Hazzzze

Please,
hold me together when I fall apart.

Please,
keep me sane when I go crazy.

Please,
be my boundaries when I lack control.

Please,
be my rules when I have none.

Be my morals. Be my self-control. Be my planner. Be my brain.

Be.

My.

Everything.

Be my parents. My friend. The stranger on the train who listens to me blubbering.

Be my comfort. My hug. The one who shakes me and slaps me when I need a jolt.

Be what I cannot always be for myself.

But that is crazy, really. Because only I can ever really be for me.

So I pull myself together, (voice in head: Altie! Pull it together) even though all I want to do is fall apart. But no one seems to care. No one but me.

I buy sushi and I eat. And I think. And I make a list of everything I need to do.

And I realize that, although I am nervous and stressed:

I did not break down.

I did not cry.

I did not quit or run away.

Because when there's so much to do, and no one to do it for me, I really have no choice but to do it myself.

There's always a choice. But I choose sane, sane, sane.

And I get an A for effort.