Dichotomy

It's been like this forever, really,
as long as I can remember.
Fun, breezy and sweet
would turn dark and sinister quickly,
like two halves of one crazy whole.

We've tried, oh we've tried,
and it's gotten better lately.
Better as in, I'm hardly ever around,
better as in, we don't talk much anymore,
better as in, love from far far away.

I don't want to understand it.
I don't want to question it
and take it apart
and get to the bottom of it.
Because I fear that I won't be happy with the answer.

So I pack it up
in a neat little box with a label
and file it away in a deep dark place
and try not to think about it,
"Let's pretend this never happened".

And suddenly you want to be my best friend,
You tell me things like "Proud" and "Wonderful",
all the things I've always wanted to hear,
Which you should have told me years ago,
But now I find them hard to believe.

So I put the singing card in the closet,
and try to think about it never,
Why you signed your name differently this time,
as if we could erase all the bad times,
and start over fresh.

But I'm just not sure I have the strength for that anymore.
Cuz every time you smile at me,
inside I'm tense and uneasy,
waiting for the other shoe to drop,
As if I can't really believe you've changed.