Round-a-bout

Six feet between us, but worlds apart.
Caused a flutter in my heart.
So I said hey good-looking let's go out sometime...
Except I didn't.
Cuz that would be unacceptable in the world we live in.
Where shadchans rule with an iron fist.
You need space between you when you kiss dance
Except we don't dance cuz that would be like, wrong.
So wrong.
Wrong like your kids will be affected if you touch.
So a look is all you get.
Look but don't touch.
And saying hello?
Hel-no.
Never gonna happen.
No first you must find someone to make the call
That starts it all.
So it's like dun dun dun... hello shadchan?
Guess what? I met a cute guy.
So like, can you set us up?
Then they ask you:
So tell me... are you short? Are you tall?
Are you skinny, or fat, or in between?
Or curvy or muscular or any other way to say
Heavy "Beautiful".
Who's your mother?
Who's your father?
No, like who are they?
Are they a somebody?
Are you related to somebody?
No, I mean like, somebody.
Do you have yichus?
Do you have money?
Curly hair or straight?
Oh you wear a ponytail?
Do you work that ponytail?
Do you own that ponytail?
Did you ever get lower than an A on a test?
So like, are you frum?
No, I mean are you frum?
Do you own a tv?
Oh so you do watch movies.
Uhu. Let me just make a note here...
So how do you spell your name?
With a Y, or IE?
Oh your name is NOT Mushky?
Do you like mike n ikes?
So, like, can I have your number?

We do this dance,
Over and over again.
10 phone calls and 7 continents later...
'He's busy'.
'He's not dating right now'.
He 'His mother doesn't feel it's 'shayach'.
He asked all your friends about you....
He checked you out on Facebook...
He hired a secret investigator to find all the dirt on you...
And he's not interested.
He's busy.
Oh, did I say that already?

So, like, hey good-looking.
'How you doin'?'
No, how are you doing?
Are you mentally stable?
Do you have a job?
Are you smart?
Are you funny?
Not funny-looking.
You want to go get a cup of coffee?
You don't drink coffee?
What is wrong with you?
Oh me neither. How weird.
What is wrong with you?
Do you want to get a cup of tea?
How come no one says, 'let's go get a cup of tea'?
Weird, right?
So, um, listen, umm, I was wonderin’, can I have yo numba?
Oh so you don't give out your number?
Oh, so it's like that.
I see.
It's cool.

Well, stranger across the room...
You and I
May never be 'we'.
I would never shake your hand and say 'nice to meet you'
Cuz we would never shake hands chas veshalem 
Because it may not be nice to meet you.
But this whole 'system',
Let's be honest.
It's kind of exhausting.


Hello, Shadchan?
Oh he said YES???
Oh it was SO worth it.

(Said no one ever.)