I'm different

Hello world. I'm still alive. Just busy. Very busy. But I did miss you. Every time a great idea for a post popped into my head I was so tempted to stop everything and sit down and write. But I'm busy. Oh so busy. Thank G-d.

Boredom breeds negative behavior, so keeping busy is a good thing. At work they added new tasks to my workload, which is fine once I get used to it. But it takes awhile to juggle a normal workload and the extra stuff.

At school I am really busy with end of term papers. I was up last night until 3 am editing a paper which was written as a group, and given my seal of approval. Not to be pretentious, but I am good at editing. So I had the final say and everyone loved it and I am looking forward to my A for effort.

I don't have enough time in my day to sleep, so (shrug), oh well.

My friend got engaged (Mazal tov!) and I am helping bake stuff for the lechaim. My roommate named herself my official taste-tester.

I'm so tired. I'm tired of grammar and punctuation and paragraphs and citations and papers and grades and tests and quizzes. I'm tired of traveling every day, to work and back and school and back, and then do it all over again. I'm tired of doing laundry and cooking food, and buying food, and eating food. Sometimes when I'm tired I think I should really not talk cuz who knows what will come out of my mouth.

My art teacher showed us a painting of Moses with horns. We all know that he didn't have horns, but still people think Jews are hiding something under their Yalmukas. So my teacher said, does anyone here know why Moses has horns? Anyone wearing a Yalmuka? No one raised their hand. So he started making something up, and then I raised my hand, and then he laughed and said he was joking, he knew the real story.

When they talk about Jews I feel like everyone is looking at me even if they are not. When they talk about Israel I feel like everyone expects me to jump up wearing an Israeli flag and protest. When they talk about Jewish holidays they look at me for approval to make sure they are pronouncing it right. Today a guy said his coworker gave him Matzah, ("Is that how you say it?"), and it was great.

Hey everyone! I'm Jewish! I AM JEWISH!

I used to be so tired of being lumped together with everyone else. I spent my whole childhood trying to "discover myself" and separate myself from the masses, and be different. I wanted to be different because everyone was the same and I wasn't like everyone, so what was I.

I protested the box, the cookie cutter mold, the stereotypes. I vowed to take my own path, to do my own thing, to be my own person, to be different.

When my brother was dating, my mother would tell people that he needed a different kind of girl. So people tried to set him up with girls who were weird, or funky, or not religious. My mother had a hard time explaining that my brother was different, but not that kind of different. Yes, there are many types of different.

Instead of being part of the masses I broke away and did my own thing and no one bothered me and life was good.

Then I entered the real world. And my differences were glaringly obvious. I tried to pretend that they didn't exist, that I was 'just one of you'. Suddenly, I hate being different. I hate standing out. I hate having to explain why I can't shake hands, why I wear skirts all the time, why I can't take an exam because it's our holiday, ("What holiday? Shavuot? What's it about?" I have no idea, we eat cheesecake.) Why we live in Israel despite the fact that the Palestinians think it is theirs. Why women wear wigs. Suddenly, I just want to be they same.

I want to be recognized as a person, because I am smart, and articulate, and skilled. I want people to know that I have what to add to a group discussion and class presentations and that I am not just different because I am Jewish, but because I am me and I am not you.

I do realize that years ago I may not even have had the opportunities I do now. People would taunt and hurt Jews, not look at them like interesting creatures under a microscope to be studied and questioned. Should I encourage questions? Probably. Do I have all the answers? No. Sometimes they ask me questions that even I question. What do you say then?

Some people might tell me that this is a beautiful opportunity to enlighten the world and be a good example, etc. Yes. I know. But when we talk about stereotypes and they say that some people say Jews are rich, it feels weird that they are singling ME out, and I laugh along with everyone else, but I keep quiet because I am hoping no one is looking my way.

No, I'm not ashamed. Not in any way. I admire frum guys for wearing tzitzis and yalmukas on campus and I would proudly do so if I were a guy. And yes it is less obvious just by the way I dress that I am a religious Jew.

I'm different. I know I'm different. I'm different because when my professor brings Italian cannolis for everyone and asks if there is anyone who can't have and I say me, and it's not because I'm allergic and then he offers to bring me a 'rugale', I laugh and say no thanks.

But sometimes I just wish I could eat that cannoli with everyone else and not feel so out of place.