My head feels so light,
as air.
Am I going to faint?
I have never fainted in my life.
I think.
Breathing fast and shallow.
Is there no blood in my head?
Or too much?
I have no idea.
Did I eat anything today?
I can't remember.
I finally understand the term
'eyes bugging out of your head'.
They feel like they might pop out.
Shuffeling here
there
and everywhere.
Confusion.
Talking, talking talking,
So many words.
Too much information.
I put my head down.
No I'm not an idiot.
Just trying to breath.
Overwhelming.
I pretend I know what is going on.
But I feel like I am floating.
My head feels like it is suffocating.
Light headed.
Headed towards the light?
Everything is far too bright.
Please can I just close my eyes....
Leaning against the wall
trying not to fall.
Want to sit down on the floor.
Did I eat anything today?
And all of this is just too much.
Too much.
Wrong bus,
totally lost,
strange neighborhood.
Weird people,
too many sounds,
too many sites.
Coming home,
wrung out dry.
Drained of energy.
Thinking that,
maybe
I made a big mistake.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sweet sweet pain
I am in pain. Please ignore my groans. Please don't look at my face because I can't hide it very well.
It hurts so very much. It hurts when I sit down, and then it hurts again when I stand up. It hurts when I walk up steps but it hurts even more when I walk down them.
I go to sleep at night and I forget the pain. And then I get up in the morning and it is there to greet me, sharply. It never quite goes away.
I thought it would fade, but instead it got steadily worse. They didn't warn me. They didn't tell me that it would feel like someone took a baseball bat and beat me with it. They didn't tell me that I would feel broken for days afterwards.
They say that if you fall off the horse you need to get back on again. And I fully intended to. They say it gets easier with time.
But then I was busy. Then I fasted. Then I was weak after the fast. The pain is still here, ever-present, and I just can't bring myself to....
The sweet sweet evil pain of a first work-out. Oh how I hate thee so.
It hurts so very much. It hurts when I sit down, and then it hurts again when I stand up. It hurts when I walk up steps but it hurts even more when I walk down them.
I go to sleep at night and I forget the pain. And then I get up in the morning and it is there to greet me, sharply. It never quite goes away.
I thought it would fade, but instead it got steadily worse. They didn't warn me. They didn't tell me that it would feel like someone took a baseball bat and beat me with it. They didn't tell me that I would feel broken for days afterwards.
They say that if you fall off the horse you need to get back on again. And I fully intended to. They say it gets easier with time.
But then I was busy. Then I fasted. Then I was weak after the fast. The pain is still here, ever-present, and I just can't bring myself to....
The sweet sweet evil pain of a first work-out. Oh how I hate thee so.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Black and white
They say there's such a thing called gray area, where the lines begin to blur; that not everything in life is black and white.
But that's how I see it, with stark clarity. Right and wrong. Yes and no. Day and night.
They say there are exceptions to every rule.
But my rule has no exception, for a very good reason.
They say I am naive, that I just don't get it. That I don't understand where other people are coming from, that I don't know the whole situation, that I can't see the full picture, so I can't judge.
I try so very hard not to judge. I really do.
They say you can't judge someone until you are in his shoes. Which is impossible since no two people will ever go through the exact same situation.
I did some time in the gray area, against my better judgement and all my core beliefs. It is a nice warm fuzzy place. A place of denial. It is a place that calls to you softly. Come, stay with me, it is okay, everything is fine here.
My brain is flashing warning signs, 'abort, abort! Get out as fast as you can!'. But the gray area blinds me to that.
It is like walking around without glasses. Everything is blurry and indistinguishable. I can't read the signs clearly, I must squint in order to see.
The longer you spend in the gray area the more you get sucked in. Suddenly black and white don't exist. They do, but they are so far away you can't see them anymore.
It is like falling into the snow. At first you are bitterly cold and you prompt yourself to stay awake. But suddenly you start to feel so warm, so very warm.... And sleep takes over you and you begin to lose consciousness.
THAT is the gray area.
But I am much stronger than that, as I've always known I am. My eyes were dry as I turned around and left. I shed not a single tear. It's over.
Clarity. It is the sane state of mind. It is when you are on the white side. Everything makes sense. The black side is right there, so close across the expanse. But you would never dare to cross that line.
They say there are many gray areas in life. I agree. But the gray is not reality, it is merely an illusion. It is the tide coming in and washing away the sand. It is the paint mixing to form a new color. A drab dull color with no name. It is a state of mind, as it does not really exist.
And it is a dangerous dangerous place.
Call me whatever you want, but I will take my black and white any day, over the gray which lures you in and makes no sense at all.
Why we still mourn after 2,000 years
I am writing this in my post-fast semi-comatose state, stomach full and sated. It was a pretty draining day of fasting and reflection. I sat on the floor for most of the night reading about the history of the 9th day of Av, the destruction of both of the temples and all the sorrowful things that occurred on that day. We have a pretty dismal history.
I tried to answer a question that I posed to myself: how am I supposed to feel about this day? Am I supposed to make myself physically sad? Am I supposed to force myself to watch sad and boring documentaries about the holocaust and try to feel something? Is there something wrong with me if I let this day pass without having thought about it at all?
So I read. I read the sad history, I read how the Jews disregarded the words of the holy prophets time and time again, about how they sinned, how they fell right into the waiting arms of the enemy. It hurt me. It made me mad. Why could they not have just listened? Why couldn't they have been good people? Do the right thing, keep the Bais Hamikdash, don't go into exile. They started a downward spiral which has lasted some 2,000 years and still goes on today. It directly affects me. But how?
There is a famous story told about Napoleon Bonaparte. He was walking in the streets of Paris when he heard wailing and the sounds of people lamenting, coming from a synagogue. He turned to the person he was with and asked, "Why are they crying?"
The other answered, "They're mourning over the destruction of their Temple."
"When was it destroyed?"
"Almost two thousand years ago."
Napoleon then declared, "A nation still mourning after so long will be eternal. They will return to their land and rebuild their Temple."
Excerpt from an article on Chabad.org.
We know the story of Yakov and how he mourned the death of Yosef for 22 years. He couldn't forget, he couldn't move on, because he wasn't mourning a loss. He was mourning something that was missing. For someone who has lost a child to death, it is easier to move on than a parent who has no idea what fate befell their child. That is true pain, to never really know.
I would love to say that "I believe with perfect faith in the coming of Moshiach every day". I wish. I hope. I pray. I ask. I cajole. I wonder. I think about it every day, I say the words every day, "Please G-d send us Mosiach now". I try to believe every day that he is coming. But it is so hard. It doesn't feel real. Our sad Galis existence feels like reality. This is all I've ever known.
We know that Hashem is compared to our groom and we are the bride. We made a mistake. We sinned. We 'cheated' on Hashem. We left him. And yet He has never left us. He waits for us with open arms ready to accept us again with all our faults and sins.
Our love for Hashem and His for us is unconditional love. There is no reason for it. It just is. We are way past the point of 'show us what you can do for us and we will love you.'
It makes no sense. We as a nation went through so much suffering. We were in galus way longer than we were not. Do we hate Hashem? Have we abandoned him? From the dephs of hell do we cry out, "G-d, why have you forsaken us??". From the burning fires and the gas chambers came the crys of 'Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad'. Because we have not forgotten and never will.
The Baal Shem tov tells a story of a father who hid from his child because he wanted the child to look for him. The child finally gave up and started crying because he couldn't find his father. An old man passing by told the child, do not cry, your father is right there behind the curtain. He is hiding because he wants you to find him. He wants you to look for him. Do not give up.
We are told that Hashem is hiding because He wants us to find Him. He wants us to make a place for Him in our hearts; in our homes. He wants us to think about Him every day and never give up hope until the final redemption.
It hurts so much. It is so frustrating. It will never get easier. We will never wake up one day and be happy that we are in Galus and we cannot even fathom what it was like to go to the Bais Hamikdash and feel Hashem's presence so close and tangible.
How can we feel such conviction and faith for Hashem and Moshiach one second and the next second we are sinning in the worst possible way?
Galus is explained away as a dream. None of this is reality. In a dream many crazy things can happen. People and places and time period mesh together to form one kaleidoscope of events that have nothing to do with each other and make no sense at all. When it becomes too much or too scary we wake ourselves up. I once woke up in middle of the night gasping for breath, having no idea what woke me up.
We are in Galus. We need to wake ourselves up. We must understand that although our circumstances right now seem okay and normal and we are not suffering and we don't feel Galus tangibly- this is not it. This is not what we were brought here for. The very fact that we think we are okay shows how very much we are lacking.
Can we explain our belief? Can we explain why we love, why we still hope and pray after 2,000 years? Can we explain this seeming craziness to an outsider? They don't get it. It looks like G-d abandoned us and we continue to pray.
But we know that He never really left. And no, maybe we cannot explain it, to anyone or even to ourselves. But we know it and we feel it.
And we pray with all our hearts and souls that this Tisha Ba'av will have been our very last in Galus, and that this dream will finally be over.
I tried to answer a question that I posed to myself: how am I supposed to feel about this day? Am I supposed to make myself physically sad? Am I supposed to force myself to watch sad and boring documentaries about the holocaust and try to feel something? Is there something wrong with me if I let this day pass without having thought about it at all?
So I read. I read the sad history, I read how the Jews disregarded the words of the holy prophets time and time again, about how they sinned, how they fell right into the waiting arms of the enemy. It hurt me. It made me mad. Why could they not have just listened? Why couldn't they have been good people? Do the right thing, keep the Bais Hamikdash, don't go into exile. They started a downward spiral which has lasted some 2,000 years and still goes on today. It directly affects me. But how?
There is a famous story told about Napoleon Bonaparte. He was walking in the streets of Paris when he heard wailing and the sounds of people lamenting, coming from a synagogue. He turned to the person he was with and asked, "Why are they crying?"
The other answered, "They're mourning over the destruction of their Temple."
"When was it destroyed?"
"Almost two thousand years ago."
Napoleon then declared, "A nation still mourning after so long will be eternal. They will return to their land and rebuild their Temple."
Excerpt from an article on Chabad.org.
We know the story of Yakov and how he mourned the death of Yosef for 22 years. He couldn't forget, he couldn't move on, because he wasn't mourning a loss. He was mourning something that was missing. For someone who has lost a child to death, it is easier to move on than a parent who has no idea what fate befell their child. That is true pain, to never really know.
I would love to say that "I believe with perfect faith in the coming of Moshiach every day". I wish. I hope. I pray. I ask. I cajole. I wonder. I think about it every day, I say the words every day, "Please G-d send us Mosiach now". I try to believe every day that he is coming. But it is so hard. It doesn't feel real. Our sad Galis existence feels like reality. This is all I've ever known.
We know that Hashem is compared to our groom and we are the bride. We made a mistake. We sinned. We 'cheated' on Hashem. We left him. And yet He has never left us. He waits for us with open arms ready to accept us again with all our faults and sins.
Our love for Hashem and His for us is unconditional love. There is no reason for it. It just is. We are way past the point of 'show us what you can do for us and we will love you.'
It makes no sense. We as a nation went through so much suffering. We were in galus way longer than we were not. Do we hate Hashem? Have we abandoned him? From the dephs of hell do we cry out, "G-d, why have you forsaken us??". From the burning fires and the gas chambers came the crys of 'Shema Yisroel Hashem Elokeinu Hashem Echad'. Because we have not forgotten and never will.
The Baal Shem tov tells a story of a father who hid from his child because he wanted the child to look for him. The child finally gave up and started crying because he couldn't find his father. An old man passing by told the child, do not cry, your father is right there behind the curtain. He is hiding because he wants you to find him. He wants you to look for him. Do not give up.
We are told that Hashem is hiding because He wants us to find Him. He wants us to make a place for Him in our hearts; in our homes. He wants us to think about Him every day and never give up hope until the final redemption.
It hurts so much. It is so frustrating. It will never get easier. We will never wake up one day and be happy that we are in Galus and we cannot even fathom what it was like to go to the Bais Hamikdash and feel Hashem's presence so close and tangible.
How can we feel such conviction and faith for Hashem and Moshiach one second and the next second we are sinning in the worst possible way?
Galus is explained away as a dream. None of this is reality. In a dream many crazy things can happen. People and places and time period mesh together to form one kaleidoscope of events that have nothing to do with each other and make no sense at all. When it becomes too much or too scary we wake ourselves up. I once woke up in middle of the night gasping for breath, having no idea what woke me up.
We are in Galus. We need to wake ourselves up. We must understand that although our circumstances right now seem okay and normal and we are not suffering and we don't feel Galus tangibly- this is not it. This is not what we were brought here for. The very fact that we think we are okay shows how very much we are lacking.
Can we explain our belief? Can we explain why we love, why we still hope and pray after 2,000 years? Can we explain this seeming craziness to an outsider? They don't get it. It looks like G-d abandoned us and we continue to pray.
But we know that He never really left. And no, maybe we cannot explain it, to anyone or even to ourselves. But we know it and we feel it.
And we pray with all our hearts and souls that this Tisha Ba'av will have been our very last in Galus, and that this dream will finally be over.
Friday, July 27, 2012
The way you look tonight
There is no smile brighter,
no eyes that sparkle more
than you
and the way you look tonight.
My face is cracking
from smiling so much
I want to scream
the good news to the world.
There are not enough exclamation marks
to show how I'm feeling.
Not enough emoticons.
To express my emotions.
Words are not enough.
So I hug you tightly,
so tight
like only you know how to hug.
And I wish you so many things,
all the wonderful things
in the world.
An abundance of blessings and more.
"Yes, you're lovely with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight"
Mazal tov to you,
my dear friend.
Hold on to tonight,
and the rest shall follow.
All my love.
no eyes that sparkle more
than you
and the way you look tonight.
My face is cracking
from smiling so much
I want to scream
the good news to the world.
There are not enough exclamation marks
to show how I'm feeling.
Not enough emoticons.
To express my emotions.
Words are not enough.
So I hug you tightly,
so tight
like only you know how to hug.
And I wish you so many things,
all the wonderful things
in the world.
An abundance of blessings and more.
"Yes, you're lovely with your smile so warm
And your cheeks so soft
There is nothing for me but to love you
And the way you look tonight"
Mazal tov to you,
my dear friend.
Hold on to tonight,
and the rest shall follow.
All my love.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
The man who wouldn't take no for an answer
I hate when people shove things in my face. Especially when I'm walking. I walk fast. I don't want to stop to read what you are handing out, to hear what you have to say, to sign your petition. I don't sign petitions. Most of them don't interest me.
I take the same route to work and back every day. Every day when I get to the top of the subway steps there is a guy standing there handing out circulars advertising sales at a nearby store. I don't know what they are selling. I don't know what store it's for. Whatever it is, I'm not interested and I don't want it.
I would just walk by quickly, say no thank you with a smile. But he just kept trying to hand it to me day after day. So I thought about it for a second. I assume he gets paid for this. Maybe a meager allowance, but why else would he stand out in the heat handing out pieces of paper. So if this is his job, maybe he needs to hand out all the circulars in order to go home. Maybe he doesn't care if you are taking them or buying from them, he just wants to get rid of it.
Yesterday, I got to the top of the stairs. He stretched out his arm wide, I didn't dodge it this time. I took the circular with a big smile on my face, said thank you and have a nice day and walked away. I got to the corner, folded it up neatly and threw it in the garbage. I never bothered to look at it.
I don't want what you are selling. I don't need it. I am not interested. But maybe, just maybe, I did that guy a favor. Maybe he can go home a few minutes earlier today having finished his job for the day.
I'd like to think I made a difference, otherwise that was a waste of paper.
I take the same route to work and back every day. Every day when I get to the top of the subway steps there is a guy standing there handing out circulars advertising sales at a nearby store. I don't know what they are selling. I don't know what store it's for. Whatever it is, I'm not interested and I don't want it.
I would just walk by quickly, say no thank you with a smile. But he just kept trying to hand it to me day after day. So I thought about it for a second. I assume he gets paid for this. Maybe a meager allowance, but why else would he stand out in the heat handing out pieces of paper. So if this is his job, maybe he needs to hand out all the circulars in order to go home. Maybe he doesn't care if you are taking them or buying from them, he just wants to get rid of it.
Yesterday, I got to the top of the stairs. He stretched out his arm wide, I didn't dodge it this time. I took the circular with a big smile on my face, said thank you and have a nice day and walked away. I got to the corner, folded it up neatly and threw it in the garbage. I never bothered to look at it.
I don't want what you are selling. I don't need it. I am not interested. But maybe, just maybe, I did that guy a favor. Maybe he can go home a few minutes earlier today having finished his job for the day.
I'd like to think I made a difference, otherwise that was a waste of paper.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
The trouble with boys
Boys are why's,
they're ifs and they're maybes
They think they are so big
But they're just big babies
Boys, the trouble with
Boys, the troubles with, boys
They're nothing but trouble
They'll make you think
they've got a halo above them
But boys are trouble
Trouble is all of them
Contrary to the title, this is not a boy-bashing post. I have nothing much to say in that area at the moment. I just like the lyrics. And boys are okay for the most part. Some of them. I will not generalize.
I just put up a gorgeous picture of me and my niece on Facebook (credits to my father.) I got lots of 'likes' and comments. It got me thinking.
As a general rule, girls are known to be more maternal. Here are some generalizations:
Girls babysit.
Girls play with dolls.
Girls are good with kids.
Mother's raise the kids.
Yes, these are generalizations. Some females are horrible with kids, can't stand them, don't want anything to do with them. Being a female doesn't mean you automatically know how to change a diaper or make a baby stop crying.
But how many teenage boys do you know who babysit for pocket money? Take care of their younger siblings, their nieces and nephews? I'm not saying it's not done. It just seems less common.
And yes, I know boys play with dolls, it helps them develop a sensitive side. And of course fathers have a big part in raising the kids.
I am not going along with the stereotype. I'm just saying it exists.
There's a 'Friends' episode where Joey and Chandler take care of Ross's son Ben. One of them carries the baby on his chest in a baby carrier. Tons of women come over to them to coo at the baby. People say babies are 'chick magnets'.
I want to know why. A female can take her younger siblings to the park or babysit her niece and it is accepted and normal. But a guy takes care of his little brother suddenly it's so 'awwww that's so cute, he must be such a sensitive guy'.
Is there such a concept of a male nanny? Yes, but much less so than females. It is not merely a stereotype, it is pretty much nature.
But why do guys get so much attention, while girls get nothing for something that comes naturally to them?
they're ifs and they're maybes
They think they are so big
But they're just big babies
Boys, the trouble with
Boys, the troubles with, boys
They're nothing but trouble
They'll make you think
they've got a halo above them
But boys are trouble
Trouble is all of them
Contrary to the title, this is not a boy-bashing post. I have nothing much to say in that area at the moment. I just like the lyrics. And boys are okay for the most part. Some of them. I will not generalize.
I just put up a gorgeous picture of me and my niece on Facebook (credits to my father.) I got lots of 'likes' and comments. It got me thinking.
As a general rule, girls are known to be more maternal. Here are some generalizations:
Girls babysit.
Girls play with dolls.
Girls are good with kids.
Mother's raise the kids.
Yes, these are generalizations. Some females are horrible with kids, can't stand them, don't want anything to do with them. Being a female doesn't mean you automatically know how to change a diaper or make a baby stop crying.
But how many teenage boys do you know who babysit for pocket money? Take care of their younger siblings, their nieces and nephews? I'm not saying it's not done. It just seems less common.
And yes, I know boys play with dolls, it helps them develop a sensitive side. And of course fathers have a big part in raising the kids.
I am not going along with the stereotype. I'm just saying it exists.
There's a 'Friends' episode where Joey and Chandler take care of Ross's son Ben. One of them carries the baby on his chest in a baby carrier. Tons of women come over to them to coo at the baby. People say babies are 'chick magnets'.
I want to know why. A female can take her younger siblings to the park or babysit her niece and it is accepted and normal. But a guy takes care of his little brother suddenly it's so 'awwww that's so cute, he must be such a sensitive guy'.
Is there such a concept of a male nanny? Yes, but much less so than females. It is not merely a stereotype, it is pretty much nature.
But why do guys get so much attention, while girls get nothing for something that comes naturally to them?
How much can you take
"Feeling the Burn: 21 People Singe Feet During Hot Coal Walk at Motivational Event"
Pretty catchy title. Would you walk on coals? Have you ever tested your limits? Do you know how much you can endure?
Strength is always something I've admired in people. Someone who won't give up. Someone who won't let weakness or defeat overcome them.
It is a daily challenge. We are presented with so many scenarios throughout our day that test our strength. Maybe we are not under the threat of death or expulsion. Maybe we do not have a fear of going hungry or finding a place to sleep tonight. But every little decision that you have to make requires strength.
I never understood why people complain so much about fast days. In the days of old, great Tzadikim used to fast 2 days a week. We can't go a mere 15 hours without food? Are we that weak?
What about Pesach. I roll my eyes every time I see an ad for 'Kosher le'Pesach pizza bagels!" or 'Kosher lepesach ketchup'! How is it that people cannot go 8 days without the foods they normally eat? Do you not know how to adapt? Can you not recognize the change and separation and deal with it as such?
Yes, the 9 days are hard. They are supposed to be hard. I keep forgetting the whole shower ritual, cold water, washing one limb at a time. I sleep with one less pillow on Tishu Ba'av. But is everything really a cause for complaint?
I was struck by a thought- this is what a mourner goes through, and thank G-d I have not and G-d willing will never know from such things. I don't know how to mourn. I am so used to my every day normal schedule that I need to brush up on the laws. Can we clip our nails? Is it better to buy new clothes or wash if you run out?
Do you need motivation in your life? Do you need to walk on hot coals to prove to yourself that you have inner strength? Maybe the real problem is that we are just lazy. Maybe we look for excuses to complain.
Stop complaining. Why do we need 'sefira' music during this time? Why can't people refrain from music altogether? What is with Jews and finding a substitute for everything they can't have? Is there no such concept of going without? Of adapting?
Try finding your inner strength. Fuel it. Make do with less. I'm sure you'll surprise yourself.
Pretty catchy title. Would you walk on coals? Have you ever tested your limits? Do you know how much you can endure?
Strength is always something I've admired in people. Someone who won't give up. Someone who won't let weakness or defeat overcome them.
It is a daily challenge. We are presented with so many scenarios throughout our day that test our strength. Maybe we are not under the threat of death or expulsion. Maybe we do not have a fear of going hungry or finding a place to sleep tonight. But every little decision that you have to make requires strength.
I never understood why people complain so much about fast days. In the days of old, great Tzadikim used to fast 2 days a week. We can't go a mere 15 hours without food? Are we that weak?
What about Pesach. I roll my eyes every time I see an ad for 'Kosher le'Pesach pizza bagels!" or 'Kosher lepesach ketchup'! How is it that people cannot go 8 days without the foods they normally eat? Do you not know how to adapt? Can you not recognize the change and separation and deal with it as such?
Yes, the 9 days are hard. They are supposed to be hard. I keep forgetting the whole shower ritual, cold water, washing one limb at a time. I sleep with one less pillow on Tishu Ba'av. But is everything really a cause for complaint?
I was struck by a thought- this is what a mourner goes through, and thank G-d I have not and G-d willing will never know from such things. I don't know how to mourn. I am so used to my every day normal schedule that I need to brush up on the laws. Can we clip our nails? Is it better to buy new clothes or wash if you run out?
Do you need motivation in your life? Do you need to walk on hot coals to prove to yourself that you have inner strength? Maybe the real problem is that we are just lazy. Maybe we look for excuses to complain.
Stop complaining. Why do we need 'sefira' music during this time? Why can't people refrain from music altogether? What is with Jews and finding a substitute for everything they can't have? Is there no such concept of going without? Of adapting?
Try finding your inner strength. Fuel it. Make do with less. I'm sure you'll surprise yourself.
Monday, July 23, 2012
6 Months!
Today is my 6-month 'workaversary'. It is basically the longest time I have had a 'real' job. Summer does not feel like summer. To me it seems like summer is 3/4 of the way over and I am sitting here, working. All day. Every day. (Besides Sunday.)
But I am so proud of myself. One reason I could not see myself going on shlichus for a year, (helping out at a Chabad house with programs or teaching in a pre-school) is because I have a problem with commitment. I cannot fathom agreeing to a job for a whole year. What if it turns out horrible? What if I hate it there? What if I don't get along with my boss or my co-workers? Then I am basically stuck there for a year because of a contract.
But this job, I kind of just eased into it. In my mind, it is temporary, until I figure out what I really want to do with my life and move away from here. That is the plan.
But for now, I like my job. I'm good at it. I like my boss, I like my co-workers, I look forward to going to work and I never thought I ever would. Yes, sometimes I come home tired and stressed with a headache and annoyed at all the idiots I had to deal with that day. Yes, sometimes I deal with nasty people. But sometimes I deal with pleasant people who are so grateful for the 2 second conversation I had with them, claiming I was "pleasant and helpful" to deal with.
And I can't help feeling accomplished when I turn off my computer at the end of the day, everything I had to do completed, clear off my desk, push in my chair, and walk out the door.
This job may not be forever, it may be a for-now-till-something-better-comes-along job. But it is helping me in the long run to integrate into the real world, and to learn valuable skills that I can take with me wherever I go.
So now for the most important question: time to ask for a raise?
But I am so proud of myself. One reason I could not see myself going on shlichus for a year, (helping out at a Chabad house with programs or teaching in a pre-school) is because I have a problem with commitment. I cannot fathom agreeing to a job for a whole year. What if it turns out horrible? What if I hate it there? What if I don't get along with my boss or my co-workers? Then I am basically stuck there for a year because of a contract.
But this job, I kind of just eased into it. In my mind, it is temporary, until I figure out what I really want to do with my life and move away from here. That is the plan.
But for now, I like my job. I'm good at it. I like my boss, I like my co-workers, I look forward to going to work and I never thought I ever would. Yes, sometimes I come home tired and stressed with a headache and annoyed at all the idiots I had to deal with that day. Yes, sometimes I deal with nasty people. But sometimes I deal with pleasant people who are so grateful for the 2 second conversation I had with them, claiming I was "pleasant and helpful" to deal with.
And I can't help feeling accomplished when I turn off my computer at the end of the day, everything I had to do completed, clear off my desk, push in my chair, and walk out the door.
This job may not be forever, it may be a for-now-till-something-better-comes-along job. But it is helping me in the long run to integrate into the real world, and to learn valuable skills that I can take with me wherever I go.
So now for the most important question: time to ask for a raise?
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I feel so close to you right now
"I feel so close to you right now
It's a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surround me like a waterfall
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now"
People come into your life all the time. They come and go, really. One minute they are there, professing their love to you, and the next they are gone, like they never existed, everything they ever said disappeared into oblivion. What we do is wait for the day when it'll stick. When we find The One who won't leave. When they will really and truly mean what they say. And stay.
People interact in different ways. No one knows what makes two peope click. Yes, people like people with whom they have things in common. You want to meet someone who has the same goals and outlooks on life as you do. Who knows why, really. G-d told us to mate, so we do. We find the one who we can stand to spend the rest of eternity with and we pledge to always be faithful, to never break our vows, 'till death do us part'. But what if something shall part you sooner?
Can 'you' and 'I' ever really truly be one? Can two people who are different in many ways spend a lifetime together and find true happiness in each other, to the exclusivity of everyone else?
"I feel so close to you right now". Who knows what will be tomorrow.
Right now, my book, my pizza, my goals, myself, me, I matter to me. Regardless of anyone else. People matter to a certain extent.
And then, they just don't anymore. If they are no longer worth it, remember that you are always worth it, to yourself. Forget everyone else. They come and go. They don't stay. They don't stay....
But I am always here. Still standing.
It's a force field
I wear my heart upon my sleeve, like a big deal
Your love pours down on me, surround me like a waterfall
And there's no stopping us right now
I feel so close to you right now"
People come into your life all the time. They come and go, really. One minute they are there, professing their love to you, and the next they are gone, like they never existed, everything they ever said disappeared into oblivion. What we do is wait for the day when it'll stick. When we find The One who won't leave. When they will really and truly mean what they say. And stay.
People interact in different ways. No one knows what makes two peope click. Yes, people like people with whom they have things in common. You want to meet someone who has the same goals and outlooks on life as you do. Who knows why, really. G-d told us to mate, so we do. We find the one who we can stand to spend the rest of eternity with and we pledge to always be faithful, to never break our vows, 'till death do us part'. But what if something shall part you sooner?
Can 'you' and 'I' ever really truly be one? Can two people who are different in many ways spend a lifetime together and find true happiness in each other, to the exclusivity of everyone else?
"I feel so close to you right now". Who knows what will be tomorrow.
Right now, my book, my pizza, my goals, myself, me, I matter to me. Regardless of anyone else. People matter to a certain extent.
And then, they just don't anymore. If they are no longer worth it, remember that you are always worth it, to yourself. Forget everyone else. They come and go. They don't stay. They don't stay....
But I am always here. Still standing.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Everyone has their crazies
Some people hate the dancers, some people despise the panhandlers, most people can't stand the homeless men. Everyone has a pet peeve about the subways. Mine is the Jesus preachers.
I'd just like to ride to work in moderate peace and quiet. On she comes. She says good morning to everyone. In New York you know that's a bad sign. She sounds nice. Polite. Friendly. And then she starts preaching.
About Jesus being the son of G-d. About 'the savior'. About how we as a people sin, and we must save ourselves. I try not to listen. I tune her out.
I don't care what she is saying. I am not worried that these words will creep into my soul and turn me away from G-d, G-d forbid. Honestly, the words mean nothing to me at all.
But it is a disruption. What about the lady who sounds maniacal. Hew voice rising and falling repetitiously. She sounds possessed. Or the lady who sings about Jesus on the subway. The same song. I've heard her on Subways and buses. I think it's the same lady.
You want to preach, do it in church. I know lehavdil elef havdalos we have the concept of mivtzoyim, teaching Jews about Judaism, and non-Jews about the 7 Noahide laws. And yes, we have our crazies too. (I will not get into that. No point in airing our dirty laundry.)
I don't go into your church and preach to you. Please don't disturb my public space and my right to not hear your rants.
Lady, it is too early in the morning for Jesus.
I'd just like to ride to work in moderate peace and quiet. On she comes. She says good morning to everyone. In New York you know that's a bad sign. She sounds nice. Polite. Friendly. And then she starts preaching.
About Jesus being the son of G-d. About 'the savior'. About how we as a people sin, and we must save ourselves. I try not to listen. I tune her out.
I don't care what she is saying. I am not worried that these words will creep into my soul and turn me away from G-d, G-d forbid. Honestly, the words mean nothing to me at all.
But it is a disruption. What about the lady who sounds maniacal. Hew voice rising and falling repetitiously. She sounds possessed. Or the lady who sings about Jesus on the subway. The same song. I've heard her on Subways and buses. I think it's the same lady.
You want to preach, do it in church. I know lehavdil elef havdalos we have the concept of mivtzoyim, teaching Jews about Judaism, and non-Jews about the 7 Noahide laws. And yes, we have our crazies too. (I will not get into that. No point in airing our dirty laundry.)
I don't go into your church and preach to you. Please don't disturb my public space and my right to not hear your rants.
Lady, it is too early in the morning for Jesus.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Hazzzze
Please,
hold me together when I fall apart.
Please,
keep me sane when I go crazy.
Please,
be my boundaries when I lack control.
Please,
be my rules when I have none.
Be my morals. Be my self-control. Be my planner. Be my brain.
Be.
My.
Everything.
Be my parents. My friend. The stranger on the train who listens to me blubbering.
Be my comfort. My hug. The one who shakes me and slaps me when I need a jolt.
Be what I cannot always be for myself.
But that is crazy, really. Because only I can ever really be for me.
So I pull myself together, (voice in head: Altie! Pull it together) even though all I want to do is fall apart. But no one seems to care. No one but me.
I buy sushi and I eat. And I think. And I make a list of everything I need to do.
And I realize that, although I am nervous and stressed:
I did not break down.
I did not cry.
I did not quit or run away.
Because when there's so much to do, and no one to do it for me, I really have no choice but to do it myself.
There's always a choice. But I choose sane, sane, sane.
And I get an A for effort.
hold me together when I fall apart.
Please,
keep me sane when I go crazy.
Please,
be my boundaries when I lack control.
Please,
be my rules when I have none.
Be my morals. Be my self-control. Be my planner. Be my brain.
Be.
My.
Everything.
Be my parents. My friend. The stranger on the train who listens to me blubbering.
Be my comfort. My hug. The one who shakes me and slaps me when I need a jolt.
Be what I cannot always be for myself.
But that is crazy, really. Because only I can ever really be for me.
So I pull myself together, (voice in head: Altie! Pull it together) even though all I want to do is fall apart. But no one seems to care. No one but me.
I buy sushi and I eat. And I think. And I make a list of everything I need to do.
And I realize that, although I am nervous and stressed:
I did not break down.
I did not cry.
I did not quit or run away.
Because when there's so much to do, and no one to do it for me, I really have no choice but to do it myself.
There's always a choice. But I choose sane, sane, sane.
And I get an A for effort.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Every day a small battle. Every day a victory.
Seems like
everything is
finally
falling into place.
Now I
look at them
haughtily
THEY are the newcomers.
Like a puzzle
the pieces
fit
perfectly together.
I am proud
and content
by what
I accomplished.
Then why
does my heart
thud
constantly?
Why does that
trickle of
fear
linger still?
And that bead of sweat
rolls steadily
down
my forehead.
Because problems
come easily.
And triumph-
I work at.
Every day.
everything is
finally
falling into place.
Now I
look at them
haughtily
THEY are the newcomers.
Like a puzzle
the pieces
fit
perfectly together.
I am proud
and content
by what
I accomplished.
Then why
does my heart
thud
constantly?
Why does that
trickle of
fear
linger still?
And that bead of sweat
rolls steadily
down
my forehead.
Because problems
come easily.
And triumph-
I work at.
Every day.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Trends
There are very few true leaders in this world. Most people are followers. They follow the current fashion, they follow the current trend, be it vampires, zombies, or wizards. I am not saying that people are brainless and can't think for themselves. I am saying that very often, they don't.
It takes a strong independent person to walk away from the herd and strike out on their own path. Lots of people play it safe by following everyone else. But lots of people don't know who they are following. So who are you really imitating?
We did a fun scavenger hunt once in a shopping mall. One of the instructions on the list was to point up at the ceiling and say wow look at that! There was of course nothing up there. But it got everyone else around us to look up too, wondering what we were seeing that they couldn't.
That is natural, to look when someone points. But how about following a crowd of people who are clearly going in the wrong direction, as is evident from the big signs pointing the other way. But who wants to be the one to say 'hey guys, we are going the wrong way!'. So you just keep quiet and follow everyone else, until everyone realizes they are lost.
I try my best to never get involved in politics. It is one thing I don't discuss with most people, for obvious reasons. Now I know that there are a lot of smart people in this world, but unfortunately it doesn't always shine through.
You hear people spouting off opinions that are completely skewed, whether they heard it from their parents, their friends, or made it up themselves. It bothers me when people just repeat what they have heard other people say, without bothering to get their facts straight. If you don't know what you are talking about, it is better to keep quiet than risk sounding like an idiot.
You may do it more often than you are aware of. Think about how many times you simply follow the crowd, because it is easier than figuring things out for yourself. Taking the easy route.
As Robert Frost says, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."
And my own quote: "Don't follow the crowd. They are usually all idiots".
It takes a strong independent person to walk away from the herd and strike out on their own path. Lots of people play it safe by following everyone else. But lots of people don't know who they are following. So who are you really imitating?
We did a fun scavenger hunt once in a shopping mall. One of the instructions on the list was to point up at the ceiling and say wow look at that! There was of course nothing up there. But it got everyone else around us to look up too, wondering what we were seeing that they couldn't.
That is natural, to look when someone points. But how about following a crowd of people who are clearly going in the wrong direction, as is evident from the big signs pointing the other way. But who wants to be the one to say 'hey guys, we are going the wrong way!'. So you just keep quiet and follow everyone else, until everyone realizes they are lost.
I try my best to never get involved in politics. It is one thing I don't discuss with most people, for obvious reasons. Now I know that there are a lot of smart people in this world, but unfortunately it doesn't always shine through.
You hear people spouting off opinions that are completely skewed, whether they heard it from their parents, their friends, or made it up themselves. It bothers me when people just repeat what they have heard other people say, without bothering to get their facts straight. If you don't know what you are talking about, it is better to keep quiet than risk sounding like an idiot.
You may do it more often than you are aware of. Think about how many times you simply follow the crowd, because it is easier than figuring things out for yourself. Taking the easy route.
As Robert Frost says, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."
And my own quote: "Don't follow the crowd. They are usually all idiots".
Saturday, July 14, 2012
So accessible
I ate by my brother's Friday night, and noticed a towering stack of boxes in a corner. I asked him what it was. He said they had a sale of the Artscroll Shas, small books, so he purchased the whole set for about $1,300 dollars. They are finishing the shas soon and will be starting again, so he decided to try out daf yomi.
I find it so beautiful to see how far we have come. In the times of the Baal Shem Tov, there was a big divide between the knowledgeable Jews, and the poor unlearned ones. In fact, the rich knowledgeable Jews looked down upon the simple folk, some of whom could barely read Hebrew or even daven, let alone pick up a sefer and learn Torah.
But the Baal Shem Tov, with his love of every Jew and extreme patience, traveled the countryside, visiting every Jew and teaching him that what Hashem loves above all is simple and sincere faith in Him, and the effort to do the mitzvos to the best of out ability.
Now, Torah is so accessible to all Jews. It has been translated into many languages. Someone who has never learned Gemara in his life can pick up an Artscroll edition translated into English and learn something on his lunch break.
There is really no excuse to not learn Torah. Hashem, look how far we have come.
I find it so beautiful to see how far we have come. In the times of the Baal Shem Tov, there was a big divide between the knowledgeable Jews, and the poor unlearned ones. In fact, the rich knowledgeable Jews looked down upon the simple folk, some of whom could barely read Hebrew or even daven, let alone pick up a sefer and learn Torah.
But the Baal Shem Tov, with his love of every Jew and extreme patience, traveled the countryside, visiting every Jew and teaching him that what Hashem loves above all is simple and sincere faith in Him, and the effort to do the mitzvos to the best of out ability.
Now, Torah is so accessible to all Jews. It has been translated into many languages. Someone who has never learned Gemara in his life can pick up an Artscroll edition translated into English and learn something on his lunch break.
There is really no excuse to not learn Torah. Hashem, look how far we have come.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Dismiss
I usually set my alarm for 10 minutes before I actually have to get up, and then I go back to sleep for another half hour. My alarm rings faithfully every 5 minutes, and I am careful to snooze it every time. Even in my sleep I know that swipe to the left is snooze, and swipe to the right is dismiss. (I have a touch screen phone.)
Today I pressed dismiss by accident and then fell back asleep and woke up and literally jumped out of bed. Thank G-d I wasn't that late. Though I keep telling myself I need to go to sleep earlier. Doesn't work as well as my imposed bedtime as a child.
I have subscribed to an emailed dvar Torah for the past 3 or so years. I get it in an email every Thursday night. I used to really enjoy it. This particular rabbi has a nice way of wrapping everything up with a neat little bow. He also throws in stories, and ties in lessons, and I respond well to stories. But lately, like for a long time, I just glanced at the email and didn't bother to read it. If I had a printer, I might print it off to read on Shabbos when I am not distracted by a million other things, but I do not.
I wondered why I didn't just unsubscribe from the email list, as I do with millions of other annoying emails that I was somehow sneakily signed up for. But then it hit me- it is a reminder. Learn Torah. Remember Hashem. Do something worthwhile with your time. It is like the voice of the Yetzer Tov, however weak it may be. The Yetzer Harah will always be there telling you, 'dismiss it, don't listen to it, turn over and go back to sleep, you are so very tired'. And you say, 'yes, sleep, mmmmm sounds so good, just a few more minutes, I am sooooo tired'.
But don't dismiss it. As we know about rebuking a friend who transgressed, "The Gemorah in Eruchin (16a) says that if a person sees his friend persisting in a sinful behavior, he must continually rebuke him, even 100 times, until that friend ceases his poor behavior. The Gemorah goes on to say that one must do this until his subject begins to hit him or embarrass him, and then he may stop. And even if after all that, he does not change his wayward ways, that rebuke will not have been in vain, but rather will serve as a verbal objection to evil in the world."
Even 100 times. If he didn't listen 100 times, then say it 101 times. Just don't give up.
One time I was rushing before Shabbos, trying to put on makeup and get dressed since I was staying at someone's house and I wanted to look like a mentch when I lit and not a shlump in a sweatshirt and skirt. I would love to always be ready and light on time, but thatnever hardly ever happens. So I told the kids, tell me when it's time to light. And they did. So I said, tell me again in 2 minutes. And keep telling me until I finally go light. They were my reminder.
Don't let people give up on you, and don't give up on yourself. Because the second you hit that 'dismiss' button- then you have already failed.
Today I pressed dismiss by accident and then fell back asleep and woke up and literally jumped out of bed. Thank G-d I wasn't that late. Though I keep telling myself I need to go to sleep earlier. Doesn't work as well as my imposed bedtime as a child.
I have subscribed to an emailed dvar Torah for the past 3 or so years. I get it in an email every Thursday night. I used to really enjoy it. This particular rabbi has a nice way of wrapping everything up with a neat little bow. He also throws in stories, and ties in lessons, and I respond well to stories. But lately, like for a long time, I just glanced at the email and didn't bother to read it. If I had a printer, I might print it off to read on Shabbos when I am not distracted by a million other things, but I do not.
I wondered why I didn't just unsubscribe from the email list, as I do with millions of other annoying emails that I was somehow sneakily signed up for. But then it hit me- it is a reminder. Learn Torah. Remember Hashem. Do something worthwhile with your time. It is like the voice of the Yetzer Tov, however weak it may be. The Yetzer Harah will always be there telling you, 'dismiss it, don't listen to it, turn over and go back to sleep, you are so very tired'. And you say, 'yes, sleep, mmmmm sounds so good, just a few more minutes, I am sooooo tired'.
But don't dismiss it. As we know about rebuking a friend who transgressed, "The Gemorah in Eruchin (16a) says that if a person sees his friend persisting in a sinful behavior, he must continually rebuke him, even 100 times, until that friend ceases his poor behavior. The Gemorah goes on to say that one must do this until his subject begins to hit him or embarrass him, and then he may stop. And even if after all that, he does not change his wayward ways, that rebuke will not have been in vain, but rather will serve as a verbal objection to evil in the world."
Even 100 times. If he didn't listen 100 times, then say it 101 times. Just don't give up.
One time I was rushing before Shabbos, trying to put on makeup and get dressed since I was staying at someone's house and I wanted to look like a mentch when I lit and not a shlump in a sweatshirt and skirt. I would love to always be ready and light on time, but that
Don't let people give up on you, and don't give up on yourself. Because the second you hit that 'dismiss' button- then you have already failed.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
7-11!!
For all those of you who don't know about this, today is 7-11 which means FREE SLURPIES!
This is just a friendly PSA, as I myself hate slurpees, they are to sugary, and I don't like the feeling of the crushed ice in my mouth. I'd much sooner have a cold can of diet coke then a mashed up coke slurpee.
"Convenience store chain 7-Eleven is celebrating its self-appointed birthday Wednesday, July 11 (7/11), with a free slurpee day. They’re going full stop with the theme, too. From 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. today, you can get a free 7.11-ounce Slurpee, while supplies last. The offer applies to any flavor, and there are quite a few to choose from – 7-Eleven boasts over 70 varieties. In addition to standbys like Cherry, Coca Cola, and Blue Raspberry, you can get Dr. Pepper, Peach Dragon Fruit, and something called “KZ3 Battle Fuel.”
The promotion officially runs until 7 p.m., but you may want to get there earlier. According to past patrons on 7-Eleven’s Facebook page, once the special-sized cups run out, it’s all over."
Yes, one year when I was a counselor in a camp we hit all the 7-11's around midnight. I actually didn't know it only goes until 7 pm. And obviously, they were all out of the 7.11 oz cups.
Happy slurpee day!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Join For FREE!*
Nothing in life is free. Ever tried to join a gym? Or a dating site. Or anything that requires a membership. They give you this outrageous deal, JOIN FOR ONLY $1!!, and you are so tempted to go through with it.
Read the fine print. ALWAYS read the small print. ALWAYS have your lawyer with you. They will screw you over.
Where is the catch? There is always a catch.
SIGN UP FOR $1**
**Sign-up fee discounted to $1 when you purchase our 3-month savings plan through 8/4/2012.
Can you read that? Barely.
There's a joke about cheap Jews, since it is a stereotype that Jews are cheap. (So are Persians. And Gypsies. And well, lots of other people.) Why do Jews have such big noses? Because air is free! (My Russian bus driver loved this joke. He laughed and laughed. And he barely ever cracked a smile around me. He said I talk too much. Huh.)
Moral of the story: nothing in life is truly free. They hide the fees in small print, legal jargon, smoke screens, so you won't pay too much attention when you sign up.
But ALWAYS look for the catch. Because if it seems too good to be true- it probably is.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Teen Love
They might have been 16 or 17. He stood with his arms around her while they waited for the bus. When it came, only she got on.
He stood next to the window by her seat, making the shape of a heart with his fingers.
As the bus pulled away, he ran alongside it holding his hands over his chest in the shape of a heart the whole time.
She was laughing as he faded in the distance.
Teen love. How long do you think they will last?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Clothes really do make the man
It is a bit of a letdown coming home after a successful shopping spree and having no one to show off your new purchases to. My mother usually oo's and aah's and tells me everything is beautiful.
On 4th of July, I worked. And I went shopping. The stores were fuller than usually, what with everyone (but me) getting a day off of work. And there were decent sales going on. Because I usually don't have patience to go through rack after rack of clothing, and the dressing rooms were pretty full, I did a power shopping. Grabbed a whole bunch of stuff, tried it on in a hurry, kept the ones that looked okay on me and had a decent price tag, and bought them. Usually, I agonize for awhile over my purchases. But the lines were long and I was tired and I figured I could always return later what I didn't like.
And what a powerful and confident feeling it is to wear something that looks good on you. Not to mention the child-like excitement of getting dressed in the morning when you have something new to wear. You feel good, you look good, and that feeling translates into how you carry yourself, and how you think.
Besides clothing being an obvious necessity, it is the first thing people see about you. If you are dressed nicely and put together, it gives off a good impression.
The one thing that all the talks about tznius brings through clearly is, if you look like a princess, you will act like one. You can witness this at weddings, when children and adults alike are dressed elegantly, they carry themselves differently, they are more careful with how they walk, how they eat, how they move. They are more aware of how they look.
Dress for success- and you will feel successful.
My wallet (credit card) may be lighter, but my closet is fuller, and it was definitely a good day of shopping.
On 4th of July, I worked. And I went shopping. The stores were fuller than usually, what with everyone (but me) getting a day off of work. And there were decent sales going on. Because I usually don't have patience to go through rack after rack of clothing, and the dressing rooms were pretty full, I did a power shopping. Grabbed a whole bunch of stuff, tried it on in a hurry, kept the ones that looked okay on me and had a decent price tag, and bought them. Usually, I agonize for awhile over my purchases. But the lines were long and I was tired and I figured I could always return later what I didn't like.
And what a powerful and confident feeling it is to wear something that looks good on you. Not to mention the child-like excitement of getting dressed in the morning when you have something new to wear. You feel good, you look good, and that feeling translates into how you carry yourself, and how you think.
Besides clothing being an obvious necessity, it is the first thing people see about you. If you are dressed nicely and put together, it gives off a good impression.
The one thing that all the talks about tznius brings through clearly is, if you look like a princess, you will act like one. You can witness this at weddings, when children and adults alike are dressed elegantly, they carry themselves differently, they are more careful with how they walk, how they eat, how they move. They are more aware of how they look.
Dress for success- and you will feel successful.
My wallet (credit card) may be lighter, but my closet is fuller, and it was definitely a good day of shopping.
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