Loser

It was self-sabotage really,
That dropped me from the race.
Starting with the best of intentions,
Planning to make it to the end
This year.

I feel like a cheater,
After a near-miss,
Carrying on as if
Nothing happened, as if
I was trying my best.

When inside I knew
That I was wasting my time,
That I was a fraud.
And so I missed another night
Intentionally.

And I felt bad,
Seeing the time pass,
Day turning to night,
And knowing that this time
I was really through with counting.

"London Bridge is falling down"
Perpetually, until the end of time,
Always falling, but never being rebuilt.
And when I fall, I can't repair.
I need to destroy.

Start again from scratch.
New beginning, new material,
No rips or tears,
No way to repair.
So build anew.

But what if there was no do-over?
What if you had to live with
Your small mistakes forever after,
Knowing that you went wrong
But unable to fix it?

The irritation build and builds,
Until one day you can't take it anymore.
Tear it to shreds,
Destroy it,
And watch the debris settle around you.

Knowing that perhaps
You will be left with
The broken pieces of Humpty Dumpty,
Unable to put it back together
Ever again.