It is the laws of human nature to want to be accepted.
To want to be a part of something,
rather than being on the outside looking in.
Inside, the warmth surrounds,
but does not fill.
Like sitting near a blazing fire
but feeling cold inside.
The laughter abounds,
the chatter and gossip passed around.
A silent listener,
merely an observer.
But never one of them.
There is a house, a new one now.
So different than it used to be.
Right next door, it stood.
That house is gone now.
But even then, it was you against them
and them and the world against you.
They always won.
None of this is yours to claim,
since you don't share their name.
You can pretend, like children do,
but family is a strong bond, and you are not a part.
The light, the laughter, the company-
it is all borrowed, to be returned at the end of the night.
When relatives come pouring inside
from all corners of the world.
You serve them tea,
and then you leave, your time is up.
Forever will you be standing at the window
on the outside looking in.
Looking in at a family so close,
a family that is not your own.
Very powerful. I think I experienced a good bit of this in my process of becoming a ba'al teshuva - especially when I had a particular family that became my Shabbos lunch family when my own parents didn't do anything after shul (thankfully that has changed dramatically for the better).
ReplyDeleteWe all seem to want something different than what we have, and we never really know what the negative aspects of others' lives are, and they always exist. It's a very big challenge, and I can't claim to be better at accepting this than others. We all struggle with our familial challenges, and I think it is important to recognize them and to some degree embrace these issues so that we can resolve them as best as we can.
I know it's not much comfort, but as a friend says, "Life isn't pashut."
May you find yishuv hada'as and no longer feel like an outsider...
'Grass is greener on the other side' mentality? Partially, but it is also hard when it is blatantly obvious that your family is lacking. When you are a kid you don't know any different. And then you grow up and it's hard not to compare your family to everyone else's.
ReplyDeleteThe funny ting is, my mother was talking to a friend of her saying, how come your kids never fight, your family is so perfect? And te lady said, are you kidding me, even my married daughters fights and say ma you care about her more than me. I guess you never really know what goes on.
But this poem is not so much judging as feeling like something is lacking. Which I guess what you are saying is the first step to fixing it. Ahh, but that is hard to do.
Thank you for your comment.