Happy Pesach!

Time for some honesty.

I don't like pesach. Really.

I hate having to clean. But more then that I hate the feeling that despite how much you clean, the house is still dirty. And still full of chometz. I'm sure of it. I just know that over pesach those little bits of chometz are sitting in the cracks laughing at us saying 'hehehehe you missed us'. Ya, I hate that part.

I don't much like the spiritual aspect of it either. The whole 'we were freed from Egypt looooong ago, so now let us celebrate by drinking wine, eating bitter herbs and being merry.' Not my style.

I don't mind the matzah though. All good and crunchy. Not bad.

I don't like the family part. Holiday is a time to spend with family, right? Grit your teeth and try to smile and not scream or strangle anybody. By the time it's over there is grape juice on the walls and on white shirts, some broken chairs, many tears spilled, and being holed up in your room with the door locked and barricaded hoping no one will bother you there. Ya that's the worst part about it.

Chol hamoade is not much fun cuz I don't like concerts, or amusement parks, and I am old enough that museum and fares are no longer exciting.

Did I kill your vibe yet?

If pesach is not about the cleaning, and it's not about the food, if it's totally not about the family time, or the fun, if it's not about the customs or the mitzvot, then what is it about?

Well it is definitely not about this. But it does have something to do with this.

I'd like to think that it's about you. As selfish as that sounds. You are not ready for pesach until you have cleared yourself of spiritual chometz too. And that is not as simple as sweeping and vacuuming and scrubbing until it shines. It involved deep soul searching. Did I mention I hate that too?

And it is about sharing. Opening your home to another Jew, going out on mivtzoyim and finding someone to share the story of pesach with, giving of yourself, a bit of sacrifice, influencing someone.

Sometimes it strikes me how so many people in this world are so selfish. Myself included. How many times do you stop to give charity to someone in the street? How many times do you hold the door for someone? Help someone carry their bags. Or even smile at a stranger. Simple acts that take little from you, but give of yourself to another person.

Long ago the Jews were liberated from Egypt. I don't know what that means to me but I hope to find out someday. Pesach may be about everything I hate about it, but it is also about giving. I may not be able to clean, but how hard is it to give?

A kosher and freilechin one to all of you, and make sure not to let my dislikes get you down or enjoy the holiday any less.

A little bit of cleaning

So it's 6 am and I'm up. And no, this time I didn't stay up all night. I don't know what woke me or compelled me to go upstairs and guzzle down a can of soda and a cold glass of water. The feeling of dehydration.

Well I'm up so I might as well put my time to good use. I already checked out shmais, col, ch.info, blogger, gmail, facebook, you name it I've been on it. I was on yahoo checking out celebrities. You wanna know who wore the dress better? I can tell you. Ya I didn't sleep much last night.

My nose is still itching from the dust. Ya you know how they say that dust isn't chometz? They are correct, but before you get to the chometz there is dust to clean. So there I was cleaning my room, which is not so dirty I might add, and sitting on the floor surrounded by bins and piles and piles of stuff. These were my 'boxes.'

Ya well, when you've moved 4 times you don't have shelves in your room and hooks for your stuff. You have accumulated storage. Aaaaah here's my tests from 7th grade. I got a 79% and the teacher told me to 'see her.' She wanted to know why I didn't do better. Lady, I passed and that's good enough for me.

Camp pictures from 4th grade. I laughed cuz there are two of my friends, in a smaller version. Oh boy will they get a kick out of this.

There's my key chain collection. And my art projects. And my chatchkelach that I felt were worthy of saving. The receipt for my first flight. And letters from friends. Birthday cards. Old balloons deflated and folded up. It's kind of nice to go back once in awhile and laugh at yourself, and smile at the little girl you once were. It's reassuring. No, I didn't wake up a teenager. Once I was a little girl where the world was a bright and happy place and the biggest worry was going to school and what to take for snack.

Well for all my efforts, at the bottom of the bin I found a half of a rice cake and pop corn, which my sister pointed out wasn't even chometz, just kitniyot. Ya we're the lenient sort of family. (I mean that in a loose form. Don't be telling G-d we didn't clean or anything.)

Well so far that was the extent of my pesach cleaning. I might help with the upstairs even though I told my mom it's not my house and I'm telling G-d I absolve myself from the chometz this year. Really, if you stay at someone elses house and they have chometz, it's not your sin right? My case in point.

Oh so ya I've been busy lately. Surprised? Me too. I got a kind of sort of job. Sounds a bit iffy to you? It's part time, from 12 to 4. So I get to sleep in and wake up late. Perfect for me. Which reminds me, I gotta get back to sleep. It's seriously too early to be up.

I'm sure you guys have stuff to clean, or cook, or do or buy. So stop reading this and get moving. Happy cleaning!

Pesach, oh pesach, how we love thee

Pesach is coming, as is evident from the numerous ads I see in every Jewish magazine I open to, by the Pomegranate people. They want us to shop at their supermarket this year, advertising wider isles, quick checkout, lots of products and friendly service. They call themselves 'The Pom people'. A cute and catchy name.

I have no idea where we are shopping for our pesach goods this year. It is never up to me. Nope. Despite hearing my sister complain that she "works 50+ hours a week, comes home exhausted, she shouldn't have to clean the house, Altie should do it" etc etc etc, shopping is HER forte, and G-d forbid should I try to help with that. But it gets done somehow, it always gets done. 50 pounds of potatoes, about the same amount of onions, carrots, nuts, well I don't need to tell you, I'm sure you have your own checklist of foods to buy for pesach.

Did I start cleaning yet? Nope. Cuz it always gets done somehow, right? Maybe I'll clean my room, we'll see.

There's a concept called spiritual chometz. In addition to getting rid of your physical chometz, this time of year requires some soul-searching. I have a lot of 'chometz', but no actual time to think about it. Funny, I usually have so much time on my hands, but when it comes to things like davening and learning, suddenly I find myself...busy. Hmmm, how does that work?

Well the weather is turning nice, slowly, despite the rain from yesterday, we switched the clocks and I lost an hour or sleep, and I find myself with more things to do and less free time. Almost like normal people. I say almost because my life still doesn't quite run like most peoples. No I'm not part of the mafia, I'm just on vacation. Like, a long vacation.

Anyway, I have things to do, cleaning is on the list but at the booooottom. So hop to it people. Go clean or shop or something. Heres some free advertisement for a website I'm helping out, silverdesires.com, for all your pesach silver needs. Go check it out.

Tata.

Fight the little birdy with a wave

We were driving back from school (in New Jersey) today. The Rabbi was driving really fast as usual. We went through a toll lane, and as he was trying to switch lanes he cut someone off. (Couldn't figure out if it was on purpose or by accident.) The guy honked at us, then swerved to the other side of our car, honked again, and then (gasp!) he flashed us the finger.

The rabbi smiled, and waved. The guy did it again, Rabbi waved again, and we had a good laugh all the way home.

They say fight fire with fire. I say fight the little birdy with a smile and a wave. That'll throw them off. (Or piss them off, whichever.)

Happy driving!

The spring

It was a spring. A tiny, coiled up piece of metal that we call a spring. It popped up into the air and then I couldn't find it. And believe me, I looked. I bent down and searched the floor. I found dirt and dust and bits of unknown substances, but not that elusive spring. I silently prayed that G-d should help me find it, but that didn't help.

I thought that was it. It came from an electrical appliance that I dropped on the floor. Of course, it came apart, and instead of one big thing I had 3 pieces. And while panickly (not a word, I know) trying to put it back together, that tiny little spring popped out. And that was it, the thing would be unusable. And the worst part was it wasnt mine. I was dreading telling my sister thinking, ok, so she'll be mad. Fine, I'll buy her a new one. I have no idea how much it is but money is money, right?

I was brushing my teeth. I bent over the sink, and there it was. Sitting there, behind the sink. I stared. It was still there. It didnt fall on the floor, it didnt fall into the drain. It was sitting there waiting for me to see it. A tiny, little spring that could have gone anywhere.

And thank G-d I was able to fix the stupid thing and put it back safely in it's place, no harm done.

Symbolic? I think so. Take your own lesson from this story but believe me, after I saw the spring sitting there I told G-d I would do whatever He wants of me. And I think He'll hold me to it.

It was all a joke

To all of you:

This apology is not mine, but I feel it must be said. Regarding all this tumult in the blogging community, and in particular this post and letter, I was just told that it was a joke. There is no 'tznius committee'. There are no lunatics out there trying to shut down my blog. (Not that I know of at least.)

It was just the work of two bloggers out to have some fun and play a practical purim joke. So haha, the jokes on me.

But to my credit, had it been real, I still think I handled it well.

10 minutes early

I finally realized why I'm always late. This time I was 10 minutes early. What's 10 minutes, right? Oh, well when you are the one waiting for something, 10 minutes can be a loooooooong time. And no amount of looking at the clock, walks around the hall, or elevator rides can make the time go by faster. Oh no, I prefer to come late.

Pebble in my shoe

Pebble in my shoe,

where are you,

as you move around and bother me so much.

You ruin my concentration,

as I walk from the station,

all the while thinking what a nuisance you are.

I lean against the wall,

as I stand in the hall,

to take off my shoe and dump you out.

You are smaller then a grain of rice,

well isn't that nice,

that a tiny thing like you could cause such disruption.

So next time you think

of residing in my shoe,

think again, cuz you are unwanted here.

You cause me such pain,

and I get no gain,

little pebble in my shoe

I can't stand you.

Splash!

Darkness, pouring rain, glasses that are the wrong prescription, and generally low visibility at night are not a good combination for driving.

The rain literally pounded at the windshield and I was bent forward in my seat, eyes scrunched, trying to see the road, and I saw it! The yellow line! The whole time telling myself, don't go over the line, don't go over the line, you're fine, just drive.

I thought about being nervous. I was wondering why I wasn't nervous about driving in such conditions, and if I should perhaps tell myself to be nervous. But then I realized that if G-d forbid anything happened to me, it's better to be calm about it then to freak out, right?

And so I smiled as I drove, though I could hardly see, and then it started raining harder and I laughed. I love the rain. I love the way it makes my hair look all messy, I love the feel of it on my skin, I love the freedom of it pouring down and blowing all over the place. And of course I love the cleansing feeling it brings, as it washes away all the dirt. So I left my coat open as I walked from the car and I let the rain drench me, cuz it felt so good.

And as I drove with the rain pouring down on the roof of the car, and the streets flooded, and as I drove through the huge puddles which sprayed everywhere (that was the best part, I always wanted to try that!), I said, hey G-d, if you hear me over all this noise, please watch over me and make sure I get home safely. I'm not driving right now, it's You who is. Cuz really, I can barely see, and I don't feel like crashing right now.

And apparently He still needs me down here, cuz B"H I got home safely, and here I am to tell the tale.

Hope

Hope is reconnecting with old friends. And making new ones.

Hope is right before dawn, when the sky is turning a deep deep blue, preparing for a new day.

Hope is goosebumps and jitters, like when you are high on coffee.

Hope is a rose in full bloom.

Hope is a smile, bright as the sun.

Hope is words, encouraging, sweet, believing, refreshing.

Hope is a song, a song in the ears, a song in the heart.

Hope is like petals of a flower, soft and smooth.

It's there. Sometimes I forget. There are times when hope seems so far away, when everything is dark and it seems like there will never again be light.

But then hope comes in one form or another. And it reminds me that there is a G-d, and that the world is good. I just have to open my eyes and see it. Let it come to me, let it filter in to my world and my existance.

It's there. Let it touch you with it's soft wings.

Purim!!!

Humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall... and you know the rest of the story. But now Humpty's existence is being called into question. Is he an egg? And how, exactly, do we come to know this? Read about it here.

So purim is a week away. My sister bought a whole bunch of junk food and baskets and bags, but I still don't know what I'm giving. If you think you should get a shaloch manos from me but you are not sure that I will remember you, make sure to leave me a comment. Thanks.

I would like to give a big thanks to G-d, and to the creater of ice. It was an ingenius idea if you ask me. Try to find the good in everything. Like when you are in pain, but ice makes it feel a little better, you say, thank G-d for ice, instead of saying holy #*%$ that hurts.

And of course in this month of Adar, the happiest month of the year, you are supposed to be happy, not sad. So even though I don't feel like it, I'm going to tell all of you dear readers to get that damn smile on your face and smile for all you are worth. And be happy! Even when you are not.

It'll be good, I know it. Be happy, cuz Purim's coming.

^ ^

When I'm in a destructive mood, I delete friends on facebook. The ones who are meaningless and I don't even know... goodbye, not-friends of mine.

Purim- then and now

Purim's in a little over a week!

Yes I have to admit that purim as an adult (or a generic adult, something along those lines) is not as much fun as it was when I was a kid, when we got to dress up and traipse all over the city delivering shaloch manos to our 25 little classmates, friends and neighbors, and teachers, eat tons of junk food, throw up, trade stuff with the siblings, take whatever we wanted from the table that wasn't being claimed yet, eat more junk food, eat some real food at the seudah, fall asleep with clown make up still on our faces, (littles girls are queen Esther, naturally, but once you're a bit older you need a more mature costume and clown just seemed beffiting for me.) throw up again, go to school the next day (or day after that) and trade more junk food for better tasting junk food and eat and eat until it was all gone. Oh of course hear the megila being shushed in shul by all the adults, wave around out cute little (notice that everything in regards to kids is 'little' in my mind) handmade graggers, and stom our feet at Haman's name. Oh what glorious glorious times we had.

Now I barely make one or two shaloch manoses just to get the mitzva. Sit at home waiting for people to come to me, bored, whiling the day away, don't bothered getting dressed up cuz that's what little kids do. It's just not fun anymore.

Is that how everyone feels, or am I just a real party pooper?

Oh and get this: this year for my shaloch manos I'm making a salad or some other such health foods. DON'T tell me I'm boring. Junk food is so over rated.

Little kids and ice cream

Try watching a little kid eat ice cream and watch a video at the same time. It is amusing. Their eyes are focused intently on the screen, the ice cream dripping down and their little tounges going lick lick every few seconds. It almost seems like the ice cream will melt completely before they finish licking it.

Wait for it, wait for it.... and PLOP! Lol.

Ok now I'm in the mood for ice cream.

So when's the next simcha?

Somebody, please get married!! Or have a baby. Or get engaged. Or get engaged, then get married, then have a baby.

Wow my life is so boring I keep thinking, what's next, what's next, then what's next after that. Here's what I've come up with:

In 2 weeks is purim. Then my friends wedding. A month after that is pesach. Then something very exciting is happening. You'll find out. Then about a month after that is my birthday. Then a week after that is Shavuos. Then a few weeks after that is summer. Then my little brothers bar mitzva! (He's the baby in the family, and the last bar mitzva.)

Then summer, then try to come up with plans for next year... yadayadayada...

Will somebody please get married?? Or something else exciting. Oh my G-d, maybe global warming will actually happen finally, all the snow will melt and we will have to row away in boats, with all our earthly possessions...

Or the year 2012 will come true and the earth will be destroyed...

Huminahuminahumina.

On phones and stuff

Once upon a time I thought I was so cool to have a cell phone. Now, I just feel like a dork because I have a flip phone, (which are sooooo out of style, and according to Chunky, anyone with a flip phone is ugly.) Go figure.

This is for you

“Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.”

You know who you are. To every single one of you who has been a friend to me, and there are so many, this is a thank you for being in my life.

Oh and a special shout out to the girl with the red flower in her hair who is currently in Israel. I miss you!

And to the one who lives just a subway ride away, and whom I never see, hi! Keep smiling, and I like your laugh.

(Special mentions on my blog are for special people only. If you feel that I left you out by accident, let me know so I can correct my mistake.)

Inside looking out

I wanna splatter paint on a wall. I wanna skate board. I wanna sing. I can't sing. I don't have such great singing abilities. But I need to do something more then write a whole bunch of exclamation marks in chat, no matter how good that makes me feel.

The snow is pretty. So so pretty from this side of the glass. I feel like a fish in a fish tank, looking out at the world from my little empire. All I need is some sponges and fake plants.

I saw this quote on Shorty's blog, thanks, I really like it:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

It is true. It is so true. I am a firm believer, thanks to my mama who brought us up well, that G-d has a plan for you, and you are always where you are supposed to be, even if it doesn't seem that way at the moment. And yet, why do I doubt. Why do I keep saying, I don't know, I don't know. Why do I ask 5 different people for advice, and then still have no idea what to do?

So what do you want to be when you grow up? I have no idea. I'm not done growing up, but I have no idea. People talk about finding a passion in life, something you really love doing that makes you happy, and makes you feel good about yourself. I haven't found mine yet.

I'm listening to music. Music is calming, it's perfect. It just is. In music there is just sounds and lyrics. There's no confusion, just soothing sounds.

And I just keep wondering, when? When is everything supposed to fall into place? Ever? Life is like a jigsaw puzzle. (Ok, life is like a box of chocolates, but me and chocolates aren't speaking at the moment.) I just can't seem to figure out what goes where. It's like there are some pieces that are missing, and I can't solve the puzzle.

But the snow, the beautiful snow keeps falling. It is a wonderful wintry world out there and I, I'm still stuck in my fish tank.

A poem, for those times when words aren't enough

The page is blank
waiting to be written on
but no thoughts, no words
my mind is empty tonight.

This is me
this is who I am
I seek not, approval
nor followers,
nor friends.

Do not come to me with questions
for I have no answers
do not turn to me for advice
cuz I do not know what to say

This is me
this is who i am
when you take off the mask
and strip off the layers

I think what I want
but I do not write what I want
approval
a bitter bitter word

Can I not like whom I want without wondering what you will say?
what does it really matter
what you think?

Be true to yourself
cuz at the end of the day
when all of those who were 'friends' have left you,
and when the world does not see you
only YOU will matter.
only you.

This is me
this is who I am
if you do not like it
you came to the wrong place.

Onwards!

It is so frustrating!!! This time of year is so familiar. I walk the streets and hear shouts and squeels of "omegosh, omegosh, omegosh!!!!!!! I haven't seen you in soooo looooong!!!! Hi!!!!!!!!" I see groups of girls congregrating everywhere. It brings back memories, of another time, same place.

Ya I used to be in high school. Ya, I'm old now. Ahhhh, once so young and pure, and now, a little older and less pure.

I saw some girls I'm friends with who are still in high school. We are from two different worlds and suddenly, I can't relate to them. They are complaining about school and teachers and production and tests, and I think about my life. My life, how it was supposed to be so different.

I wonder if these girls will be dancing at my wedding soon, and if to them I will always be the 'older girl who was once in high school with us and was so much fun and cut class all the time but is now old and so boring.' No, I have no desire to get old whatsoever. Old people scare me.

My grandmother celebrated her 80'th birthday today. Ka''h, may she have many more happy and healthy years. But still, I'm scared to grow old.

So what do you do when you are done with high school, finished seminary, the 'system' which you never wanted to be a part of in the first place has no place for you anymore...? Um, get married?

Good plan. Now I just have to find the right guy. (And in my head, the song 'where oh where' is playing merrily.... tralalalalalala)