(UN)settled

"Some settling of the contents may have occurred during shipment." Maybe it should say "unsettling of the contents". The contents didn't settle, they moved around, were jostled from side to side, top over bottom, around and around until they came to rest on a shelf somewhere in some store in some city.

Teachers like to say "settle down class" when students are being too rowdy or overexcited. They are in essence saying that the state you are in now is not conducive to learning, so let it all out and quiet down so we can learn properly.
 
I always thought routine meant boring. Doing the same thing every day, day in and day out. My father has had pretty much the same schedule for over 10 years. As a child if I ever woke up early I knew he was up. I knew roughly what time he woke up, what time he left for davening, what time he left for work. What he ate for breakfast, what time he got back from work. My father is, in a word, predictable. Boring. But somehow that is so reassuring.

Like a child who is asked in school, what do your parents do and he says, my mother stands by the bus stop all day waiting for me to come home. That is the routine. His mother picks him up from the bus. Every day. The same time. If she missed a day that would be deviating from the routine, which would unsettle the child.

I always wanted more excitement in my life. When I was a child and my friends would go away on family vacations I said why can't that be me. I wanted to be 'cool' and say I went to Israel, or France. I didn't even fly until I was 14. And it was cool. It was different.

If I stayed home during chol hamoade instead of going to amusement parks, or concerts, or hotels I thought what will I tell my friends? I have nothing to show for my vacation, it was so boring.

As a teenager and young adult we somehow get the message that excitement lies just beyond that door. Over there. A little further away. In Cancun, and Barbados, and the Caribbean. You are a 'sophisticated' person if you have traveled the world. The term 'backpacking through Europe' is used in awe. Yes, some people find it exciting to traipse around with nothing but a backpack and rolled up blanket on their backs, with no thought as to where they will sleep that night or how they will get their next meal. Some people enjoy that.

I am taught to enjoy it, but the very thought of it terrifies me. Here I am, 10:00 at night, doing nothing, thinking hmmm maybe I should just call it a night. ME! I never go to sleep before 12. And that is a choice, mainly because of what it represents, specifically the freedom to make my own decisions and that decision is no bed-time. Not a very wise one, but my own rules nonetheless. Power to the people.

I am 21. My whole life is ahead of me but I feel like it hasn't even started yet. There is so much I can do, there is so much I want to do, but I just want to stay at home, in the comfort of my room, and read a book. Watch a good movie. Put on pajamas and make popcorn. Yes, that is what I want to do with my Saturday night.

My friends said, 'let's do something', in that tone that suggests 'well, I want to go somewhere but I don't feel like planning it'. Which left it up to me to take charge. So I did. And the plans fell through. And I can't deal very well when things don't go smoothly. So we ended up in the middle of no where, on a deserted street of warehouses, freaking out that we would be kidnapped and killed, or worse. Yes, we are an optimistic bunch.

And the whole time I was thinking, 'I should have stayed home today'. (Reference to Arnold in Magic School Bus.) The night turned out fine, my friends had fun, it was an experience, but I came home very unsettled. Because as much as I want to be cool and exciting, running from party to party and every major social event of the year, that is not me.

And there you have it. I am boring. I like my comfort zone. I am nervous about trying new things, and meeting new people. I like what is familiar to me. I don't do very well in chaos. I like routine, or a variation of such.

After all is said and done, I want to come home every night to the same house, the same bed, and the same people. My house, my bed, my people.

But that does not exist. Yet.

And so I called my mother, and we talked about this and that, and there was an underlying 'Maaaa... when is it going to happen for me? When will things get better? When will my life start?'

And she of course said what she always does: "Poor Altie, everything will be okay. I went to the ohel and I prayed. For everything and everyone." And there are no prayers quite as loud as my mother's. I told her I'm sure she moved something up there and they are saying, oh boy, it's her again!

So G-d willing good things will happen soon. Not just for me, but for everyone who needs good things to happen, in whatever way it is needed. Hopefully I won't feel so unsettled for too much longer.

People ask me how I am and I answer honestly: "I'm okay, thank G-d. Things are okay."

And that is enough for now.