Almost there...

I looked up to see the stars. They weren't there. Rather, they weren't visible to my eye. Perhaps because it was cloudy and rainy. Or maybe it was because they understood that this was not a place for them to be. This was a private place where people come to pray, to ask for blessings, to pour out their hearts. Maybe the stars didn't want to intrude. Almost like how flowers don't grow on graves.

Today I felt calmer then usual. Ready. For what, I don't know. It dawned on me that it was Rosh Chodesh Elul. In one month it will be Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. I can't believe a whole year passed already. Every year it is the same disbelief. Time goes so fast, you don't even realize it. There doesn't seem to be enough time to repent for all that I did this year. I don't even know where to start.

I asked for an answer, a clear answer what to do next year. Sometimes I ask and expect no answer. I don't know why. Maybe I don't feel worthy. But this time, I had faith that G-d would make it clear. And then my phone rang.

I am so close. I am almost there. The uncertainty and the doubts are preventing me from jumping into it, from being happy, from getting excited and putting my whole being into making it a good year.

Oh and then I got another call. And an email last night. Apparently I'm popular.

But that phone call- I think that was the sign I was waiting for. And I'm pretty sure I am close to accepting a job for next year...

I just need a little more time.