Calm after the storm

Smile. It is raining and the day is dreary but smile. Heart light, too light, like my stomach is filled with air. Maybe because I ran out of cereal and had a weird breakfast of a protein bar and a fruit.

Walking in the rain, no umbrella or sweater. Really, no use.

Early. It is so early but I'm not tired. I don't know why. I feel peaceful, calm. It is the kind of calm you feel after a bout of nerves, when your nervous system depresses and says, I've had enough. It is a false calm brought on by nerves. So am I nervous or am I calm? I don't know. Maybe both.

Nice shirts. And suits. Heels? What's the occasion? Now I feel under dressed. But this day is not about me, is it.

Feels like a normal day, but it's not a normal day. Last time making my rounds, last time repairing a scraped knee, last time answering the phones, last time. Sigh. I will probably return soon enough but it'll be quiet then. What is camp without the campers?

So much to do, so-much-to-do. Breath. Busy busy, way too busy, not gonna finish on time. Too much pressure. What do you want, what do you need, can't you see I'm busy? Yes okay, I'll do that, I'll take care of that, and that and that and that. And cross off things on my list of things to do until it is empty. EMPTY.

The office is so empty, everything packed into boxes. Computer deleted of all files. It is like we were never really there.

Parents calling, confused. Where do we go? Really? We told you already, do you not listen?

Babysitting a blackberry in a car for twenty minutes. Such fun. Missing the performances, the best part. Greeting parents, still doing my job, still in office mode.

Food, but too nervous to eat. It's back again, that bottomless pit in my stomach that anything I eat will fall into a deep hole. And then good bye good bye good bye good bye. When does it end? Still here? I thought I said good bye.

Oh well. Maybe I'll see you again and maybe not. Either way, great meeting you, great experience, hug hug, thanks so much.

The first tears flow but that's okay I have no need to cry, a job's a job. People? Ya it was fun but so what? Car rides in the morning, chit chat in the office and making fun of the campers and staff alike. We were equals. A part of something. Something in common. But it's over. So good bye.

Last car ride home. Smile. It is dark and pouring and the sky is lighting up with lightning. Just smile. That nervous feeling has not gone away. Get in your last stories and jokes because this thing we are a part of, once it is over- we will no longer have anything in common. It will be just you are you and I am I. So good bye.

Have a safe trip, see you around, keep in touch (probably not.) Final salute. A salute. It feels so official. And how do you say good bye without a hug, a handshake? Nothing. It is just good bye.

Final car door slam. That's it. Good bye good bye good bye good bye.

I walk up the block and my stomach feels light and empty. Walking aimless? That's weird, I know where I'm going. But I don't know what comes next.

It is so quiet outside. Like the world is holding its breath. Waiting for something. For what, I don't know.

And it has finally hit me that it's over. It's really over? Ya it's over.

So good bye.