I just want normal

I have an urge to throw my phone across the room because I don't want to hear you talking anymore. Aggressive? Me? Not usually. I'm just tired. And frustrated. Because I hate this game. And you know it. And yet you force me to participate.

I love that you are trying. Once upon a time you left it upon my shoulders alone, and refused your help. Now, I don't care. It's just a game to me, a cruel game in which I seemingly have many disadvantages, and I am trying to make you understand why I am just so sick of playing.

They may think I am ill, because my hands are shaking, my foot is tapping, and I can't sit still. Nervous energy, they call it. Mostly because you called and left me 3 long messages, and I don't have the time or mental capacity to deal with it right now.

I just want you to understand that what might be okay for you might not be fine for me. What might be 'good enough' for you is not acceptable to me. We are very different. You may not understand me but I am trying my best to explain.

And when I am tired and frustrating, I just stop talking. Because I can't explain myself. Sometimes it is just too hard. 

I just want normal. I want it so badly. Yes, normal has many definitions. Normal is subjective. But please, let me have my own form of normal. Let me define myself, my needs, my desires. Do not tell me what you think is good for me, because as well as you know me, I think I may know myself a little more.

You tell me it's okay. It's okay. You understand. I hope you do. But if not, you decided to respect me and not push it. And I appreciate that.

Because I just want you to understand my definition of normal.