Skeptic at heart.

Would you take a free water bottle if it was offered to you? I would too. Everybody likes free stuff. But where's the catch?

No catch??

I'm a skeptic at heart. So when the guy at staples offered me a free ice cold water bottle as I was walking in, I said no thanks and walked right by. Then I paused, turned around, asked him, 'is it really free?' To which he laughed and replied "yes". Then I took one.

AND they were offering a free tune up for laptops, any day.

What do you say to that? No one expects free things in life, so when they come, you gotta be a little skeptical.

Tis the day

The dormies are coming.


And it all begins.....



DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.....

Free wifi!

It sucks not to have internet. Luckily, the library has free wifi. The internet in my house is down and I felt very panicky for awhile. It's like withdrawal symptoms. That should tell me something...

Everybody's leaving. My sister's friend whom I shared a room with the past 2 weeks left for Israel yesterday for seminary. My sister is leaving today to Italy. I'm leaving on Sunday. And my older sister claims, now she'll have the room to herself, but apparently she's not gonna be home this year either.

My little brother is gonna be the only one home this year. He is my baby. Soon, the nest will be empty, and my parents could fulfill their dreams of moving to Alaska and living in an igloo. Guess holidays will be squishy.

That's all for now folks. Until the next time I make my forage out to the library to use their wifi.

What has facebook done to me

When you are in a room full of people, do you just blurt out whatever thoughts are going through your mind? I should hope not. You know in movies when you can 'hear' a person's thoughts? "She is wearing way too much make up". "That dress is hideous". "Wow did she lose weight?". It's a good thing in real life people can't just hear your thoughts.

So why then do people feel the need to share every little thought they have on facebook? Facebook is just like a room full of people. Anyone can read your status, comment on it, and 'like' it. People write dumb things like, 'wow I love coffee I could drink 10 cups a day". Or, "There's nothing like the pain of getting your eye brows tweezed." (Okay that was my status.) Or just, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Now why would we want to 'hear' you scream?

See here's the thing: facebook statuses enable people to share stuff with other people. Like to tell them you are engaged, that your sister had a baby, that the sky is really blue and the grass is green. But people use it and abuse it and write whatever dumb thoughts come readily to mind.

I'm afraid I too have fallen prey to this phenomenon. I find myself under pressure to write a good status instead of (gasp) leaving it blank. So I end up writing something stupid like "I got a haircut", and "one more week..."

Tonight I went to my friend's sister's lechaim. (Mazal tov). When I got back I wrote something as my status, half joking, and someone commented on it and wanted to know why I wrote that, was I joking, it was weird and seemed so wrong for 'a girl my age' to write that, even as a joke.

For a second I felt robbed. Like someone reached into my brain, ripped out my private thoughts, and colored all over them with markers. I felt violated, like why can I not think whatever I want without you commenting on it, don't I get any privacy anymore?

Until I realized that this was my own doing. I myself have laid my "dirty laundry" out there for the world to see, to 'like', and to comment on. So why am I complaining?

I deleted that status. It has taught me a lesson that some things are meant to be kept private, not all thoughts have to be shared, and it's okay to leave a status blank.

Sometimes I get so sick of facebook and want to just delete it. But for now it stays.

Oh, and how come after all these years 'facebook' is still considered a misspelled word??

Art, for when words just aren't enough

I painted this in 9th grade. It started out as an airplane of an American flag, but I got frustrated, painted over it in black, and then used my hands and colors to make swirls. I call it Tornado in Space because that's what it looks like.

This famous painting now hangs in my bathroom. It reminds me of those times in life when everything feels out of whack, when you don't know which is up and which is down, and all you want to do is space out and block everything out.

Hope you enjoy looking at it as much as I enjoyed painting it.

The ups and downs of life

Some things just don't make sense. Like why G-d kills people. Two in one night. But we are not supposed to question that are we. So we say "Blessed is the righteous judge', spare a tear or two, and then go on our merry way.

And I thought it was going to be a quiet year. I asked G-d to make it a year with no sorrow or suffering. Now I know, who am I, and why would G-d take orders from me? But I would like to think that we are tight enough that He would at least consider my suggestion.

Some things make perfect sense. Like when a friend needs you, you are there, no questions asked. If it is to give a ride in the middle of the night, to provide alcohol so said friend could drown their sorrows away, or to help them bury a body, and then never speak of it again- there is no excuse not to be there for a friend. To be selfish is not to be a friend.

There are so many things clashing and colliding. When you are at a crossroads, as the given example goes for changes in life, and you don't know which way to go, but lets say for arguments sake that you do know where to go, and the problem lies in the traffic, a constant flow of oncoming cars that bars your way. What to do? Wait until it clears, or rush through it in the hopes of getting across unscathed?

You can't exactly stop your life when crisis or challenge arise. There really is no point to stop for an indefinite amount of time just to figure things out, or cuz you are too scared to move forwards or backwards. The correct procedure would be to stop and assess, and then go in the direction you deem most suitable.

So what do you want to do with your life? What do you want to do with your life? That is the question. How could you live your whole life being told what to do- go to school, study, try hard, respect your teachers, don't fight, share your snack, dress tzniusly, say your chittas, daven every day- yes it is understandable why a child must be taught all or most or some of those things. But along with it, is a child taught independence, free thinking, the ability to make ones own decisions about ones life? Or is that supposed to be figured out somewhere along the way?

At one point I thought I had it all figured out. What kind of guy I wanted to marry, how I wanted to raise my children, what career I wanted for myself, how I saw myself ten years down the line. And then somewhere along the way it changed and distorted, like a pencil in water. Maybe it didn't change, maybe I changed. Or maybe circumstances changed. But now I'm not so sure it's that clear anymore. Or that it ever was.

I live in a week from Sunday for my new job. I've never quit anything before in my life, and I don't plan on doing it now. I will stick out the year, I will put in my efforts for a year, unless The Elusive One comes along and sweeps me off my feet before then. Then I will regretfully say goodbye to my dormies and start a new chapter in life.

Well, here's for hoping anyway, right?

There's a song I like that goes, "It's just a ride", referring to life. Then I ask myself, should I take it as a joke, or just let loose and enjoy the ride?

Here's to the future

In all the chaos of the past few days, I forgot to announce that I got a job for next year! I will be gainfully employed, and thankfully not living at home.

I'm gonna be a dorm counselor for a high school near New York.

I wish myself much hatzlacha, I hope it will be a good year, and that I make a positive impact on the lives of these girls.

Good luck to everyone, and may this be a good fulfilling year, with lots of brachos, lots of simchas, and only good behavior.

Lechaim.

Oh what a day

Bubby Shemtov passed away. She was my first neighbor when we moved to Crown Heights. My memories of her from when I was a kid are actually pretty scary. She was always sticking her head out the window and screaming at us in the driveway to "pick up the gaaaarbage" (with a very strong Brooklyn accent). We just ran away. But we were kids, c'mon what did we know.

She was a great person and I'm sad she is gone. Too many great people are dying. I guess we either need some more great people in the world, or Moshiach. Or both.

Of course I was up at 2 am yesterday, so I got roped into babysitting the little kids while the family went to the levaya. I had to go. They are always there for us, it seems payback is necessary.

Slight problem: my friend was getting married tonight, (as I write this she is already married). The wedding was in New Jersey, and there was a bus going from CH to the wedding, leaving at 3:30. I couldn't find anyone to replace me for babysitting. Luckily my parents let me drive to the wedding.

I changed countless diapers today, fed and made bottles and entertained four little kids. Very cute little kids, but a handful.

I went to the wedding. Got there late, but that suited me fine since I don't really like weddings or dancing. (Not sure how I'm gonna attend my own. I'm considering eloping). The plus side was that I got to show off my new dress and really (substitute hottttt for) cute shoes I bought.

Now I'm home. I was tired and had to keep myself from falling asleep on the way there. My friend came on the way back so the chatter kept me awake.

It's been a long day. I can't even remember waking up...

Almost there...

I looked up to see the stars. They weren't there. Rather, they weren't visible to my eye. Perhaps because it was cloudy and rainy. Or maybe it was because they understood that this was not a place for them to be. This was a private place where people come to pray, to ask for blessings, to pour out their hearts. Maybe the stars didn't want to intrude. Almost like how flowers don't grow on graves.

Today I felt calmer then usual. Ready. For what, I don't know. It dawned on me that it was Rosh Chodesh Elul. In one month it will be Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. I can't believe a whole year passed already. Every year it is the same disbelief. Time goes so fast, you don't even realize it. There doesn't seem to be enough time to repent for all that I did this year. I don't even know where to start.

I asked for an answer, a clear answer what to do next year. Sometimes I ask and expect no answer. I don't know why. Maybe I don't feel worthy. But this time, I had faith that G-d would make it clear. And then my phone rang.

I am so close. I am almost there. The uncertainty and the doubts are preventing me from jumping into it, from being happy, from getting excited and putting my whole being into making it a good year.

Oh and then I got another call. And an email last night. Apparently I'm popular.

But that phone call- I think that was the sign I was waiting for. And I'm pretty sure I am close to accepting a job for next year...

I just need a little more time.

There will always be another one

If not me, someone else.

I didn't get the job because I couldn't work on Tuesday.

I couldn't work on Tuesday because I am meeting someone about a job for next year.

A job for next year trumps a temporary job for the next two weeks.

Hence, I didn't get the job. But don't worry, she found someone else to do it who can work every day.

Ever heard of a replaceable part? It is the smart way manufacturers make their products these days. Should you lose that small screw, wheel, or magnet for your machine, you can always buy a new one. No worries.

Are people replaceable too?

Some people can do a variety of things. Kind of like a 'Jack of all trades'. But what if you are skilled in only one area? Further, what if you are not even sure what areas you are skilled in?

If I can't do it, someone else will.

So it all comes down to this: fit a square into a round hole, or keep playing the slots in the hopes of finding an exact match?

Time is running out.

Breath of fresh air

I love the fresh air and the space. I love the trees and the grass, even if I do suffer from allergies every time I am around it. I love the possibility of sighting a bunny rabbit, even more exciting a deer, and worse, a bear. (Don't always believe people when they say they saw a bear right in front of them and then casually walked away.)

I got to hang out with my niece. We chilled. She is becoming a real person now. She smiles, she even laughed, and did this weird dance with her body. I just laughed at her. She is really cute, and I still can't comprehend that this little person is related to me.

I love going to shul and not worrying about what to wear, who will see you there, what they will think of you. Okay, the anxiety is still there, albeit on a much lower level.

Shabbos was very enjoyable, the company was great, the weather was awesome, and even though my allergies acted up a lot, I got to relax and unwind.

Last Shabbos I was in Pittsburgh, this Shabbos I was also not in Crown Heights thank G-d.

Next Shabbos in Jerulesam!

In the now

I sit here in my cozy sweatshirt that has my name on the front of it and says CGI Fox Chapel Staff on the back, the one we got as a gift from the shluchim, not missing camp at all. Ok maybe a little bit. I miss the campers, but I am glad it is over, and now I can sleep during the day, stay up till all hours of the night, and basically waste my days away. Yay.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion

New Blog in the house: http://meshugaparents.blogspot.com/

It is a blog dedicated to the topic of parenting, and how some religious Jews tend to be neglectful parents. While this topic has no relevance to me other then the fact that I was once (and still am) a child to religious parents, it may be a good read, and incidentally, everyone has something to say. Give it a read.

Reminders

I saw this page of quotes in a bathroom of the house where I was staying for shabbos. It was so cute we asked them to make copies for us after shabbos. Here they are. Some are very insightful.

1. The best way to get even is to forget.

2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

3. G-d wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight.

5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be maintained on earth.

6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then perhaps giving advice to G-d isn't such a good idea.

7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.

8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get knocked down by the traffic from both ways.

9. Words are windows to the heart.

10. A skeptic is a person who sees the Handwriting on the wall and claims it's a forgery.

11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill; just add a little dirt.

12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person- it's being the right person.

13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

14. Too many people offer G-d prayers, with claw marks all over them.

15. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

16. To forgive is to set the prisoner free and then discover the prisoner was you.

17. You have to wonder about humans, they think G-d is dead and Elvis is alive.

18. (They missed out number 18.)

19. You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet the water bill is higher.

21. Each day comes bearing its own gifts; untie the ribbon!

Which one is your favorite, and why?

Kohl's on facebook- for real or for fake?

Since I don't really believe in this stuff, (not very convincing, I know), I will say hey, why not, let's see if 'we' can actually help this school win a lot of money. You never know, right? The app on facebook seems to be blocking it on my computer, but many of you can vote anyway.

I am doing this as a favor, so click the link, and if you have facebook go ahead and vote at Votebcm.com.

The vast unknown

I am back in New York now. Hopefully not for long.

Next destination: unknown.

Camp is almost over... 6 weeks go by fast

It is 2 am and I wish I was asleep.

My head is filled with so much stuff I can't even think. I am so tired I could lay down on the carpet and fall asleep.

Tomorrow is mock wedding day and apparently I got hooked into being the rabbi. (Or did I volunteer?) I think I'm gonna try to get out of it.

Friday is the last day of camp. Here is my to-do list until then:

-Pack up/ clean up camp
- make sure newsletter gets done
- make sure slide show gets done
- design and print off labels for cd's (trying to figure out how to do that...)
- make sure bunk pages get done
- lots of other stuff I can't remember now.

My camp director went out of town for her brother's wedding. On the last day of camp, it will be just me... now my skills will be put to the test.

IY"H on Sunday night I will be home in my bed asleep, hopefully for at least 16 hours.

Funny things I ponder: why is lightening silent?

KENNYWOOD!!!!!!!!!!

I rediscovered the reason why I don't go on roller coasters. It has something to do with the fact that I do not enjoy, nor do I get a thrill out of having my stomach and heart drop out of my body. Why people enjoy this is beyond me.

My friends when sky flying. It is a cross between bungee jumping and sky diving. They asked me if I wanted to come. I just laughed.

I went on the water ride 3 times in a row. It was so much fun, I got soaking wet, and that was one ride that I didn't mind the feeling of falling out of my seat.

It was a great day. Now back to work.

Last week! Countdown: in 7 days I will be home.

Mr. Roger's neighborhood!

It was my favorite show as a kid. FAV-VOR-RITE. He was my friend. Every time the show came on it was like I was visiting his house.

We went to a radio station today, WQED. They started off with an introductory speech and video. When I found out that the show Mr. Roger's neighborhood was taped there my mouth dropped open.

They still have the original tree and castle that was used in the show.

I miss it, because it was a part of being a kid. Forget Disney Land, this was way cooler.

Take your favorite hero, tv character, book, singer, idol, times it by 5.

Hello World. I went to Mr. Roger's neighborhood!!

The mystery called Love

This article has been published in The Jewish Press




It's like black and white,
like day and night,
these two emotions,
two styles of love, so different.

Can they live in harmony?
Or must we choose one over the other,
and abandon one to the way side,
live without it,
because it is not a necessity?

Or is it something
that people much older and wiser would say,
with a wave of their hand,
'oh one day you will understand'.
But will I? Or do they just like to give advice...?

With a rose, on one knee,
a dance in the moon light,
a kiss in the candles glow,
but do you know,
is it real, or a product of too many movies?

A touch,
a hug,
a loving word.
Getting lost in the depths of another human being,
so enthralled, you see no one else.

A poem,
a letter,
comfortable silence.
A text, a phone call,
a reminder of a bond so strong.

Holding hands,
walking barefoot in the sand,
hair flying in the wind,
in a lovers embrace,
with a breathtaking sunset as a back drop.

Black and white,
learning quietly, or with a chavrusah,
watching from afar,
shepping nachas,
eyes bright with tears.

A glowing face,
a fresh bride,
a fresh groom,
pure and whole,
with life ahead and memories to make.

And no memories to be destroyed,
or forgotten, buried,
or rewritten,
until it is like it never happened,
because it should never have happened.

A peek through the curtains
so eager to see his face,
so happy,
and yearning to live life
together as one.

Sitting close together,
secure in his embrace,
a familiar scent, comforting,
and the reassurance that he is there,
next to you.

Things that are meant to be hidden,
but are revealed,
things that are meant to be private,
but are shared,
moments that should be yours only.

Like black and white,
day and night,
these two emotions
two kinds of love
so different.

Pure,
impure,
Love is a mystery to me,
a big question mark,
uncharted waters.

G-d and religion,
the whole shebang,
kids and family,
doing it, doing it well,
does the 'L' word have a place here?

A heart-
not a beating heart-
a pink heart, symbol of love,
does it have anything to do with life?
Or is it a figment of someone's creativity?

World,
if I throw myself into your waters,
if I throw myself into your arms,
let me know if I get it right,
or if I am spiraling down into the darkness,
searching for something that I do not know,
have never seen,
and will never find.

Love-
will I ever find it?
Or am I searching for something
that does not exist?