Tiredness state of mind

There is something rather reluctant about goodbyes. Goodbyes are endings. Endings are lost opportunities. Or new beginnings? I don't like goodbyes. Or endings. There is something sad about the final act. When the show winds down and the curtain is about to close, and you know it is almost over, and then that's it. And then you think, now what? And you freeze in place. You can't go back, but is there really somewhere to move forward to?

I hate the endings of movies. And TV shows. When you are almost at the last episode, and you are not quite sure HOW it is going to end, only that it will, somehow. And you want to prolong it for as long as you can, until you feel ready to say goodbye, and move on. But you feel like you will never be ready. And that is the scariest part.

There is something about admitting feelings to myself, and even more so, to others, that scares the heck out of me. That is another ending. Once it's done, it's done. Either the feelings will be reciprocated, and you will start a new reality, or they won't, and that will be it. The end, Goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I hate endings, you know that already.

There is something so hard about trying. When you are a defeatist, and you give up before you have actually tried. When you prepare yourself for failure, and get ready for disappointment, before you have taken a chance. If you don't try, you will never know. But maybe not knowing is better, if the knowledge will bring with it pain? But then again, what is life without pain? Is there anyone who has gone through life and actually lived, really lived, and not experienced pain? I doubt it.

Folding your arms is a protective gesture. Being on the defense. Guarding your heart before anyone can stomp on it. If you let people in you might get hurt. If you don't, you are sure to get hurt, cuz you will never actually experience life, and love. So which is better? Or worse?

I am so tired. So, so tired. My eyes are hurting. I was driving in the rain thinking, I really shouldn't be driving in the rain when I'm this tired. But I did anyway. And I love the rain. It is so pure and fresh. It washes everything away, and makes it feel like new. It calms, and it sympathizes, and it soothes. It is my friend. I like the rain.

Right now I don't want to feel. I want to go to sleep and forget about things until tomorrow. Then maybe I will think about it. Or not. We shall see.

It is almost the end. Not that big an ending, but still. I hate endings, big or small. They make me sad.

Gnite world. It'll all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. Here's to good endings, and even better beginnings.