Unsteady

I hate that crippling feeling I get sometimes, that I have no one to take care of me. Like if I don't buy food or do my laundry or sweep my floor, it just won't get done, because no one else will do it for me, it all falls on me. It is overwhelming at times, those times when I think about it too much or let it get to me.

My mom said that after she left, my apartment would feel so big, and I would be so grateful to have it all back to myself. She was right about the first part, but I miss them, even my sister with whom I didn't get along with most of my life.

But for a few days, almost a week, someone else held the reigns, someone else did the shopping, bought the food, made sandwiches, prepared dinner, decided where we were going and when. It was a relief, to give up the decision making. It felt like a team, a trio, we went swimming every day in a gorgeous heated 8 ft deep pool, and it all just felt so right.

Last time my mom came to visit, I asked her to bring me some towels. She was horrified to find out that I had only one towel. What's the big deal, said I. Use it and wash it, that's how it goes. I wanted a specific set of towels that I left at home, but she couldn't find them. Of course, while she was here my mom said she would buy me towels, but I refused. I don't need you to buy me towels, I told her, don't worry, I'll make due. That's what I've been doing all my life, I can take care of myself, I don't need your help.

She forgot, and that was that.

My mom and sister came to visit this week. My sister told me a whole long rambling story that I didn't pay much attention to, which ended in her having store credit at Macy's. She decided we would go there and buy me towels. So I went along with it, cuz hey, who doesn't like free stuff.

Of course, I couldn't decide, they all looked the same, I didn't know how to choose, some were soft, some rough, I don't know, I just don't know. Does it really matter? But of course it does, the first time that I am spending money on towels, like I'm setting down roots. This is an important decision. No, I didn't think I would be making this decision with my mother and sister, I live sparsely by choice because who ever comes over?

I looked around at all the things I could not have, did not let myself have. Money was always an issue, why did we deserve good things? I plopped myself down on a bed that probably costs more than I ever made in a year, the duvet cover alone was listed at a thousand. What's the point? Why invest money in things?

The perfect towel still eluded me. Should I choose yellow for a cheery, happy affect? Or is that just forcing it?

My mom pointed to an orange one, but I didn't like it. Finally, we stumbled upon a bright kelly green color. My mom said, "that was my mother's favorite color". We just spent the day in the cemetery surrounded by my dead relatives, so I had to believe that meant something.

I didn't see the matching hand towel, or the large bath sheet size. Not to worry, my sister went to the sales counter to see if they had it in stock. I sat back and let things happen.

Alas, I am the proud owner of a new beautiful kelly green bath towel and matching hand towel. Maybe nobody but me will ever see it, but hey, love of the color green is one of the things me and my grandma had in common.

I drove them to the airport at 4 in the morning, and stumbled back into bed. For the first time, I wasn't the one leaving.