Just another thing I have to do that I didn't know about. Saying the hagadda on shabbos hagadol? Never heard about it. Do I really have to do it? According to the girl in front of me, I do, though this is the first time I heard about it.
There are a few things I really can't stand. Doing something I have to do is one of them. It's one thing doing what G-d says. Yes, He commanded me 613 motzvos, but if I don't do them, only He will know. And will He scream at me, let me know I let Him down? Not in this lifetime.
Sometimes I'm not sure I want any of this. I don't want to be a part of it. I'm Jewish, ok. I was born Jewish, I can't change that. According to G-d, I have to be religious. But there are planty of secular Jews out there, who are doing just fine. They don't do everything they should, and planty things that they shouldn't, and yet they're still around. So what about me?
The difference is, they don't know. They don't do it diliberatly. I was born with it, grew up with it. I can't deny knowing, so when I do something wrong, I'm held accountable for it. That doesn't seem fair, though.
I'm walking along Kingston Ave. I see all the mitzva tanks, left over from the parade. Yud aleph nissan, the Rebbe's birthday. What does it mean? What does any of it mean? I went into 770 to daven mincha. It's out of character for me, but I felt like it. That's how I do things, when I feel like it. And when I don't want to, I just won't do it. Simple as that.
G-d gave me free choice. I'm free to run my own life, so to speak. And yet, He gave me commandments that I must follow. So in reality, I'm not really free. I'm a slave to G-d. Right?
Someone explained it to me. By doing G-d's will, I'm actually free. By doing as the world says, or going according to my natural instincts, I'm imprisoning myself, being a slave to my desires. Makes sense? Not at all.
None of it makes sense. But it's not supposed to. You're just expected to do, without questioning. That's what the Jews did long ago, at Mt. Sini. But I have so many questions, I don't feel like just doing.
I just read a really weird book. It made no sense, and freaked me out. I only finished it because I can never leave a book unread. A girl viewed her own death. Than she realized why she had died, and that she didn't want to die, and that she had to fix the mistake she made. (Don't ask, I'm still trying to figure out what I read.)
The thing I realized is, in the end of the day, we all die. So you can try your best to do what's right, and get yourself lots of merits up there. Or you can live happy, do whatever the heck you want, and live your life as you wish. No rules. We all die anyway, so does it really matter how we live?
Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on a divide, between the good, and the bad. I have one foot on either side, and I have no idea where I'll end up. I just know that both sides have an equal pull on me, but at times, one is stronger than the other.
The goyish velt- the only way I can describe it. The music, the books, the lifestyle. The feeling that I can do whatever I want, with no consequences. I don't have to try to please anyone, or live up to any standards. I can go to college, get a carreer, and not feel like I'm letting someone down.
And the other side. The 'good' side. To be 'chassidish'. To go to shul on shabbos, to daven. To learn, to do, to feel. Theres so much life there, so much potential. I go to 770, and it's a whole different world there. These people know what they're doing, where they are going in life. They have excitemant, a warmth towards yidishkeit. It's a feeling I wish I had.
Sometimes I'm so sure what I want. And sometimes, I just don't know. I wish it were clear. I wish I could choose between the two worlds. But at the end of the day, theres no real choice. I know what I should do, where I should be. The real challenge is what, if anything, am I going to do about it.
And the answer? I just don't know.
hi altie
ReplyDeletei came accross your blog and love what you write, mainly because of the honesty you use when expressing yourslef - the advantage you have over lots of other religious "chassidish" jews is that you are really choosing it - if thats the way you choose. not many go through the freedom of really choosing it without any other pressures. I suggest you get someone like they call a 'mashpia' that is just as openminded as you to help guide you and guide your decisions.
keep up your great writing - it inspires me all the more!
You are right that whatever I choose is my choice, but it is mainly because of the way I was raised, and my own nature. I am stubborn in the sense that I don't like to do what people tell me, I don't like to follow rules. It sometimes gets me into trouble. But the choice is not easy, whatever the decision. And I agree that a mashpia is a good person to talk to, to help make decisions, and give an objective outlook on things. But again, it's hard for me to discuss things with people, and follow directions, even if they are just suggestions.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you, I'm always happy to hear that people enjoy my writing. It gives me the encouragment I need to continue writing. I hope you will continue to read my blog, and comment. Don't be so hesitant to use your real identity ;)
Yea it'll be hard to listen to a mashpia too. But you must understand that however much you like to make your own choice their are times when you have to listen to rules and a mashpia doesnt make you keep the rules but helps you realize how g-d's rule is really what you want. Because it is, g-d made you that way and yes your evil inclination can come up with 101 excuses and even encloth himself with the fact that thats your nature ;) i was thinkin about what you wrote and i heard something interesting today that really applies,
ReplyDeletefirst we have a problem and we don't want others to know about it, then we come to terms on a level that we can share it with our friends, then it becomes totally cool that we have this problem (take being ADD for example - you'll hear teens all over labeling themselves - and they are proud) then it becomes like part of us - its our personality and then it becomes like the part which we identify ourselves with - like what would we be without that individuality of that problem. - lol its pathetic but if we think of it thats realy waht it is and it seems to me now that i think about it that thats what your problem is too and now that you came to terms with it and i'm sure you joke about it too and you can even write up a whole beutifull article on it - that possess you when really thats just a problem you have. no one says we shouldnt acknowledge our problems, please do! But try to help it - get a mentor/mashpia who is openminded and understands you - someone who can make g-ds will your will ;)
i know its a long post but i thought you'd like what i had to share. take it or leave it and let me know what you think ;)
Wow. That was a lot to process in one reading. Ok, here's what I think.
ReplyDeleteAre you saying that my so called 'problem' is that I don't like to follow the rules, and that's what I identify myself by? You are right, in a sense. I liked your example, because people do like to stick out, to have something unique to identify themselves by, even if it is a 'problem'. And yes, I agree that I should get a mashpia. It's a good suggestion. But in the end, it's still all up to me, and it's my decison to do or not to do, to listen, or not. It's never an easy decision.
Hope this was a good enough response. Feel free to email me a reply, if you have a lot to say, because this place is not the best place for a discussion. abcgull@gmail.com
-Altie
yup its still your decision!!
ReplyDeleteyour right not quite the place for a farbrengen ;)