Mr. Rain

There are so many songs about the sun.

"Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me."

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take, my sunshine away."

"The sun will come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there will be sun".

"I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day".

But there are no songs about Mr. Rain. Why not? Does nobody want to sing about the rain? Does no one love the rain, does no one crave dark gray rainy days? Umbrellas and yellow rain slickers and "Wellies".

So I caved. I finally did it.

I bought a pair of rain boots.

They are cute.

They are the most uncomfortable things I ever wore.

They do indeed feel like I am carrying houses on my feet.

I think they cut off all air to my feet. My feet were cold but sweating. They couldn't breath. I had to take them off at work and hope no one saw my legging clad legs under my desk.

And here is the best part- the day I wore them, it was completely dry outside, pretty mild weather, with no rain clouds in sight.

But hey, who wants to wait to wear something new?

I am now the proud owner of pink berry rainboots.

Take that, Mr. Sun. Mr. Rain is in the houuuuusssse.

So put your hands up- UH.

Untitled

How can I talk without speaking?

How can I make you understand without letting you know my thoughts?

Some things I don't ever want to tell anyone.

And some things I wish you would just know without me saying it.

Don't have a good day. Make it a good day.

Penny for your thoughts?

Who's Penny and why does she want my thoughts?

And are my thoughts worth anything? And to who?

Silence is golden.

So which is it?

And how come singing in the shower is so much fun? Late at night when you know no one is listening.

I wonder, sometimes I really wonder what happens to a person when they change. Where does the old you go? Or does it just get incorporated into the new you, like combining two bottles of milk.

All good things must come to an end.

And one day, they just do. Sometimes without warning, and sometimes you saw it coming all along. Maybe you denied it, maybe you ignored it.

But endings are an eventuality, are they not?

Cuz ask yourself, where exactly do you go from here?

Sleep awaits. And I wonder how many more tomorrows there will be. And when one day I will have sunshine on a cloudy day.

And when the sun will come out tomorrow.

Cuz I'm waiting. And I have no patience.

And it's hard to believe in something so intangible.

What if- I have it all wrong?

Let's pretend- I can be a fairy princess with beautiful dresses and you can be whatever you want to be.

Cuz in the world of make-believe anything is possible.

And words- they are just fickle. Cuz your mouth says one thing, but your eyes- they don't mean it.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh- do you hear that?

That is life knocking on my door.

Gotta go. I think I'm gonna ask for a refund. Mine is defective.

Don't. Touch.

Please don't ask me, because I don't want you to know.

Please don't pry, because I don't want you to see.

Understand how I feel when you look where you are not welcome.

I cringe inside, hoping to stave off your questions, your inquiries. I know you won't quite understand, and so I choose not to share with you.

And yet you come looking anyway.

And I don't know why you have a need to know my secrets. I don't know why I have to explain my actions to you.

Some things are not meant to be shared. Some things work better when they are kept to myself.

Please. Respect my privacy.

And when I say don't touch, stay away-

 please listen to me.

(UN)settled

"Some settling of the contents may have occurred during shipment." Maybe it should say "unsettling of the contents". The contents didn't settle, they moved around, were jostled from side to side, top over bottom, around and around until they came to rest on a shelf somewhere in some store in some city.

Teachers like to say "settle down class" when students are being too rowdy or overexcited. They are in essence saying that the state you are in now is not conducive to learning, so let it all out and quiet down so we can learn properly.
 
I always thought routine meant boring. Doing the same thing every day, day in and day out. My father has had pretty much the same schedule for over 10 years. As a child if I ever woke up early I knew he was up. I knew roughly what time he woke up, what time he left for davening, what time he left for work. What he ate for breakfast, what time he got back from work. My father is, in a word, predictable. Boring. But somehow that is so reassuring.

Like a child who is asked in school, what do your parents do and he says, my mother stands by the bus stop all day waiting for me to come home. That is the routine. His mother picks him up from the bus. Every day. The same time. If she missed a day that would be deviating from the routine, which would unsettle the child.

I always wanted more excitement in my life. When I was a child and my friends would go away on family vacations I said why can't that be me. I wanted to be 'cool' and say I went to Israel, or France. I didn't even fly until I was 14. And it was cool. It was different.

If I stayed home during chol hamoade instead of going to amusement parks, or concerts, or hotels I thought what will I tell my friends? I have nothing to show for my vacation, it was so boring.

As a teenager and young adult we somehow get the message that excitement lies just beyond that door. Over there. A little further away. In Cancun, and Barbados, and the Caribbean. You are a 'sophisticated' person if you have traveled the world. The term 'backpacking through Europe' is used in awe. Yes, some people find it exciting to traipse around with nothing but a backpack and rolled up blanket on their backs, with no thought as to where they will sleep that night or how they will get their next meal. Some people enjoy that.

I am taught to enjoy it, but the very thought of it terrifies me. Here I am, 10:00 at night, doing nothing, thinking hmmm maybe I should just call it a night. ME! I never go to sleep before 12. And that is a choice, mainly because of what it represents, specifically the freedom to make my own decisions and that decision is no bed-time. Not a very wise one, but my own rules nonetheless. Power to the people.

I am 21. My whole life is ahead of me but I feel like it hasn't even started yet. There is so much I can do, there is so much I want to do, but I just want to stay at home, in the comfort of my room, and read a book. Watch a good movie. Put on pajamas and make popcorn. Yes, that is what I want to do with my Saturday night.

My friends said, 'let's do something', in that tone that suggests 'well, I want to go somewhere but I don't feel like planning it'. Which left it up to me to take charge. So I did. And the plans fell through. And I can't deal very well when things don't go smoothly. So we ended up in the middle of no where, on a deserted street of warehouses, freaking out that we would be kidnapped and killed, or worse. Yes, we are an optimistic bunch.

And the whole time I was thinking, 'I should have stayed home today'. (Reference to Arnold in Magic School Bus.) The night turned out fine, my friends had fun, it was an experience, but I came home very unsettled. Because as much as I want to be cool and exciting, running from party to party and every major social event of the year, that is not me.

And there you have it. I am boring. I like my comfort zone. I am nervous about trying new things, and meeting new people. I like what is familiar to me. I don't do very well in chaos. I like routine, or a variation of such.

After all is said and done, I want to come home every night to the same house, the same bed, and the same people. My house, my bed, my people.

But that does not exist. Yet.

And so I called my mother, and we talked about this and that, and there was an underlying 'Maaaa... when is it going to happen for me? When will things get better? When will my life start?'

And she of course said what she always does: "Poor Altie, everything will be okay. I went to the ohel and I prayed. For everything and everyone." And there are no prayers quite as loud as my mother's. I told her I'm sure she moved something up there and they are saying, oh boy, it's her again!

So G-d willing good things will happen soon. Not just for me, but for everyone who needs good things to happen, in whatever way it is needed. Hopefully I won't feel so unsettled for too much longer.

People ask me how I am and I answer honestly: "I'm okay, thank G-d. Things are okay."

And that is enough for now.

Withdrawn

It's when
you curl
into
yourself.

When you smile
at the people around you.
But it doesn't quite reach
your eyes.

When you are so cold
under a million blankets.
And nothing can seem to
warm you.

When you are starving
but your stomach is full
of lead.
And you just can't eat.

It's like a fog
where you can't see clearly.
Everything is slightly blurred.
Hazy.

When you want to stay in the shower
curled up under the steam.
Absorbing the warmth.
And never leave.

When you need a hug.
And your own two arms
just can't seem
to hold you.

Dining alone

He made me dinner tonight. I'm not sure what his name is. He didn't remember my name, although I've told him already twice before. I thought he would remember, my name is pretty unique.

It was dark and drizzling out, perfect for my mood. I tried not to project, but some people can't tell either way. It was noisy there, and too bright.

I ordered the same thing I did the last two times. He didn't remember.

It is sort of a defeat, really. It got late, I had no food, I didn't want to starve. There is no food waiting for me on the table. I walk these streets alone, and no one knows if I go hungry.

I drag my feet there and back. I do what I have to. To get by.

The sandwich has cooled. It tastes sad. And lonely.

I light a candle to set the mood.

Dinner for one tonight.

There is no freakin way I'm gonna let you get me down

You tell me I can't do it.
And I laugh in your face.
Because I know I can.
And I will.

You tell me what my chances are.
And you couldn't be more wrong.
Cuz above all
I am strong.

You try to limit me.
Tell me what I can
and cannot do.
Well heres some news for you.

You are not G-d,
and you dont make the rules.
You don't make the plan.
And nothing is up to you.

You don't know what will be.
You dont know where I'll go
from here.
And where I'll end up.

You try to confine me
to certain jobs and and situations.
You tell me I have little options.
But it is funny really.

Absurd actually.
How well you think you know me.
And despite what your limited small minded brain thinks
I have many options.

Nothing you say will get me down.
In fact I should thank you.
Your honesty has caused me to distance myself
from people like you.
And the nonsense you spew.

I will be fine.
And you will be gone.
Cuz you are wrong.
I hope you learn that.

One day I'll laugh.
And that day is today.
Cuz it takes people like you
to make me realize
just how strong I really am.

And to trust myself
above all.

Attack of the strollers!

The sidewalks are clogged with stroller traffic. That is because the area is made up mostly of young families with lots of children.

It is kind of hard to maneuver the streets and I, as a naturally fast walker, find it annoying to be stuck behind someone taking up the sidewalk and walking slowly. It is hard to get around them and I am forced to slow down.

Do you know that funny jig people do when they see someone approaching and they are not sure which side to move to so that the other person can pass by? One person moves right, the other moves to their left. It's like a mirror dance. It can be funny depending on the parties involved. After a few moves from side to side they figure something out and pass by.

I am a very calculated person. I like to be one step ahead of everyone else. When I see someone approaching I am already mapping out in my brain which side they are likely to move to and I make sure to stick to one side. The general rule is walk on the right side.

This works until I see two women with strollers coming towards me. They both fit on the sidewalk but I don't know where to go. I hold my breath because I'm sure they are both about to squash me. Death by a stroller, is the headline tomorrow's paper will read.

And then, they pass by, one on each side of me. They don't touch me, I'm not hurt. I'm alive!

And I go on my merry way.

I hate strollers, they take up so much space and are such a hindrance. Maybe I'll carry all my babies in a sling.

I was once in a really overcrowded frum grocery store on erev shabbos, it was packed with last minute shoppers trying to finish up before shabbos. There were people and shopping carts every, literally no room to walk.

And then in walked a lady with a huge double stroller. I looked at it and said haha no way that thing will fit in here.

Well, I'm not ready for strollers yet. So for now I can give people pitying looks as they shlep their huge stroller here and there, while all I have are keys and a phone.

Travel light, my friends. And if you see a stroller coming- believe me, get out of the way.

Music

Music calms me, keeps me sane, clears my mind of all thought. When I am nervous or tired or stressed or emotional or upset, I just turn on my ipod, or search youtube for my favorite song, and listen to different songs over and over until I am in a better mood.

I like slow melancholy songs, and fast upbeat songs, depending on what my mood calls for. I listen to songs with great lyrics, and really focus on them. Sometimes they really help snap me out of my mood.

When I am moody taking a walk also helps. Fresh air, physical movement, getting out. It helps me get out of myself, out of my mind, and clear things up.

And when all else fails- there is always chocolate :)

New Years Fireworks!!!

Between the lines

It's like an ache deep inside
that doesn't cease.
It's like a hot summer day
with no hint of a breeze.

It's like my heart hurts
but doesn't know what it's looking for.
It's like I'm waiting for you
to show up at my door.

It's like a sea of black hats
but none for me.
It's like my glasses are fogged
and I really can't see.

It's like a perfect smile
that feels like it's gonna crack.
It's like a journey started
where there's no going back.

It's like a fake laugh
and forced meaningless chatter.
It's like duck tape
for a life that's in tatters.

It's like two wholes apart
but not two halfs.
It's like sometimes
I forget how to laugh.

It's like an upward climb
with a pack full of stone.
It's like I'm blind
heading for a future unknown.

It's like a cunning game
that I refuse to play.
It's like I wonder how long
things will remain this way.

It's like a lump in my throat
and an unshed tear.
It's like is there anyone
even out there?

It's like a glass ball
that refuses to speak.
It's like I wonder if I'll ever find
that which I seek.