussed, period, besides for with parents and close friends.

So if I can't talk about dating here, and I can't tell you what I'm really feeling and thinking and what is really going on in my life, then what can I say?

Sometimes silence is best.

I will be sojourning soon to another country for the occasion of my friend's wedding. It is a country we call our neighbors, but I don't give it much credence. Tis called the land of the Canadians.

Toronto, here I come.

Use caution

Two snow days in a row can make anyone go crazy. The funny thing is, it is not snowing out. Yesterday it hailed, and today the roads are frozen over.

What I am afraid of most: an icicle falling on my head and injuring me. And slipping on the ice and injuring myself.

Either way, today it is safest to stay inside.

Ten Years

I hate the picture. I mean, I know you are supposed to hate it, and universally it is like a 'let's hate our pictures' club, but I really hate it. He made me take off my glasses so there wouldn't be a glare. Today I looked better with my glasses on, I just know it. It was a lose-lose situation. 

I am talking about my new passport picture. The one I will have for the next ten years. 

Ten years. It feels so final. Ten more birthdays. A husband, children, a job, a house. Who knows what will happen in the coming ten years? It is weird to think that this picture, and the passport I have yet to get will be with me for that long.

A picture is a moment frozen in time. G-d willing I will look different by the time the next picture comes around.

Here's to a great ten years for everyone. Health, and happiness, and lots of good things.

Why I cry

You ask me why I cry

But I can't tell you why.

My mouth fills with saliva

As I try to chew my food

I try to swallow but I can't.

It is caused by the tears in my eyes

that won't stop falling.

They pool like a river in front of me.

I cry so hard until I can't breath

Silent sobs shaking my body.

My stomach clenches and I want to let it go.

I want this to end but I

Can't

Stop

Crying.

Winter in Orange Connecticut

I love the way my breath fogs up in the cold air. I love the way the snow falls, sometimes lazily and steadily, and at other times franticly. There are times it seems like the snow is just big chunks of paper cut up into uneven squares.

I don't like the cold. I also don't like waking up early. Today, I had both.

My hands numb even inside my gloves, shoulders hunched over the steering wheel, hair mussed from sleep, skirt and sweatshirt thrown on over pajamas, here I am at eight AM, my least favorite time of the day, in the cold. I am driving the girls to school.

The dorm is right next to school.

The snow fell all weekend and covered up the path through the woods to school, making it inaccessible. I am just doing my part in making sure these girls don't miss out on their education. I hope that goes on my list of good deeds.

The street we live on is an expressway. The only way to get back to the dorm is to make a U-turn and go all the way around the block; So much for being right next door.

This whole winter thing just doesn't sit right with me. Whenever it comes I always look forward to its end.

There is much to be said about winter, but warm and fuzzy it is not.

Comfortable in your own skin

Very few people are ever fully comfortable in their own body. They get self-conscious at times, situations embarrass them. If a person is fully comfortable with who they are, you can tell. They walk with a swagger, a certain walk that says I know who I am and I like who I am. This can be a humble walk. There is such a thing as quiet confidence.

There is a reason many people become actors. Acting is putting on a mask. Even in ones own life one may have many masks. Sometimes it is easier pretending you are someone else, then being confident in the real you. 

I don't like when people put on an act in regards to friendship. A fake friendship is no friendship at all. Rather treat me like a stranger and ignore me than pretend that you are happy to see me. But there are other areas of life where acting can be beneficial. 

Suppose you are like me and you have a hard time making decisions. This can have a negative effect on your life if you are constantly stalling because you can't decide what to do, or it takes you forever to make that final leap. It helps to take yourself out of the situation. Just for a moment, I imagine that I am not Altie struggling to make a decision that I can't decide about. Instead, I am hypothetically someone else. Hypothetically, this is a good choice and I would benefit from it. Hypothetically, I will be happy with my decision. Hypothetically, I already know what I will decide. 

So in that moment I reply with the affirmative, and the decision has been made. Of course it was me making the decision, but for a second I stopped thinking like I normally do, and acted as if I never had trouble making decisions my whole life, and in that second I was confident and sure of what I chose.

Sometimes that is all a person needs. To step outside of ones life, look at it as if from an observers perspective and say, if I weren't me with all my downfalls and negative characteristics and the usual things that hold me back from being the perfect me, what would I do?

Hopefully the hypothetical me will one day become the real me.

Happy Tu B'Shvat! Apple people

A friend of mine did this for Tu B'Shvat so I decided to copy her idea. Mine didn't turn out that great but here it is.

Silence

The snow falls softly and covers the earth, masking all sound. The silence is beautiful.

There are many different kinds of silence. There is angry silence, comfortable silence, awkward silence, tense silence. I like comfortable silence the most. When you are with someone and you don't feel the need to talk, because you are content to just be with that person or think your own private thoughts.

There is the silence of being by yourself. Most people don't talk to themselves when they are the only one around. It is okay to talk to yourself in a crowded grocery store, but when you are alone in the house it is weird to hear the sound of your own voice.

There is a certain morning silence. It is that time that starts when you wake up, and ends when you utter your first words of the day. Some people, myself included are not morning people, and would rather not talk in the morning if they don't have to.

I was struck by a weird thought. From when I woke up this morning, I did not speak to anyone until around three o'clock. There was simply no one around, until I went into a store and greeted the cashier. And even then it was maybe a word or two. If you don't see anyone or you are alone, you don't feel the need to talk. I see it as an opportunity to rest your vocal chords and just take everything in. When you are not busy gabbing away you are able to pay more attention to your surroundings.

I wonder what it would be like to be a mime.

There is a reason there are sayings like, "silence is golden." It is okay to be quiet sometimes, to refrain from talking and to just listen. To feel. When we stop talking we use our other senses and we see things or hear things we wouldn't have otherwise seen or heard.

Take a deep breath of fresh cold air, close your eyes and just listen. Feel the silence.

Remember

Sometimes it is hard to remember. I forget the little details, I forget the special times. Everything fades and blurs into each other, until I am afraid that I will forget my own childhood.

The oddest things stick with me. I remember when I was in first grade and my teacher was telling a scary story. She grabbed me to use me as a prop, when suddenly my tooth fell out.

My earliest memory is when I was three years old. I remember my old house in Massachusetts, but vaguely. I remember a garage sale, my uncle coming to visit, and a case of chocolate syrup. Sometimes I wonder if I made up these memories, maybe from stories my mother told me. But I know in a certain part of my brain, there are memories that are there but I can't remember them. And that scares me.

We take pictures to remember. We want to remember the fun times we had. I can only imagine having amnesia and not being able to remember who you are, or recognize the people closest to you.

It is a scary thing to forget. My mother told me a story of something I did when I was little, but I don't remember it. I don't remember how I celebrated my ninth birthday. I don't remember when my little brother was born. Sometimes I wish that I could record my whole life, so I will never forget anything.

And then I remember. I remember the things I try so hard to forget. I remember the people I wish I never met. I remember being scared, I remember being hurt, I remember situations I wish I was never in. and it is then that it hits me; the power of memory. G-d gave us memory so we could remember, but also the ability to forget. Sometimes, it is okay to forget. Sometimes we forget because we don't want to remember.

I remember the things that matter. And yes, I forget. It is hard to forget. It is hard to search your memory for something that you know must be in there, but you can't find it. It is like looking for something that is lost. I wonder if it is lost forever, or if it is in there somewhere, waiting for the right time to pop up, waiting until I need a reminder of a time long gone. And then it will surface.

Sometimes I worry that I will forget my childhood. Sometimes I worry that I will forget everything I ever learned. I worry about being old and having no memory at all.

But then I remember that I will never forget me. I will never forget who I am. I will never forget the people and the times that mattered the most. I am reassured because I know that there is a hidden part of me, the part that remembers how to walk every day, to eat and sleep and drink and talk, I know that part will never forget.

What I learned from a blizzard

The kinderlach decided to make a cake. (Kiderlach here referring to the dorm girls.) I said sure why not. Big mistake.

I came into the kitchen to find them using the milchig hand mixer with a fleishig bowl. So I told them they couldn't put the cake in the fleishig oven. We improvised and made two tiny little pans out of foil and baked them in the tiny toaster oven. Now we have two tiny cakes.

I figured it would be nice, they were all bonding, even though I know none of them really know how to bake. But they were bored. It's a snow day today.

I hear the 'big snow storm' missed New York and came to us instead. It started snowing last night, I don't know what time. I went to sleep late and woke up late and looked out my window to find the whole world covered in powdery white stuff. It is funny how something so little and insignificant can have the power to cancel school, to immobilize people.

I decided to drive over to school to prepare dinner (school is right next door.) I got only a few feet down the driveway when my car got stuck. So I left it there and walked. I trudged through literally two feet of snow. It came up to my knees. The side door at school was completely blocked off. Needless to say, the building is empty. My boots and leggings got caked in snow and I fell once. I can't remember why I used to like snow as a kid.

The professor taught me to find a lesson in everything. I was wondering, what can I learn from snow? Then it occurred to me. Snow is so pretty and shiny and beautiful. One snowflake is tiny and harmless. But when millions and billions of snowflakes pile up outside your door, or cover your entire driveway, then it is impossible to get out.

Each person on their own may be little or insignificant. One person may be the world, but there is not much you can do on your own. Maybe if everyone banded together towards one cause, one goal, anything is possible.

If people stopped judging other people by clothing and outer appearance, by where they go to shul, who they associate with, what they watch or listen to, and focus on the inside, on what really matters, on an individual's heart and soul, maybe moshiach would be here now. Who knows what it's gonna take.

Enjoy the beautiful snow, or lack of, and when you look around you see beyond the external. See the essence.

Tomorrow is a brand new day

I gave up today. In more ways than one.

Everybody has those days, when things just don't work out. It sucks. I tried to return something to Target, but they wouldn't take it because it didn't have the tag on. I could have sworn it didn't have a tag when I bought it. There's a waste of twenty dollars. Now I have to hold onto something that I don't need and will never use.

I needed to make dinner. I needed to go shopping. I had so many errands to run, and not that much time. And then I was asked to help out with a high school program. I am supposed to be a dorm counselor, but also a program director's assistant. Which comes first? I don't know. In my book, making dinner trumps sitting in a boring meeting for an hour and a half, doing nothing and getting nothing done, as people crack their heads brainstorming. I am supposed to be there because it is partly my job, but what they don't know is that brainstorming is almost my least favorite job, and I suck at it. I wish I was anywhere but there. How can I do all the things I need to do? Maybe I can split myself into a few Alties.

I cut someone off in traffic. It feels good. Then I remember that he didn't do anything to me, and he is not the reason I am having a bad day. I don't know why I am having a bad day. Optimists will say things like, smile and it'll all be okay. Turn that frown upside down. Your attitude determines your future.

I say, who cares about any of that stuff? Sometimes I think I was born with a frown on my face. I am a sworn pessimist. What can go wrong, will go wrong. Sometimes it's just not worth it to try to make yourself be happy. It's easier to just ride the wave of anger.

It takes a few funny comments from my friend and a little bit of fresh air for me to calm down.

It's hard when things go wrong. It's hard when I get upset and I am not in a good mood, no matter what. It's hard when I know I will never be one of those people who is always smiling, and finds the good in every situation no matter what happens. It is hard being a pessimist, believe me.

But at the end of the day I know that I will go to sleep and everything will look better in the morning. That is the advice my mother always gave me. It generally works. It is like the song by Ohad- stop, don't think about it, cuz tomorrow is a brand new day.

That is a reassuring feeling. It is nice to know that we get another chance tomorrow.

The Laugh

I was waiting in my car outside the store when I heard it. The Laugh. Two ladies were exchanging pleasantries, and as they turned to walk away, one of the ladies laughed.

It is a pleasant, slightly high pitched laugh. Kind of playful, yet flirty at the same time. It is a laugh that speaks volumes,

It can say things like: I have a secret life, but that is not for you to know about, so I will just laugh and keep you guessing.

It is a laugh that says, I am not fine despite what I say to you, so I laugh to try to prove to you that I am okay.

It says, I have no better way to end the conversation, but I really need to go, so I laugh.

It is a way of covering up the fact that you are uncomfortable.

It is a way of showing confidence, whether real or fake.

The Laugh is a language on its own. It says so many things, while not saying anything at all.

I can try for years, but I know I will never learn The Laugh. For it is not something that is learned. You either have it or you don't.

Clearly, I do not.

Never alone

I recently started reading a book called 'Don't look down' every night before I go to bed. It has short inspirational tidbits that are an easy read, and leaves you with something to think about as you drift off into the land of nothingness.

It gives a parable. There was a town that was located adjacent to a desert which was very hot and dry. Every stranger who passed through the desert to get to the town arrived thirsty and tired, all energy gone. In preparation for the journey, a person traveled light, sometimes with only the clothing on his back.

Once, a man arrived in the town carrying a heavy violin on his back. Despite the heavy weight, and the heat of the desert, the man seemed refreshed and energized, not tired and lethargic like most. The people of the town thought this most unusual, and so they inquired as to how he was not tired despite his heavy burden.

"Ah, but there is the answer, my friends. You look at it as a burden. But to me, it is what kept me going. When the sun got so hot and I began to tire, I sat down and played my violin. The beautiful music was like a balm on my soul. It refreshed me and gave me the strength to keep going. My violin is never a burden."

The comparison is the Torah. Some people look at it as a burden, something extra on top of everything else there is to worry about in life. They see it as an obligation, but nothing more than that. They resign themselves to their fate, and do it as if it is shackled to their leg.

What they don't realize is, the Torah is like the beautiful music. It is something that will keep us going and give us strength to overcome our real burdens in life. The Torah is not a burden. It is sustenance.

I watched a movie yesterday called "Letters to G-d". It is about a young boy who has cancer, and how he has such strong faith throughout it all. His mother despairs, his brother is filled with anger towards G-d, but the little boy Tyler, he writes letters to G-d. He tells G-d everything. About his best friend, how he wants to hear his mother laugh again, about his neighbors, and his classmates. Also about his cancer. He sends them in the mail, with postage stamp and all, addressed, 'To: G-d, From: Tyler'. It is cute, but he truly believes that it will get to G-d somehow.

It is based on a true story, and Tyler dies in the end. It is sad, but it is so beautiful to see a boy so young, and being sick on top of that, to have such strong faith and such a close connection to G-d.

Remember that. Whenever you are feeling alone, like you have no one to talk to, no one understands you, remember. There is always the One who will listen, He knows, He understands, and you can always turn to Him for comfort and for answers.

YOU

I think of you when I'm happy,
and I think of you when I'm sad.
I think of you when I'm lonely,
and I think of you when I'm mad.

I wonder where you are now,
and if you think of me.
I yearn to be together with you,
and start a family.

You are elusive,
I don't yet know who you are.
I wonder when that day will come,
it seems so very far.

I practice what I will say to you,
and how our meeting will be.
I make up a story in my head,
a fairytale so rosy.

Will we meet on a train, or a plane,
or in the grocery store?
Will it be on a date, or fate,
that will make you hold open the door?

Will I know you when I see you,
or will it take some time?
Will I reject you for someone better,
or mistake you for a mime?

I guess I can ask you all this
when you show up in my life.
But I don't know when, or where,
I will become your loving wife.

So meanwhile I wait for you,
but not to worry, I'm not bored.
I have to go make dinner,
I'm off to the grocery store.

I will wait in aisle seven,
come find me if you please.
'tis rather cold here,
I do not wish to freeze.

What G-d has in store, we can never know.
But when the clock ticks eight,
and you are late,
how long must I wait?

GOODBYE 2010!

And I just have to say it..... GOODBYE 2010! It's been a good year.

A pleasant surprise

For a second, I can't breath. It is literally a heartbeat, but in that heartbeat my lungs refuse to fill with air, my heart speeds up, my eyes lose focus and I still can't force air through my mouth. I hyperventilate. I tell myself that I am fine, that I am on solid ground, yet it feels like I am moving. The waves keep coming towards me, I see no land around me, and I am feeling nauseous. I thought it would be a freeing feeling, standing on a boardwalk suspended over the water. But the only thing I am feeling is nervousness and nausea. I shall never travel on a cruise ship. I like to be on solid ground.

Two classmates. Two, within two weeks of each other. That makes five out of thirteen. A pretty good ratio. But who is counting, right?

You stop being surprised after the first one, the second one more so. Why should you be surprised when it is to be expected? It is more like a pleasurable shock, a thrill. For a second I can't believe what my eyes see, but then I smile. I am euphoric. It is good, it is right.

After five, it is to be expected, but I don't feel ready. They keep coming, but I am not ready for this, for change. So you smile, you say, I knew she would be next, you wish mazal tov, and you wait for the next surprise.

I have two lechaims to go to on Sunday. My brother's, and my friend's. At least I won't have to dress up twice.

Mazal tov, and many more pleasant surprises.

Snow snowy snowingggggg

I regret to inform you that the world does not stop despite being covered by over a foot of snow.

I gaze at the beautiful wonderland outside my window after having watched it snow all night. Yes, all night. I am safe and sound in my house as I watch other poor souls shovel in the street. Shoveling for fun, perhaps. When the monsters we call snow plows come, no one will stand a chance. And cars will remain in their snowy graves for days to come.

Oh how I love the snow, for it is beautiful and wondrous.

Happy holidays! Tra la la la la la la la.

Vacation!

When I try to think happy thoughts, it usually reminds me of children. They have a tendency to be happy for no particular reason. The word giddy comes to mind. A child's laughter is pure and untainted by sorrows or troubles. To them, being happy is the norm, and troubles or problems are rare.

Why does it seem that for adults, trouble and stress and problems are typical, and to be happy and laugh and to relax is so unusual?

I like this time of year. Everyone comes alive. It is cold outside, but people are happy and jovial. They know the holidays are coming. Yes, there is a lot of stress around the holiday season too, because people are trying to find the perfect gift, but mostly you feel the cheer and goodwill.

I went to the mall the other day, and wondered why there was a security guard directing traffic. Then I realized that there are a lot of store goers because of the holidays. It is not my holiday, that is why I forgot about it. To me, it was just another shopping trip to the mall.

Sometimes it feels weird to be the odd one out.

I like the colorful lights and the spirits. Outside it is cold, and inside it is- well, it is not nice and warm. The dorm is freezing because we are out of heating oil. I naively thought it just heats up by itself.

We have a whole week of vacation coming up, and I am greatly looking forward to that. I might be working at a winter camp. Why work during your vacation? Because it is fun. And I enjoy being busy.

Have a good shabbos everyone, and refrain from learning Torah. Play chess instead. (One of these days I have got to learn how to play.)

Happy vacation to me!

Defeat

You fall
get back up
brush yourself off and move on.

You fall again
get back up, again
and move on.

But how many times
can you stand up
after taking such a hard fall?

How many times
can you move on
when you have no fight left at all?

You freeze
paralyzed with fear
can't move an inch

Not backwards
or forwards
just stare blankly into space.

Lost your diamond ring
in the mud
but too tired to search

Too tired to think
to do
to move.

Worth the effort
or worthless?
That is the question.

But how many times
will you find yourself
in this same situation

And how many times
will you make the same decision
and do nothing at all.

Do you have faith?
Do you believe in miracles?
Still, you need to make the effort.

But what if
after all this time
you have no fight left in you?

So I stand here
looking at the mud
and what was lost.

I can't bend down to pick it up.
I can't think.
I can't do anything but stand here.

Defeated.

Mazal tov!!!

My brother is engaged!!!!! This is my oldest brother who is 29 KA"H, and we have been waiting years for this day. I told my mother, now G-d is giving a sigh of relief and saying, finally that lady will leave me alone for a bit. My mother has put her life on hold to get my brother married.

The kallah is a really sweet girl. I am so very happy for the both of them, and can't wait for the lechaim, which will be in 2 weeks, and another wedding in my family! Iy''h may we have many more of those in the future, and only simchas!

Making babies

It is a common term in the secular world, especially on TV shows and movies, when a couple decides "we are ready, let's make a baby." They tell people, "we are trying to have a baby." And then when it doesn't happen right away they get worried, they try other ways. Wouldn't it be simpler to never have prevented kids in the first place?

Before I learned about birth control, this concept of making babies didn't make sense to me. You got married, you had babies. End of story. Where was there a choice about it, a decision? I figured it was all up to G-d. Things are already decided in heaven before a baby is even conceived. Where then, is our choice in the matter?

But like all things on this earth, we always have a choice. And people choose whether or not to have a baby, and when. And then whether or not to have more children.

To me it is not a choice. I plan on having as many kids as G-d throws at me G-d willing, and then begging G-d for all the help I can get.

I don't believe in birth control, because I think every potential child should have a chance at being born.

Think about all those cute little babies running around.

Coming home

I didn't plan on coming, but I ended up here. It was like something pulled me here, a force I could not, and did not want to control.

It was freezing, but it was worth it. The water was so beautiful. It was peaceful, yet stormy at the same time. It was the perfect combination.

I let my mind empty of all thoughts, and let the waves and the sound and the sight roll over me like a soothing lullaby. It felt like... coming home.

I threw crackers to the seagulls, and laughed as they all scrambled to grab them. They looked at me with imploring eyes begging silently for more. I tried to throw some to the birds who were off to the side and looked like they couldn't fend for themselves, but the bully birds always got there first. I guess their natural inclination is fight for food or go hungry.

It was fun down till the last crumb, and then they lost interest in me.

I have a few sea shells to show for my visit today, but mostly it is something inside of me, something I can't explain, can't describe. It is a feeling.

Life throws me curve balls, and I do my best to deal with them as they come up. But sometimes I just need to get away from it all. Escape.

I found my place.

On Jewish music

This is a cute video. I commend the YU boys on their originality. I believe this video was aired on the news, and I can only imagine what a positive impact it has had, and how many Jews it has reached.

I do however want to point out a few things. This tune is from a popular non-Jewish song that is currently being played on the radio. As such, it is not appropriate for frum children to listen to. It is similar to how Matisyahu said his music was not meant for frum boys, but as an outreach to non religious Jews who know nothing about yidishkeit.

Personally, I hate hypocrisy. What you want to do in your own life, for your own family, that is fine. But don't be hypocritical about it. Don't preach about how non Jewish music is bad for the soul, how it is all tuma, klipa dekedusha, etc. etc., and then listen to so called "Jewish" music, which is nothing but a watered down version of the non Jewish music these days. I cannot tell you how many Jewish singers take a non Jewish song and put holy words to it and call it Jewish. And this is what you want your kids to listen to? I say, you might as well listen to the real thing.

Someone enlightened me to the fact that there is no such thing as "Jewish" music, that there is no source for what I was taught in school, that music effects the soul, and non Jewish music, specifically classical music, is associated with bad sources, therefore we shouldn't be listening to it.

At this point, I don't know what is or isn't true regarding music, I just want to make it clear that as much as you try to block out the 'goyish velt', here it is seeping straight into your home with the chrap called "Jewish Music."Maybe we should only listen to nuggunim. But then again, who is to say even that comes from a good source?

Whatever you do, don't be a hypocrite about it.

Enjoy the video.

The man who had no ears

Once there was a man who lost his ears. He was walking along, when suddenly he fell into an open pothole. As he fell through the hole, both his ears were sliced off his head. Luckily, he was alive, but now he looked very different.

He sued the city and won a settlement of a few million dollars. But what good was the money if his face was deformed?

It came time for him to date and take a wife. He was self conscious about not having any ears, and he wanted to marry someone who would look beyond that. On every date, he asked the girl, "what was the first thing you noticed about me?", ad if she said his ears, he would turn her down.

There was one girl he met whom he really liked, and after a few dates he decided to pop the question. "What was the first thing you noticed about me?" he asked her. She responded, "you wear contact lenses." He was pleasantly surprised and said, yes I wear lenses, but how did you notice that?

"Well, I figured you couldn't wear glasses because you have no ears".

(Here it is appropriate to laugh.)

Now I am going to analyze this story:

1) How could he slice off both ears while falling straight through a hole? If the hole was wide enough for his body to fall through, then it was not tight enough to cut off both ears at the same time.

2) If he won a few million dollars, why didn't he get reconstructive surgery, or better yet, an ear transplant? Then maybe he would look normal and not care what people thought of him.

3) If the last girl did in fact notice that he had no ears, did he marry her anyway?

4) Why would somebody make up a joke like this?

5) What lesson can we learn from this story? Look where you are going? Don't judge people just because they have no ears? Look beyond the physical imperfections?

I'll leave you with these points to ponder.

Happy Chanuka!

Chanuka is not about donuts and latkes. It is not about bake sales, or singing songs in nursing homes. It is not about ice skating, or building menorahs out of cell phones. It is not about parties, or dreidels, or fire on ice.

It is about none of those things, and all of them put together.

To me, Chanuka will always be a festival of lights. My mother explained it to me as a child, when I was trying to understand how we could do muksa stuff on chanuka if it was a holiday. She said, it is not a holiday, it is a festival. There's a difference. It is not a separation from the mundane, it is no different than any other weekday. And yet, it is a world unto itself.

Where's your light? That is the theme of the month in the high school. The month of kislev is full of light. R"CH kislev, Tes kislev, yud tes and chof kislev. And finishing off the month, Chanuka. It is about spreading the light into the physical. Infusing the mundane with spirituality.

The food we eat on chanuka, the parties and the fun activities, those are merely a vessel for the spiritual. There has to be a reason for it, other than just having fun.

Chanuka is a fun time of year. Yesterday it snowed a bit. It is cold outside, but inside it is nice and warm, around the menorah, with family, and presents, always food, and music, dreidel games, and good spirits.

Chanuka has to be about something more. It is about a miracle that we are still living today. It is about pride in being Jewish. Bringing light into the world, being stronger than all the other nations. Being a light unto all the other nations. It is about more than just good food.

A freilechin Chanuka, keep the gelt flowing, and enjoy a donut every night.

Go to Google

It is so interesting how Google changes their image to fit the holiday, or whatever special day it happens to be. It is also very educational. Every time I go to Google I wonder what image will it be today.

Google told me that today is the 55th anniversary of the day that Rosa Parks, an African American woman, refused to get off the bus and give up her seat to a white person. I remember learning about it in history, and how it was told was that she wasn't trying to do anything brave, she was simply tired and didn't feel like standing up. But respect to her.

And what is the image that google uses to display this? A school bus in the background, and little black children and white children running hand in hand. Alas, Martin Luther King Jr. prophecised that this day would come.

I stop and think about it for a minute. Would I defend myself the same way Rosa Parks did? It takes a strong person not to back down in the face of adversity, and to fight their enemies head on.

Here's to world peace, and harmony amongst our neighbors.