State of Mind

I want to sprawl on the grass, but I dignify myself by finding a bench to sit on. My face is turned towards the sun, reveling in its warm rays, shining orange behind my closed eyelids. I open them a bit, peering through my lashes at the sparkling water. The sun is high in the sky. I'd like to stay like this forever.

My odometer hovers at 2 9 9 9 9 and I watch it slip silently into 30 thousand miles. Only 3 thousand miles of those are mine, but it feels like I've been here forever.

I draw pictures of mountains early Sunday morning babysitting, and wonder if I'll ever get the chance to go there. I offer to take my little friend shopping, but she just wants to stay in pajamas and watch TV. I can't say I blame her.

I walk unhurriedly around the canal, taking deep breaths, and enjoy being outside. The crunchy sound of my sneakers on gravel reminds me of a campgrounds. I want to be 17 again, working at a camp, wearing t-shirts and long skirts and worrying about nothing. I want to be young again, with endless possibilities and no reservations.

My phone weighs me down, like a third arm. I wish I'd left it at home. Today, I try not to use my computer. I eat breakfast outside, by the pool, and then I go for a swim. The water is freezing. It would be, this time of year. But the sun soothes me, dries my skin, calms me.

I eat lunch slowly, remembering to chew my food. Before long I am full. I want to feel full, and not worry about my next meal, not be constantly thinking about what I will eat next, even with a mouthful of food. I want food to sustain me but not imprison me. I want my life to be so full of happiness and importance that I forget to eat.

Today, I am working on wellness. Finding my inner calm. Focusing on the positive. Focusing on what I can have, as opposed to what I can't.

Today is a good day, not because of how it ended, but because of how it started. Some days, most days start off with the best of intentions and take a somersaulting tumbling turn. But that is not what matters.

It took almost 6 months but I think I'm starting to figure out why I'm here, why I 'ran away'. I don't believe there is any particular place one can go to sort things out, find clarity, find themselves or their purpose in life. Clarity is a state of mind. (Or, according to Jimmy Buffet, Margaritaville is a state of mind.) It begins and ends inside of you.

But it doesn't hurt that I'm living in a warm climate, have all the freedom in the world, no responsibilities, and nothing to do but think.

And when that doesn't work, there's always TV.