Hands outstretched,
like tentacles,
but I have only two.
Ready to catch
whatever comes my way.
Can't let it get away.
Eyes open under water.
So murky,
can't really see.
But they are relying on me.
Hopping,
like the froggy game,
where it lights up and you have to bop it.
But this is no game.
In life, there are not many chances
to prove yourself.
Hands outstretched,
ready to catch it all.
Hoping that nothing gets by me.
Hoping I don't drop the ball,
that I make no mistakes,
cuz there is no room for mistakes.
I am hard on myself,
cuz who else will be?
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Growing pains
The girl laughs politely as the older lady peaks inside the carriage. "Wow, you have a baby now. I remember when you were little!"
"Yup", the girl say. She seems matter of fact. Not at all surprised by the fact that she grew up, got married and had a baby.
We are enthralled by the passage of time. It falls through our fingers like grains of sand. The older we get the more we say, wow, look how big you've grown! But we forget that we too have grown.
Somehow we think that the world stand still while we get older.
But then I see my neighbor whom I remember as a baby, and she is old enough to be married with her own kids. And I feel like saying, wow, look how big you've grown!
When did I stop being the one marveled at, and become the marvelee?
Time really does pass fast. It always hits me when I realize little kids have grown up.
Then I realize that I've grown up too.
"Yup", the girl say. She seems matter of fact. Not at all surprised by the fact that she grew up, got married and had a baby.
We are enthralled by the passage of time. It falls through our fingers like grains of sand. The older we get the more we say, wow, look how big you've grown! But we forget that we too have grown.
Somehow we think that the world stand still while we get older.
But then I see my neighbor whom I remember as a baby, and she is old enough to be married with her own kids. And I feel like saying, wow, look how big you've grown!
When did I stop being the one marveled at, and become the marvelee?
Time really does pass fast. It always hits me when I realize little kids have grown up.
Then I realize that I've grown up too.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Girl Power
Are you strong? Are you weak? Are you both?
What does it mean to be strong? What is strength?
Strength means different things to different people. There is extreme strength, like pulling a car off of a trapped child. There is physical strength, there is emotional strength, like going on after a loved one has died. There is psychological strength.
Strength can be the simplest of things. It can be getting up in the morning, for someone who is depressed and wants to stay in bed.
It can be saying no to cookies when you really want to eat them.
Strength is smiling at someone when you feel like screaming.
Strength is davening when that is the last thing you want to do.
Strength is saying one more kapital of tehillim when you are so tired.
Strength is never giving up.
Strength is trying again after you have given up.
Strength is getting back up when you have fallen down so many times.
What is strength to you? Think about it. Envision it. Savor it. FEEL it. And the next time you are feeling weak, don't let it get you down.
Remember, all of us have the power to be strong people. You just have to tap into it.
I say girl power because that's what it means to me. The strength to say, the only person I want to be is me, that I can do anything I try. That I am intelligent, creative, fun.
The strength to say, I am worth it, and don't let anyone tell me otherwise.
Dear world,
I am a strong person. And I am coming, so you had better watch out.
Sincerely, Altie
Where art thou
I look up at the sky and I,
I wonder why.
I do not ask why thou hath forsaken us, your people.
I do not ask how You can do all the bad things you've done.
I simply wonder, are you up there?
I look up at the sky and I,
I try not to cry.
I want to be with you, wherever that may be.
No, not in heaven. I may not go to heaven, but I want to be near you.
Is that you, in that hole between the clouds where the sun dares to shine?
Or is that you, in the particles of dust dancing in the glow of the street light?
What do you look like,
and would I recognize you if I could see you?
I look up at the sky and I,
I simply try.
I really do.
Only you will ever know the secrets of my heart and the thoughts in my head.
You will never forsake me.
You will never betray me.
For your are my rock and my redeemer.
You give and you take,
but always, you watch over me.
I look up at the sky and I,
here I lie.
Wondering, wondering if you are listening.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Forgive me
There are 3 steps to doing teshuva: 1) Realizing or acknowledging that you did something wrong, 2) regretting it and feeling bad, 3) resolving to never do it again. And the real test to know if you've done complete teshuva is when you are faced with the same situation and you do NOT make the same mistake.
This can be like an alcoholic faced with a drink. If he turns it down, he has repented. But he may be faced with that situation many times.
And the truth of the matter is, we are human. We make mistakes. Maybe one time, and maybe many times.
And as humans, we are not G-dly. We are told that G-d forgives. But humans don't always forgive, and they certainly don't always forget.
Before Yom Kippur we are supposed to ask forgiveness from our friends, or other people we may have wronged. We have been praying for 10 days, besides the whole Elul, to G-d to forgive us. But He can only forgive sins done to him. In order to be completely forgiven we must absolve ourselves to our fellow man.
It is not easy to ask forgiveness for a few reasons. It is hard to admit that you did something wrong. There's the possibility that the person will not forgive you. And it is a little bit like reliving the mistake by bringing it up.
When I was little we were told that you have to ask a person to forgive you at least 3 times, and if they refuse each time then you are absolved and G-d would forgive you. But kids are kids, and kids say whatever they want. They don't really get it.
As adults, we get it fully. We understand. And yet some people still choose to either not forgive, or to forgive with their lips and not with their heart.
How can you achieve full forgiveness in your heart? I don't know. I guess it is something you have to work on.
I heard a story about a girl who had a sick joke played on her. She took the fall for another girls prank. And for years, she never said the paragraph in the beginning of shema, "Hereini mochel lechal mi shehichis vehiknit osi"- (I forgive anyone for they wrongdoings towards me) because she didn't forgive. And she didn't forget.
Imagine holding a grudge for all those years. It can kill you. But imagine being the person holding the guilt, and knowing that you are never forgiven.
As much as your relationships to G-d can be stormy at times, it is nice and comforting to know that He will always embrace you, that He will always forgive you, and He will always take you back with open arms.
I wish that people were as G-dly as that. Maybe one day, when Moshiach comes, may it be today before Yom Kippur. (It says that Moshiach will not come on a Friday, so as not to upset all the housewives who worked so hard to prepare for Shabbos. But I think we can all make a consession just this once.)
I would like to ask forgiveness from anyone who I may have wronged. Yes, I know you are not supposed to ask forgiveness online, and that when you do ask you are supposed to specify what the wrongdoing was, (if you know, unless it will cause embarrassment.) But for many of you, this is the only way to do it.
I hope that I go into Yom Kippur pure of heart, and that I never have a problem being mochel. I cannot imagine something so bad that I wouldn't be able to forgive for.
Everyone should have an easy fast, drink a lot of water today. And I hope that ALL your prayers are answered, and that we are all sealed in the book of life, and health, and all good blessings for a good year. I am looking forward to the shofar blast at the end of Yom Kippur. It is a very intense moment.
May we merit the coming of Moshiach NOW! And it should be a really good year for everyone. (Let's compare notes next year :) )
-Altie
This can be like an alcoholic faced with a drink. If he turns it down, he has repented. But he may be faced with that situation many times.
And the truth of the matter is, we are human. We make mistakes. Maybe one time, and maybe many times.
And as humans, we are not G-dly. We are told that G-d forgives. But humans don't always forgive, and they certainly don't always forget.
Before Yom Kippur we are supposed to ask forgiveness from our friends, or other people we may have wronged. We have been praying for 10 days, besides the whole Elul, to G-d to forgive us. But He can only forgive sins done to him. In order to be completely forgiven we must absolve ourselves to our fellow man.
It is not easy to ask forgiveness for a few reasons. It is hard to admit that you did something wrong. There's the possibility that the person will not forgive you. And it is a little bit like reliving the mistake by bringing it up.
When I was little we were told that you have to ask a person to forgive you at least 3 times, and if they refuse each time then you are absolved and G-d would forgive you. But kids are kids, and kids say whatever they want. They don't really get it.
As adults, we get it fully. We understand. And yet some people still choose to either not forgive, or to forgive with their lips and not with their heart.
How can you achieve full forgiveness in your heart? I don't know. I guess it is something you have to work on.
I heard a story about a girl who had a sick joke played on her. She took the fall for another girls prank. And for years, she never said the paragraph in the beginning of shema, "Hereini mochel lechal mi shehichis vehiknit osi"- (I forgive anyone for they wrongdoings towards me) because she didn't forgive. And she didn't forget.
Imagine holding a grudge for all those years. It can kill you. But imagine being the person holding the guilt, and knowing that you are never forgiven.
As much as your relationships to G-d can be stormy at times, it is nice and comforting to know that He will always embrace you, that He will always forgive you, and He will always take you back with open arms.
I wish that people were as G-dly as that. Maybe one day, when Moshiach comes, may it be today before Yom Kippur. (It says that Moshiach will not come on a Friday, so as not to upset all the housewives who worked so hard to prepare for Shabbos. But I think we can all make a consession just this once.)
I would like to ask forgiveness from anyone who I may have wronged. Yes, I know you are not supposed to ask forgiveness online, and that when you do ask you are supposed to specify what the wrongdoing was, (if you know, unless it will cause embarrassment.) But for many of you, this is the only way to do it.
I hope that I go into Yom Kippur pure of heart, and that I never have a problem being mochel. I cannot imagine something so bad that I wouldn't be able to forgive for.
Everyone should have an easy fast, drink a lot of water today. And I hope that ALL your prayers are answered, and that we are all sealed in the book of life, and health, and all good blessings for a good year. I am looking forward to the shofar blast at the end of Yom Kippur. It is a very intense moment.
May we merit the coming of Moshiach NOW! And it should be a really good year for everyone. (Let's compare notes next year :) )
-Altie
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Clarity, Peace, Serenity
It beckons to me,
this place of wonders,
of sunshine,
of butterflies and better times.
It calls my name softly.
And I, as if in a dream,
I obey.
I stay.
Sticky hands and smiling faces,
hushed secrets in the darkness.
Squeals and shouts of glee.
Carefree.
Let the world fall away.
Hair flying,
Pumping high,
wind rushing by.
Innocence,
a time of make-believe,
of scraped knees
and hugs.
Naivety.
Belief that the world will always be
Serene.
Perfect.
Secret hide-outs,
cops and robbers,
around-the-house.
Climbing on the roof.
Chocolate chip cookies,
and hot cocoa on a cold day.
Tights and runny noses.
The feeling that everything would be okay.
Bike riding,
and dolls.
Hair pulling, fights,
but always making up.
Pinkie swear,
friends forever,
until, one day,
you move away.
Close my eyes,
I see a tunnel dug in the snow,
planting apple seeds in the hopes
of growing an apple tree.
Feet dangling from the branches
way up high
where no one can find me.
My own nest.
They call to each other,
going down the slide.
I am jolted back to reality.
I am an outsider now.
But those moments,
remembering a better time.
A park filled with children,
running happy running free.
That used to be me.
this place of wonders,
of sunshine,
of butterflies and better times.
It calls my name softly.
And I, as if in a dream,
I obey.
I stay.
Sticky hands and smiling faces,
hushed secrets in the darkness.
Squeals and shouts of glee.
Carefree.
Let the world fall away.
Hair flying,
Pumping high,
wind rushing by.
Innocence,
a time of make-believe,
of scraped knees
and hugs.
Naivety.
Belief that the world will always be
Serene.
Perfect.
Secret hide-outs,
cops and robbers,
around-the-house.
Climbing on the roof.
Chocolate chip cookies,
and hot cocoa on a cold day.
Tights and runny noses.
The feeling that everything would be okay.
Bike riding,
and dolls.
Hair pulling, fights,
but always making up.
Pinkie swear,
friends forever,
until, one day,
you move away.
Close my eyes,
I see a tunnel dug in the snow,
planting apple seeds in the hopes
of growing an apple tree.
Feet dangling from the branches
way up high
where no one can find me.
My own nest.
They call to each other,
going down the slide.
I am jolted back to reality.
I am an outsider now.
But those moments,
remembering a better time.
A park filled with children,
running happy running free.
That used to be me.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Disconnect to Protect
Yes, it's catchy and I came up with it myself. (Okay, half of it is from the "Day to Disconnect" project, (which happens to be today) and the other half is from Lysol, disinfect to protect. But hey, it took a genius to bring the two together :) )
I have a confession to make: I am addicted to my laptop. I cannot even tell you how many hours I am on it each day, or each week. I waste so much time.
So, I am taking a stand. I am giving my laptop to my friend for a week, from today until after Yom Kipper. And yes, I have email and internet on my phone, but I am going to sign out and not check it. You have my word on that.
What will I do with my free time? I don't know. Maybe take walks, go to a museum, read a book, (ya they still make those), call people on the PHONE, (remember that?). Learn something. There are so many better things I can be doing with my time then wasting it on the computer.
So farewell my friends, for a week.
And for those of you who have my number, feel free to CALL me :) Yes, I will be accepting phone calls. (Email or leave comments as well, I can't wait to see how many emails I'll have after a week of not checking it.)
I shall let you know in a weeks time how this little experiment plays out. Who knows, it may very well be the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Tata for now!
I have a confession to make: I am addicted to my laptop. I cannot even tell you how many hours I am on it each day, or each week. I waste so much time.
So, I am taking a stand. I am giving my laptop to my friend for a week, from today until after Yom Kipper. And yes, I have email and internet on my phone, but I am going to sign out and not check it. You have my word on that.
What will I do with my free time? I don't know. Maybe take walks, go to a museum, read a book, (ya they still make those), call people on the PHONE, (remember that?). Learn something. There are so many better things I can be doing with my time then wasting it on the computer.
So farewell my friends, for a week.
And for those of you who have my number, feel free to CALL me :) Yes, I will be accepting phone calls. (Email or leave comments as well, I can't wait to see how many emails I'll have after a week of not checking it.)
I shall let you know in a weeks time how this little experiment plays out. Who knows, it may very well be the best thing I've ever done in my life.
Tata for now!
"Tracht gut vet zain gut"
What would you do if a fly fell into your coffee?
Russian- take it out and drink the coffee.
Chinese- take it out, eat the fly and throw out the coffee.
Israeli- take it out, sell the fly to the Chinese, sell the coffee to the Russian, and then invent a machine that will prevent flies from falling into coffee.
It is all about perspectives. How do you view things? In what light does your mind process events?
Walter Lantz and his wife, Gracie, were honeymooning in Sherwood Lake, California. A noisy woodpecker outside their cabin kept the couple awake at night, and when a heavy rain started, they learned that the bird had bored holes in their cabin's roof. Walter wanted to shoot the thing, but Gracie suggested that her husband make a cartoon about the bird, and thus Woody Woodpecker was born. They went on to make millions of dollars, and on their 50th wedding anniversary they said that the woodpecker was the best thing that ever happened to them.
Something positive came out of something negative.
A story is told in Navi about the prophet Eli. He used to travel a lot, and when he came to a certain city he would stay at the same couple's house every time. They were very hospitable and eventually the wife had her husband build a special loft where Eli could stay every time he came.
During one of his visits, he asked the kind lady how he could repay her. But she refused, saying she had everything she needed.
Eli's servant found out that the couple was childless, and so he blessed them that within the year they would have a child.
And so it was.
Years later, when the child was 9, he was out in the field with his father when he complained of a headache. His father sent him back to the house so his mother could take care of him. He fell ill quickly, and within a few hours, he died.
The mother picked up his lifeless form, brought him to the loft and put him into Eli's bed. Then she saddled her donkey and set out to go to the prophet. Her husband saw her rushing away and inquired as to where she was going. She told him she was going to see Eli and he asked why. She said don't worry, everything is fine, I just have to go.
When she was arriving in the town, Eli saw her coming and sent his servant to go greet her. He relayed to his servant to ask her 3 things: How are you? How is your husband? How is your son?
The servant met her and asked her these 3 things. She responded 'Shalom', good, to all 3 things.
How can she say her child is good when he is lying dead??
She told the servant to please take her right away to the prophet. She rushed into the prophet's house and fell down at his feet crying. She told him that her child died. "He is not my child. I did not ask for him. You gave him to me! How could you let him die??"
He left with her and they rushed back to her house, where Eli went up to the loft and revived the dead child. He performed a miracle and the child lived many more years.
Now we ask, who in their right mind would rush off without telling her husband that their child died? Why did she not stop to tell Eli's servant about what happened? How could she have answered that everything was okay?
Because she knew that if she stopped she would waste time and she would be deterred. She would lose hope and would not do what she had to do.
In life we have to think positive. That does not mean that bad things won't happen to us. But when bad things happen, how will you react to it?
Will you see a dead fly in your coffee, or will you see opportunity?
There's a famous saying in yidish, "Tracht gut, vet zain gut"- think good, and it will be good.
The choice, my friends, is up to you.
Russian- take it out and drink the coffee.
Chinese- take it out, eat the fly and throw out the coffee.
Israeli- take it out, sell the fly to the Chinese, sell the coffee to the Russian, and then invent a machine that will prevent flies from falling into coffee.
It is all about perspectives. How do you view things? In what light does your mind process events?
Walter Lantz and his wife, Gracie, were honeymooning in Sherwood Lake, California. A noisy woodpecker outside their cabin kept the couple awake at night, and when a heavy rain started, they learned that the bird had bored holes in their cabin's roof. Walter wanted to shoot the thing, but Gracie suggested that her husband make a cartoon about the bird, and thus Woody Woodpecker was born. They went on to make millions of dollars, and on their 50th wedding anniversary they said that the woodpecker was the best thing that ever happened to them.
Something positive came out of something negative.
A story is told in Navi about the prophet Eli. He used to travel a lot, and when he came to a certain city he would stay at the same couple's house every time. They were very hospitable and eventually the wife had her husband build a special loft where Eli could stay every time he came.
During one of his visits, he asked the kind lady how he could repay her. But she refused, saying she had everything she needed.
Eli's servant found out that the couple was childless, and so he blessed them that within the year they would have a child.
And so it was.
Years later, when the child was 9, he was out in the field with his father when he complained of a headache. His father sent him back to the house so his mother could take care of him. He fell ill quickly, and within a few hours, he died.
The mother picked up his lifeless form, brought him to the loft and put him into Eli's bed. Then she saddled her donkey and set out to go to the prophet. Her husband saw her rushing away and inquired as to where she was going. She told him she was going to see Eli and he asked why. She said don't worry, everything is fine, I just have to go.
When she was arriving in the town, Eli saw her coming and sent his servant to go greet her. He relayed to his servant to ask her 3 things: How are you? How is your husband? How is your son?
The servant met her and asked her these 3 things. She responded 'Shalom', good, to all 3 things.
How can she say her child is good when he is lying dead??
She told the servant to please take her right away to the prophet. She rushed into the prophet's house and fell down at his feet crying. She told him that her child died. "He is not my child. I did not ask for him. You gave him to me! How could you let him die??"
He left with her and they rushed back to her house, where Eli went up to the loft and revived the dead child. He performed a miracle and the child lived many more years.
Now we ask, who in their right mind would rush off without telling her husband that their child died? Why did she not stop to tell Eli's servant about what happened? How could she have answered that everything was okay?
Because she knew that if she stopped she would waste time and she would be deterred. She would lose hope and would not do what she had to do.
In life we have to think positive. That does not mean that bad things won't happen to us. But when bad things happen, how will you react to it?
Will you see a dead fly in your coffee, or will you see opportunity?
There's a famous saying in yidish, "Tracht gut, vet zain gut"- think good, and it will be good.
The choice, my friends, is up to you.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
That time of year again...
Rosh Hashana is tomorrow. Everyone's statuses on facebook are saying, happy Rosh Hashana, kesiva vachasima tova, etc. People are calling me and emailing me to wish me a good new year.
All I want to do is say, please, stop. No, not yet. I'm not ready for this.
I am so nervous, my stomach is literally in a knot. This happens every year and I think, I just did this last year, we have to do this agaiiiinn??
Here's my feelings on Rosh Hashana- am I ready for it? (No.) Have I prepared enough for it? (No.) If I had more time would I ever be ready? (No.)
I am not cooking or buying food for Rosh Hashana. I am just showing up. Have I prepared for it spiritually in any way? In all honesty, probably not.
I just got back from shopping, I got some new outfits for Yom Tov. Which is nice, but I don't think that will help me with G-d in any way.
Can I seclude myself the whole Yom Tov and say tehillim? Not really, I am going to be a guest at a family with 8 kids ka''h.
So how do I prepare for Rosh Hashana with what little time I have left? And how do I make sure that this Rosh Hashana is as meaningful and spiritual as it can be?
I honestly don't know. I am waiting for inspiration to strike.
This year, I have nothing to tell you. I have nothing yo share with you. This year, I am waiting for you to inspire me. Big expectations.
If I stopped to think of all the people I should probably call and email to wish them a good Yom Tov, I would honestly freeze. How many people should I be asking forgiveness from? How many people would feel left out if I didn't wish them a gut yom tov? I'd like to think none. About the former, at least.
But this is how I do it every year. I send out a mass email, or facebook status, or blog post, and I say what I want to say. And I hope that it will reach the people that it is intended for.
This is what I want to say:
I wish all of you a good gebentched yar, beruchnius ubegashmius, may you all have a meaningful and spiritually uplifting Rosh Hashana, may you have the words to say what you need to say, and may you be granted many brachos, everything that G-d knows you need for the year, and everything that you want, be it a job, a shidduch, children, health, better relationships, to be a better person, etc.
May this be the year that we are all taken out of Golus with Moshiach now, and may it happen before the end of Yom Tov!
Kesiva vachasima tova, and a SWEET new year to you all.
Sincerly, Altie
All I want to do is say, please, stop. No, not yet. I'm not ready for this.
I am so nervous, my stomach is literally in a knot. This happens every year and I think, I just did this last year, we have to do this agaiiiinn??
Here's my feelings on Rosh Hashana- am I ready for it? (No.) Have I prepared enough for it? (No.) If I had more time would I ever be ready? (No.)
I am not cooking or buying food for Rosh Hashana. I am just showing up. Have I prepared for it spiritually in any way? In all honesty, probably not.
I just got back from shopping, I got some new outfits for Yom Tov. Which is nice, but I don't think that will help me with G-d in any way.
Can I seclude myself the whole Yom Tov and say tehillim? Not really, I am going to be a guest at a family with 8 kids ka''h.
So how do I prepare for Rosh Hashana with what little time I have left? And how do I make sure that this Rosh Hashana is as meaningful and spiritual as it can be?
I honestly don't know. I am waiting for inspiration to strike.
This year, I have nothing to tell you. I have nothing yo share with you. This year, I am waiting for you to inspire me. Big expectations.
If I stopped to think of all the people I should probably call and email to wish them a good Yom Tov, I would honestly freeze. How many people should I be asking forgiveness from? How many people would feel left out if I didn't wish them a gut yom tov? I'd like to think none. About the former, at least.
But this is how I do it every year. I send out a mass email, or facebook status, or blog post, and I say what I want to say. And I hope that it will reach the people that it is intended for.
This is what I want to say:
I wish all of you a good gebentched yar, beruchnius ubegashmius, may you all have a meaningful and spiritually uplifting Rosh Hashana, may you have the words to say what you need to say, and may you be granted many brachos, everything that G-d knows you need for the year, and everything that you want, be it a job, a shidduch, children, health, better relationships, to be a better person, etc.
May this be the year that we are all taken out of Golus with Moshiach now, and may it happen before the end of Yom Tov!
Kesiva vachasima tova, and a SWEET new year to you all.
Sincerly, Altie
Mi amo
tình yêu của tôi
my liefde
حبي
मेरा प्यारmon amour
מיין ליבעмоя любов
האהבה שליil mio amore
saya cintamijn liefde
minu armastus
moje láska
moja ljubav
moja miłośćmeine Liebe
dashuria ime
It means the same in any language. It can be the symbol of a heart. Or fancy letters. It can be a rose, or chocolate. A hug or a kiss. But it all translates into the same thing.
Mi amo. My love.
But we have to ask ourselves, what is love, really?
Thousands of songs are written about it, millions of poems and quotes. From the beginning of time people have been trying to figure out what it is, and to navigate the treacherous waters. Can anyone say they really know what it is? Have experienced it?
There are lyrics to a song that goes:
"What is love,
baby don't hurt me,
don't hurt me no more."
Does that mean that love hurts? That loving someone, or being loved by someone is painful? Or is it the removal of love that is painful? The possibility that someone will leave you, that the love will suddenly end?
Once you have loved, can it really end? Where does the love go? Does it just disappear?
I wonder if
anyone has ever really loved another.
I wonder if
love really exists.
Does love transcend time and space? Is love everlasting? Or is that just a myth?
They say that the way you know that you are in love is when all those silly love songs suddenly make sense.
I always thought, when you know, you know. You know?
But what if you don't know?
What is love truly, mi amo?
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Cattle Cars
The crowd surges forward as if by force.
Pushed in by the hundreds, piled on top of each other.
Holding on to each other for support.
The train jerks and sways, pushing people back and forth.
Packed to capacity, more people are shoved in.
The doors close.
There is no room to fall.
Hardly any air to breath.
Once, the doors were locked.
There was no escape.
People cried. Pleaded. Begged to be set free.
But were sent to their deaths.
Now, there is laughter.
The cars are air-conditioned.
The ride is short.
The people, moderately polite.
And at the end, the doors will open with a beep.
The people will spill out,
and go their separate ways.
Whether to work, or home, or to the movies.
But always, always,
to freedom.
Pushed in by the hundreds, piled on top of each other.
Holding on to each other for support.
The train jerks and sways, pushing people back and forth.
Packed to capacity, more people are shoved in.
The doors close.
There is no room to fall.
Hardly any air to breath.
Once, the doors were locked.
There was no escape.
People cried. Pleaded. Begged to be set free.
But were sent to their deaths.
Now, there is laughter.
The cars are air-conditioned.
The ride is short.
The people, moderately polite.
And at the end, the doors will open with a beep.
The people will spill out,
and go their separate ways.
Whether to work, or home, or to the movies.
to freedom.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
The start of something new
In ten years from now, I wouldn't be able to tell you what I ate for breakfast that morning.
I couldn't tell you how long it took me to get ready to go.
I'm not sure I would remember what the weather was like outside.
The passersby were a blur.
The music I listened to unmemorable.
My brain kind of on pause.
I didn't notice anything different.
The colors weren't any brighter.
The sun wasn't shining.
I wasn't suddenly struck by inspiration.
But something was different.
Something had changed.
I wondered if everyone felt it too.
This would be the day,
the start of something new,
that I would remember for the rest of my life.
I couldn't tell you how long it took me to get ready to go.
I'm not sure I would remember what the weather was like outside.
The passersby were a blur.
The music I listened to unmemorable.
My brain kind of on pause.
I didn't notice anything different.
The colors weren't any brighter.
The sun wasn't shining.
I wasn't suddenly struck by inspiration.
But something was different.
Something had changed.
I wondered if everyone felt it too.
This would be the day,
the start of something new,
that I would remember for the rest of my life.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Where will YOU be this Rosh Hashana?
Based on a talk by Rabbi Manis Friedman.
How can I practically do teshuva in the month of elul?
Doing aveiros hurts Hashem. Teshuva means to go back to Him. To return. In elul Hashem comes out to the field to tell you that you are welcome in his palace. He doesn't want you to doubt whether or not you are welcome. He wants to make sure that you will come. Elul is not a time to scare you into doing teshuva. Hashem wants us to come to his 'palace' because he needs us there. Teshuva means, will Hashem's request reach you? Does it mean anything to you that he wants you there? Will you go, or are you so far removed that it doesn't touch you?
It says, that if an engaged woman gets raped in the city, then her and the man who raped her are killed. Why? Because in a city if she would have screamed then we assume someone would have heard her. But if she was raped in a field, only the man who raped her is killed, because we assume that she screamed and there was no one there to help her.
The Rebbe says, if a girl is engaged and raped 'basadeh' then she is forgiven because 'Ain moshia la'- no one helped her. But instead of reading it as 'ain' no one, we read it as 'ayin' which means an eye. If no one helps her than Hashem, the eye will come himself to help her. He comes to the field, to the girl he is engaged to and says, no matter what happened, I forgive you.
Hashem knows that inside we really want to be good Jews. In elul he comes to the field and tells us that no matter what we have done, he forgives us and wants to be with us.
The baal shemtov says our relationship to Hashem is like a marriage. If there is no room for someone else than you can't be frum. Hashem created the world because he didn't want to be alone.
Real love is loving someone who either loves you or hates you. But you can't love someone who doesn't love you back.
Hashem is a romantic. He created the whole world for us so we would appreciate the fact that he wanted a relationship with us. Without a relationship Judaism is a horrible religion.
It says, 'im bechukosai telechu'- Hashem is asking us to please follow his rules. Your marriage will be just like your relationship to Hashem.
Marriage used to be sacred. They treated Hashem right and it carried over to their marriage. One follows the other. Marriage can exist without a good relationship but then there is no pleasure in it.
By kriyas yam suf, yechezkul saw the waters hovering over bnei yisroel and said, if you sin Hashem will kill you, the waters will close over you. But the shifcha (non-Jew) saw a great act of kindness. Hashem split the sea to save us from the Egyptions.
Tishrei Is a time of judgement. But Hashem is not judging us, He is judging galus and the yetzer harah, and all of Hashem's regrets. Hashem wants us to stop sinning because we are his children. When hashem is upset with us it is a compliment, it shows that he cares. It bothers hashem when we sin because he loves us.
So the question is, where will YOU be this Rosh hashana?
How can I practically do teshuva in the month of elul?
Doing aveiros hurts Hashem. Teshuva means to go back to Him. To return. In elul Hashem comes out to the field to tell you that you are welcome in his palace. He doesn't want you to doubt whether or not you are welcome. He wants to make sure that you will come. Elul is not a time to scare you into doing teshuva. Hashem wants us to come to his 'palace' because he needs us there. Teshuva means, will Hashem's request reach you? Does it mean anything to you that he wants you there? Will you go, or are you so far removed that it doesn't touch you?
It says, that if an engaged woman gets raped in the city, then her and the man who raped her are killed. Why? Because in a city if she would have screamed then we assume someone would have heard her. But if she was raped in a field, only the man who raped her is killed, because we assume that she screamed and there was no one there to help her.
The Rebbe says, if a girl is engaged and raped 'basadeh' then she is forgiven because 'Ain moshia la'- no one helped her. But instead of reading it as 'ain' no one, we read it as 'ayin' which means an eye. If no one helps her than Hashem, the eye will come himself to help her. He comes to the field, to the girl he is engaged to and says, no matter what happened, I forgive you.
Hashem knows that inside we really want to be good Jews. In elul he comes to the field and tells us that no matter what we have done, he forgives us and wants to be with us.
The baal shemtov says our relationship to Hashem is like a marriage. If there is no room for someone else than you can't be frum. Hashem created the world because he didn't want to be alone.
Real love is loving someone who either loves you or hates you. But you can't love someone who doesn't love you back.
Hashem is a romantic. He created the whole world for us so we would appreciate the fact that he wanted a relationship with us. Without a relationship Judaism is a horrible religion.
It says, 'im bechukosai telechu'- Hashem is asking us to please follow his rules. Your marriage will be just like your relationship to Hashem.
Marriage used to be sacred. They treated Hashem right and it carried over to their marriage. One follows the other. Marriage can exist without a good relationship but then there is no pleasure in it.
By kriyas yam suf, yechezkul saw the waters hovering over bnei yisroel and said, if you sin Hashem will kill you, the waters will close over you. But the shifcha (non-Jew) saw a great act of kindness. Hashem split the sea to save us from the Egyptions.
Tishrei Is a time of judgement. But Hashem is not judging us, He is judging galus and the yetzer harah, and all of Hashem's regrets. Hashem wants us to stop sinning because we are his children. When hashem is upset with us it is a compliment, it shows that he cares. It bothers hashem when we sin because he loves us.
So the question is, where will YOU be this Rosh hashana?
Friday, September 16, 2011
Sukkos weather
Cold air hits my face
I am propelled up the street as if by a force all its own.
My nose runs.
My hands are numb.
People marvel at how cold it is outside.
But I like it.
Even though it signals winter and the end of summer.
It is refreshing.
I walk fast and it warms me.
I know inside it'll be hot.
I am not ready for that.
So I sit on a bench and huddle in my sweater.
I can't text, my hands are cold.
I eat candy and reminisce about the past.
We sit there, summer, winter, fall, rain or shine.
And everything is okay.
Our laughter rings out in the street.
Whispered words too scandalous to say out loud.
Heads turn.
But we do not try to attract attention.
In our bubble, no one else exists.
Besides for us, and our inside jokes.
Night has fallen
and it is time to go inside.
The clocks ticks.
The house is quiet.
I am smiling
and everything is alright.
I am propelled up the street as if by a force all its own.
My nose runs.
My hands are numb.
People marvel at how cold it is outside.
But I like it.
Even though it signals winter and the end of summer.
It is refreshing.
I walk fast and it warms me.
I know inside it'll be hot.
I am not ready for that.
So I sit on a bench and huddle in my sweater.
I can't text, my hands are cold.
I eat candy and reminisce about the past.
We sit there, summer, winter, fall, rain or shine.
And everything is okay.
Our laughter rings out in the street.
Whispered words too scandalous to say out loud.
Heads turn.
But we do not try to attract attention.
In our bubble, no one else exists.
Besides for us, and our inside jokes.
Night has fallen
and it is time to go inside.
The clocks ticks.
The house is quiet.
I am smiling
and everything is alright.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Power
Sometimes you think you've hit rock bottom, and that there is no where to go but up. And then you realize you were mistaken, it is a false bottom and you are still falling. How much farther can you go?
Ripped photographs. Frantic. Desperation. It is a time long gone. A time of beauty, of happiness. You swill that word around in your mouth. It feels weird, foreign, unfamiliar. Some people spend their whole lives searching for happiness. Some never have to look for it. You want to hate those people and pray for their downfall. But that makes you bitter and evil. And no one likes bitter people.
You look at the past and think, what happened? You remember the girl in the photograph. Was she happy? Is that a real smile? You'd like to think so, if only to give hope to the fact that there once was happiness and will be again. But what if that is a fake smile forever captured on glossy paper? What if happiness is an illusion, never to be owned, only borrowed?
What is happiness, and can true happiness ever be obtained?
You ponder this in the whee hours of the night. Puzzle, or sudoku? That is the ultimate choice right now.
You laugh at things like videoBB, and malawach, because they are inside jokes. But where are those people who you shared them with? Those times are gone, only the memory remains. It is still funny, but for a time. After awhile the laughter will fade away... and with it the memories. And then you cannot remember why you ever found it so funny in the first place.
Sometimes you want to take the ultimate deep breath and walk away. You want to breath so deeply and for so long that you forget how. That suffocating feeling comes creeping up on you, when you least expect it. It can hit you in middle of the street, on the subway, when you are sleeping. It makes you gasp for air like you are a drowning man. And in a way, you are.
You wonder what it would be like if you could be anyone else. If you were granted one wish, if you got to pick who you wanted to be, and one tool you'd take with you. Who would you choose? What would it be? Would you want to be anyone else, or would you recognize that you are you and no one would want to be you? Or more positively put, that you cannot be anyone else, for that is a fleeting fantasy. You will wake up one day, in your own bed, in your pajamas and realize, you lived your life as someone else, but it was a lie. You have work to do, and you have wasted years of your life. So why be wasteful?
When they say "in one ear and out the other", were they referring to you? Do you listen when people talk to you? Has the written word no power at all?
People get tattoos to remember things. Slogans, people. Words of empowerment. Why do they have to remember? Lest they forget?
Once upon a time, we were all the same. We started off the same. We were not made the same. Does that not make us all equals? We came into this world both naked and bare. Then you, you rose above this world and slime, you took what you believed to be owed to you, you used it to get what you wanted. Manipulative? Maybe. But it got you that much farther ahead, did it not?
While others, they sit, still naked and bare, nothing to show for their time here on earth. They seethe with anger, because they started out the same as you and yet now you are unrecognizable. You are clothed. Your hair grew long. You eat from a spoon of gold.
So what is the difference between you and them?
That is something which will take a lifetime to understand.
And in the meantime, you smile and exploit people and situations. Ah, but you have forgotten where you came from. Once upon a time, you were nothing. And you will go back to nothing.
One day, it'll all make sense.
But for now, I sit here and stare up at the gold moon, wondering how complex this life really is, and how much of it we, ourselves create.
Ripped photographs. Frantic. Desperation. It is a time long gone. A time of beauty, of happiness. You swill that word around in your mouth. It feels weird, foreign, unfamiliar. Some people spend their whole lives searching for happiness. Some never have to look for it. You want to hate those people and pray for their downfall. But that makes you bitter and evil. And no one likes bitter people.
You look at the past and think, what happened? You remember the girl in the photograph. Was she happy? Is that a real smile? You'd like to think so, if only to give hope to the fact that there once was happiness and will be again. But what if that is a fake smile forever captured on glossy paper? What if happiness is an illusion, never to be owned, only borrowed?
What is happiness, and can true happiness ever be obtained?
You ponder this in the whee hours of the night. Puzzle, or sudoku? That is the ultimate choice right now.
You laugh at things like videoBB, and malawach, because they are inside jokes. But where are those people who you shared them with? Those times are gone, only the memory remains. It is still funny, but for a time. After awhile the laughter will fade away... and with it the memories. And then you cannot remember why you ever found it so funny in the first place.
Sometimes you want to take the ultimate deep breath and walk away. You want to breath so deeply and for so long that you forget how. That suffocating feeling comes creeping up on you, when you least expect it. It can hit you in middle of the street, on the subway, when you are sleeping. It makes you gasp for air like you are a drowning man. And in a way, you are.
You wonder what it would be like if you could be anyone else. If you were granted one wish, if you got to pick who you wanted to be, and one tool you'd take with you. Who would you choose? What would it be? Would you want to be anyone else, or would you recognize that you are you and no one would want to be you? Or more positively put, that you cannot be anyone else, for that is a fleeting fantasy. You will wake up one day, in your own bed, in your pajamas and realize, you lived your life as someone else, but it was a lie. You have work to do, and you have wasted years of your life. So why be wasteful?
When they say "in one ear and out the other", were they referring to you? Do you listen when people talk to you? Has the written word no power at all?
People get tattoos to remember things. Slogans, people. Words of empowerment. Why do they have to remember? Lest they forget?
Once upon a time, we were all the same. We started off the same. We were not made the same. Does that not make us all equals? We came into this world both naked and bare. Then you, you rose above this world and slime, you took what you believed to be owed to you, you used it to get what you wanted. Manipulative? Maybe. But it got you that much farther ahead, did it not?
While others, they sit, still naked and bare, nothing to show for their time here on earth. They seethe with anger, because they started out the same as you and yet now you are unrecognizable. You are clothed. Your hair grew long. You eat from a spoon of gold.
So what is the difference between you and them?
That is something which will take a lifetime to understand.
And in the meantime, you smile and exploit people and situations. Ah, but you have forgotten where you came from. Once upon a time, you were nothing. And you will go back to nothing.
One day, it'll all make sense.
But for now, I sit here and stare up at the gold moon, wondering how complex this life really is, and how much of it we, ourselves create.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Cruel Irony
It's like, when I fall down
you don't help me up.
You laugh at me.
And kick me down again.
Ir's like, when you ask me if I want to know something.
And I tell you yes.
But you laugh and don't tell me anything.
Would it have been better had I said no? Would you have told me then?
Or are you just cruel irony in disguise?
Do you wear the guise of a friend?
Do you dress up in pink and confetti and lure me in?
And then bite me when I get too close?
It's like, I try so hard.
Everyone keeps asking me what's going on.
My answer is always the same.
Nothing's going on.
The cruel irony is
that things were working out, and everything was going swell.
Or so it seemed.
But no, that wasn't good enough for you.
How cruelly ironic it is
that when I let down my guard and relax a bit
THAT is when you pounce.
You take it all away from me in a second.
And so I sit here
body ridden with germs
neck stiff at a weird angle.
Wondering what happened and where I went wrong.
And how I can possibly fix this.
you don't help me up.
You laugh at me.
And kick me down again.
Ir's like, when you ask me if I want to know something.
And I tell you yes.
But you laugh and don't tell me anything.
Would it have been better had I said no? Would you have told me then?
Or are you just cruel irony in disguise?
Do you wear the guise of a friend?
Do you dress up in pink and confetti and lure me in?
And then bite me when I get too close?
It's like, I try so hard.
Everyone keeps asking me what's going on.
My answer is always the same.
Nothing's going on.
The cruel irony is
that things were working out, and everything was going swell.
Or so it seemed.
But no, that wasn't good enough for you.
How cruelly ironic it is
that when I let down my guard and relax a bit
THAT is when you pounce.
You take it all away from me in a second.
And so I sit here
body ridden with germs
neck stiff at a weird angle.
Wondering what happened and where I went wrong.
And how I can possibly fix this.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Let the title speak for itself.
“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children. “
- President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001
“Now, we have inscribed a new memory alongside those others. It’s a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning. But not only of loss and mourning. It’s also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend–even a friend whose name it never knew. “
- President George W. Bush, December 11, 2001
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Little girls and strawberries, old ladies and bad perfume
Little babies are so cute. They come in many shapes and sizes. Skinny and light as air, pudgy, some are ugly truth be told, and some look like they belong on the cover of pampers diapers. But they are cute. You want to hold them and cuddle with them. You want to squeeze them tight and never let them go. My friend always says, I want that one, and I say sorry sweetie, that one is taken, you will just have to wait until you have one of your own.
What is it about little kids that make you want to kiss them? Pinch their cheeks, throw them in the air? Try kissing a little boy of 7. He will probably wipe his face and say 'stoooop!', like you just got 'cooties' all over him.
Then you get to an age where kissing is weird and awkward. Would you kiss your teenage friends on the cheek? I doubt it. You watch old ladies doing it in greeting and you think, that will never be me.
And then you grow up. You become a 20-something and you are so old and mature. Then it starts. You see your mother's friend at a lechaim, she leans in and gives you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes it's an 'air kiss', a quick mwa mwa. It's still weird, but you feel as if you have been initiated into some secret club, a society if you will. You are old enough now that it is not weird to kiss someone on the cheek in greeting, it is mandated. And then you wonder if you are now 'old' or have just grown up. Maybe it is one and the same.
I love the smell of babies. Shampoo. Clean clothes. A smell unique to them. It is the smell of innocence. It is not the smell of cheap cologne, or 'old lady perfume'. It is not the smell of cigarettes or beer. Yes sometimes they smell like spit-up or poop. But most of the time they are just so perfect.
Try holding on to that feeling when you are watching 6 kids and finally get them all to fall asleep, collapse on the couch in exhaustion... and 'whaaaaaa!'. And when one of them starts, it is like that arcade game where the alligator heads keep bopping up and you just have to keep pushing them down.
Then babysitting is over and you hand them over to their mother and you leave and forget all the crying and the dirty diapers and the spit-up all over you and you say awwww babies are so cute I can't wait to have one of my own.
Thank G-d you only have one at a time.
What is it about little kids that make you want to kiss them? Pinch their cheeks, throw them in the air? Try kissing a little boy of 7. He will probably wipe his face and say 'stoooop!', like you just got 'cooties' all over him.
Then you get to an age where kissing is weird and awkward. Would you kiss your teenage friends on the cheek? I doubt it. You watch old ladies doing it in greeting and you think, that will never be me.
And then you grow up. You become a 20-something and you are so old and mature. Then it starts. You see your mother's friend at a lechaim, she leans in and gives you a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Sometimes it's an 'air kiss', a quick mwa mwa. It's still weird, but you feel as if you have been initiated into some secret club, a society if you will. You are old enough now that it is not weird to kiss someone on the cheek in greeting, it is mandated. And then you wonder if you are now 'old' or have just grown up. Maybe it is one and the same.
I love the smell of babies. Shampoo. Clean clothes. A smell unique to them. It is the smell of innocence. It is not the smell of cheap cologne, or 'old lady perfume'. It is not the smell of cigarettes or beer. Yes sometimes they smell like spit-up or poop. But most of the time they are just so perfect.
Try holding on to that feeling when you are watching 6 kids and finally get them all to fall asleep, collapse on the couch in exhaustion... and 'whaaaaaa!'. And when one of them starts, it is like that arcade game where the alligator heads keep bopping up and you just have to keep pushing them down.
Then babysitting is over and you hand them over to their mother and you leave and forget all the crying and the dirty diapers and the spit-up all over you and you say awwww babies are so cute I can't wait to have one of my own.
Thank G-d you only have one at a time.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wake me up
Standing in the gloom.
Don't wanna move.
Just get me there okay.
Even though I wanna stay.
Huddled in a sweater.
Can this get any better?
Damp and cold.
Just an umbrella to hold.
Can't see much ahead.
Trusting you instead.
Headlights in the fog.
Pretending nothing's wrong.
Just a purse to call my own.
If I never went back home.
But alas the jury calls.
Can't sleep much after all.
Wake me up when September ends.
And yet September has already come.
And will have already gone.
Before I am ready to face it.
Don't wanna move.
Just get me there okay.
Even though I wanna stay.
Huddled in a sweater.
Can this get any better?
Damp and cold.
Just an umbrella to hold.
Can't see much ahead.
Trusting you instead.
Headlights in the fog.
Pretending nothing's wrong.
Just a purse to call my own.
If I never went back home.
But alas the jury calls.
Can't sleep much after all.
Wake me up when September ends.
And yet September has already come.
And will have already gone.
Before I am ready to face it.
Monday, September 5, 2011
One stop at a time
It is hard to do things all at once. "I will quit smoking cold turkey." "Diet starts tomorrow". I'm sure you've heard all of them. People make resolutions and they don't end up sticking to them. It is not because people can't do it, or won't do it, or do not have the strength to do it, although for some people this is the case. Most of the time when someone cannot accomplish a goal they set out for themselves, it is because they took on too much at once.
But what about doing things little by little?
In regards to taking on 'hachlatos' (resolutions) in Judaism, such as davening every day, keeping Shabbos or Kashrus, or something as simple as wearing a longer skirt, we are told not to take on too much at once, otherwise there is the risk that we might end up dumping all of them. If you take on one thing and stick at it for awhile, it will become a part of you and it won't be so hard to do. And then you can take on more.
Today I walked to Williamsburg. From Crown Heights. (If you are familiar with Brooklyn, you know they are quite a distance from each other.) It took me about an hour and twenty minutes. What is funny is that had I set out to walk to Williamsburg I probably would have been overwhelmed at the distance, and given up right away.
But I just wanted to take the bus. I didn't plan in walking.
Today was Labor Day. In Crown Heights it is synonymous with the West Indies day parade, in which African Americans celebrate the culture of the Caribbean Islands. People dress up in costume, wear their national flag, play really loud music, and have fun. It takes place on Eastern Parkway, the main thorough fair in Crown Heights.
Because of the vast amount of people, (from one million to three million) it is really difficult to cross Eastern Parkway. It took about twenty minutes. Once I got across, I had to wait for the bus, which was running on a different schedule, and had been rerouted. Since it wasn't coming for awhile, I decided to walk until I found a store to buy a drink, and then wait at the next bus stop.
I still didn't see the bus. I just kept walking. My thought was, just one more bus stop. Why bother standing here idly waiting for a bus that I don't know when will come? I might as well use the time and make the distance shorter. So I walked from bus stop to bus stop, keeping an eye on the street for a bus that never came. Maybe they weren't running, I don't know. But no bus ever passed me by.
And finally, I was in Williamsburg. I was tired and sweaty, but I didn't even care. I saved 2.25 on the bus fair, (not that I really care) and it was a great walk. (Though afterwards my father told me I had walked through a bad neighborhood. What I don't know can't hurt me, right? At least in retrospect.)
So if you ever set out to accomplish a big goal, break it up into small increments that you can handle. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one thing at a time.
And eventually, you will get there.
Even if it takes a lifetime.
But what about doing things little by little?
In regards to taking on 'hachlatos' (resolutions) in Judaism, such as davening every day, keeping Shabbos or Kashrus, or something as simple as wearing a longer skirt, we are told not to take on too much at once, otherwise there is the risk that we might end up dumping all of them. If you take on one thing and stick at it for awhile, it will become a part of you and it won't be so hard to do. And then you can take on more.
Today I walked to Williamsburg. From Crown Heights. (If you are familiar with Brooklyn, you know they are quite a distance from each other.) It took me about an hour and twenty minutes. What is funny is that had I set out to walk to Williamsburg I probably would have been overwhelmed at the distance, and given up right away.
But I just wanted to take the bus. I didn't plan in walking.
Today was Labor Day. In Crown Heights it is synonymous with the West Indies day parade, in which African Americans celebrate the culture of the Caribbean Islands. People dress up in costume, wear their national flag, play really loud music, and have fun. It takes place on Eastern Parkway, the main thorough fair in Crown Heights.
Because of the vast amount of people, (from one million to three million) it is really difficult to cross Eastern Parkway. It took about twenty minutes. Once I got across, I had to wait for the bus, which was running on a different schedule, and had been rerouted. Since it wasn't coming for awhile, I decided to walk until I found a store to buy a drink, and then wait at the next bus stop.
I still didn't see the bus. I just kept walking. My thought was, just one more bus stop. Why bother standing here idly waiting for a bus that I don't know when will come? I might as well use the time and make the distance shorter. So I walked from bus stop to bus stop, keeping an eye on the street for a bus that never came. Maybe they weren't running, I don't know. But no bus ever passed me by.
And finally, I was in Williamsburg. I was tired and sweaty, but I didn't even care. I saved 2.25 on the bus fair, (not that I really care) and it was a great walk. (Though afterwards my father told me I had walked through a bad neighborhood. What I don't know can't hurt me, right? At least in retrospect.)
So if you ever set out to accomplish a big goal, break it up into small increments that you can handle. Take it one step at a time, one day at a time, one thing at a time.
And eventually, you will get there.
Even if it takes a lifetime.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
It can't be
My mind refuses to believe what my eyes are seeing.
It can't be. It can't.
What I want to know is how. Because if you can't tell me how it happened then maybe it didn't happen. I refuse to believe it. I want someone to confirm it. Better, I want it to be a mistake.
Anger. I am so angry. And I just don't understand.
They call it a 'tragedy'. They say 'With great sadness and deep pain' but what do they know about pain? I doubt they even knew him.
Did I know him? He must have been 7 when I first saw him. My brother's age. We all played in the backyard together. He watched his little siblings. Sometimes he was annoying. Sometimes I teased him. For the way he talked. For the way he looked.
And then I moved away and never thought about any of them again.
His levaya is tomorrow. I have no idea how he passed away. I can't even say the words. I can't believe it.
Most of the time it's sad, but when it's someone you know, even vaguely... it hits harder. I am still reeling from the blow.
So please G-d, turn back the clock and make it not happen.
I feel like screaming. And I still don't understand it!
It can't be. It can't.
What I want to know is how. Because if you can't tell me how it happened then maybe it didn't happen. I refuse to believe it. I want someone to confirm it. Better, I want it to be a mistake.
Anger. I am so angry. And I just don't understand.
They call it a 'tragedy'. They say 'With great sadness and deep pain' but what do they know about pain? I doubt they even knew him.
Did I know him? He must have been 7 when I first saw him. My brother's age. We all played in the backyard together. He watched his little siblings. Sometimes he was annoying. Sometimes I teased him. For the way he talked. For the way he looked.
And then I moved away and never thought about any of them again.
His levaya is tomorrow. I have no idea how he passed away. I can't even say the words. I can't believe it.
Most of the time it's sad, but when it's someone you know, even vaguely... it hits harder. I am still reeling from the blow.
So please G-d, turn back the clock and make it not happen.
I feel like screaming. And I still don't understand it!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Hi, it's Mommy
That's what she always says when she calls. So simple. But sometimes I save her message in voice mail and play it back when I check my messages. It is reassuring.
Her voice is familiar, her words are familiar. She calls to tell me news. She calls to say hi. She calls to check on me.
I say 'hi ma, why are you calling?' (Well not so abrupt like that, but I work it into the conversation.)
She says she just wanted to say hi.
This is an ode to my mother whom I love so much. It is not mother's day. It is not her birthday. But if you ever get that warm protected feeling like there is someone who cares beyond physical belief, like you can fall and they will catch you- you know what I'm talking about.
"Hi ma, I'm just calling to say hi".
And she understands.
Her voice is familiar, her words are familiar. She calls to tell me news. She calls to say hi. She calls to check on me.
I say 'hi ma, why are you calling?' (Well not so abrupt like that, but I work it into the conversation.)
She says she just wanted to say hi.
This is an ode to my mother whom I love so much. It is not mother's day. It is not her birthday. But if you ever get that warm protected feeling like there is someone who cares beyond physical belief, like you can fall and they will catch you- you know what I'm talking about.
"Hi ma, I'm just calling to say hi".
And she understands.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
My little bit of freedom
Savoring it, enjoying it, cuz it might not last. My little bit of freedom.
The wind in my hair, I can go anywhere. But I choose the one place where I feel tranquility. Here I feel at peace. Calm. Focused.
I go to the place where questions are answered, where doubts are resolved, where fears are banished. I go to the place that soothes many souls, that encourages the wounded, and gives strength to the broken.
My thoughts are fluid. They bleed from my brain and form words on the paper. My hand cramps from writing too fast. I say all that I want to say, and hope that it is understood.
When I leave, I feel uplifted. It is as if I left a part of me behind. The part that doubts, the part that gets upset and worried, the part that fears. I emerge anew.
I am confident and faithful. So faithful that I hold out my hands ready to catch the blessings being rained down upon me.
It is more than that I have to believe. I believe because I have faith. And faith cannot be explained.
I know that this year will bring many good things. I hope that they will all be openly revealed good.
I cherish my last bit of freedom and return the car to its rightful owner.
My day is over but I am looking forward to tomorrow.
The wind in my hair, I can go anywhere. But I choose the one place where I feel tranquility. Here I feel at peace. Calm. Focused.
I go to the place where questions are answered, where doubts are resolved, where fears are banished. I go to the place that soothes many souls, that encourages the wounded, and gives strength to the broken.
My thoughts are fluid. They bleed from my brain and form words on the paper. My hand cramps from writing too fast. I say all that I want to say, and hope that it is understood.
When I leave, I feel uplifted. It is as if I left a part of me behind. The part that doubts, the part that gets upset and worried, the part that fears. I emerge anew.
I am confident and faithful. So faithful that I hold out my hands ready to catch the blessings being rained down upon me.
It is more than that I have to believe. I believe because I have faith. And faith cannot be explained.
I know that this year will bring many good things. I hope that they will all be openly revealed good.
I cherish my last bit of freedom and return the car to its rightful owner.
My day is over but I am looking forward to tomorrow.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Perspectives
It's all about perspectives. One time I was watching a late night talk show. (Conan O'Brien). One of the features was a game called 'What in the world?!' They would project a picture onto the screen, but it was heavily zoomed in. You would have to try to guess what it was a picture of, and then they would zoom out and you would see that you were way off the mark.
When you are too close to a situation it helps to take a step back and try to see things from afar instead of up close and personal. Things will start to make more sense.
I was working on finances for camp. I'm pretty good with numbers, but I kept adding and adding and it kept coming up $50 short of what the total was supposed to be. I used excel so the calculations weren't wrong. There was a 50 missing somewhere and I needed to find it. My boss said, big deal it's just 50 dollars, let it go. But I couldn't let it go. So she told me to take a break. And when I came back, the answer was glaring me in the face.
It helps to sleep on it. I was doing a 500 piece puzzle with my friend. We all got tired and couldn't find any matches. So we went to sleep. (The puzzle is still in progress so there is no end to that story. But hopefully when we try again things will be clearer and easier to find.)
Sometimes things just look really bad or down. But if you just take a breather, sleep on it, stop and zoom out and try to look at it from a different angle- usually you see that your problem is not really a problem after all.
I had a really great time camping and would love to do it again sometime. Hope everyone is enjoying their last few days of summer. I just realized that schools are starting back next week. Scary, I thought summer was for another few weeks.
For anyone in the path of hurricane Irene- be prepared and stay safe.
Wishing everyone a happy and healthy Shabbos!
-Altie
When you are too close to a situation it helps to take a step back and try to see things from afar instead of up close and personal. Things will start to make more sense.
I was working on finances for camp. I'm pretty good with numbers, but I kept adding and adding and it kept coming up $50 short of what the total was supposed to be. I used excel so the calculations weren't wrong. There was a 50 missing somewhere and I needed to find it. My boss said, big deal it's just 50 dollars, let it go. But I couldn't let it go. So she told me to take a break. And when I came back, the answer was glaring me in the face.
It helps to sleep on it. I was doing a 500 piece puzzle with my friend. We all got tired and couldn't find any matches. So we went to sleep. (The puzzle is still in progress so there is no end to that story. But hopefully when we try again things will be clearer and easier to find.)
Sometimes things just look really bad or down. But if you just take a breather, sleep on it, stop and zoom out and try to look at it from a different angle- usually you see that your problem is not really a problem after all.
I had a really great time camping and would love to do it again sometime. Hope everyone is enjoying their last few days of summer. I just realized that schools are starting back next week. Scary, I thought summer was for another few weeks.
For anyone in the path of hurricane Irene- be prepared and stay safe.
Wishing everyone a happy and healthy Shabbos!
-Altie
Thursday, August 25, 2011
What's the difference?
Somewhere along the way I lost the mockery. I stopped judging. Or rather, I tried to understand.
A parent should (and I stress should since not all parents do) teach their children to have an open mind and view the world without judgement. But alas, we are human, and children especially are prejudiced. If you are different than me then clearly you are wrong, you are strange. Acceptance doesn't come easily to children, it must be taught.
And what of adults? Some adults never learn either.
When I look at someone who is different, oh so different from me, I try to see where they are coming from. How their customs differ from mine. Take me and you out of the equation and we are one and the same. Maybe some things you do are right and I am wrong. Maybe I find your code of conduct strange or your standards way too high. But that is not my business and it is not my place to judge.
I feel different because of the way I dress, think, speak, because of the type of music I listen to, the books I read, the shows I watch. I wonder if you will look at me and see me with the same open-mindedness that I try to see you. Do you condemn me for being different than you, or do you try to understand? Do I even exist to you, or do you try to hide me behind a curtain and pretend that I am not there?
Some things you wear or do I see as oppressive. The funny thing is, these are the same things that the non-Jews see as oppressive, only to them you and I are the same. In Mitzrayim, during the Spanish Inquisition, in Russia, during the Holocaust, in Persia, in Syria- we were the same. We were all Jews and there was never a distinction. They tried to change us because they didn't want us to be 'different'. But we are different. We are different from them. We keep the Torah.
So why make a distinction between you and I?
Maybe we will never talk, maybe we will never dine together, I will never dress the way you do, you will never listen to the music that I listen to. All this is true. And once upon a time I used to think that you were too sheltered, underprivileged, that you were missing out on 'my world'.
But now I realize that my world and your world are one and the same. Maybe the color is different. Maybe the outside is different. But they make no distinction, and neither should we.
I see you waiting at the corner and I wonder if I should offer you a ride. Will the fact that I am a girl make a difference? The fact that I am Lubavitch? Or will you see that I am just trying to do a mitzvah and help out a fellow Jew?
One day it won't matter. We will all be united with the coming of Moshiach, may it be speedily in our days.
A parent should (and I stress should since not all parents do) teach their children to have an open mind and view the world without judgement. But alas, we are human, and children especially are prejudiced. If you are different than me then clearly you are wrong, you are strange. Acceptance doesn't come easily to children, it must be taught.
And what of adults? Some adults never learn either.
When I look at someone who is different, oh so different from me, I try to see where they are coming from. How their customs differ from mine. Take me and you out of the equation and we are one and the same. Maybe some things you do are right and I am wrong. Maybe I find your code of conduct strange or your standards way too high. But that is not my business and it is not my place to judge.
I feel different because of the way I dress, think, speak, because of the type of music I listen to, the books I read, the shows I watch. I wonder if you will look at me and see me with the same open-mindedness that I try to see you. Do you condemn me for being different than you, or do you try to understand? Do I even exist to you, or do you try to hide me behind a curtain and pretend that I am not there?
Some things you wear or do I see as oppressive. The funny thing is, these are the same things that the non-Jews see as oppressive, only to them you and I are the same. In Mitzrayim, during the Spanish Inquisition, in Russia, during the Holocaust, in Persia, in Syria- we were the same. We were all Jews and there was never a distinction. They tried to change us because they didn't want us to be 'different'. But we are different. We are different from them. We keep the Torah.
So why make a distinction between you and I?
Maybe we will never talk, maybe we will never dine together, I will never dress the way you do, you will never listen to the music that I listen to. All this is true. And once upon a time I used to think that you were too sheltered, underprivileged, that you were missing out on 'my world'.
But now I realize that my world and your world are one and the same. Maybe the color is different. Maybe the outside is different. But they make no distinction, and neither should we.
I see you waiting at the corner and I wonder if I should offer you a ride. Will the fact that I am a girl make a difference? The fact that I am Lubavitch? Or will you see that I am just trying to do a mitzvah and help out a fellow Jew?
One day it won't matter. We will all be united with the coming of Moshiach, may it be speedily in our days.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
You found me
I've missed you so much, my friend.
I'm glad that you are back.
It was so lonely here without you.
So empty.
So uncomfortable.
And squishy.
I missed the way you smell.
And the way you felt.
We were one.
And I was so lost without you.
I hug you close to me.
And breath in your smell.
So familiar,
and comforting.
You were $45 dollars,
but it was a bargain to me.
I've missed you my green converses.
I'm so glad to have you back.
I'm glad that you are back.
It was so lonely here without you.
So empty.
So uncomfortable.
And squishy.
I missed the way you smell.
And the way you felt.
We were one.
And I was so lost without you.
I hug you close to me.
And breath in your smell.
So familiar,
and comforting.
You were $45 dollars,
but it was a bargain to me.
I've missed you my green converses.
I'm so glad to have you back.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
CAMPING!
That is my great vacation plan. I am going camping with my friend and her family.
Ah, to be at one with nature, the smell of the trees, the feel of the dirt, sleeping in tents, gazing at the stars, swimming in a pond, roasting marshmallows over a camp fire, bonding, togetherness, hiking, public bathrooms and showers.
I can only imagine. I've never gone camping before. It's gonna be AWESOME!
I wonder if my phone will get reception there. I wonder if I'll be able to pull myself away anyway and enjoy the trip without distraction.
I've scheduled posts for the next few days so I think I'm gonna do it the good old way and refrain from cell phone use for a few days. Well, at least email.
Adios, amigos. Oh this is gonna be fuuuun!!!!
Ah, to be at one with nature, the smell of the trees, the feel of the dirt, sleeping in tents, gazing at the stars, swimming in a pond, roasting marshmallows over a camp fire, bonding, togetherness, hiking, public bathrooms and showers.
I can only imagine. I've never gone camping before. It's gonna be AWESOME!
I wonder if my phone will get reception there. I wonder if I'll be able to pull myself away anyway and enjoy the trip without distraction.
I've scheduled posts for the next few days so I think I'm gonna do it the good old way and refrain from cell phone use for a few days. Well, at least email.
Adios, amigos. Oh this is gonna be fuuuun!!!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
The things you see in Times Square. Oh New York, the capitol of Awesomeness.
Ever saw a bride and groom in Times Square?
The Running Man. Running in place for some flip flop marathon raising money for some cause.
The spray painted guy.
The Candy Man. We can all use one of those.
Self-explanatory. (No I did not buy one ;) )
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Selective amnesia
Slam slam, lock lock
walls shake, house rocks.
Finally quiet, fight is done
tell me, who really won?
Chairs strewn everywhere,
avocado in my hair.
Voices shouting throwing slurs
how it started is a blur.
Silence, but the heavy kind.
no talking, can't rewind.
Take it back- no you first.
being home brings out the worst.
Children quarreling, but we're grown.
each man for his own.
Tensions thick, tempers high,
it must be them not I.
Takes two to start a fight
can't end it, I am right.
Will we ever let this go.
maybe someday, I don't know.
Shabbos over, must get out.
Leave or I might shout.
Why do I always return?
I guess I never learn.
walls shake, house rocks.
Finally quiet, fight is done
tell me, who really won?
Chairs strewn everywhere,
avocado in my hair.
Voices shouting throwing slurs
how it started is a blur.
Silence, but the heavy kind.
no talking, can't rewind.
Take it back- no you first.
being home brings out the worst.
Children quarreling, but we're grown.
each man for his own.
Tensions thick, tempers high,
it must be them not I.
Takes two to start a fight
can't end it, I am right.
Will we ever let this go.
maybe someday, I don't know.
Shabbos over, must get out.
Leave or I might shout.
Why do I always return?
I guess I never learn.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Calm after the storm
Smile. It is raining and the day is dreary but smile. Heart light, too light, like my stomach is filled with air. Maybe because I ran out of cereal and had a weird breakfast of a protein bar and a fruit.
Walking in the rain, no umbrella or sweater. Really, no use.
Early. It is so early but I'm not tired. I don't know why. I feel peaceful, calm. It is the kind of calm you feel after a bout of nerves, when your nervous system depresses and says, I've had enough. It is a false calm brought on by nerves. So am I nervous or am I calm? I don't know. Maybe both.
Nice shirts. And suits. Heels? What's the occasion? Now I feel under dressed. But this day is not about me, is it.
Feels like a normal day, but it's not a normal day. Last time making my rounds, last time repairing a scraped knee, last time answering the phones, last time. Sigh. I will probably return soon enough but it'll be quiet then. What is camp without the campers?
So much to do, so-much-to-do. Breath. Busy busy, way too busy, not gonna finish on time. Too much pressure. What do you want, what do you need, can't you see I'm busy? Yes okay, I'll do that, I'll take care of that, and that and that and that. And cross off things on my list of things to do until it is empty. EMPTY.
The office is so empty, everything packed into boxes. Computer deleted of all files. It is like we were never really there.
Parents calling, confused. Where do we go? Really? We told you already, do you not listen?
Babysitting a blackberry in a car for twenty minutes. Such fun. Missing the performances, the best part. Greeting parents, still doing my job, still in office mode.
Food, but too nervous to eat. It's back again, that bottomless pit in my stomach that anything I eat will fall into a deep hole. And then good bye good bye good bye good bye. When does it end? Still here? I thought I said good bye.
Oh well. Maybe I'll see you again and maybe not. Either way, great meeting you, great experience, hug hug, thanks so much.
The first tears flow but that's okay I have no need to cry, a job's a job. People? Ya it was fun but so what? Car rides in the morning, chit chat in the office and making fun of the campers and staff alike. We were equals. A part of something. Something in common. But it's over. So good bye.
Last car ride home. Smile. It is dark and pouring and the sky is lighting up with lightning. Just smile. That nervous feeling has not gone away. Get in your last stories and jokes because this thing we are a part of, once it is over- we will no longer have anything in common. It will be just you are you and I am I. So good bye.
Have a safe trip, see you around, keep in touch (probably not.) Final salute. A salute. It feels so official. And how do you say good bye without a hug, a handshake? Nothing. It is just good bye.
Final car door slam. That's it. Good bye good bye good bye good bye.
I walk up the block and my stomach feels light and empty. Walking aimless? That's weird, I know where I'm going. But I don't know what comes next.
It is so quiet outside. Like the world is holding its breath. Waiting for something. For what, I don't know.
And it has finally hit me that it's over. It's really over? Ya it's over.
So good bye.
Walking in the rain, no umbrella or sweater. Really, no use.
Early. It is so early but I'm not tired. I don't know why. I feel peaceful, calm. It is the kind of calm you feel after a bout of nerves, when your nervous system depresses and says, I've had enough. It is a false calm brought on by nerves. So am I nervous or am I calm? I don't know. Maybe both.
Nice shirts. And suits. Heels? What's the occasion? Now I feel under dressed. But this day is not about me, is it.
Feels like a normal day, but it's not a normal day. Last time making my rounds, last time repairing a scraped knee, last time answering the phones, last time. Sigh. I will probably return soon enough but it'll be quiet then. What is camp without the campers?
So much to do, so-much-to-do. Breath. Busy busy, way too busy, not gonna finish on time. Too much pressure. What do you want, what do you need, can't you see I'm busy? Yes okay, I'll do that, I'll take care of that, and that and that and that. And cross off things on my list of things to do until it is empty. EMPTY.
The office is so empty, everything packed into boxes. Computer deleted of all files. It is like we were never really there.
Parents calling, confused. Where do we go? Really? We told you already, do you not listen?
Babysitting a blackberry in a car for twenty minutes. Such fun. Missing the performances, the best part. Greeting parents, still doing my job, still in office mode.
Food, but too nervous to eat. It's back again, that bottomless pit in my stomach that anything I eat will fall into a deep hole. And then good bye good bye good bye good bye. When does it end? Still here? I thought I said good bye.
Oh well. Maybe I'll see you again and maybe not. Either way, great meeting you, great experience, hug hug, thanks so much.
The first tears flow but that's okay I have no need to cry, a job's a job. People? Ya it was fun but so what? Car rides in the morning, chit chat in the office and making fun of the campers and staff alike. We were equals. A part of something. Something in common. But it's over. So good bye.
Last car ride home. Smile. It is dark and pouring and the sky is lighting up with lightning. Just smile. That nervous feeling has not gone away. Get in your last stories and jokes because this thing we are a part of, once it is over- we will no longer have anything in common. It will be just you are you and I am I. So good bye.
Have a safe trip, see you around, keep in touch (probably not.) Final salute. A salute. It feels so official. And how do you say good bye without a hug, a handshake? Nothing. It is just good bye.
Final car door slam. That's it. Good bye good bye good bye good bye.
I walk up the block and my stomach feels light and empty. Walking aimless? That's weird, I know where I'm going. But I don't know what comes next.
It is so quiet outside. Like the world is holding its breath. Waiting for something. For what, I don't know.
And it has finally hit me that it's over. It's really over? Ya it's over.
So good bye.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Winner winner chicken dinner
It is gratifying to have someone pay for your dinner. Who doesn't like free stuff?
But I'd rather stay at home and slave over a hot stove (spare me) for my own home cooked meal. I usually can't stomach take-out, not to mention the fact that it tastes so unhealthy and loaded with unmentionable ingredients.
Tomorrow (or rather today when you will be reading this) is the last day of camp. It is going to be a high stress day for me. Finishing up, packing up, cleaning up, transferring files to dvd's, wiping the hard drive clean, (we rented the laptop from RAC). Lots to do.
And I always get this nervous feeling when the end draws near. I hate endings. I wish things never ended, they just went on forever. Or if they had to end that it would happen gradually and over time so I wouldn't notice it. I hate abrupt endings. Which is technically redundant as ending ARE abrupt.
So good bye summer. Well not yet but soon. Yesterday I left my place and thought, maybe I should take a sweater? It is getting chilly out.
Oh future, future, where art thou?
I'm going 'home' to Monsey for shabbos. Yes, it's only Thursday, but I was already saying on Monday 'so the week's almost over...'.
I loved my job and it was a great 7 weeks. Now on to bigger and better things. (Hopefully.)
But I'd rather stay at home and slave over a hot stove (spare me) for my own home cooked meal. I usually can't stomach take-out, not to mention the fact that it tastes so unhealthy and loaded with unmentionable ingredients.
Tomorrow (or rather today when you will be reading this) is the last day of camp. It is going to be a high stress day for me. Finishing up, packing up, cleaning up, transferring files to dvd's, wiping the hard drive clean, (we rented the laptop from RAC). Lots to do.
And I always get this nervous feeling when the end draws near. I hate endings. I wish things never ended, they just went on forever. Or if they had to end that it would happen gradually and over time so I wouldn't notice it. I hate abrupt endings. Which is technically redundant as ending ARE abrupt.
So good bye summer. Well not yet but soon. Yesterday I left my place and thought, maybe I should take a sweater? It is getting chilly out.
Oh future, future, where art thou?
I'm going 'home' to Monsey for shabbos. Yes, it's only Thursday, but I was already saying on Monday 'so the week's almost over...'.
I loved my job and it was a great 7 weeks. Now on to bigger and better things. (Hopefully.)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Ups and downs
Ever tried to book a flight 5 days before flying? Try it. It is frustrating. Besides the fact that the prices are already higher than they would be had you had the foresight to book in advance, the airlines try to trick you. The more you search for flights, the higher the prices go. Instantly.
I found a flight for 321, was basically ready to book it and literally 5 minutes later it had shot up to 381. $60?? I think this is G-d's way of telling me, too bad sweetie, not this time.
So it looks like the vacation thing ain't happening. At least not now. Maybe I will go to a friend or somewhere local just to get away. Even a few days would be nice.
Sometimes in life things do change quickly, the rug gets pulled out from under you. You have to make a choice: gets upset, storm away throw up your hands throw a temper tantrum and give up? Or deal with it. Yes it is not fun dealing with set-backs, or problems of any sort. But you must deal with them cuz is there really an alternative?
Another lesson, specifically for procrastinators like myself is- make up your mind! Don't take so long to make decisions cuz otherwise life will pass you by while you stand there thinking, hmmm, red or green? Grab life by the horns and ride it for all it's worth.
Hope everyone has a great day, and try this statement: "Today I will do one thing to make the world a better place".
Ya I think I was meant to be an inspirational speaker :)
I found a flight for 321, was basically ready to book it and literally 5 minutes later it had shot up to 381. $60?? I think this is G-d's way of telling me, too bad sweetie, not this time.
So it looks like the vacation thing ain't happening. At least not now. Maybe I will go to a friend or somewhere local just to get away. Even a few days would be nice.
Sometimes in life things do change quickly, the rug gets pulled out from under you. You have to make a choice: gets upset, storm away throw up your hands throw a temper tantrum and give up? Or deal with it. Yes it is not fun dealing with set-backs, or problems of any sort. But you must deal with them cuz is there really an alternative?
Another lesson, specifically for procrastinators like myself is- make up your mind! Don't take so long to make decisions cuz otherwise life will pass you by while you stand there thinking, hmmm, red or green? Grab life by the horns and ride it for all it's worth.
Hope everyone has a great day, and try this statement: "Today I will do one thing to make the world a better place".
Ya I think I was meant to be an inspirational speaker :)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Piece of mind
I close my eyes and let the breeze rush over me. I inhale deeply and let my body relax. I let the tension drain out of me and block out all noise besides the pulsating beat in my ears. Nothing exists besides me. I find my peace in my own little world. I embrace it and let it encompass me, I make it mine. I am at peace.
And then I slowly open my eyes and the noise of cars and traffic and people permeate my senses and I am outside once again.
But just for a short time, the universe was my living room and the bench my oasis. And I was alone.
And then I slowly open my eyes and the noise of cars and traffic and people permeate my senses and I am outside once again.
But just for a short time, the universe was my living room and the bench my oasis. And I was alone.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Mi'laim mitzvos k'rimon
I think I should get an award for the most consecutive posts in over a month. Go through my blog, the evidence is all there. I've posted almost every day for the past 5 weeks.
Last night I did not get a chance to write a post. It felt weird this morning walking to camp and knowing I wasn't expecting my customary email at 8 am telling me that my blog post has been published. As much as I like being random, it is also nice to have something to post about every day.
And then in the car I came up with something. I heard two nice things I'd like to share.
1) The Baal Shem Tov said that everything you see and hear every day, specifically in Torah learning, has some connection to you and your avodas Hashem. Which brings me to the second thing I heard.
2) A chossid once came to the Rebbe (I'm not sure which Rebbe) and asked him, how can it say 'Afilu poshei yisroel milaim mitzvos kerimon' (Even the lowest sinners are filled with good deeds like a pomegranate). If they are sinners how do they have any mitzvos?
To which the Rebbe responded: if they are filled with mitzvos, how can they be sinners?
We can take two things from this: that even if you think you are 'bad' or a low person, you still have a lot of mitzvos and merits. And that there are no real bad people cuz anyone can repent.
It is easy to say, well I slipped up this time so why bother trying. Or I am such a bad Jew anyway so why should I do any mitzvos?
Every little thing counts.
I have taken on a hachlata and stuck to it for 4 days so far. I am proud of myself because I usually drop them very quickly. We'll see how long it lasts, but I know every little thing is a step in the right direction.
(And there is my post for Monday.)
Last night I did not get a chance to write a post. It felt weird this morning walking to camp and knowing I wasn't expecting my customary email at 8 am telling me that my blog post has been published. As much as I like being random, it is also nice to have something to post about every day.
And then in the car I came up with something. I heard two nice things I'd like to share.
1) The Baal Shem Tov said that everything you see and hear every day, specifically in Torah learning, has some connection to you and your avodas Hashem. Which brings me to the second thing I heard.
2) A chossid once came to the Rebbe (I'm not sure which Rebbe) and asked him, how can it say 'Afilu poshei yisroel milaim mitzvos kerimon' (Even the lowest sinners are filled with good deeds like a pomegranate). If they are sinners how do they have any mitzvos?
To which the Rebbe responded: if they are filled with mitzvos, how can they be sinners?
We can take two things from this: that even if you think you are 'bad' or a low person, you still have a lot of mitzvos and merits. And that there are no real bad people cuz anyone can repent.
It is easy to say, well I slipped up this time so why bother trying. Or I am such a bad Jew anyway so why should I do any mitzvos?
Every little thing counts.
I have taken on a hachlata and stuck to it for 4 days so far. I am proud of myself because I usually drop them very quickly. We'll see how long it lasts, but I know every little thing is a step in the right direction.
(And there is my post for Monday.)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The rain is falling on my window pane, but we are hiding in a safer place.
Walking in the rain with a smile on my face. I think my opinion about rain goes back and forth. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I can't stand it. Tonight it was quite gratifying.
Oh wow it just thundered REALLY loud, it sounded like a building fell down. Today by the meal my brother knocked over a wine bottle and then he leaped to catch it and I jumped. What is it about loud noises that make us jump?
The end of summer had me thinking of back to school, but I am not going back to school. At least not now. The thought of new school shoes makes my heart pound, and not in a good way.
I am trying to plan a vacation with anyone and everyone. First with my mother, but she doesn't want to go away right now. One friend is busy, another not really interested, my little brother jokingly said he will come. I finally settled (not the greatest word to use) on one friend and we are in the planning process. We'll see if it works out but the more we stall the higher the ticket prices rise.
Manhattan is a fun and cool place to go. Today I saw a total of 4 fountains. They were awesome. I saw 2 brides. I saw a gay couple (kissing). I saw a girl with no shirt and no bra offering people to take a picture with her for a fee (don't worry her nipples were covered in jewels.) I saw a guy offering free hugs, I saw myself on a huge screen in Times Square, I saw 2 horses, I saw tons of police officers, and surprisingly I saw no punch buggys today.
Out of shirts? No problem. Forever 21 is open at midnight. Need a ring with a bone on it for your dog? Sure. Just $995. (Yes that is nine hundred and ninety five dollars. Seriously.)
I did tons of walking today I am so tired and ready to go to sleep. But it was a great day with friends, and discovering new things.
My current job is about to end and I have no solid plans for next year yet. But that's okay, it's great, it's all good, it'll all work out. (Or so I try to convince myself.)
I'd like to do a repost of a poem I wrote last summer. (I never do reposts but it seems fitting here.)
Follow the link here if you would like to read the comments. Some are quite funny.
That's all for now. Good night and stay dry.
Oh wow it just thundered REALLY loud, it sounded like a building fell down. Today by the meal my brother knocked over a wine bottle and then he leaped to catch it and I jumped. What is it about loud noises that make us jump?
The end of summer had me thinking of back to school, but I am not going back to school. At least not now. The thought of new school shoes makes my heart pound, and not in a good way.
I am trying to plan a vacation with anyone and everyone. First with my mother, but she doesn't want to go away right now. One friend is busy, another not really interested, my little brother jokingly said he will come. I finally settled (not the greatest word to use) on one friend and we are in the planning process. We'll see if it works out but the more we stall the higher the ticket prices rise.
Manhattan is a fun and cool place to go. Today I saw a total of 4 fountains. They were awesome. I saw 2 brides. I saw a gay couple (kissing). I saw a girl with no shirt and no bra offering people to take a picture with her for a fee (don't worry her nipples were covered in jewels.) I saw a guy offering free hugs, I saw myself on a huge screen in Times Square, I saw 2 horses, I saw tons of police officers, and surprisingly I saw no punch buggys today.
Out of shirts? No problem. Forever 21 is open at midnight. Need a ring with a bone on it for your dog? Sure. Just $995. (Yes that is nine hundred and ninety five dollars. Seriously.)
I did tons of walking today I am so tired and ready to go to sleep. But it was a great day with friends, and discovering new things.
My current job is about to end and I have no solid plans for next year yet. But that's okay, it's great, it's all good, it'll all work out. (Or so I try to convince myself.)
I'd like to do a repost of a poem I wrote last summer. (I never do reposts but it seems fitting here.)
SUMMER!!! and stuff
Summer comes,
Spring wanes,
along with it comes sunshine rains.
The temp is hot,
the guys are not,
in the pool we want to stay.
I've got to work
no time to play
for me this ain't vaca-
tion.
Rise at seven
kids and camp
no time for a nap.
Burnt we get
like barbecue
faces red and peeling.
No sunscreen?
That's just dumb
tanning like a beach bum.
No plans for next year
but who cares
forget about it now.
Relax, let loose
enjoy the sun
have some summer fun.
Three months it is
until it ends
and then the fall comes again.
The ant and the grasshopper
like in the French fable
La cigale et la fourmi on my kitchen table.
Danced and sang
all summer long
the inevitable I did prolong.
The time has come
to move on, but-
damn I've got no job.
Spring wanes,
along with it comes sunshine rains.
The temp is hot,
the guys are not,
in the pool we want to stay.
I've got to work
no time to play
for me this ain't vaca-
tion.
Rise at seven
kids and camp
no time for a nap.
Burnt we get
like barbecue
faces red and peeling.
No sunscreen?
That's just dumb
tanning like a beach bum.
No plans for next year
but who cares
forget about it now.
Relax, let loose
enjoy the sun
have some summer fun.
Three months it is
until it ends
and then the fall comes again.
The ant and the grasshopper
like in the French fable
La cigale et la fourmi on my kitchen table.
Danced and sang
all summer long
the inevitable I did prolong.
The time has come
to move on, but-
damn I've got no job.
That's all for now. Good night and stay dry.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Coward
You sucumb to it time and again.
You never stay until the end.
Stare it down like I do.
Dont give in until you're through.
Cowards never win the fight.
You think you're weak but you've got might.
Always remember push through the pain.
Only strong ones will remain.
I vibrate with anger every time.
Who said being weak is a crime?
You are not only slighting yourself.
But everyone who needs your help.
Dont be a coward be a hero instead.
What good are you if you're dead.
You ignore me but I try to make you see.
If not for you then do it for me.
I will not make the same mistake as you.
You say Im strong now I've got a lot to prove.
I hate when you don't sound the same.
This is life it ain't no game.
So suck it up cuz ppl have real problems don't you get it?
You haven't scored but you want credit.
Fake it till you make it if that's what it takes.
But never ever be cowardice
cuz the weak ones- they always break.
You never stay until the end.
Stare it down like I do.
Dont give in until you're through.
Cowards never win the fight.
You think you're weak but you've got might.
Always remember push through the pain.
Only strong ones will remain.
I vibrate with anger every time.
Who said being weak is a crime?
You are not only slighting yourself.
But everyone who needs your help.
Dont be a coward be a hero instead.
What good are you if you're dead.
You ignore me but I try to make you see.
If not for you then do it for me.
I will not make the same mistake as you.
You say Im strong now I've got a lot to prove.
I hate when you don't sound the same.
This is life it ain't no game.
So suck it up cuz ppl have real problems don't you get it?
You haven't scored but you want credit.
Fake it till you make it if that's what it takes.
But never ever be cowardice
cuz the weak ones- they always break.
Where in the world is Carmen SanDiago?
Some people you just know where they are at all times. Some people may be strutting around the globe and you have no idea where they are now.
Some people lead exciting lives and are constantly traveling. While others have their same routine day in and day out.
Some people don't want to be settled, while others yearn for stability.
I like knowing. I like keeping tabs on people. Not in any creepy sort of way, and not for any controlling reasons. It is just reassuring to me to know where certain people are. I like knowing that my mother is at home. Or my father is at work. If my parents were hippys and constantly moved... well I would have been a flower child.
A friend once asked me why I cared or wanted to know where they were going to be for the year. I said it reassures me even if we are not talking or near each other to know where you are. Kind of like a parent knows that after tucking in his or her child that child is in bed.
I can look up at the night sky and wonder if you are looking up too. I may not be with you but I know where you are.
Today was my brother's birthday. I forgot. Or I didn't know to begin with. Happy birthday brother, wherever you are.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
What if
What if what was, wasnt.
And what is, isn't.
And what will be, won't.
What if what used to be never was.
What if what seems to be isn't at all.
What if reality is fictional.
What if what we think doesnt exist.
What if things that were said weren't meant.
What if what we send was never sent.
What if what is given isn't gotten.
What if what was laughed about was taken in tears.
What if my smile never reaches your ears.
What if what was real is one big sham.
What if black and white is really gray.
What if what you said isn't what you say.
What happens to past when present changes?
What happens when everything is different
and nothing remains the same?
What if gullibility is like a punch to the gut.
What if reality is wrenching.
What if past is painful and confusing.
What was, was it?
What is, is it?
What will be... What will be?
And what is, isn't.
And what will be, won't.
What if what used to be never was.
What if what seems to be isn't at all.
What if reality is fictional.
What if what we think doesnt exist.
What if things that were said weren't meant.
What if what we send was never sent.
What if what is given isn't gotten.
What if what was laughed about was taken in tears.
What if my smile never reaches your ears.
What if what was real is one big sham.
What if black and white is really gray.
What if what you said isn't what you say.
What happens to past when present changes?
What happens when everything is different
and nothing remains the same?
What if gullibility is like a punch to the gut.
What if reality is wrenching.
What if past is painful and confusing.
What was, was it?
What is, is it?
What will be... What will be?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Baby Brother
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be."
Sometimes we fight.
But it's okay cuz I'm bigger than you.
Sometimes I bother you just for the fun of it,
To feel like a kid again.
I sit on you.
But then I remember that I am not bigger than you anymore.
You are bigger than me now.
So you try to hurt me.
But I laugh, because you fight like a girl.
I fight like a girl too.
I give you candy and you look at me suspiciously.
I offer you $10 to help me out and you are surprised when I pay up.
You are my baby
But you are not so little anymore.
Sometimes you are annoying,
But then you let me hug you in public.
Sometimes I can't stand you,
But then you email me to tell me you miss me.
I know you will grow up eventually.
I hope you will still miss me then.
Even when you are away at yeshiva,
Even when you are a famous rabbi or shliach,
Even when you find a beautiful girl to marry,
Even you have a baby of your own.
I hope you will still email me then,
Even if I laugh cuz you can't spell.
You will always be my baby brother.
And I'll always love you.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Jolted
Ever had that feeling of falling, when you are sleeping sitting up, or resting your head on your hand leaning your elbow against something? Something happens, either in your dream or your arm is jostled and suddenly you are falling forward, jolted into sudden wakefulness.
I hate that feeling. Here I am sleeping peacefully, or fitfully but sleeping nonetheless, and I am rudely awakened. It is especially hard to sleep in a moving car when you are awakened with every turn.
Jolt:
1.to jar, shake, or cause to move by or as if by a sudden rough thrust; shake up roughly: The bus jolted its passengers as it went down the rocky road.
2.to knock sharply so as to dislodge: He jolted the nail free with a stone.
3.to stun with a blow, especially in boxing.
4.to shock emotionally or psychologically: His sudden death jolted us all.
5.to bring to a desired state sharply or abruptly: to jolt a person into awareness.
The definition of jolt is something startling and sudden. It is meant to surprise you, stun you, push you into action.
We all need a little push once in awhile, someone to tell us nu, learn a little, get up and go to minyan, take stock of your life and start making decisions, get on the right path now rather than later.
Like a wise woman once told me, "No one is an island, and no one can do it on their own."
Wake up yidden! Ton a mitzva, ton a yid a toiva, do something to bring Moshiach, or to further your personal growth.
If you are in such a good place in life that you can disregard this message, I am jealous of you.
Here is my wake-up call to you, my little push to get you moving. Utilize it.
I hate that feeling. Here I am sleeping peacefully, or fitfully but sleeping nonetheless, and I am rudely awakened. It is especially hard to sleep in a moving car when you are awakened with every turn.
Jolt:
1.to jar, shake, or cause to move by or as if by a sudden rough thrust; shake up roughly: The bus jolted its passengers as it went down the rocky road.
2.to knock sharply so as to dislodge: He jolted the nail free with a stone.
3.to stun with a blow, especially in boxing.
4.to shock emotionally or psychologically: His sudden death jolted us all.
5.to bring to a desired state sharply or abruptly: to jolt a person into awareness.
The definition of jolt is something startling and sudden. It is meant to surprise you, stun you, push you into action.
We all need a little push once in awhile, someone to tell us nu, learn a little, get up and go to minyan, take stock of your life and start making decisions, get on the right path now rather than later.
Like a wise woman once told me, "No one is an island, and no one can do it on their own."
Wake up yidden! Ton a mitzva, ton a yid a toiva, do something to bring Moshiach, or to further your personal growth.
If you are in such a good place in life that you can disregard this message, I am jealous of you.
Here is my wake-up call to you, my little push to get you moving. Utilize it.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Dear mom and dad,
I'm having a great time in the country. Besides for the rain. Oh it rained ALL day. We sat on the porch and watched it come down dripping, in buckets, slow and steady. But it wouldn't let up. It was kind of dreary, yet somehow beautiful at the same time. I wanted to walk to the lake but I didn't have rain boots. So we ate and read and slept and had a shabbos party and tried to pass the time.
I watched little girls riding bikes in the pouring rain with their hair stuck to their faces and I thought how cute but also where are their mothers.
And the BUGS. They were everywhere. Daddy long legs, ants, big bugs and small. They invade our space. Or are we invading their space?
The mosquitoes were relentless. I tried not to scratch but boy did those things itch.
All in all I had a great time. I got to hold a 3 week old baby. She is so tiny! It's weird to think that 3 weeks ago she wasn't even here. She has tiny little fingers and she weighs nothing. I was a little nervous that I was holding her the wrong way but I was reassured when her mother let the older kids hold her. I mean I can't be any worse than a 11 year old right?
I have a recollection of someone jumping up and down on my bed as I tried to sleep. Some kid licked my phone. They fought, they cried, they touched my stuff. To say I love these kids is an understatement. But when their Bubby came to take over I gladly gave over the reigns and said good riddance. A kiss on the head and I was out of there.
I always wonder if the way I treat kids I babysit will reflect the type of mother I will be. Will I be so strict about not standing atop the monkey bars that they will hate me? Is it normal that everyone let's their little kids run wild but I have to know where they are at all times? Or that I force them to sit down and eat a snack? Or take a nap? Or scrub their faces clean even when they are squirming in protest?
Is it okay to be more strict with the kids you babysit than their mother is with them?
I worry cuz I want to be a good mother and I don't want my kids to hate me.
Anyway I had a great time and it was nice to meet the newest addition to the family.
On my way back now. Looking forward to some R&R from my vacation. Yup you read that right.
Hope to have a good week.
All the best,
Altie.
P.S. I made it to my new month with 2 minutes to spare. Mostly because my phone didn't have reception in the country and also cuz I forgot my charger so it died. Feel free to call for a 2 minute conversation ;)
I watched little girls riding bikes in the pouring rain with their hair stuck to their faces and I thought how cute but also where are their mothers.
And the BUGS. They were everywhere. Daddy long legs, ants, big bugs and small. They invade our space. Or are we invading their space?
The mosquitoes were relentless. I tried not to scratch but boy did those things itch.
All in all I had a great time. I got to hold a 3 week old baby. She is so tiny! It's weird to think that 3 weeks ago she wasn't even here. She has tiny little fingers and she weighs nothing. I was a little nervous that I was holding her the wrong way but I was reassured when her mother let the older kids hold her. I mean I can't be any worse than a 11 year old right?
I have a recollection of someone jumping up and down on my bed as I tried to sleep. Some kid licked my phone. They fought, they cried, they touched my stuff. To say I love these kids is an understatement. But when their Bubby came to take over I gladly gave over the reigns and said good riddance. A kiss on the head and I was out of there.
I always wonder if the way I treat kids I babysit will reflect the type of mother I will be. Will I be so strict about not standing atop the monkey bars that they will hate me? Is it normal that everyone let's their little kids run wild but I have to know where they are at all times? Or that I force them to sit down and eat a snack? Or take a nap? Or scrub their faces clean even when they are squirming in protest?
Is it okay to be more strict with the kids you babysit than their mother is with them?
I worry cuz I want to be a good mother and I don't want my kids to hate me.
Anyway I had a great time and it was nice to meet the newest addition to the family.
On my way back now. Looking forward to some R&R from my vacation. Yup you read that right.
Hope to have a good week.
All the best,
Altie.
P.S. I made it to my new month with 2 minutes to spare. Mostly because my phone didn't have reception in the country and also cuz I forgot my charger so it died. Feel free to call for a 2 minute conversation ;)
Friday, August 5, 2011
Don’t say lashon harah don’t, even if you want to then you won’t
But unfortunately, we DO. We are taught to watch our words but do we? Most of us say things we shouldn’t at least once a day. Sometimes it can have severe repercussions.
It was the classic case of sending a text to the wrong person by accident. Not a big deal, it happens to all of us at some point. But what if the text that was sent was about the person who it was accidentally sent to? It wasn’t so negative, but it had connotations that wouldn’t be mistaken as anything else.
I felt really bad and stupid, but I couldn’t take it back.
What is that, you say? Normal friends would understand that people make mistakes, and that some things were intended differently than they sound? But when something is already in a rough place, some things can tip it in the wrong way.
A setback. What will happen now? I don’t know. I guess time will tell. I made a mistake, not by sending the text to the wrong person, but by sending it at all. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and the worst part about it is that as I was sending it I was thinking I shouldn’t be saying this, it’s wrong. But I did it anyway. I guess I learned my lesson.
In contrast, I called the wrong person yesterday. But it was a simple hi sorry wrong number bye. So why the difference? Well for one thing, there was nothing negative about it. And additionally, if a friendship is stable and standing on firm ground it can withstand anything.
This is not just about friendship. This is about taking responsibility for your actions and being able to say, I was wrong. This is about listening to your yetzer tov over your yetzer harah. This is about trusting your instincts when they tell you not to listen to someone and to do the right thing instead. This is about trusting yourself and making the right choice when it seems like everyone else thinks differently.
I hate messy situations. I would think most people do. Sometimes I just want to walk away and not deal with it, even if I’m the one who got myself into it. But one must take responsibility for ones actions.
And so I will stay and try to do the right thing, and possibly save a friendship in the process.
Checking out- I’m going to the country for Shabbos, so I’d like to wish everyone a great one. And please remember in general, and especially in these days right before Tisha Ba’av, to watch your words carefully, and to not say anything that might hurt someone.
It was the classic case of sending a text to the wrong person by accident. Not a big deal, it happens to all of us at some point. But what if the text that was sent was about the person who it was accidentally sent to? It wasn’t so negative, but it had connotations that wouldn’t be mistaken as anything else.
I felt really bad and stupid, but I couldn’t take it back.
What is that, you say? Normal friends would understand that people make mistakes, and that some things were intended differently than they sound? But when something is already in a rough place, some things can tip it in the wrong way.
A setback. What will happen now? I don’t know. I guess time will tell. I made a mistake, not by sending the text to the wrong person, but by sending it at all. I shouldn’t have said what I did, and the worst part about it is that as I was sending it I was thinking I shouldn’t be saying this, it’s wrong. But I did it anyway. I guess I learned my lesson.
In contrast, I called the wrong person yesterday. But it was a simple hi sorry wrong number bye. So why the difference? Well for one thing, there was nothing negative about it. And additionally, if a friendship is stable and standing on firm ground it can withstand anything.
This is not just about friendship. This is about taking responsibility for your actions and being able to say, I was wrong. This is about listening to your yetzer tov over your yetzer harah. This is about trusting your instincts when they tell you not to listen to someone and to do the right thing instead. This is about trusting yourself and making the right choice when it seems like everyone else thinks differently.
I hate messy situations. I would think most people do. Sometimes I just want to walk away and not deal with it, even if I’m the one who got myself into it. But one must take responsibility for ones actions.
And so I will stay and try to do the right thing, and possibly save a friendship in the process.
Checking out- I’m going to the country for Shabbos, so I’d like to wish everyone a great one. And please remember in general, and especially in these days right before Tisha Ba’av, to watch your words carefully, and to not say anything that might hurt someone.
So it seems
Trying to remember all the good times instead of bad.
Trying to stay positive when you make me mad.
Trying to communicate and make you understand.
Trying to keep the peace with all your demands.
When one door closes another opens is what they say,
I have yet to see this happen in my day.
"He said she said", I can't keep up.
Farvust darfstu dreit mir a kup?
Sometimes I can't adequately express in words.
That doesn't mean I don't want to be heard.
The world just swirls and nothing makes sense.
Seem to be always one leg over the fence.
Out the door and gone today.
Here for now but not to stay.
Sweet and rosy, black as night.
It may not seem so but I hate to fight.
Pack my bag and be on my way.
Finally done, now what have you to say?
Trying to stay positive when you make me mad.
Trying to communicate and make you understand.
Trying to keep the peace with all your demands.
When one door closes another opens is what they say,
I have yet to see this happen in my day.
"He said she said", I can't keep up.
Farvust darfstu dreit mir a kup?
Sometimes I can't adequately express in words.
That doesn't mean I don't want to be heard.
The world just swirls and nothing makes sense.
Seem to be always one leg over the fence.
Out the door and gone today.
Here for now but not to stay.
Sweet and rosy, black as night.
It may not seem so but I hate to fight.
Pack my bag and be on my way.
Finally done, now what have you to say?
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Whatever you have- I don't want it
Yes, it is annoying when people shove things in your face as you walk by. I don't want to read it, and whatever it is- I don't want it.
I can't multi-task. My brain does this thing where if there is too much happening at once it goes into overdrive and stops. My buddy in the office said, I thought all girls can multi-task. Well, you thought wrong.
I don't have a lot of patience. I try to, but some days, like today, I have none. People are talking to me and I try to listen, I really do, but sometimes I don't really care what they are saying, and I'm busy, and I have important things to do, more important than watching a 'funny' video of four guys who do stupid stunts and hurt themselves on purpose. I think it's a guy thing to find that funny. I don't laugh at others misfortunes.
And I'm not snobby, I'm really not. So don't stick your face into mine and ask me why I'm ignoring you. Yes, I'm listen to music- I can't hear you.
I had to write an article and the world was spinning. Too many people coming in and out, too many phone calls, too much to do. So I took tylonal, listened to music, and shut the world out. It worked, until they called to tell me my ride was leaving. Day over, thank G-d.
I was told I make very good chocolate milk. Thank you. If you ask me what I did today I can't tell you. I really don't remember.
I was invited to the country for shabbos, for those of you who are familiar with the Catskills and the bungalow colony phenomenon. I'm looking forward to some R&R, along with 7 little kids and a new born. Yay... (that was a weak yay as in, yay can it get any better than this?)
My cell phone month is about to expire. I only have 5 minutes left. Should I refill now, or wait until the month ends on Sunday? That depends how many people call me for no reason from now until then.
Today is just not my day.
I can't multi-task. My brain does this thing where if there is too much happening at once it goes into overdrive and stops. My buddy in the office said, I thought all girls can multi-task. Well, you thought wrong.
I don't have a lot of patience. I try to, but some days, like today, I have none. People are talking to me and I try to listen, I really do, but sometimes I don't really care what they are saying, and I'm busy, and I have important things to do, more important than watching a 'funny' video of four guys who do stupid stunts and hurt themselves on purpose. I think it's a guy thing to find that funny. I don't laugh at others misfortunes.
And I'm not snobby, I'm really not. So don't stick your face into mine and ask me why I'm ignoring you. Yes, I'm listen to music- I can't hear you.
I had to write an article and the world was spinning. Too many people coming in and out, too many phone calls, too much to do. So I took tylonal, listened to music, and shut the world out. It worked, until they called to tell me my ride was leaving. Day over, thank G-d.
I was told I make very good chocolate milk. Thank you. If you ask me what I did today I can't tell you. I really don't remember.
I was invited to the country for shabbos, for those of you who are familiar with the Catskills and the bungalow colony phenomenon. I'm looking forward to some R&R, along with 7 little kids and a new born. Yay... (that was a weak yay as in, yay can it get any better than this?)
My cell phone month is about to expire. I only have 5 minutes left. Should I refill now, or wait until the month ends on Sunday? That depends how many people call me for no reason from now until then.
Today is just not my day.
Poker face
I've started it so many times,
but I've never finished it.
Because I haven't found one person
worth telling the whole thing to.
So I tell you a little.
Maybe you feel privileged that I've shared this with you.
But this is just a fragment, one tiny particle,
of the story of my life.
Maybe I'd tell you all of it.
If you cared to sit and listen awhile.
But then again,
in poker you must keep your cards close to your chest.
And what is life, really,
if not one big game of poker?
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Peace
Like water,
you flow through my fingers,
and run over me like a balm to my soul.
You are like an oasis,
in a dessert,
like a cold drink on a hot sunny day.
Refreshing,
and calming,
with a cooling effect.
You are strong when I am weak,
and funny
when I am morbid.
You are smooth when I am prickly,
and sweet,
when I am bitter.
Your words are reassuring,
you say what I need to hear,
somehow you just know.
You don't flinch
by the things I say,
no matter how upsetting they may be.
You are positive when I am negative,
white when I am black,
day when I am night.
Confident, when I am shaky,
sure when I am doubtful,
and all this with a smile.
You know what it means
to be a friend
and for that I am forever grateful.
you flow through my fingers,
and run over me like a balm to my soul.
You are like an oasis,
in a dessert,
like a cold drink on a hot sunny day.
Refreshing,
and calming,
with a cooling effect.
You are strong when I am weak,
and funny
when I am morbid.
You are smooth when I am prickly,
and sweet,
when I am bitter.
Your words are reassuring,
you say what I need to hear,
somehow you just know.
You don't flinch
by the things I say,
no matter how upsetting they may be.
You are positive when I am negative,
white when I am black,
day when I am night.
Confident, when I am shaky,
sure when I am doubtful,
and all this with a smile.
You know what it means
to be a friend
and for that I am forever grateful.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Panic button
I think everyone should have a panic button in their life. An SOS, a lifeline, a sign, some way to call for help.
For those times when life is a slippery slope and the only direction you can go is down.
For those times when you can't figure yourself out, and everything is not making sense.
For those times when you are so mad you want to hit something.
For those times when you are so depressed you can't move.
For those times when if you were in a car you might crash.
For those times when tears blind you.
For those times when you think that if you would just disappear no one would notice.
For those times when you are so tense you can't sleep.
For those times when you wish you were anywhere but here. And yet there is no escape.
For those times when you just want to get away from yourself, and no matter how far you run- there you are.
For all those times and more, I wish there was a way to say, help me, I'm drowning.
(A picture comes to mind. When my sister was little her class had to do a project for fall, connected to leaves. They had to make a collage, and they were all put on display in the hallway. One girl made a really cute one. It was a whole bunch of leaves, with a hand sticking out, and a talk bubble saying, "help me, I'm drowning!". I thought it was so cute and original.)
And someone would come running. Sometimes you just need an encouraging word, or a hug, or some sort of validation that there are people who care about you, who want you here and would notice if you were gone.
Family is far away. And sometimes family just doesn't cut it. Thank G-d for good friends.
I think if I had a panic button I'd have to be sure not to abuse it. I wouldn't want to become the boy who cried wolf. But for those rare times, those times when you can barely hold it together- it would be nice to know that there is someone on the other end of the line, listening and caring.
And reassuring you that everything will be okay.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Struggle
It is so annoying.
All over the place.
There is so much of it.
I can't stand it.
I like it.
But I hate it.
So many things one can do with it.
But on a hot day I just want to
destroy it.
I want it gone.
So I take a rubber band.
Lift my hands slowly.
So as not to startle it.
I strangle it in one fell swoop.
Tie it tight in a knot.
And put it up high.
It struggles but I won't let it go.
I sit back and relax.
I have won.
And my face is no longer
Surrounded by
All my hair.
All over the place.
There is so much of it.
I can't stand it.
I like it.
But I hate it.
So many things one can do with it.
But on a hot day I just want to
destroy it.
I want it gone.
So I take a rubber band.
Lift my hands slowly.
So as not to startle it.
I strangle it in one fell swoop.
Tie it tight in a knot.
And put it up high.
It struggles but I won't let it go.
I sit back and relax.
I have won.
And my face is no longer
Surrounded by
All my hair.
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