Talk is cheap

I like to talk to people on the phone when I am walking somewhere. Then I don't feel so lonely out in the street alone. I usually call my mom. The conversation consists of me telling her how I am (work is fine, life is fine, this is what I made for dinner, bla bla bla) asking her how she is, (kids are fine, gym is great, weather is fine, etc etc), and I try to extend it until I am home. It is just reassuring to have her on the phone with me.

Someone once commented, 'Aww it's so cute how you say 'love you' to your mother on the phone'. I do it every time without fail. It is important to me. I want to let her know how I feel. I am not the type of person who says 'luv ya' to everyone I talk to or meet or see. Some people do. They use it like freebies, they hand it out to everyone. I think the term 'I love you' should be reserved for a select few. And even 'luv ya', which is cheapening it, shouldn't be used because it is cheap.

Talk is cheap. There are the talkers, and there are the doers. And of course, usually the talkers don't get very far if all they do is talk. It is important to DO. Some action is required if you want to get anywhere in life.

Type it up. Hang it up. Have it in front of you always. Don't forget it.

Which is why it is ironic that it is after midnight and I said I was going to go to sleep before 12 tonight.

Talk is cheap. Give your words some weight.

My little bag of Heaven

I'm a sucker for good smelling lotions and perfumes, and smiling sales persons. When I feel welcome and important, I am more likely to spend.

After an unsuccessful speed shopping trip, I went into Bath and Body Works. Yes, I knew I was going to be spending money. Cmon, you would too.

They had a '3 for $10' deal, and a '5 for $5' on the pocket hand sanitizers. And the lady was just soooo friendly, and everything smelled soooo good....

I spent $48 dollars. I am in a happy mood.

And I smell nice :)  

I'm cominggggg!!

I hate those childproof gates, the ones that are meant to keep children in or out of a room, but really exist to frustrate adults and make them feel like idiots.

I babysat my nieces Motzei Shabbos. That constituted me sitting at the computer, surfing the net, watching some shows while reading a book. Then I thought I heard crying so I went to check it out.

My niece was in her bed crying. I tried to get in her room, but I couldn't figure out how to open the stupid gate. Move the latch, push the gate, it didn't budge. Move the latch, pull the gate up, it didn't budge. She just kept on crying.

I'm coming! I thought. I'm coming don't worry, I'm coming to save you! I contemplated climbing over the gate, when finally somehow it gave way and I got into the room. I don't know how I opened it and I wouldn't be able to do it again.

I held my niece and rubbed her back. She may have woken from a bad dream. She lay her head on my shoulder, and I felt her small warm body calm down and her sobs subsided into hiccups. I put her back into her bed and she fell asleep.

In Chassidus there is a saying, "Lechatchila Ariber". It means, to go over an obstacle.

Don't let things stand in your way. There's no way around it, there's no way through it, there's no way under it- you must go over it.

The lesson here is, they should make childproof gates childproof only, not adult proof. But luckily, we outsmart them. We can climb.

Always, Lechatchila Aeiber. Don't let your obstacles get the better of you.

Actively passive

One time my back went out suddenly, and I was in a lot of pain, to the point that I couldn't stand properly. The whole Shabbos I lay on the couch with an ice pack on my back, in agony, wishing the pain would go away.

After Shabbos my mother made an appointment at the chiropractor. I didn't really believe in them, but I figured, I might as well try, I don't have many options. The doctor had me take x-rays of my spine. She made some adjustments to my back, and then this is what she told me:

"It may feel better, it may feel worse, or it may not feel any different." Really? Thanks lady. You just fortified my doubts about chiropractors. Now I know why they are called quacks.

Thank G-d a few days later it was much better, and then eventually it went back to normal.

And I never could figure out if the chiropractor helped at all, or if it just got better on its own, and it would have gotten better anyway had I not gone to the chiropractor at all.

In life, we sometimes encounter certain situations, or obstacle. We try to find solutions and ways to get past it and overcome them.

And sometimes things just get better on their own, and 'work themselves out'.

My mother always says, 'Everything will work out just fine."

My question is, will things just magically work out, or is it my job to make it work? If I don't put in effort at all, will things get better? Will life just fall into place?

Life will happen with or without you. But wouldn't you rather be an active participant?

I guess that's the real question.

Home

It was worth it coming home (family home) for Shabbos just to see the shocked look on my mother's face. :) Nice surprise, and nice to feel welcome.

The weather is gorgeous, the breeze is flowing through my wet hair, and I'm loving having a long Friday so I don't have to rush into Shabbos.

I am trying to drown out all the negative news going around with positive thoughts. I hope everyone has a really nice relaxed enjoyable Shabbos, and I wish you all had a niece that's as cute as mine :)

Good Shabbos! Peace, love, and harmony ☮☮☮

A.D.D.D.D.D.D.D

"I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh, look a butterfly!"

"Our attention span is shot. We’ve all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don’t have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD – too busy disorder." -Ellen

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

I sit down to write an article and I can't focus. There is always something else that needs my attention. An email to respond to, a phone call, someone chatting with me. I just can't get away from it.

Just today I was thinking how much I would benefit by going back to the olden days, my good old trusty flip phone. The coolest thing it does is text. No internet, no email, no need to check the screen every few seconds. It's an obsession, checking to see if I have email, reading stuff online, checking my facebook page, and all from this little handheld device while I'm on the go, not looking at anyone or anything because me and the rest of the world are engrossed in the gadget in our hands.

It's disconcerting.

I always just accepted the fact that my mother doesn't have a cell phone. It was normal back in the day when my father got his first cell phone, a big brick-like contraption with an antenna that had to be opened every time they made a phone call. If someone would have told people back then about the Iphone they would have laughed. Who knew we would progress this far in such a short time?

So back to my mother. (Excuse my ADD). She called me the other day and a weird number I never saw came up. And then my sister texted me something about my mother having a cell phone. Those 2 words are rarely in the same sentence together, besides for "Ma, you are the only person in the world who doesn't have a cell phone."

Try to picture my mother with a phone in her hand. She hates the tiny buttons all squished together. We all said she would get frustrated trying to answer a phone call and just throw the phone against the wall.

Apparently the phone situation was very temporary, because of a certain necessary arrangement. Ya, I didn't think it would last.

I thought about it. About the fact that I get distracted so easily by many things, and how nice it would be to go back to a simple time without all that distraction, to be able to sit down and write a story or article without getting that itchy need to check my email and make sure the world still exists.

I tried to "get away" on Sunday. I took the Staten Island Ferry. It was a gorgeous day out. I went to Staten Island, walked around, sat by the water, had a nice time (yes, by myself.) I brought a notebook with me and decided I was going to try to write. I didn't get very far. Even without all the little 'distractions' I just kept thinking, maybe I should walk for a bit, what's that over there, is that a lighthouse? Oh wow there's a baseball game going on. Haha look at the birds in the water. And check out this poignant 9-11 memorial.

And on and on and on. It never stops. B''H my brain is always churning out thoughts. The only real time I get to relax without external distractions is on Shabbos, and then I can't write anyway.

I can't regress in time. Technology is here for a reason, to get us farther in life. To bring us news instantly. To connect us to friends and family halfway across the world via phone and video chat for free. Technology is an awesome thing, and I embrace it. I appreciate it. I see how wonderful it is that we as a human race have come this far. Use it. Use it for the purpose of which is was created, namely to serve Hashem and to make this world a better place.

But despite all that, it would be nice once in awhile, for just a teeny tiny bit of time, to have an oasis, to have a respite, to escape the noise and the gadgets and the instant technology at the swipe of a finger. To just breath, to embrace nature, to listen to yourself think, to sing out loud without headphones in your ears, to talk to people around you, to just BE and live apart from your extra limb.

I think we all have a touch of A.D.D. We have to learn how to focus on THIS moment, the here and now, instead of rushing ahead to something else that needs our attention.

Rush this moment- and it will be gone, and so will the next, and so will the next and so will- wait what?

:-)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice- you are a horrible person.

When you see someone's true nature come out, it kind of makes you wonder how you ever saw anything good in them to begin with. Were you just blinded by their charm and smile? Or are you the kind of person who chooses to believe in the inherent good in each person, until it beats you over the head and says "look at me! There is nothing nice inside of me. Only black dark ugliness".

And then you realize the truth. Wasted time and energy. Regrets. Yes, cuz how could someone trick you like that? How could they fool you into thinking they were a nice person?

I don't know. But I don't believe that makes you naive, or even a bad judge of character. I think that means that you are a good person, that you choose to believe in the good of other people.

Until they take that choice away from you.

Some people will just never be nice people. And I hope you see that before it's too late.

Trauma

The body heals itself. Pain dulls and eventually fades away with time. Like memories.

They say time heals all wounds. I say time heals most wounds. There are some that can never be healed. They lessen into a dull ache that sits in the back of your mind quietly, until something brings it up. And then it throbs anew. And it doesn't stop.

But as the rule goes, time heals all wounds. Superficial wounds, like cuts and bruises. You can watch them heal, day by day. You can see its progress, as the cut closes up, as the bruise turns purple, and then a dull yellow, and eventually you cannot tell the difference between the wound and the perfect skin around it.

And you take that as a sign that all is well, that you are better now. That the trauma is gone.

Until you get a new wound and it starts all over again.

I had routine blood work done last week. They stuck a needle in my vein. I watched it. And then I couldn't stop thinking about it. It didn't really hurt, but I anticipated pain. So it hurt. My brain made it hurt. You can do that. You can control or create your own pain.

And then for days afterwards I would remember the needle being stuck in, and it would hurt all over again. Phantom pain. It made me nauseous. I tried to remind myself that it wasn't real, that it didn't really hurt.

You do that, you try to get over it, to get past it, to forget.

Now, the bruise is so tiny, it is almost gone. And the pain? What pain? I forgot how it felt entirely, and that is a blessing.

Yes, the body is fascinating, and the brain is a powerful tool. The body has the ability to heal itself.

And the brain- the brain has the ability to forget. To erase and move on.

I wonder what is imprinted on our memories, what we will eventually forget, and what will stick with us forever.

And how much of our pain do we ourselves create? How much trauma have we gone through unnecessarily?

What doesn't kill you, does it really make you stronger, or does it leave a mark so deep that maybe no one can ever see?

Confessions of a New Yorker (At heart)

It took me 21 years, but I finally admit that I am somewhat of a New Yorker. I used to hate the title, and despise the unspoken description that came along with it. 'Stuck-up, snobby, rude, loud, uncaring.' I hated having a 'Brooklyn accent'. I hated being a stereotype. I worked very hard to break out of it, to the point that someone once asked me if my accent was British.

No, it is most likely tinged with a Toronto accent, due to the four years I spent in school there. But close enough.

I took pride in telling people that I was born in Boston, which in my mind made me a 'Bostoner'. And that I moved to New York when I was 3, which obviously means that I am not from here. (Despite having lived in New York for 18 years, minus 4 for high school and one for seminary.)

I saw the look on their faces when they said, 'So where are you from?' and I said New York. I saw how they judged me, most likely thinking, oh so she is from New York... So that's what kind of girl she is.

So what kind of girl is a girl from New York? Well, even within New York there are different types of people. There are the high and mighty City Dwellers, i.e. Manhattan. They are powerhouses. Business men and women. Wannabes. Rich, or trying to get rich. They wear suits, they live in really expensive tiny apartments, they walk really fast and don't see anyone around them.

I live in Brooklyn. Crown Heights to be exact. People are nosy. All up in your business. Where are you going, what are you doing, who are you hanging out with, what are you wearing, etc. etc. etc.

I don't know much about Staten Island (I don't think anyone does.) The Bronx, (still can't figure out why they get a 'The' in front of it) I avoid, as it is considered 'dangerous'. Or used to be. Long Island is where rich preppy people live. Big houses. Lots of land.

Then there's Queens. Sort of lower class. Some gangs, some Spanish people.

The thing I like about New York is that it is so diverse. There are droves of people here. As of a census taken in July 2009, New York City has a population of 8,391,881 people.

New York- the city that never sleeps. In one word- it is ALIVE! And that's what I love about it.

Ever been to Times Square at night? It is never dark and quiet. It is always bright as day. For a person who is a night owl, New York has a great nightlife to offer.

Baking a cake at midnight and out of eggs? No problem, just run down to the corner store that is always open late.

"But regarding anywhere else in comparison....where else can you get around with public transportation 24 hours a day! If you felt like a pizza at 5AM, you can find a place! Sick? 24 Hour drug stores. Even if you crave a bagel or want to go bowling..there are places that are open 24 hours a day. "

"Take in all that you can and you'll soon realize that you can't...because there is SOOOO much going on that you'd want to come back to explore things you haven't done the first time around."

From a list of 50 Reasons to Be Pretty Damn Euphoric You Live in New York City, these are my favorites:

47. There is always someone crazier than you. ALWAYS.

44. The epic feeling you get running to catch a train and succeeding...just before the doors close.

41. We get the inside jokes. Because, actually, we made them up in the first place.

36. Whatever you need, whenever you need it, there is someone who will bring it to you for a price, which may or may not be negotiable. (Or legal.)

30. The fact that one-bedroom apartments cost an average minimum of a half-million dollars means we think nothing of spending $12 on lunch.

26. Smart people are the norm, not the exception. (Which doesn't mean they're sane, but at least no one's boring.)

22. How easy it is to find doughnuts, pizza, Chinese food, or any other snack your drunken self desires at 4 a.m. Or to continue to drink. Responsibly!

11. Complain about the MTA, but you can get anywhere in the city for just $2.25. Or $2.50 single ride, come 2011. Still pretty damn cheap.

10. Subway rage. Bike-lane rage. Walking rage. Random rage. These are our therapy. Although we all go to therapy, too. No judgments! We bitch, therefore we are.

9. Jaywalking is an art form.

7. Subway "prewalking," in which you walk to the exact right spot on the platform to board the train car that will save you the most time upon exit, exists and has a name. Gotta respect.

6. You can be alone, but never feel lonely. And vice versa. But if you die and aren't found until a year later, you won't be the first.

1. If you can make it here, you really can make it anywhere. But why would you bother to go anywhere else?

Which brings me to my main point of this article. Subways. The Subway is gross and dirty and smelly and squishy and toxic. But it also takes you everywhere you want to go for one fee, it is a life all on its own, there are fascinating people on the subway, people share their musical and dance talents. My brother says he will never need a license cuz he can take the subway anywhere. (He will also never move out of New York.)

There is a picture hanging on some of the newer subways, and I think it perfectly and accurately describes NEW YORK people. Here's the picture:

If you notice, this painting is hanging IN the picture. Pretty cool.

Here is where the artist, Sophie Blackal explains the background of the painting.

And the pictures broken up into sections:

1. Tweens, congregating in small groups, often talking and joking loudly so that everyone can hear them, screaming each others names incessantly, saying goodbye in loud obnoxious voices.

2. A family of Tourists. Clearly. The I Heart NY t-shirt gives them away. They wear backpacks, hold maps, look around at everything and everyone, and even (gasp) ask natives for directions. They are the goldfish in the glass bowl we all stare at. Or do they stare at us?

3. Lady sleeping. Most likely had a hard day at work.

4. Guy with fish in pail?? Went fishing for the day. Nice.

5. Girl squished by the pole. Didn't want to have to stand.

6. Interesting scarf guy.

7. Redhead. Clearly checking out the girl 2 seats down.Using his book for cover.

8. Lady doing her makeup. Leaning away from red haired guy.

9. 'Ze French Twinz'. Looks like one of them isn't wearing shoes.

10. Hipster nuns. With Ipods. Wow.

11. Guy with bear suit. Totally normal.

12. Chassid. Right in middle of the painting. Ya, they notice us.

13. Chinese lady with plant, something that looks like fish. Food shopping.

14. Oboe player? Nerd or cool?

15. Lady with funky hair and bright yellow boots. Tattoos? Knitting?

16. Playing accordion for money? Looks a little sad.

17. Little girl peering out the window. So who is she with?

18. Old guy peacefully reading the paper. Or is he a spy?

19. Rollerblades, noise cancelling headphones, AND a smart phone? Well aren't you just the cooliest.

20. Balloons, or is that just her head?

21. One person, or 2? Can they breath? Can you hear me?

22. Overwhelmed mother with a crying baby, trying to hold on to a toddler who has a tail??? Poor woman.

I'd like to think that this painting represents the vast diversity of people in New York. A 'melting pot' of sorts. I ride the subway every day, and you really do see a lot of interesting characters.

Feel free to interpret this painting any way you want to. I think it's awesome. 

I don't plan on living in New York all my life, nor do I want to raise my kids here. But there is just something about it that is ingrained in me. The noise, the fast pace, the nightlife. The HEART. Mainly, the heart of New York. It beats, it throbs, and it is always there when you need it.

As September 11 2001 can attest, at a time of tragedy, we come together. We help each other, we support each other, we care about each other. We may not always show it, but it is always there. Yes, most New Yorker's have a tough gruff 'I don't care about anything least of all your name' attitude. But that is just for show.

For the most part.

Here is to New York City, the greatest city in the world!

If I had a million dollar$$$

We try to teach children the value of money from a young age. Some parents give their kids an allowance, some make their children earn the money by doing chores around the house. Most responsible parents don't just hand their kids money because they said 'Daddy, I need $100'.

A common phrase we tell kids is "Money doesn't grow on trees". I saw a funny prank once where a parent was trying to teach this lesson to their daughter. They brought her to a store, and bought her a 'money tree'. She really believed that it was a plant that just kept growing money.

It is cute to watch little boys by their upshernish (hair cutting ceremony for a boy when he turns 3.) People give them money to keep, or to put into tzedaka. Some kids just rip it up. They don't know what it is. Also, my little brother would always rather have 10 single bills rather than 1 $100 dollar bill. Because kids don't know the value of money, but they learn numbers early on, to them more means more.

A little kid on the subway said "Look what I got- a DOLLAR!". All excited. It was so cute.

When did money stop being so simple? Kids appreciate one dollar. I treat dollars like pieces of paper. As an adult, when one has bills to pay, and rent due, and food to buy, money stops meaning pleasure and excitement. It is tedious. Pay checks go towards expenses. They don't go into piggy banks. They go into big banks, with overdraft fees and ATM fees.

So who REALLY knows the value of money? Kids save up for specific toys they want. Adults blow their money on vacations and unnecessary items.

And no matter how much money we have, we always seem to need more. No, not need. Want more.

"Look what I got- a DOLLAR!" I wish that dollar meant more to me than just 100 pennies...

Sunny days and Starry nights

I love warm weather. I decided when I get married I will move to a warm climate. Then I will have a reason to be happy and cheerful all the time. Everyone just seems to be in a better mood when the weather is nice and pleasant outside.

People complain about the time change and losing an hour of sleep. But I am enjoying it being lighter out for longer. It is nice to leave work and it is still light outside as opposed to nightfall.

I am so looking forward to summer. Even though this is the first summer I will have a normal job through the summer and not a summer job, the warm weather makes everything better.

I imagine my kids growing up in a warm climate. They will come to New York and delight in the snow. And I will tell them that their Mommy grew up here wearing a coat all winter. And they will just find that so funny.

Ahhh, warm weather. It is the little things in life that bring a smile to my face.

Enjoy it!

Feeder Fish- lesson for life

I was on the Subway and a lady had a container full of many tiny little fish. A little girl sitting next to her stared at it wide-eyes and inquired about the fish. The lady started telling the little girl, "These are feeder fish. I'm going to give them to my turtle and other big fish to eat."

The little girl's father started motioning with his hand 'nooo noo'. Then he turned to the girl and said, 'You know how on the discovery channel we learned about the food chain? How some animals eat grass and some animals eat other animals and we eat animals? So some fish need to eat other little fish for food.'

The little girl looked a little puzzled. But then she seemed okay with it.

The father said to the lady, "When she found out how they killed chickens she wouldn't eat any meat for a long time."

In the world there are levels and classes. Some people are sharks and some people are feeder fish. Some people will make it big and some people will get crushed along the way.

Sorry kiddo. That's life. 

The S Word (S-I-C-K)

I can't even
move my hand
to pick up the phone
to call you
to tell you
how much I need you
right now.

It aches so much
every time I move
my body riddled with germs
my voice so hoarse it croaks
my sneeze so strong
it might break my nose
and people are putting on their hoods
so as not to catch
what I have.

I'm like a leaper.

I hate being sick
on a fast day
on the happiest day
the day that comes only once a year.

My apartment is silent and empty
room mates in a different country
no one to make me tea
or bring me chicken soup
or cover me with an extra blanket
as I lay shivering in bed.

Hot and cold
yes and no
up and down.
I frown.

No.
Even that takes too much effort.

Close my eyes
the germs have won.
I need sleep
and a respite from the sick
feeling coursing through my body.

Please let this cold be over
cuz this-
damp tissues
and sneezing
and coughing
and running nose
and body aches
and pains
and headaches

THIS
IS
NOT
GOING
TO
WORK
FOR
ME!

Not to mention I can't breath.

Yes, I would like some chicken soup now.

And a hug would be nice.

My first Shaloch Manos

It is so nice to get a surprise package in the mail. I didn't even realize it was for me until my room mate said "That's so sweet, who's it from?"

A package? For me? Wow, this is exciting I never get anything!

Lo and behold, it is from my mom! A candy platter from Oh Nuts. Awww. Thanks Mom. That is so sweet.

And now I got my first Shaloch Manos!

Have an easy fast, and A Frailechin Purim to everyone!

P.S. Don't get too drunk.

P.P.S. Don't drink and drive

No words tonight

Not sad,

Not happy,

Not anything really.

Everything.

It's not over till it's over.

Is it over?

No. You would slap me for that.

I will miss having you around.

Things will be different.

But one thing remains the same.

You. Me. Our Friendship.

That won't change.

You don't say goodbye to a friend you know you'll see again.

You say: Safe Travels.

Life is a journey. One stage is ending, and another one is just beginning.

I wish all good things for you, for me, for all of us.

Love you, and be safe. See you soon.

-Altie

Don't let them in

Most banks are closed on Sundays. Hence, you need to have a bank card to get in.

I went into my bank to make a deposit, and noticed a homeless guy lying in the corner.

Let us just assume that he does not have a bank account, and he slipped in when someone else opened the door.

He was smoking. I hate inhaling second-hand smoke, especially in small non-ventilated areas. And of course, most places have a no smoking rule inside.

A homeless guy sleeping in the lobby of a bank. First time I've seen that. I suppose tomorrow morning security will come and evict him from his temporary home.

It makes me realize how on guard one must be at all times. We try so hard to keep up our defenses and keep out all negative influences from our midst.

But it takes just one little slip for a hobo to get in.

Never let your guard down.

Don't do as I do

It is hard to remember, but little kids really do copy us.

I was crossing a busy intersection, the light was red for me. There was a break in traffic, so I dashed across the street.

And a little boy directly across from me mirrored my actions. Yes, he should probably listen to his mother who no doubt told him do not cross on a red light.

But here is an adult (me) doing just that.

Which makes me remember that I have to be careful with my actions, because someone, be it a child, a stranger or G-d is always watching.

Do as I say, not as I do.

Integrity

It is best not to judge other people, but it is also easy enough to notice their actions.

In New York, sometimes the buses are so full that people are pushing and getting on the back of the bus, which is illegal since they may not end up paying the fair.

I noticed a frum guy get on the bus in the back, and at the next stop he made sure to go to the front to pay the fare.

Another time I was on the train, and the conductor puts a card by your seat after he collects your ticket so he knows that you paid.

One lady got off the train and another lady got on and sat in the first lady's seat. The conductor walked right by her because he thought she already paid. And she made sure to give him her ticket the next time he walked by.

I like and respect honest people who have integrity. sometimes I think it is just a given, but in this world, honesty is hard to come by.

Another use for the headscarf

I saw an Arab woman once wearing a headscarf. She looked like she was talking to herself. No, not a bluetooth. Her cell phone was sitting securely between the scarf and her ear. A perfect hands free way to talk.

 Photo via Humans of New York. AWESOME!

Just a Kallah

A friend,
a daughter,
a Morah,
a sister,
an aunt,
a grand-daughter,
all that and more.

But today- today, she is a kallah.

A beautiful, glowing kallah.

My body aches and groans in protest. But I have many pictures and memories of the fun wedding.

She is married now. Binyan Adei Ad.

Fair well, my single friend. Enjoy married life!

My little secret

Small smile playing at my lips,
not a care as to who is looking at me.

Look all you want.
Wonder why I am smiling to myself.

So excited, bursting with news.
My little secret.

I want to tell you, to share this with you.
But I refrain. I wait.

I keep it to myself,
instead of shouting it from the rooftops.

Maybe you would be happy for me.
I know you would be happy for me.

But for now, I hold this little secret close to my heart.
It is mine alone.

I don't share it with you, or with anyone.
I am my own confidant.

I can't sit still. I can't stop smiling.
This is so exciting.

It is nice to have my very own,
My little secret.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O-M-G

Tomorrow is one of my closest friend's wedding!!!!!!!!

It is only just hitting me.

It won't fully hit until after the wedding.

It won't really hit until a week later when she moves away.

It still won't hit. I will text her call her want to go over to hang out..... and she won't be there.

Maybe then it will fully hit me.

But right now, I got hot hot hot shoes, a really pretty dress, and I can't wait to celebrate with her on the happiest day of her life!!

Get ready party people.

It is WEDDING DAY TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!

DAnce-dAnce-dA-dA DAncing in the DArk

I took a dance class!!!!!

It was so much fun! And sweaty. It was Zumba. Really fast paced Spanish music. A lot of shaking your hips and butt.

I was slightly inhibited at first, until I realized everyone looks as ridiculous as I do. Then I just said, who cares. And let go.

And "(after I got over laughing at how funny my friend looked) I had fun!

Came home tired and sweaty and aching and starving.

Now I can check that off my list of things to do.

I took a dance class!!!!!

5 weeks

It's been five weeks since I started my new job. I don't know how that happened. Time just passes so fast, soon enough I'll have been there for months, know the job like the back of my hand, and not want to leave. Okay, minus the last part.

I'm trying to hold on to it, like grains of sand. But it keeps slipping away.

Fading.

California. That was 4 weeks ago. I miss it, that little vacation. It was fun. I want to go back. To relive it. I want to have it again.

But I can't.

I miss the warm weather, the rental car, the sunglasses. The fun I had with friends.

And now a month has passed, time will keep on passing, I can never go back, only forward.

And things keep changing, and will keep on changing.

And there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Another 5 weeks will pass.

And then I will not be sure I even remember it anymore.

And time will keep on passing.

And then what?

My future. That's what. And there will be many more California's, many more vacations, and many more jobs.

And what they will all have in common is me, me and my life.

And what I choose to make of it. 

Faith

Getting on my knees to pray
in middle of the day.
There's so much that I need to say.

Thank you G-d
for recognizing my efforts.
And for helping me in kind.

I am smiling.
It feels good.
And things are finally going in the right direction.

Wink wink.
I know it was You.
And thanks for that.

Guess my faith needed a check
after all.

Shomeret

"Take me here, take me there, take me everywhere I want to go."

And I will. Cuz I love you. And I can't imagine what it's like to not be able to leave your house by yourself at all.

This is fun. Enjoy this time. And when it is my turn- guess who I'm gonna call!

6 days to your wedding...!!! Can't wait!

Inner voices

Sometimes it is nice to take a break. From work, from people, even from your own life.

Sit outside, listen to the traffic go by.

Enjoy the breeze.

Appreciate the silence.

Learn to listen.

We all have inner voices. We all talk to ourselves. Hear them. Listen to yourself.

In two seconds you can come to the same conclusion that took you an hour to hash out on the phone with someone.

"No man is an island entire of itself". Yes, we all need people in our lives. Yes, we need friends.

But there are times, certain times when you realize that you had advice inside of you all along.

Learn to listen to yourself. You might just like what you hear.

MoVinG oN

Laughing,
cuz you think it's all about you.
Little boy blue,
stop tooting your own horn.

"Will you wake him?
No, not I - for if I do, he's sure to cry."

Don't cry, little boy.
And don't worry about me.

Life throws you lemons.
And they say make lemonade.

But I hate lemonade.

And you are clearly nuts.

Me? Like the title of my blog,
I've moved on.

1 week to my best friend's wedding.
2 weeks to purim.
3 days till shabbos.
4 really good friends.
5 weeks till another friend's wedding.
6 weeks till my brother's one year anniversary.
7 weeks till pesach and my nieces 2nd birthday!
As many weeks until my birthday.
And then Shavuous.
And then the summer.
And soon enough it will be Tishrei again.

And who knows, maybe I'll be married by then.
To a great guy.

Life is good.

Lots to look forward to.

Lots to be happy about.

You? No not you.

I will look back at this in years from now
and it will all become clear.

Yes, G-d works in mysterious ways.
He has reasons for everything.

Stuck?
Na. So not stuck.

It's funny how you don't know me at all.

This is me,
actively,
doing something that I should have done long ago.

And "to the random soul who draws inspiration from this poem"-

Sorry 'hon', I'm not sure I even remember your name.

The End

(Song lyrics from Linkin Park 'Waiting for the end')

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them

Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end.

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

It's the end that I worry about the most.

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

It is hard not knowing when it will end, how it will end, if it will end. Because it is not entirely up to me. It depends on the other parties involved.

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on

But what if you let other people take control? What if they choose the ending to your story? Will you be happy with that, relinquishing control of your life?

And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

The hardest part of ending is starting again. But the best part is knowing you can. Knowing that you and only you have control of your own life.

We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

You have the control to choose who to let into your life. You control the beginning, the middle, and especially the end.

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

But if you don't let go you can't move on.

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

Make a new future, and repaint the past into a picture that you are okay remembering. It happened. You can't erase it.

This is not the end, this is not the beginning

Make a new beginning.

The hardest part of ending is starting again

And create your own ending.

It is entirely up to you.

I'm happy cuz

Enthusiasm
pumping through me
like a force.

Propelling me forward
smile on my face
bursting with energy.

Elation.

You told me to be happy.

Nay, you told me to believe.

I find it hard to believe,
so very hard.

Can you believe for me?

Can you be my anchor,
my drive,
my positivity?

But you are all that
already.

I smile because
with you I know
I will never fail.

You won't let me.

I yearn to be a better person
around you.

For you.
But more so for me.

I want to believe
as much as you do.

I want to find happiness
like you do.

I will.

In time.

But for now
I hold onto
and soar on your wings.

I'll grab on to your happiness
and hold on until
it becomes mine.

And one day
I will believe as much as you do
and it will become reality.

It will be crazy
and unbelievable
and "how did that happen"?

But for now
I am happy because you are happy
and I believe because you believe.

You expect nothing less of me
and I don't want to let you down.

One day...
one day.

Today,
I am happy cuz
I have amazing people like you
in my life.

And that makes me very happy.

G-d said No

Throw a glass across the room
and hear it shatter as it hits the wall.

Thunder and lightening war in the sky
deafening and blinding everyone in its wake.

Jaded.

What is the reason for all this
sarcasm?

Pessimism.

Cynicism.

Cuz I asked
and you said no.

They say to never give up hope.

They say to pray
and you will get what you ask for.

Cynicism is built on
experience.

Human nature is to try
only so many times.

Patterns tell us that
things repeat itself.

You learn to expect the same outcome
next time.

And subsequently.

People brace themselves for pain
when they feel it coming.

Inevitable.

You ask me why I am so cynical,
pessimistic, skeptical?

Because I asked,
and G-d said no.

So tell me then,
do you always get what you pray for?

Isn't it possible that
you won't get what you so wish for?

Isn't it true that
G-d says no?

So why expect a yes this time?

Mocking,
just out of reach.

Teasing,
tantalizing.

Only He knows what's best.

But I asked and-

G-d said no.

Sense of smell

“It smells like you”.

I know.

“Smell is a strong sense.”

It is.

It is a memory, as you pass the deodorant isle in the store.

It is a taunt, as you stop in Bath and Body Works.

You can forget.

Move on.

Truck forward.

And then, somewhere down the line,

it will invade.

Creep in.

Just a waft.

A smell.

It will remind you of someone.

Of another time and place.

Memories will resurface.

Maybe good ones, maybe not.

They might create an ache, a longing.

Or it might just feel familiar, like a hug, an old pair of pants.

You want to push it away.

To forget.

But smell- it stays with you.

For awhile.

And just when you think you have forgotten,

just when you imagine that time and place,

that someone

to be long gone-

The smell sneaks up on you, teasing you.

“It smells like you.”

And they are there.

And you have not forgotten.

Motzei Shabbos Blues

Shows watched: Check.

Dinner: Check.

Shower: Check.

Comfy pajamas, sweatshirt: Check.

Sleep: No.....

Places to go: No...

Things to do: None....

What do people do on a Motzei Shabbos? Go to sleep early? Hang out with friends? Watch a movie?

11:45 PM. Apartment moderately quiet. Eyes slightly droopy. Fighting sleep...

Not much else to do. A whole free Sunday, with not much to do.

What to do, what to do...?

Hello world. I think there is a word for this.

Boredom.

Sometimes it's nice to be an A

My phone rang today and it said my friend's mother was calling. This girl is actually staying by my apartment this Shabbos so I assumed maybe her mother was calling to check up on her. But it was a stranger on the phone.

She informed me that she found this phone in a parking lot of a mall, in Connecticut, (where this person is from.) She wanted to know if I knew whose phone it was since my name was saved as a contact. I told her I would take care of it, and thanked her. She let me know that she would leave the phone by the lost and found.

It was a really good feeling that she called me. Even though most people might look automatically for a contact named 'Home'. At least that's what I would do. But because my name starts with an A and was probably the first name in contacts list, she called me. And I was glad to help.

I grumble about having people send me stupid facebook requests just because my name is first in their list. Easy access. But this time it was a good thing and I am happy I was able to help.

Today the weather outside was gorgeous! Like Spring weather. Breezy, and mild, in the 50's.

As I stood waiting for the train going home after work, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back and it felt like I was lying on the beach. It was Sunny! Sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny sunny. So nice for a change!

And this morning a girl said to me, "Wow your hair is so gorgeous! Are those natural curls?". I told her that yes, this is my natural hair with a bit of mousse. I laughed and said 'This? Haha. Today is a bad hair day for me but thanks.'

I was told to just say thank you for a compliment even if I don't agree with it. It is funny to me that someone can find my hair pretty when I am feeling bla about it today. I guess it's all about perspective.

My friend is staying in my itty bitty room for Shabbos. I am looking forward to it. We always have a great time together. And of course me being me, I bought a ton of breakfast food, and junk food and snacks so she won't go hungry.

Wishing everyone a really great Shabbos, continuous good weather, and lots of great friends in your life!

So alone

I wish you could see yourself
as I see you.

You look so alone.

As you laugh to yourself,
with your face pressed close against your phone.

The words, a secret joke between you and
someone.

But only you get the joke.

And where is that someone?
And why are you alone?

So alone.

Your phone, those words-
texts and emails,
whatever it is that is making you laugh in remembrance as you cross the street-
they are but an illusion of company.

Yes they make you laugh.

Yes they make you smile.

But to the world-
you are so alone.

And you look like a dork
laughing to yourself.

And that hidden smile
you have just for that special someone.

You say you don't care what people think.
Let them think.

But if you are not alone-
then why isn't that someone by your side?

Instead of miles away,
oceans separating you,
with just a phone screen to connect you two?

Alone.

So alone.

GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!!

As someone pointed out to me, yes Crown Heights is getting filled up with lots of women and girls this weekend, for the annual women's convention in honor of Chof Bais Shvat which is the yartzeit of Rebetzin Chaya Mushka, the wife of the Lubavitcher Rebbe. Many Lubavitcher girls share her name sake, and are commonly called 'Mushkie'.

Two weeks ago, Crown Heights was pretty full with lots of men and boys, in honor of Yud Shvat, which is a very special day as it is the day the Rebbe accepted the leadership and became the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

The Chof Bais Shvat convention was a big deal in high school. All the out of town girls high schools came in, you got to see your long lost friends, there was a constant squeal of "ahhhhhhhh I haven't seen you in soooooooo loooooong omggggggg!!!" which was frankly quite grating.

I am so thankful I am past all that. Even though it was fun and exciting, now I go to work like normal, make dinner, etc. Not many of my friends are here from out of town. When you are older your friends either already live here, or are not coming in from wherever they live.

I do have a special friend in town whom I can't wait to see. I'm actually making dinner for her tonight. Gotta go check on my soup. And another friend who is staying by my apartment for the weekend.

For those of you in Crown Heights now, I hear they are having major shaitel sales. I personally am not in the market for one. Yet.

Tata :)

Marriage 101

Why do we get married? Because G-d told us to? Because we want to have kids? Because the world dictates it?

Is it because we are bored? Or lonely? What is it that makes us cleave to another person, share our life with them, give of ourselves and deny our own needs on account of someone else?

Why did you decide to get married? Why did you decide to start dating?

Yes, every sentence until now was a question. Ask yourself these questions. See what answer you come up with.

Why is it that just because I am at a certain age the question of marriage comes up automatically? It is natural. People start saying 'I"yh by you', and 'So, are you dating?', like it is their business.

I gave a dollar to a guy for tzedaka today. He started going on and on, giving me tons of brachos, telling me I should find the right one soon, and be happy, that I would be a tzadekes. He ended off saying, "Let me know". Sure, because I am going to come back to this very corner to find you to tell you that I got engaged.

I appreciated his brachos. Who knows, maybe he is a hidden tzaddik.

I've spoken to many people about this. They all say, don't rush into marriage, don't get married if you are not ready, don't feel pressured to just because everyone else is. And most importantly, do it for the right reasons. 

It is something I've thought about. What are the right reasons?

There is a Taylor Swift song with lyrics that go:

"Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone".

So is that a reason to get married? So you will never have to be alone? It is not true in any case. Being married does not guarantee that you will never be alone. Physically, definitely not. Emotionally, I would hope you would never be alone. But who knows what will be.

You have to be a complete person in order to marry another complete person. Yes, we say your neshama was split in half at birth and you have to find your 'other half' in order to be complete. But what does that really mean?

I strongly believe that you have to be okay with yourself, love yourself, enjoy your own company before you can invite someone else in.

In seminary a teacher said to us, "would you marry you?". I thought about it. Why would I want to marry myself? Yes, there are things I like about myself. Yes I sometimes enjoy my own company. But would I want to spend the rest of my life with me?

There is a scene from Grey's Anatomy where everyone in the hospital went through a traumatic experience. One of the Doctors was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. A doctor whom she was dating came to her apartment. They liked each other but had 'issues' that they had not worked through. She was sitting in the dark scared and alone and crying. He came and said, "Marry me. I'll never leave you alone again."

Her reply? "Thank you. Thank you." Not 'oh yes I'll marry you!'. Not 'omg I've been waiting my whole life to hear you say that!'. No, in that moment she needed a savior, someone to pull her back from the edge. And that was him.

I doubt their marriage will last, based on that.

A spouse must be an equal. A friend. Someone whom you can respect. They are not your therapist, your rabbi, or your savior. (Okay, maybe if there is a mouse.)

Marrying someone because you don't want to be alone with yourself is not a good enough reason.

So what is your reason for getting married?

I'd like to think that when the time came I would go in with all the right reasons, and only good intentions geared towards making it work.

Don't worry, I will 'let you know'. :-P

Wake me up

I called home to say hi to my mother. My little brother answered and told me my mom was sleeping.

My mother called me back later. She told him, "If any of my kids ever call, wake me up."

It is nice to know that there is someone I can always rely on.

Bridal Shower

 Hello cupcake. "You know you want me".

So.

Tired.

And content.

Well spent.

Time given.

Money used.

Bride to be.

So happy.

And sappy.

So much stuff.

For entertaining.

Gifts galore.

Wrapping paper on the floor.

So.

Much.

Food.

And cupcakes.

Made by me.

So pretty.

Recipe?

Hello, my name is

Mr.

Dunkin

Heines.

Time saver.

My secret.

4 singles.

3 singles.

2 singles.

Just one.

"Im Yirtze Hashem by you".

Sure.

And lots of Mazal Tov's this year.

And only a few more showers to go.

Message in a Bottle

Check out this song by Matisyahu.

Just a castaway
An island lost at sea
Another lonely day
With no one here but me
More loneliness
Than any man could bear
Rescue me before I fall into despair

I'll send my SOS to the world
Send my SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle


This is MY message to the world:

I feel spring weather in the air and it is lovely.

I would like to wish everyone a good Shabbos. And hope that good things come your way.

God giveth and God taketh away

Hashem runs the world. I believe that with certainty. I trust Him completely to make the right decisions for the world, for society, for me specifically. We say everything is 'Hashgacha Pratis", divine providence. Everything happens for a reason, nothing by chance.

We don't have much control over what Hashem does. We don't have any control at all. The only thing we can control is ourselves. And how we relate to other people.

Someone once showed me this thing where you draw three circles on a piece of paper, one inside of the other. She explained that the innermost circle is you. That is where you are completely in control. The middle circle is people around you, situations that happen to you. There, you don't have control, but you can control your reaction to it. And the third outermost circle is nature, things like the weather, a car accident, death. There you have absolutely no control.

The point of the exercise is to realize that we control ourselves, our emotions, our reactions. If someone bumps into you or steps on your foot, are you the type of person to get mad and curse them out? Or will you forgive them, let it go.

When someone insults you will you let it bother you, or will you say never mind, brush it off, it doesn't mean anything to me.

The second you let someone else bother you, let them get to you- then they have won. And you are the one dealing with the pain, annoyance, or fall out.

If you let other people determine how you feel about them, then only you will get hurt in the long run. If you let people make decisions for you, if you let people step all over you- only you will suffer.

God gives and God takes away.

But why let other people, mere humans, do the same? Why let them have control over you?

Be better than that. Take control of yourself, your emotions. Stand up for yourself. Don't let other people bother you, hurt you, get to you. Decide for yourself what is okay and what isn't, acceptable or otherwise. You are your own and only defense against people.

Don't give them the chance to hurt you- be the stronger one and walk away first.

You are 100% in control of yourself, your emotions, and your reactions to other people. What will you do with that control?

Utilize it.

And never forget- Hashem runs the world, He knows what will be even if we don't. He has a plan for you. And sometimes we have to go through something not so great just to get to the better things in life.

I believe good things will happen. I believe that G-d runs the world. I believe that He has a plan for me.

And I also believe that I am a stronger person than I think.

And I am about to find out just how strong.

Imperfections

Experts say that even the slightest scratch can greatly lower the value of a diamond. "Once a Chipped Diamond, always a Chipped Diamond". You can't repair it. Who wants an imperfect diamond? Would you buy a piece of jewelry if the sales associate said, "Oh by the way, look here at this little chip, yes that is why it is so cheap, because your diamond has a great flaw and no one else wants to buy it"? I don't think so.

No person is perfect. That's the truth. People say to find the beauty in the imperfections. What makes us different makes us special. Where you come from makes you who you are. It is nice to say, really. It also seems like a consolation of sorts. 'If I can't be perfect, then I will at least try to embrace my flaws and find the good in them."

Are we our flaws? Do they make us who we are? Are they an extension of us, are they a part of us like a limb? Or are they removable, erasable? If we could erase them, would we? Should we?

If I would graph my life on a chart, the lines would zigzag crazily, up and down, lows and highs, no discernible pattern. To say "I try" would be false. I can be proud of my accomplishments while bemoaning the fact that I am no where near the person I want to be, the person I should be.

So where does that leave me? I am imperfect. I am flawed. I am honest. Will someone else understand where I've been? Would anyone be able to accept my flaws, and not just 'overlook' them, but really appreciate them, and understand that not only do they make me who I am, but they make me a better person for it?

The only way someone else can accept you is if you truly accept yourself. I am not talking false confidence, or egoism, or any other form of self empowerment used in a negative way to try to raise yourself above the rest. I mean fully accept yourself, forgive yourself for your mistakes, for your past, for your sins. If G-d can forgive us, then why is it so hard to forgive ourselves?

The subway platform smells strongly of urine. I can't breath. I can see mice and rats scurrying around, most probably looking for food. There is dirt and grime all around me, and I huddle inside myself trying not to touch anything.

My mouth forms words as people give me curious looks. I shy away from attention. I am not one who approaches strangers to ask them to light shabbos candles. I try to avoid public confrontations. I keep to myself mainly.

As the subway sways back and forth, I daven. I am standing anyway. So I grip tightly to the pole as I daven shemone esrei, all the while hoping no one is looking at me.

I wonder if this is considered a place unclean to daven in. Maybe. Probably. But if not now, I won't daven today. I am trying. I am making the effort. I hope G-d understands.

I know where I've been. To fall in the mud and get up again- that is a true diamond. I work to clean the grime and dirt. I shine it when I can. I hope that one day its value will be appreciated, despite the flaws, the hairline scratches, and the obvious imperfections.

To say, "You don't know where I've been" is implying that I've been somewhere that you may not understand, may not appreciate, and may judge me for. Some people have a need to unload, to confess all their mistakes and flaws. But we don't do 'confessions'. We, as frum Jews, believe in repentance, in teshuva. We believe in fixing our mistakes. Not wallowing in them, reliving them or beating ourselves up over them.

Does that mean that we can remove it, that it won't leave a stain? I don't quite know that. "Once a Chipped Diamond, always a Chipped Diamond."

I'd like to believe that all my experiences culminate in a beautiful colorful kaleidoscope that is me and only me. There is at times a desire to erase the past. But I realize, every single thing I went through brought me to this point. Leaving anything out will erase who I am.

I can't say that I am ready to embrace and love my flaws. But I am learning to be okay with my imperfections.

And I appreciate the beauty that is Me. Imperfections and all.

Temptations

It beckons to me from across the street. Calls my name softly. "Altie....."

No. Stop. Please.

But it keeps going. "You know you want me. Just come here. Just once. That's all."

No. No I can't. Keep walking, don't look back. Don't... Look.... Back....

But I turn my head. There it is, smiling at me for all it's worth.

And the smell... It smells so good. But I know, I know it won't taste that good. I know it won't feel that good.

A force pulls me forward, tries to get me to cross the street. But I refuse. I can't. I know I will regret it.

They should patent that smell, so potent is it. You can smell that bakery from a block away. I know it's there, and yet the smell gets me every time. I've tried stuff from there. It is not that great. They have some okay stuff but not wow.

And yet it tricks me every time into thinking that this time it will be good. Because it smells divine. It should be illegal.

It is every temptation in disguise. It is a distorted image, a blurred picture, a bleeding painting. The edges change colors, it makes you see what they want you to see, what they know will lure you in. And then once they have you in their trap, they reveal the false bottom. You realize it is but a mirage, a fake. And you are stuck. There is no where to go. Because they sucked you in....

So I cross the street. I never walk on that side. I tell myself many things to prevent myself from going inside. Most of the time it works. I'm logical, I remember that I didn't like it much last time. That it is not worth the calories and I can do without it.

But sometimes, once in awhile, my blinders are off. I see it... I hear it... I can't resist it...

What you have to realize about temptations is they won't stop until they have you. And by 'they' I mean whatever your vice is. Your inner struggle, your evil inclination, the little red devil that sits on your shoulder with a pitchfork and convinces you to sin.

He uses coercion, because he knows you have logic and reason. So he bypasses the front door. He slips in the back when he knows you are not looking. He gets by all your defenses, he stabs you right in the heart where it hurts. He holds you captive and makes you listen even as your eyes glass up, your brain gets foggy, and with your last ounce of strength you mumble no.... you won't get me this time.

And yet he does. Time and again.

But there is a way out. There is always a way out.

And next time, don't cross the street. Remember, it is just a trap.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Who's the fool now?

Break

Because it used to mean something when I spoke.

The words I said held weight. They made an impact on people like a stone skipping the water.

The words I want to say are stuck inside, like peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth.

The things I really feel, the things I want so badly- they don't exist.

And one day I will wake up and wonder why I was lying to myself all along.

And then I will have to go back and do it all over again.

My compass- I shake it. But it is broken.

I sit down on the dirt road and let the dust settle because right now I need a break.

The problem is, everyone is watching.

Rush

From door to door I go, the morning commuter rush, it's all you need for a kick of adrenalin to last you the whole day.

I run off one train, pound up the steps, down the other side to the connecting train, I hear the anouncer "Stand clear of the closing doors please".

Almost there, almost.....

I get through the door as it's closing, collapse into a seat, clutching at my chest. I can't breath and my heart feels like its gonna beat its way out of my body.

As my nervous system slows down I tell myself, it's not that late, I could have waited for another train. My mother always says, never run for the bus, better to be late than dead. Okay. It's not the same thing here.

Yes, there will always be another train. Metaphorically, things pass us by in life. And it's not a big deal. So you move on. So there will always be another one.

But what if you miss THE train, what if you are stuck standing there staring at the retreating lights wondering why you didn't run for it, why you didn't push a little more, why you didn't try harder?

Yes there will always be another train. But that feeling of running and getting it- it's the greatest feeling.

I made the train. And maybe this is the train I'm supposed to be on.

Mr. Rain

There are so many songs about the sun.

"Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me."

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take, my sunshine away."

"The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there will be sun".

"I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day".

But there are no songs about Mr. Rain. Why not? Does nobody want to sing about the rain? Does no one love the rain, does no one crave dark gray rainy days? Umbrellas and yellow rain slickers and "Wellies".

So I caved. I finally did it.

I bought a pair of rain boots.

They are cute.

They are the most uncomfortable things I ever wore.

They do indeed feel like I am carrying houses on my feet.

I think they cut off all air to my feet. My feet were cold but sweating. They couldn't breath. I had to take them off at work and hope no one saw my legging clad legs under my desk.

And here is the best part- the day I wore them, it was completely dry outside, pretty mild weather, with no rain clouds in sight.

But hey, who wants to wait to wear something new?

I am now the proud owner of pink berry rainboots.

Take that, Mr. Sun. Mr. Rain is in the houuuuusssse.

So put your hands up- UH.

Untitled

How can I talk without speaking?

How can I make you understand without letting you know my thoughts?

Some things I don't ever want to tell anyone.

And some things I wish you would just know without me saying it.

Don't have a good day. Make it a good day.

Penny for your thoughts?

Who's Penny and why does she want my thoughts?

And are my thoughts worth anything? And to who?

Silence is golden.

So which is it?

And how come singing in the shower is so much fun? Late at night when you know no one is listening.

I wonder, sometimes I really wonder what happens to a person when they change. Where does the old you go? Or does it just get incorporated into the new you, like combining two bottles of milk.

All good things must come to an end.

And one day, they just do. Sometimes without warning, and sometimes you saw it coming all along. Maybe you denied it, maybe you ignored it.

But endings are an eventuality, are they not?

Cuz ask yourself, where exactly do you go from here?

Sleep awaits. And I wonder how many more tomorrows there will be. And when one day I will have sunshine on a cloudy day.

And when the sun will come out tomorrow.

Cuz I'm waiting. And I have no patience.

And it's hard to believe in something so intangible.

What if- I have it all wrong?

Let's pretend- I can be a fairy princess with beautiful dresses and you can be whatever you want to be.

Cuz in the world of make-believe anything is possible.

And words- they are just fickle. Cuz your mouth says one thing, but your eyes- they don't mean it.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh- do you hear that?

That is life knocking on my door.

Gotta go. I think I'm gonna ask for a refund. Mine is defective.

Don't. Touch.

Please don't ask me, because I don't want you to know.

Please don't pry, because I don't want you to see.

Understand how I feel when you look where you are not welcome.

I cringe inside, hoping to stave off your questions, your inquiries. I know you won't quite understand, and so I choose not to share with you.

And yet you come looking anyway.

And I don't know why you have a need to know my secrets. I don't know why I have to explain my actions to you.

Some things are not meant to be shared. Some things work better when they are kept to myself.

Please. Respect my privacy.

And when I say don't touch, stay away-

 please listen to me.

(UN)settled

"Some settling of the contents may have occurred during shipment." Maybe it should say "unsettling of the contents". The contents didn't settle, they moved around, were jostled from side to side, top over bottom, around and around until they came to rest on a shelf somewhere in some store in some city.

Teachers like to say "settle down class" when students are being too rowdy or overexcited. They are in essence saying that the state you are in now is not conducive to learning, so let it all out and quiet down so we can learn properly.
 
I always thought routine meant boring. Doing the same thing every day, day in and day out. My father has had pretty much the same schedule for over 10 years. As a child if I ever woke up early I knew he was up. I knew roughly what time he woke up, what time he left for davening, what time he left for work. What he ate for breakfast, what time he got back from work. My father is, in a word, predictable. Boring. But somehow that is so reassuring.

Like a child who is asked in school, what do your parents do and he says, my mother stands by the bus stop all day waiting for me to come home. That is the routine. His mother picks him up from the bus. Every day. The same time. If she missed a day that would be deviating from the routine, which would unsettle the child.

I always wanted more excitement in my life. When I was a child and my friends would go away on family vacations I said why can't that be me. I wanted to be 'cool' and say I went to Israel, or France. I didn't even fly until I was 14. And it was cool. It was different.

If I stayed home during chol hamoade instead of going to amusement parks, or concerts, or hotels I thought what will I tell my friends? I have nothing to show for my vacation, it was so boring.

As a teenager and young adult we somehow get the message that excitement lies just beyond that door. Over there. A little further away. In Cancun, and Barbados, and the Caribbean. You are a 'sophisticated' person if you have traveled the world. The term 'backpacking through Europe' is used in awe. Yes, some people find it exciting to traipse around with nothing but a backpack and rolled up blanket on their backs, with no thought as to where they will sleep that night or how they will get their next meal. Some people enjoy that.

I am taught to enjoy it, but the very thought of it terrifies me. Here I am, 10:00 at night, doing nothing, thinking hmmm maybe I should just call it a night. ME! I never go to sleep before 12. And that is a choice, mainly because of what it represents, specifically the freedom to make my own decisions and that decision is no bed-time. Not a very wise one, but my own rules nonetheless. Power to the people.

I am 21. My whole life is ahead of me but I feel like it hasn't even started yet. There is so much I can do, there is so much I want to do, but I just want to stay at home, in the comfort of my room, and read a book. Watch a good movie. Put on pajamas and make popcorn. Yes, that is what I want to do with my Saturday night.

My friends said, 'let's do something', in that tone that suggests 'well, I want to go somewhere but I don't feel like planning it'. Which left it up to me to take charge. So I did. And the plans fell through. And I can't deal very well when things don't go smoothly. So we ended up in the middle of no where, on a deserted street of warehouses, freaking out that we would be kidnapped and killed, or worse. Yes, we are an optimistic bunch.

And the whole time I was thinking, 'I should have stayed home today'. (Reference to Arnold in Magic School Bus.) The night turned out fine, my friends had fun, it was an experience, but I came home very unsettled. Because as much as I want to be cool and exciting, running from party to party and every major social event of the year, that is not me.

And there you have it. I am boring. I like my comfort zone. I am nervous about trying new things, and meeting new people. I like what is familiar to me. I don't do very well in chaos. I like routine, or a variation of such.

After all is said and done, I want to come home every night to the same house, the same bed, and the same people. My house, my bed, my people.

But that does not exist. Yet.

And so I called my mother, and we talked about this and that, and there was an underlying 'Maaaa... when is it going to happen for me? When will things get better? When will my life start?'

And she of course said what she always does: "Poor Altie, everything will be okay. I went to the ohel and I prayed. For everything and everyone." And there are no prayers quite as loud as my mother's. I told her I'm sure she moved something up there and they are saying, oh boy, it's her again!

So G-d willing good things will happen soon. Not just for me, but for everyone who needs good things to happen, in whatever way it is needed. Hopefully I won't feel so unsettled for too much longer.

People ask me how I am and I answer honestly: "I'm okay, thank G-d. Things are okay."

And that is enough for now.

Withdrawn

It's when
you curl
into
yourself.

When you smile
at the people around you.
But it doesn't quite reach
your eyes.

When you are so cold
under a million blankets.
And nothing can seem to
warm you.

When you are starving
but your stomach is full
of lead.
And you just can't eat.

It's like a fog
where you can't see clearly.
Everything is slightly blurred.
Hazy.

When you want to stay in the shower
curled up under the steam.
Absorbing the warmth.
And never leave.

When you need a hug.
And your own two arms
just can't seem
to hold you.

Dining alone

He made me dinner tonight. I'm not sure what his name is. He didn't remember my name, although I've told him already twice before. I thought he would remember, my name is pretty unique.

It was dark and drizzling out, perfect for my mood. I tried not to project, but some people can't tell either way. It was noisy there, and too bright.

I ordered the same thing I did the last two times. He didn't remember.

It is sort of a defeat, really. It got late, I had no food, I didn't want to starve. There is no food waiting for me on the table. I walk these streets alone, and no one knows if I go hungry.

I drag my feet there and back. I do what I have to. To get by.

The sandwich has cooled. It tastes sad. And lonely.

I light a candle to set the mood.

Dinner for one tonight.

There is no freakin way I'm gonna let you get me down

You tell me I can't do it.
And I laugh in your face.
Because I know I can.
And I will.

You tell me what my chances are.
And you couldn't be more wrong.
Cuz above all
I am strong.

You try to limit me.
Tell me what I can
and cannot do.
Well heres some news for you.

You are not G-d,
and you dont make the rules.
You don't make the plan.
And nothing is up to you.

You don't know what will be.
You dont know where I'll go
from here.
And where I'll end up.

You try to confine me
to certain jobs and and situations.
You tell me I have little options.
But it is funny really.

Absurd actually.
How well you think you know me.
And despite what your limited small minded brain thinks
I have many options.

Nothing you say will get me down.
In fact I should thank you.
Your honesty has caused me to distance myself
from people like you.
And the nonsense you spew.

I will be fine.
And you will be gone.
Cuz you are wrong.
I hope you learn that.

One day I'll laugh.
And that day is today.
Cuz it takes people like you
to make me realize
just how strong I really am.

And to trust myself
above all.

Attack of the strollers!

The sidewalks are clogged with stroller traffic. That is because the area is made up mostly of young families with lots of children.

It is kind of hard to maneuver the streets and I, as a naturally fast walker, find it annoying to be stuck behind someone taking up the sidewalk and walking slowly. It is hard to get around them and I am forced to slow down.

Do you know that funny jig people do when they see someone approaching and they are not sure which side to move to so that the other person can pass by? One person moves right, the other moves to their left. It's like a mirror dance. It can be funny depending on the parties involved. After a few moves from side to side they figure something out and pass by.

I am a very calculated person. I like to be one step ahead of everyone else. When I see someone approaching I am already mapping out in my brain which side they are likely to move to and I make sure to stick to one side. The general rule is walk on the right side.

This works until I see two women with strollers coming towards me. They both fit on the sidewalk but I don't know where to go. I hold my breath because I'm sure they are both about to squash me. Death by a stroller, is the headline tomorrow's paper will read.

And then, they pass by, one on each side of me. They don't touch me, I'm not hurt. I'm alive!

And I go on my merry way.

I hate strollers, they take up so much space and are such a hindrance. Maybe I'll carry all my babies in a sling.

I was once in a really overcrowded frum grocery store on erev shabbos, it was packed with last minute shoppers trying to finish up before shabbos. There were people and shopping carts every, literally no room to walk.

And then in walked a lady with a huge double stroller. I looked at it and said haha no way that thing will fit in here.

Well, I'm not ready for strollers yet. So for now I can give people pitying looks as they shlep their huge stroller here and there, while all I have are keys and a phone.

Travel light, my friends. And if you see a stroller coming- believe me, get out of the way.

Music

Music calms me, keeps me sane, clears my mind of all thought. When I am nervous or tired or stressed or emotional or upset, I just turn on my ipod, or search youtube for my favorite song, and listen to different songs over and over until I am in a better mood.

I like slow melancholy songs, and fast upbeat songs, depending on what my mood calls for. I listen to songs with great lyrics, and really focus on them. Sometimes they really help snap me out of my mood.

When I am moody taking a walk also helps. Fresh air, physical movement, getting out. It helps me get out of myself, out of my mind, and clear things up.

And when all else fails- there is always chocolate :)

New Years Fireworks!!!

Between the lines

It's like an ache deep inside
that doesn't cease.
It's like a hot summer day
with no hint of a breeze.

It's like my heart hurts
but doesn't know what it's looking for.
It's like I'm waiting for you
to show up at my door.

It's like a sea of black hats
but none for me.
It's like my glasses are fogged
and I really can't see.

It's like a perfect smile
that feels like it's gonna crack.
It's like a journey started
where there's no going back.

It's like a fake laugh
and forced meaningless chatter.
It's like duck tape
for a life that's in tatters.

It's like two wholes apart
but not two halfs.
It's like sometimes
I forget how to laugh.

It's like an upward climb
with a pack full of stone.
It's like I'm blind
heading for a future unknown.

It's like a cunning game
that I refuse to play.
It's like I wonder how long
things will remain this way.

It's like a lump in my throat
and an unshed tear.
It's like is there anyone
even out there?

It's like a glass ball
that refuses to speak.
It's like I wonder if I'll ever find
that which I seek.