Tomorrow will come soon enough

Against my better judgement, I find myself awake well past 3 am. I tried to sleep, I really did, and the twisted sheets and blankets reflect that. For some reason most of my apartment mates are also awake. I go join my friend on her bed, and watch a cute video hoping to distract myself into sleep. But a part of me is refusing to shut my eyes.

Why does it seem that whenever things are going well I find some sort of way to turn it around? Things are great lately, Baruch Hashem. This is supposed to be my week break in between semesters. I am supposed to relax and wind down and refresh for a new semester. I already got back two final grades and got A+ and another A.

So why do I feel cold and shaky, seemingly out of nerves, but maybe also fear. Why does it seem that every time I see my future opening wide and bright, my past bumps into me from behind, as if to remind me that it can be forgotten but never erased.

No, nothing bad has happened, merely reflections. Sometimes reflections are not healthy. When a chapter is over you turn the page and move on. When a book is done you close the book and put it away and never take it off the shelf again. Yet I find myself feeling sad for a time, a place, a person that is long gone now. Not sad for myself, because I have nothing to be sad about. But sad for someone whom I cannot help, who may not even be able to help themselves. And as much as I feel like being the hero and saving the world and solving everyone's problems, sometimes there's really nothing I can do. Not my place to help, anyway.

Just a bit sad, and bewildered at how things turned out the way they did. Oh, G-d does have His funny funny ways....

I have a carefully wrapped birthday present for my one year old niece whose birthday party I am attending tomorrow. Tomorrow will come soon enough, the sadness will pass the festivities will begin, and G-d willing everything will work out in good revealed ways.